how to deal with husband who denies attraction to another woman??

[luvstarved]

My H and I have a sex life that is on shaky ground. I confronted him 10 months ago because we had sexless marriage and he was masturbating a lot, etc.

 

Soon after that talk, we tried to resume our sex life but it still isn't what I want and seems to be something of a chore for him and it is becoming more masturbation and less sex again...I want to turn it around.

 

One issue that I have is what seems to be a blaringly obvious attraction for a woman at his work. He vehemently denies that he is attracted to her and tosses it all off as my out of control jealousy. I have never met her or seen the two of them together but some of the behavioral highlights are

 

1) she touches his arm a lot and does "sexual signal" stuff (tossing hair, swinging her legs toward him back and forth in meetings, adjusting bra straps, this all comes from him). He says he told her not to do that stuff and she said "ooh he doesn't like to be touched"

 

2) he talks about her with animosity at some times and then will say she is a "good egg" at others. I have pieced together that the animosity is when she is dating or not paying him much attention and the "good egg" is when she is interacting with him in a friendly active manner (I am not there to assess how "flirtatious" this is)

 

3) he says that she is after HIM and is jealous that he is happily married and that he has 0% interest in her

 

4) he went to boss and complained about her swinging her legs and went on to complain that she was acting standoffish to him and appeared to be engaging with a flirtation at work with a married doctor. I told him this comes across as attraction but he disagrees and says it only meant that he "disapproved" of her behavior

 

5) last week, after much counseling, etc he and I had a beautiful email exchange about how he had taken me for granted, loved and needed me and was more motivated than ever to hear and meet my needs. I invited him to open himself up more to me. The next night (he had been avoiding evne mentioning this woman to me because I "got irrational" when he did) he came up all upset because there was some misunderstanding where she thought he was going to take care of something and boss had told him he didn't have to. We talked for HOURS about this. Who is she, what does she want, how should he handle it, should he apologize, what did she mean when she said this or that, etc. Next day, I tried to talk about our sex life and he said basically that me making a deal of it was shallow, immature and that he was not going to be all romance and poetry so I could forget it. He said that talking about it was emotionally draining and thta I should just dropit. So, her - worth talking about for hours. Us - would I shut up about it already.

 

There are a lot of other things, too...lots of incidents where he went on and on for hours over some "slight" she did towards him, etc. Also stuff where he would talk about things I lacked that happened to coincide with things she had (I wish you understood my work better, our backgrounds are dissimilar and so we are incompatible, it'd be nice to be with someone you could ride to work with, I might want to transfer to (her) department, sorry but I have to cut lunch short (to 15 minutes after I'd driven 45 to meet him) because she is having some work crisis that was not actually his place to resolve, on and on...)

 

I mentioned this topic to his mother and she said that she had never known him to get so emotionally worked up about a woman and it sounded like two people tussling in a relationship.

 

So, he totally denies any attraction yet he goes on and on about her love life and analyzes every move she makes to death. Is there any chance that that lack of attraction is true??? It just doesn't "feel" true. On the other hand, I have monitored him since she came into the picture (10 months ago) and I know that nothing is actually going on. He never talks about her in glowing terms, always with this virtual hostility that I think of as his way of trying to deny to himself...it's like the good guy in him is motivated to try to dislike her or something.

 

I DO have a question. Guys or girls, have you ever been in this boat? Where you were attracted but turned it around into trying to pose it as dislike? If so, I am wondering...does it ever go away? Does this sort of thing just continue to escalate until an affair actually happens or someone leaves the company, or what? Is there anything that I can do, given his denial, to help him deal with this better?

 

I don't think he will have an affair with her, but I don't see how this can ever get better as long as this is in the daily air at his work. I would like to hope that as he got to know her better and realize it wouldn't be worth it or she just doesn't seem that new and exciting any more, he could redirect his attention to me. But I feel that this being in the mix is having a negative impact on my attempts to fix our own sex life and just wish there was some way I could help him to get past this. Basically, for whatever reason or interpretation, he is obsessing about her and I wonder if there is anything I can do to help this situation...I've even thought of telling him to go ahead and f**k her already and get it out of his system (cause she keeps getting dumped after a month or two, how hot can she be?) but of course I know I would regret opening THAT pandora's box...

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[Havn_a_life]

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like your H is attracted/has feelings for this potential OW.

Just by the way you say he's acting, like comparing you to her? Yeah, he's interested in her "in that way".

No one should compare their spouse to someone else. That's totally unfair to you.

 

I am guessing you have no concrete proof of an A, maybe it hasn't happened yet.

My opinion is if he could see if this woman could have an A with him, a MM, what kind of person is she, for the long haul?

[LakesideDream]

luvstarved, I have to break something to you. Men are very easy to please. Positive reinforcment is the key.

 

If your man believed he was attractive to you, that you loved and wanted him, that his life and marriage were "complete" he wouldn't be "obsessing" about anyone else.

 

From your post it's obvious that there is mucho tension in your household. How's that working for you?

 

You don't mention any shortcommings, or responsibility for your husbands sexual indifference in your post. I suspect there is much more to this story than you have shared. What are YOU doing to excaserbate the situation?

[luvstarved]

luvstarved, I have to break something to you. Men are very easy to please. Positive reinforcment is the key.

 

If your man believed he was attractive to you, that you loved and wanted him, that his life and marriage were "complete" he wouldn't be "obsessing" about anyone else.

 

From your post it's obvious that there is mucho tension in your household. How's that working for you?

 

You don't mention any shortcommings, or responsibility for your husbands sexual indifference in your post. I suspect there is much more to this story than you have shared. What are YOU doing to excaserbate the situation?

 

To try to make a long story short, he lived with parents until we married at 38 yo. Mom is ubermom, made him do nothing he didn't want to do, lavishly praised, told everyone how handsome he is, spoiled him, did everything for him, and still does to this day, however she can. I treated himmore like an equal and he resented me expecting him to do things, got mad if I didn't "greet him properly" at end of day, etc. Past relationships were short and most of his sexual history was masturbation. We had great sex life at first. I never denied him or refused any requests. After daughter was born, things were steady but routine. In counseling I was asked directly about our sex life. I honestly said it was fine but would benefit from some spicing up. Things went downhill from there. I think he could not take the criticism and punished me for it. Sex disappeared altogether.

 

He kept telling me all was fine and with new daughter we just didn't have opportunity. He got into masturbation and porn. When opportunity came he did not take it. Would say that he was fine with that status quo but when I really made a stink about it would say he wanted what I wanted too. I finally threatened to leave. He tried to step up to the plate but was hard for him to perform at first, then frequent but impersonal, quick as possible, minimal touching sex. More trying to talk met with "you are shallow and immature to make this an issue. I think you are emotionally disturbed. The honeymoon phase is over. I am not the romantic type. Focus on the positive, we have a house, cat, dog, kids. We're not kids anymore, you are creating problems where none exist. It's just your low self-esteem and insecurity".

 

Sex started to be more masturbation and less sex again. In counseling, got a little enthused, tried harder again. But never any lust directed at me, meanwhile eyeing other women obviously. And obsessing about this woman.

 

He KNOWS I want him and if anything the pressure to perform turns him off. He also tries to claim that I am just jealous and irrational and too needy. I don't want to pressure him but if I let things go I just get more of same. I have said nothing at all for as long as 4 years. I mean, I can't wait FOREVER.

 

While for 7 years he said that we were living the American Dream, now he says in retrospect that the lack of sex was because I was not "warm enough" toward him (I took care of his every need, but did not greet him properly and sometimes failed to say hello to his mother were the two things he could come up with). When I asked him why he never told me this as I was completely unaware of it, he said that most of the time things were great. Just not great enough to be able to have sex with me, apparently.

 

I go months saying nothing and trying to be as nice and open and interesting as I can be, then he seems very happy but still no sex. I can't just go on like that. I think that he is just sexually selfish and got bored with me and does not know how to work together to make sex satisfying in a marriage so he masturbates and obsesses about other women. He also bitches about lack of freedom, though he has 5 days a week that he does his own activities. I am not a shrew and do not make big demands. I gave up trying to get him to share responsibilities long ago.

 

We have counseling tomorrow and I am going to bring up this topic which I know is going to piss him off. I hope that by giving up his defensive stance he can learn to redirect himself to the marriage and we will succeed. I fear that he is willing to let the marriage go in order to preserve the image he has of himself as super faithful family man. He likes to say that there is no infidelity in our marriage. I disagree.

[luvstarved]

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like your H is attracted/has feelings for this potential OW.

Just by the way you say he's acting, like comparing you to her? Yeah, he's interested in her "in that way".

No one should compare their spouse to someone else. That's totally unfair to you.

 

I am guessing you have no concrete proof of an A, maybe it hasn't happened yet.

My opinion is if he could see if this woman could have an A with him, a MM, what kind of person is she, for the long haul?

 

I don't think he is thinking of the long haul, only the long lunch!!!

 

He knows that his feelings are dangerous but again won't admit it. He knows, I think, that she is not "right" for him (if she's such a big flirt, would he like watching that, never mind the immorality of an affair). But his pants are singing a different tune.

 

I think HE is just immature and doesn't want to have to deal with my needs and feelings. I think in his mind he has decided to make the big sacrifice of confining his sexual interactions with her to thoughts in the bathroom while he jerks off and I should be somehow grateful for that.

[justagirliegirl]

Good grief, this mama's boy sounds like a total waste. I know you have probably done this already but how does he act if you greet him properly every evening? Does it really make a difference like he claims it will or is he just blathering on?

 

As for him talking about the woman at work, I wouldn't discuss her at all anymore. How disrespectful him spending hours of your time talking about some woman at work? I'd tell him to STFU about her or simply refuse to talk about her. Change the subject or leave the room.

 

I really don't see your situation improving any. I'd probably pack his childish arse up and send him back to mamma.

[Trialbyfire]

Good grief, this mama's boy sounds like a total waste. I know you have probably done this already but how does he act if you greet him properly every evening? Does it really make a difference like he claims it will or is he just blathering on?

 

As for him talking about the woman at work, I wouldn't discuss her at all anymore. How disrespectful him spending hours of your time talking about some woman at work? I'd tell him to STFU about her or simply refuse to talk about her. Change the subject or leave the room.

 

I really don't see your situation improving any. I'd probably pack his childish arse up and send him back to mamma.

Short, sweet and more importantly, to the point. I completely agree.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'd say that your H runs hot and cold with this woman, because she is probably alternating between flirting with him, and shutting him off coldly. When she is warm and receptive, he will talk nicely about her. When she shuts him down or flirts with someone else, he becomes jealous and she is a 'bitch'. It sounds like he wants her attention for himself. Perhaps she is coming on to him, and he is saying "I want to, but I can't - I'm married" and then she turns that around and backs off, dangling the carrot so to speak in order to show him what he is missing. Or, she is the one saying "I can't, you are married" - and then acts in such a way as to tempt him to NOT be married anymore. Either way, in a lot of cases like this, this 'back and forth' can go on for a long time before an affair actually comes out of it.

 

I can tell you this: when the 'chase' is on like this, the WS will funnel nearly all of his sexual energy into flirting, chasing and wooing the OW, or masturbating furiously thinking about her. He will not 'settle' for sex with his BS when the promise of sex with the OW is just around the corner. It sounds terrible when put this way, but cheating is a terrible thing. There is no way to put any compassionate or pretty face on it.

 

He tells you that he dislikes her and that he in not interested in her in order to throw you off the scent. Plenty of people have talked mad smack about their OW/OM to their spouses to try to cover up the fact that they are involved with them.

 

Now that said, I'm not implying that your H is actually involved with her but it sounds like he wants to be, and he is certainly affected by whether or not this woman is paying attention to him.

 

It is a good thing you are going to counseling. The first step to stomping out this problem, is for him to admit that there is one (which means he will have to stop protecting his potential R with the OW, and give it up). Perhaps this counseling will give you both an opportunity to out this problem and work on fixing it.

[jmargel]

IMO sounds like he wants a woman like his mom and you are a little too controlling.

 

So when those two opposites hit into each other it will throw him off course and make him wonder what is out there. You also have to decide on what are you getting out of this marriage?

 

If he wants this woman then nothing you can say or do will stop him from feeling this. The best thing to do is open the cage door. Tell him to go, that you are not going to be dragged through the mud. By having a third party in this only complicates matters.

 

Men equate sex with love (from their partners) and it's not like a light switch we can flip on like most women think. You can't go from not wanting sex to demanding it from him. That's not fair for anyone to have to go through. You can be nice or tell us a million times over that you love us but when it's not met with making love then over time the words become meaningless.

 

As the other poster stated us men thrive on positive reinforcement or praise. The worse feeling to us in the world is disappointment, so over a long period of time when all we hear is negatives we push ourselves away from our spouse. Why would we want to be with someone who thinks of us as a failure and not really worth something when there is another woman out there that would just LOVE to be in our company?

 

We often get so comfortable in a relationship that we take each other for granted and when that starts the communication gets sour. That is usually the leading cause for future problems as well. You two want to work on communication and bettering it, not dragging this fight into something worse.

[FireandIce]

I agree with the others. It sounds like he's more interested in her than he's leading you to believe. If you don't be careful and find out what's going on then you could end up like me.

 

My WH talked about this girl at work quite a bit. Nothing sexual or anything like that but he would mention her from time to time. I didn't think anything of it because I'm not really a jealous person. He came home one day and said his friend (this girls boyfriend/fiance) was mad at him at work. I asked why and he said that this guy thought he was having an affair with her. I asked why he would think that and he said that she told this guy that she didn't want to see him anymore because she was in love with someone else "but she only said that because she wanted an excuse to break up with him. There's nothing going on........honest". Yeah, right. What a fool I was.

[Sheba]

Luvstarved

 

I am sorry things are going so poorly again. You had a mere moment of warmth it seems.

 

I have been in this struggle too. My husband was flirting with a woman we both work with - a lot. When I first raised the issue, he denied it wildly, said he was only being friendly, etc... I kept pressing. He got more and more angry. He actually said things like "you are ruining my life".

 

Over the course of the past few years, I see less of this behaviour from him towards her, but he adamently denies that he ever had a crush on her. Twice he has danced on the edge of an admission: saying in a general, all round rage "I flirted, big deal". When asked directly by our marriage counsellor he replied "I am not admitting to a capital offence".

 

I think that your husband, like mine, is very needy. Having a strong woman (you and I) is what they want, but at the same time they want to feel macho and desirable. So, they look elsewhere to have their egos stroked, probably convincing themselves it is just a friendship. Of course, that could be the start of the slippery slope.

 

I believed for years that I needed an admission from him that he was flirting and that would be the beginning of the end of the problem. However, it is clear to me that I am never going to get that. At this point, I hope to solve this problem in my marriage by not seeking the admission any more, while insisting that the behaviour stop. This approach may work for you.

 

Tell your husband that whatever his motives are, his relationship with the "OW" must end. He must extract himself from all but a superficial work relationship. No more lunches with her. No switching to her department. No solving her problems. No discussions about her at home. Tell him that the trade off you will make for his withdrawal will be a greater effort to be more warm at home. Would he agree to this?

 

I hesitate to suggest this, but perhaps you should also consider whether or not you can and should stop by his office to have lunch with him now and again. As a "surprise" even. It seems to me that some of the spouses of people I work with are at our office very often at lunch, or at the end of the day to pick their spouse up. One woman goes to lunch with her husband almost every single day. Is this at all possible for you?

 

It would be better, even, if he could work elsewhere. That may be out of the question, of course.

 

This is not, of course, a solution to the "no sex" problem, but I agree with you that you cannot work on your other relationship problems so long as the spectre of this woman is haunting your marriage.

[smartgirl]

You are in dangerous territory. Your H is obsessed with this woman and it is clear that thoughts of her consume him.

 

I think he is struggling with those feelings and may feel that by talking to you about her it helps him to diffuse the feelings and makes her the outsider. Be thankful for that. It is when they don't talk to you about the woman that it gets really dangerous. When they keep her a secret from you, it is because they have a feeling that it will lead to something. I think your H is trying to fight it, but is having mixed success. It sounds like she is very aware of the effect she is having on him and it makes her feel great.

 

So, a couple of things. First are he has to confront his feelings. He is being tortured by his feelings for her and he has got to get that resolved before he succumbs. Maybe he needs some alone sessions where he can open up with the counselor. Show him the article that I have attached a link to. It sums up perfectly what happened with my H and what could happen to your H if he isn't careful.

 

[COLOR=#800080]http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=821784[/COLOR]

 

Next, there could a be a couple of things going on with the sex. Likely, you had some issues to begin with in the way you relate on the issu. With this other woman coming on to him, it is distracting him further.

 

Get a copy of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom - TODAY. It is a short read, but has a lot of good info. You read it first and then him. You both need some perspective on what makes the other tick sexually and I think the book will help a lot. I know how you feel, but I think that your approach is wrong. Sadly, when a wife pushes for sex it can shut a man down. Whereas when an OW pushes for sex, it turns him on. Sick but true. There are a lot of good insights in the book.

 

I wish you luck. I feel like your husband is trying to hold on to you like a life line, but he doesn't really know where to go from here. Hopefully you and the MC will be able to get him onto safe ground.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WOW, smartgirl, that link should be required reading! That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell!

[FireandIce]

WOW, smartgirl, that link should be required reading! That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell!

 

ITA! Very interesting read.

[Darth Vader]

Luv, your husband talking all the time about another woman is a red flag of an affair! If they havn't done it, they will soon, count on it! How's the keylogger turning out?

[Lizzie60]

I think your husband is obsessed with this woman.. He likes the attention, the flirting.. it drives him crazy...but I think she does it because she knows it drives him crazy and she loves it.

 

He's masturbating a lot and IMO that's another sign that he's obsessed and fascinated with her...

 

Sorry but your husband needs a serious wake-up call... I find it very strange that he discusses her with you... that is really stupid and disrespectful for you... It seems that he sees you more like a 'best friend/mother' than his wife/lover.

 

Strange...

 

If I were you I would seriously think of leaving him cause I wouldn't want with a man who obsesses and masturbates constantly thinking about the meeting/swinging legs from a colleague that day...

[luvstarved]

I've talked with him a little bit more about this. He had not mentioned her for a long time but that seemed to be because he didn't want to get me into one of my "jealous fits" so I quit asking about her too. So this was actually the first time in a while he had TALKED about her but I assumed that it was intentional avoidance of the topic.

 

I definitely think that as a human man he is attracted to her. He told me that she scares him and that he does not want anything to do with her. He told me that he talks to me about her because it helps him to defuse the situation. He said that he would not be telling me about this stuff if he had any plans to pursue her, which does kind of make sense.

 

He said that he has told her on several occasions that she was violating his boundaries by touching him and to stop. I suggested that he threaten her with sexual harrassment charge if she did it again!!

 

He went to meeting with her this morning and sat on other side of table (they have this meeting every morning). I asked if she swung legs when he was not beside her and he said no. He said that he now just will sit on the other side of the table.

 

I don't know what her story is. I know that she gets attention from men but does not seem able to keep one for long. I know she is attractive but have never seen her. It does seem that she is singling out my husband for this type of attention but I don't really know why. Perhaps it serves her ego to try to "break" a married man. I do know that my H is the only really good looking guy in the place and he does, unfortunately, get LOTS of attention from women in general. To his credit, he does not play this up nearly as much as he could and sometimes I think he is somewhat unaware of it (which is GOOD).

 

So, for the moment, I am going to have to try to trust him that he is on the up and up about her. I suppose it would irritate me to some substantial degree if some guy were doing that to me. I am not stupid, I am sure that he gets some titillation out of it and has probably masturbated thinking about her, but as I said I have been hypervigilant and there is no evidence whatsoever of external contact between the two...so I have nothing to do but remain hypervigilant and hope for the best.

 

Meanwhile, my H and I had counseling today and that went really well so I am feeling hopeful again that we can get back on track romantically. Part of the upshot was that I have not approached him properly and basically intimidated him. So, we have a plan moving forward, and we'll see how that goes.

 

Thanks so much for the responses!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just keep your eyes open, and never blindly trust in a situation like this. Its good that he is open to counseling. Perhaps this can help defuse the situation, and allow the two of you to work on your own stuff.

[smartgirl]

I think your husband is obsessed with this woman.. He likes the attention, the flirting.. it drives him crazy...but I think she does it because she knows it drives him crazy and she loves it.

 

He's masturbating a lot and IMO that's another sign that he's obsessed and fascinated with her...

 

Sorry but your husband needs a serious wake-up call... I find it very strange that he discusses her with you... that is really stupid and disrespectful for you... It seems that he sees you more like a 'best friend/mother' than his wife/lover.

 

Strange...

 

If I were you I would seriously think of leaving him cause I wouldn't want with a man who obsesses and masturbates constantly thinking about the meeting/swinging legs from a colleague that day...

 

Lizzie - just because someone develops a sexual crush on another person doesn't mean they need to be divorced. It means they are human and weak, as are we all. I don't like to be confrontational, but given your posts you hardly seem to be the right person to offer advice on love and commitment within a marriage. People who are serious about their marriages don't walk out everytime their spouses let them down. They try to honor their vows and work things out. Within reason obviously.

 

I also don't believe that the H in this case talks about the potential OW to be disrepectful to his wife. I think he is trying the only way he knows how to neutralize the affect the OW is having on him.

 

I do agree that the OW knows exactly what she is doing. She sees the impact she is having and it seems to light her up like a Christmas tree. It would be nice if men saw that as the manipulative slutty behavior that women do. Unfortunately, they are usually so flattered that they go off their rocker.

 

This woman and her H do have some sexual issues to work out and I think that is a big part of the problem for this man. He is being "pursued" by his wife and by this OW. He is likely turned on by the OWs pursuit and intimidated by his wife's. It is sad that when a wife does this a man acts like it is a chore being added to his list. Men understand little to nothing about their feelings. They're a bunch of dolts in this area.

 

I would like to make another pitch for the Mars and Venus in the Bedroom book. I have to say I understood some feelings I had been having much better after and I definitely understood his feelings better.

[luvstarved]

Lizzie - just because someone develops a sexual crush on another person doesn't mean they need to be divorced. It means they are human and weak, as are we all. I don't like to be confrontational, but given your posts you hardly seem to be the right person to offer advice on love and commitment within a marriage. People who are serious about their marriages don't walk out everytime their spouses let them down. They try to honor their vows and work things out. Within reason obviously.

 

I also don't believe that the H in this case talks about the potential OW to be disrepectful to his wife. I think he is trying the only way he knows how to neutralize the affect the OW is having on him.

 

I do agree that the OW knows exactly what she is doing. She sees the impact she is having and it seems to light her up like a Christmas tree. It would be nice if men saw that as the manipulative slutty behavior that women do. Unfortunately, they are usually so flattered that they go off their rocker.

 

This woman and her H do have some sexual issues to work out and I think that is a big part of the problem for this man. He is being "pursued" by his wife and by this OW. He is likely turned on by the OWs pursuit and intimidated by his wife's. It is sad that when a wife does this a man acts like it is a chore being added to his list. Men understand little to nothing about their feelings. They're a bunch of dolts in this area.

 

I would like to make another pitch for the Mars and Venus in the Bedroom book. I have to say I understood some feelings I had been having much better after and I definitely understood his feelings better.

 

Thank you smartgirl, your user name is apt! Yes I do believe on the one hand that my H cannot help responding to this sort of attention and on the other finding it to be "pressure" coming from me. However, I do admit that as my frustrations have increased, my methods have become less seductive and more jealous/sarcastic as was pointed out to me yesterday.

 

My H has more or less admitted that he lusts after other women (not to any extreme but "of course he has lustful thoughts" type of thing) and that he has never been in a 10 year relationship and does not know how to keep it growing. He has also WILDLY denied any attraction to her although yesterday I did get him to "maybe in the beginning...". But I also think that by talking to me he IS trying to do the right thing and hopefully I can help him in a way that avoids an affair while at the same time rekindling his interest in me.

 

I can't deny that it galls me that this is being flaunted in front of him 40 hours a week and I would love to find a way to get more info. He really gets defensive about it and when I bring up the topic rather than him, then it is just about my jealousy. But the way he talks about it now it sounds like something he has tried to deflect and she keeps finding new ways to be provocative. So now I am even more pissed at HER because I had always thought it was him and/or mutual (mutual in terms of INTENT). Now it does kind of sound like he is trying and she is persisting.

 

I don't know how the hell to monitor this...but I have to find some way of not letting my guard down on this one... Sigh!!!

[smartgirl]

One poster suggested meeting him at his office to go for lunch. Is this possible?

 

On the cheating thread, a fellow who was being pursued by a woman at work started bringing up positive stories about his wife and kids everytime the woman tried to get personal - or he told her outright that he wanted to keep the conversation to business. Has your H tried anything like this?

 

Perhaps these things would just egg this woman on. In that case, he should write her a letter and copy his HR department. He should say that her behavior, list examples, makes him uncomfortable and is unprofessional and disrespectful. That he has asked her numerous times to stop and she doesn't. That this is his last warning before taking formal action. Hopefully his office is of the size that they have policies in place to cover this.

 

Be careful you don't stimulate her to further action. It sounds like she feels this is fun. Don't make it more fun for her by showing that she is getting to you too.

[luvstarved]

One poster suggested meeting him at his office to go for lunch. Is this possible?

 

On the cheating thread, a fellow who was being pursued by a woman at work started bringing up positive stories about his wife and kids everytime the woman tried to get personal - or he told her outright that he wanted to keep the conversation to business. Has your H tried anything like this?

 

Perhaps these things would just egg this woman on. In that case, he should write her a letter and copy his HR department. He should say that her behavior, list examples, makes him uncomfortable and is unprofessional and disrespectful. That he has asked her numerous times to stop and she doesn't. That this is his last warning before taking formal action. Hopefully his office is of the size that they have policies in place to cover this.

 

Be careful you don't stimulate her to further action. It sounds like she feels this is fun. Don't make it more fun for her by showing that she is getting to you too.

 

Well...he has told her to not touch him and said he said at a meeting "boundary violation! boundary violation!" when she started with the leg swinging and she acted pissed. I told him that he should threaten to slap her with sexual harassment and he agreed her behavior would qualify. He also complained to boss who very professionally told him that he would be flattered if a good-looking blonde was swinging her legs at HIM! Today he told the person in charge while boss is on vacation and SHE agreed with H that the woman is out of line.

 

I don't know if he has talked about me much but he brought in pictures from our last trip to work and showed them to all, including her and she just kind of acted "yeah, nice". There were lots of affectionate shots of me and him...

 

But one thing that had pissed me off about my H talking about this is that he tries to portray that he was never enticed by her and I told him tonight that it made me feel like he was trying to pretend that I was an idiot and he was superhuman and he allowed about the initial attraction and occasional titillation but said that now he is just fed up and fully aware that her intentions are malicious. I guess he thought it would "hurt me" to hear but really it hurts me more to be treated like a fool.

 

This woman lived with some guy for 17 years then he dumped her and turned around and married someone else. Then she married a guy and he turned out to be gay. She just got dumped again by a guy after about two months. H says she is also flirting it up big time with another married man. So I think she is jealous of people with REAL relationships and is out to piss off the women as much as the guys.

 

But I told H he has to deal with this. And to not overtly react to her either way, i.e., don't let her get his goat and for God's sake don't let her win and embarrass me in absentia by drooling over her (having talked to him again, it sounds like he is past that but I am not closing me eyes just yet).

[smartgirl]

See if you can find the thread by Networkingman on the Cheating forum. It said something in the title about being attracted to a coworker. It might help you and be enlightening to your H to read the posts of this man as he struggled with his growing attraction to a coworker and his efforts to get past it. He got a lot of good advice from posters, took some of it and found a way to get past the danger.

 

What your H may not realize is that even if he is feeling annoyed by her now, it has still probably affected his ability to feel attracted to you. You can get that back, but you need to work on it together.

 

One of the things I learned in all this is that the Cosmo type advice on attracting a man doesn't work on a H. What works best on the H is understanding his perspective - what makes him feel loved, wanted, safe, appreciated and desirable. It isn't always what you think and he is usually incapable of understanding it himself, let alone being able to tell you. That is why I found some of the reading so illuminating.

[BentSpine]

The article, that the link points to, is as unbiased as the advice of a travelling salesman. For instance, it does not mention exit affairs, an affair that gives a person strenght to leave a relationship that, thanks to the affair, they have realised is bad for them.

 

Well...he has told her to not touch him and said he said at a meeting "boundary violation! boundary violation!" when she started with the leg swinging and she acted pissed.

Sounds like he rationally has decided that is better to stay with you. But he admitted to being attracted to her in the past. Well, attraction is not under concious control, so unless she has done something to turn him off, odds are he still finds her attractive. And if she has picked up on his interest, she now knows that deep down he is still attracted to her.

 

She is aware that he's only trying to be someone who's not attracted to her. Similarly, when he shows her the family photos she thinks: "he is trying to convince me AND himself that he doesn't desire me anymore." Talking positively about the family will be met the same way, I think. She knows of his attraction. Making other's aware of her behaviour, such as he did when saying "boundary violation" might provide costly repercussions for her, should she choose to continue wooing him.

[RIDINGTHEBULLS1]

I'm sorry but I have an opposite take. I don't see how this will NOT lead to an affair somewhere down the road between them. He is obviously obsessed with her.