How do I give assurances?

[Crimson107]

My family is on a month long visit back to our old home 4 states away. I find myself alone again. I have no intentions or desires to repeat my mistake of giving into my ego for a stupid affair. It is still hard to assure her I am back to being honest and a man of honor. She easily thinks the worst if things go bad. She misses me and I am lost with out my wife. The worst part is that I was to stay behind and work lots of OT and keep them funded for the trip. Unfortunately, I went back to work for only half a day to find out my contract job still doesn't need me. So I am not having an affair but I don't have a job to keep things going. I am not a bum and there isn't anything I am turning down. I even went to the fast food spots and can't get a job there. Life Sucks.

 

If anybody is considering an affair -DONT DO IT. Karma kicks your ass afterwards and it is a continual uphill battle. Last time I found trouble that almost killed me. Now trouble is forced upon me by not having work. I am so blue, lonely and sad how I let everybody down. just need to vent some. I really do love my wife. I just wish I could prove it and give ways to make her feel it

[LakesideDream]

No jobs? Ebay! Go to Ebay and sign up, start selling the junk stored in your garage that you haven't used, or even looked at in years. Spend 3-4 hours a day just browsing through Ebay looking at things that interest you, that you already know something about.

 

Once you have $300-400 from selling junk, keep looking around the garage and your house, and hit the local garage/tag sales and flea market looking for bargains to resell.

 

It's a great second job.

[Trialbyfire]

If you really want to show her, ask her what she needs to start trusting you again. More likely she will need full disclosure and some form of consistency. The more inconsistent you are, the less she will trust you. I don't know how your affair came to light but I suspect you probably did what most people do and tried to gaslight her.

[quiet1one1]

Sorry to hear you're so down. We all go through these times.

 

Karma works both ways, my friend. Do good things for you, your wife, your family, and the special people in your life and karma will reward you. You did bad; you got bad back...it only follows that that if you do good; you'll then get good back. Right?

 

Both you and your W should read the book "After the Affair". I believe it will help both of you as you work through this trying time.

[smartgirl]

Your wife needs to hear from you about how you feel about her. Maybe you never did that much before, but do it now.

 

Write her a letter every day that she is gone. Don't email. My husband and I had to be apart a good deal early in our marriage. Hearing him pour out his heart about how much he missed me was priceless. I still read those letters. I long to get a letter from him now. Or an email. He is really bad at expressing himself, but I really need to hear it.

 

I feel shaken after the A. I wonder how he feels about me after being with someone else. Does he appreciate me more? I believe he does and he says that - but I want to hear details.

 

And go on Craigs list to look for jobs. Keep busy.

[Lynna]

Do nice things for her and the rest of the family while they are gone. Fix up things around the house, maybe small projects that she has wanted to have done for awhile. Do things like weed her garden, clean the gutters, plant her some new flowers, etc. Things that don't cost much, but that give a special touch. Things like this will show her that you are thinking of her, and will clearly show that you have been occupying your time in productive ways. Write her a nice romantic letter (or a few) while she is gone telling her how much you miss her and how you can't wait to see her again. Send them to her there. (Not email, but an actual letter.) Experiment with cooking some new dishes while she is gone so you can cook the whole family a nice dinner to welcome them home.

 

Keep looking for work everywhere and anywhere you can think of. Surely something will come up eventually. Maybe you even need to look for work in another town? Though that is something you should DEFINITELY talk to your wife about first, I don't know how you guys feel about moving. Maybe you could look for work back "home" where they are now.

 

When she comes home have the house in perfect shape, everything just the way that she would want it. She will be impressed that you took the time and effort, and that you have paid attention to what she likes. Be creative, think of things that would impress your wife, would ler her know that you care about her and her wishes, and of course about the whole family. And keep these things up when she gets back too. Especially the romantic parts.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

A lot of women replying on how you can make her feel special.. express yourself, do acts of service, give gifts or offer romantic acts. I would suggest that you buy the book "5 love languages" and read it and ask her to take the test to determine her love language, then you will know completely how to make her fill loved. Simply knowing the 5 languages isn't enough, the book offers throrough explanations of the different aspects and types of each language. I took the test online before I read the book and disagreed with the order of my own LL as evidenced by the test. After reading the book and explanations of each type the test was spot on. I think this will show her that you want to learn how to love her and fill her up, that its a priority to you.

 

Everything suggested here would be a nice thing to do. My only advice is to stay away from t hings that you did in the past to make things up to her, those can be powerful triggers that you might not even recognise. During my H's affair I received gifts for no reason several times a week. Thoughtful baubles or more expensive perfumes and jewelry. Now receiving a gift from him makes my heart race and my face turn red! Our 21st wedding anniversary he started the day with specialty coffees and gourmet treats and a sweet card on the counter when I woke up. I thought HOW SWEET. Then I received 2 dozen roses, and now I'm starting to feel a little panicy. Then a suprise dinner at a new place to the tune of $350.00, THEN a very expensive diamond necklace, and he is thinking that the tears running down my face are tears of joy! I was devistated, how could you! Do you think you can buy my love???? The first gift was something you know I love in the mornings but the rest show me that you are trying to buy me, I WANT HONESTY, not gifts. So just be careful that the things you do are not triggers for her.

[Trialbyfire]

Everything suggested here would be a nice thing to do. My only advice is to stay away from t hings that you did in the past to make things up to her, those can be powerful triggers that you might not even recognise. During my H's affair I received gifts for no reason several times a week. Thoughtful baubles or more expensive perfumes and jewelry. Now receiving a gift from him makes my heart race and my face turn red! Our 21st wedding anniversary he started the day with specialty coffees and gourmet treats and a sweet card on the counter when I woke up. I thought HOW SWEET. Then I received 2 dozen roses, and now I'm starting to feel a little panicy. Then a suprise dinner at a new place to the tune of $350.00, THEN a very expensive diamond necklace, and he is thinking that the tears running down my face are tears of joy! I was devistated, how could you! Do you think you can buy my love???? The first gift was something you know I love in the mornings but the rest show me that you are trying to buy me, I WANT HONESTY, not gifts. So just be careful that the things you do are not triggers for her.

Once again, IWWH, were we married to the same man? While he didn't gift me as regularly during his affair, he most certainly tried to buy me back. It made me feel sick. NPD does appear to have a strong pattern of doing the easiest things to get what you want...

[quiet1one1]

I would suggest that you buy the book "5 love languages" and read it and ask her to take the test to determine her love language, then you will know completely how to make her fill loved. Simply knowing the 5 languages isn't enough, the book offers throrough explanations of the different aspects and types of each language.

 

Hi IWWH,

An interesting story about that book if I may. I read it recently and throughly enjoyed it. I picked out my LL easily. I read them to my wife and she agreed on mine (I actually had two: touch and verbal i think they were named) but neither of us could find one for her. Not one of the five! I know because throughout my M, I have regularly done all 5 for/to her and I still do - none have worked for me. I wonder how the OM got through to make her fall in love with him?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Here a link to the quiz online... scroll down past the first screen shot to find it.

 

 

[COLOR=#800080]?? What's Your Love Language...[/COLOR]

[Crimson107]

Thanks for all the suggestions. And Yep, I am on craigslist all the time looking for jobs. Monster and career builder really are worthless in most cases of good jobs. Who you know is still number one by a mile.

 

I plan on writing her. I wrote during my affair when I was alone the last time. Sure hoe that doesn't become a trigger. I always meant it in a good way. I had the affair but never stopped loving my wife and family. I disrespected them in the worst way but I didn't want to leave. The OW was so time consuming and it took me away from my focus and I was foolishly not noticing. When I got reunited with them it took me a week and a half to confess. Another foolish thing was that I could keep it a dirty little secret. However, The guilt tugged on me and the OW stayed in touch through email. Being seperated from OW made me realize how dirty I was and I burned to confess. I was totally foolish and blind in my selfishness. So it went down in the ugly way that things do. My only grief for the OW is losing a friend. She had nothing over my wife. Many were surprised I had acted so badly. I have always been a loving husband. Sometimes I'm a push over and I think that was my weakness to my ego temptation. Satan knows how to work all your nerves and your vices.

 

Now it is hard cause she is asking me permission to go out and be as wild as she can. No inhibitions (wink. wink). I feel like a hypocrit and she is just asking hypothetical. I feel like it's a mind game. If I say yes well then I am kind of stupid. If I say no then I am an *******. It's frustrating. Too firm and it breaks. Too soft then gets twisted and tangled. She needs to have a good time but I don't want to lose again on the other side.

[Ladyjane14]

Now it is hard cause she is asking me permission to go out and be as wild as she can. No inhibitions (wink. wink). I feel like a hypocrit and she is just asking hypothetical. I feel like it's a mind game. If I say yes well then I am kind of stupid. If I say no then I am an *******. It's frustrating. Too firm and it breaks. Too soft then gets twisted and tangled. She needs to have a good time but I don't want to lose again on the other side.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think it's important that somewhere in your response to this question you acknowledge your current awareness of the emotional disconnect you allowed to exist within the relationship during and prior to the affair. I think it would be wise to emphasize how you've learned that this kind of "emotional disconnect" must always be addressed in order for both parties to feel secure and happy within the marriage.

 

This isn't really a question of fair treatment. If it was... What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose, right? It's only fair that your wife get the same opportunity that you had to play around outside the marriage in that case.

 

Nope. This is more about rebuilding the emotional intimacy that you had when you first started out together. Anything that impedes that is going to prevent true recovery. So, while your reluctant inclination when pressed might be to say, "fair is fair"... it wouldn't be an action that helps to achieve the ultimate goal.

[Chubbi]

Are you saying you think your W would cheat on you?