sockpuppet Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I'm going to try to write this without coming across as too judgmental, but my main purpose is to figure out if I'm being totally irrational and unfair. It's my ex, and it's over, but it's something that I've always noticed and never really been comfortable with. I'm wondering if it's just me. Basically, my now-ex LOVES getting close and cuddly with her guy friends. In pictures with everyone from her best friends to recent acquaintances she runs into at bars, it seems like she just hangs all over them in photos. I never saw it person, because obviously we were dating then, I'm just going on what I saw from before we were dating, and now. It's just hard for me to understand, I don't really know any girls that are that physical. It's just all connected to her past in my head, her sexual history and the fact that she's just the super-social always up for a good time type. I never distrusted her while we were dating by the way. Also most of her sexual encounters have developed from her 'close friendships.' So, opinions from other women on this? Am I just coming across as a totally jealous guy who isn't getting the same thing she is, and is bitter? Or is there something to what I'm talking about? I hope my bias isn't coloring this too much. It's just frustrating, because since we broke up, I had an extremely hard time getting close to anyone, and it seems like her way of dealing was to get close with EVERYONE.
norajane Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 This is why people here recommend No Contact after a break-up. Contact often prolongs the pain and gives you new things to feel hurt about. Wherever it is that you are finding these pictures of her now, stop. From what you're saying, your girl is social, outgoing and has lots of friends. I've known many women who are touchy-feely with their male friends. I'm that way. It feels good. Human contact feels good. Being with good friends feels good. Being silly and playful with your friends is fun and feels good. That's how many women are - they get close to their friends for fun and support. Obviously, she can't be "into" all of them. Sure, she might be interested in one of them. Don't you have friends, male or female? Do you go out and have fun with them? You shouldn't be wallowing at home all the time - it does a person good to put your thoughts aside sometimes and just let go with people who care about you.
Author sockpuppet Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Don't you have friends, male or female? Do you go out and have fun with them? You shouldn't be wallowing at home all the time - it does a person good to put your thoughts aside sometimes and just let go with people who care about you.Actually, no, and this is the problem, and it's been a consistent one. I've spent very little time physically at my current university, which is also notorious for being hard to make friends at. It's now my senior year, and I live off-campus. I've tried making friends at my job- it's just a slower process. I really, really, really wish I had a network of friends in place like she did. People to support me and to force me to go out when I started getting down, people who knew me for who I was when I wasn't in the throes of a breakup. I don't have that. Instead, I am still at the phase with people where I have to invite myself to things, and always try to tag along, and I can't just act the way I feel, because they have no idea what I'm like otherwise. This was an issue before the breakup, afterwards, it's just destroyed me. My ego and self esteem were hurting before, now they're just in shambles. I don't know what I even enjoying doing anymore that I could meet people doing. I still don't understand how someone can go from being deeply in love to incredibly cold in such a short time...at the rate I'm going it's going to take forever to move on. It's hard not to be bitter...she's had the stereotypical college experience at a party school...hell her life has seemed like a constant party. Even when she's hurting she manages to act like she's fine, and she's always got someone wanting to be there for her. I'm not socially inept, I've just had entirely different circumstances, but I'm sick of waiting for things to get better.
norajane Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Actually, no, and this is the problem, and it's been a consistent one. I've spent very little time physically at my current university, which is also notorious for being hard to make friends at. It's now my senior year, and I live off-campus. I've tried making friends at my job- it's just a slower process. I really, really, really wish I had a network of friends in place like she did. People to support me and to force me to go out when I started getting down, people who knew me for who I was when I wasn't in the throes of a breakup. I don't have that. Instead, I am still at the phase with people where I have to invite myself to things, and always try to tag along, and I can't just act the way I feel, because they have no idea what I'm like otherwise. This was an issue before the breakup, afterwards, it's just destroyed me. My ego and self esteem were hurting before, now they're just in shambles. I don't know what I even enjoying doing anymore that I could meet people doing. I still don't understand how someone can go from being deeply in love to incredibly cold in such a short time...at the rate I'm going it's going to take forever to move on. It's hard not to be bitter...she's had the stereotypical college experience at a party school...hell her life has seemed like a constant party. Even when she's hurting she manages to act like she's fine, and she's always got someone wanting to be there for her. I'm not socially inept, I've just had entirely different circumstances, but I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. Have you considered you don't have to wait? You don't have to tag along. INVITE people to go do things with you. Hey, let's grab a beer after work. Hey, I'm going to the baseball game on Friday - anyone want to come? Hey, there's a concert on Saturday - let's go. Hey, there's a club that opened down the street, let's go next Friday. Getting involve with groups, like softball or hiking or whatever, is also a great way to meet people you have interests in common with. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you.
jcster Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 First off, be kind to yourself - you've been through a lot, and it's HARD to start over. Realize that you aren't feeling your best, and take small steps to be more social. Since you are at a University, what do you think of joining a club or informal sports team like Ultimate? These are usually pretty low key, and you'll meet a lot of people in a similar situation. Remember - you don't have to go from zero to sixty! You can just invite a few aquaintences out for drinks or a movie - you can go over to the dorms and play pool or ping pong. And...be yourself from the start - trust me, you're not going to be the weirdest one in the group. Just don't fall in the trap of comparing your life to hers. Resentments are a tough thing to overcome, but they will make your life absolutely miserable.
Author sockpuppet Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Just don't fall in the trap of comparing your life to hers. Resentments are a tough thing to overcome, but they will make your life absolutely miserable. This has been a long-standing problem in the relationship...At first she intimidated me, then I started to judge her, then I realized where my judgments were coming from and realized how insecure I was about the way I'd lived my life up to this point. I realized I really had to entirely change the way I saw things, and people, in order to be able to be happy, especially with her. I was working on that, then she basically flaked out on me and decided she didn't want to wait anymore. I know it's a recipe for disaster, I'm working on it. Thanks for all the other tips. I know I need to be proactive, it's just hard to even take that first step. I don't even feel myself half the time I'm with people, and it's so hard to relax and let loose. It's like even the smallest things are a challenge. I haven't always been like this- it's a culmination of a long time of small dissatisfaction and the way things just went recently. I'll try and find things, school doesn't start again for another two months so it's quiet around here. Next month, I'm thinking of doing a volunteer project in Europe to clear my head and get away for a while. This won't exactly make me more friends back here, but I still think it'll help my emotional state.
jcster Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I've been in your shoes - and it sucks. Just remember that even if you only move 1/2 centimeter ahead, it's still forward progress. Take tiny steps and each success will encourage you to try again. You sound like you have identified the problem and that truly is the hardest part.
alphamale Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 she's just a born flirt SOCKPUPPET and there is nothin' you can do. I've dated women like this in the past....many of them were attractive and had great personalities and could make men do whatever they wanted but when the dust settled there wasn't much going on upstairs, intellectually speaking.
Author sockpuppet Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 she's just a born flirt SOCKPUPPET and there is nothin' you can do. I've dated women like this in the past....many of them were attractive and had great personalities and could make men do whatever they wanted but when the dust settled there wasn't much going on upstairs, intellectually speaking. She is a big flirt, and she does have a great personality...and while I think those types of girls you described can often have little going on intellectually, I honestly don't believe this is the case with her. Regardless I guess this is really about me, and not her, so it's what I need to focus on.
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