pattid Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hi, I'm at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 26 and he's 29. We have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. Last fall I found out that he had a couple of affairs (that I know of) with escorts in 2002 and 2004. Plus he was active on AdultFriend Finder as well as Yahoo Personals. I was able to hack into his secret email address and find all this out. To make things more complicating, he was a Youth Pastor at our church. I told the pastor what was going on and he ended up getting fired. He's always been pretty angry and controlling in our marriage, especially with our finances. Last year I began to start hiding finances from him and just blowing it. We're in huge debt now and he blames me for it. I'm really trying to get over it but anytime he tries to touch me I want to throw up. I've turned into this angry person and my self-esteem is down to zero. I'm constantly afraid that he will do it again. I've just forgotten how to be normal. I am taking something but I'm still feeling like crap. Any feedback or perspective would be great!
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Do you love him and do you want to try to save the marriage? If so, you two need to get to marriage counselling, or if you're involved with the Church, talk to someone there to help counsel you two. Has he admitted what he did was wrong? Is he sorry? Because it seems to me, as controlling as he is, he will only change if he wants to. Being controlled like that, affair or not, IS damaging anyway. And it usually gets worse later into the marriage.
Lynna Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 There are several things that you should do right away. First, get checked for STDs, unfortunately, he may have infected you, especially after having sex with escorts who have probably had a LOT of partners. Second, you might want to consider individual counseling for yourself as well as marriage counseling. It is important that you have individual counseling so that you can decide what you want and whether you want to stay married to this man. Since he did this several times it is likely that it might happen again. Are you willing to deal with that? Are you willing to deal with his hippocritic attitude with preaching one thing and doing something else? Are you will to deal with his anger and controlling attitude? Do you love him enough that you want to try to save your marriage? Individual counseling will also help you feel better about yourself. If you are not sure that you want to stay in your marriage then you might consider a trial separation. Finally, you should sit down and make a budget, together if possible, but on your own if you have to. Putting some structure on your spending will help you feel a little more in control.
drake111 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 well jeez, theres not much you can do...the whole thing is a disaster..what can you do besides completely sever it? it's destroyed.
Author pattid Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Do you love him and do you want to try to save the marriage? If so, you two need to get to marriage counselling, or if you're involved with the Church, talk to someone there to help counsel you two. Has he admitted what he did was wrong? Is he sorry? Because it seems to me, as controlling as he is, he will only change if he wants to. Being controlled like that, affair or not, IS damaging anyway. And it usually gets worse later into the marriage. I'm not sure if I still love him. But he's the father of my kids and he IS trying really hard to makes things right. We no longer go to that church anymore- he ended up having to get up in front of the church to confess to the congregation of what he did. We've tried marriage counseling and it hasn't worked. He thinks that counseling actually hurt us more. I do want to save our marriage if it cann be. I am just someone who is very sensitive and things stay with me. I don't know how to just forgive. He says that I am bitter and that I don't have the right to hurl my bitterness his way. He says that I'm acting like a little girl.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 In order to even consider reconciliation, he needs to provide you with full disclosure and show real remorse. Overall, it's his job to win your trust back. Having said that, you will need to trust him again. I have to be honest and it wasn't worth it for me. There are so many single men out there looking, so why waste my life on someone who's so obviously broken.
Crimson107 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Forgiveness is not an over night thing. If he is passing blame back then he's being a bit controlling. It would make you question. The pain is still very fresh. You are commended for trying to be forgiving. It sounds like he might be an addict. He said counselling made things worse. Well it might still have to get worse before it can get better. Now, I have tried some counselling to understand my falling. Simply put, I was selfish and I only thought of myself. I will spend the rest of my life being sorry to earn more forgiveness. It's a long road and it will take both of your efforts. I pray he really wants to be in it. You sounds like you still care and want it to work. Try to focus on the good things. I will pray for you. Find another church. He could be very mad at you for losing his job. That is one way to get back at a man. Especially if he is not working still. You both have a long way to go just like me.
LakesideDream Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hi, I'm at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 26 and he's 29. We have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. Last fall I found out that he had a couple of affairs (that I know of) with escorts in 2002 and 2004. Plus he was active on AdultFriend Finder as well as Yahoo Personals. I was able to hack into his secret email address and find all this out. To make things more complicating, he was a Youth Pastor at our church. I told the pastor what was going on and he ended up getting fired. He's always been pretty angry and controlling in our marriage, especially with our finances. Last year I began to start hiding finances from him and just blowing it. We're in huge debt now and he blames me for it. I'm really trying to get over it but anytime he tries to touch me I want to throw up. I've turned into this angry person and my self-esteem is down to zero. I'm constantly afraid that he will do it again. I've just forgotten how to be normal. I am taking something but I'm still feeling like crap. Any feedback or perspective would be great! Pattid, 1st, using an escort is not having an "affair". The word/term affair is short for "love affair". The is no love or emotion between an escort and a client. It's a business transaction. Immoral, despicable, wrong, cheating, nasty.. yes, but not an affair. You say you retaliated by taking charge of the finances and punishing the whole family including the kids. Bad, bad move. What did the kids do to deserve punishment? Your financial moves came literally years after the last escort incident. That's holding a grudge! Presumably from your timeline the escorts came before one of the the children arrived. Your timeline also puts the last escort use as 2004. Three plus years is a long time to punish a spouse. This guy, however despicable his behavior was publicly humiliated, financially ruined, and has a wife who wants to throw up when he touches her. When is enough, enough? Maybe it's time to cut your loses and end the marriage. It sounds like the damage done to you, and the marriage is irreversable, and fatal. You are both young and have the time left to reinvent yourselves, and begin new seperate lives. Neither you or your kids will be served well in the present situation.
quiet1one1 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Pattid, 1st, using an escort is not having an "affair". The word/term affair is short for "love affair". The is no love or emotion between an escort and a client. It's a business transaction. Immoral, despicable, wrong, cheating, nasty.. yes, but not an affair. You say you retaliated by taking charge of the finances and punishing the whole family including the kids. Bad, bad move. What did the kids do to deserve punishment? Your financial moves came literally years after the last escort incident. That's holding a grudge! Presumably from your timeline the escorts came before one of the the children arrived. Your timeline also puts the last escort use as 2004. Three plus years is a long time to punish a spouse. This guy, however despicable his behavior was publicly humiliated, financially ruined, and has a wife who wants to throw up when he touches her. When is enough, enough? Maybe it's time to cut your loses and end the marriage. It sounds like the damage done to you, and the marriage is irreversable, and fatal. You are both young and have the time left to reinvent yourselves, and begin new seperate lives. Neither you or your kids will be served well in the present situation. Sorry but I have to agree with LD here. Seems to me like there's too much "water under the bridge" now, I'm afraid. Ideally this should've been dealt with (by both of you) in more positive ways years ago. If there's still any flicker for both of you though, there is hope. Is it enough? That's for you both to decide. It seems the two of you need to completely spill your guts and start over. I'm not condoning staying together for the sake of kids but making every effort and exploring every possibility icould be the greatest gift you could EVER give to your son. I've recommended the book "After the Affair" on several other threads and I think it would be good for you and your H too. Best of luck - keep posting.
Melissa277 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I'm not sure if I still love him. But he's the father of my kids and he IS trying really hard to makes things right. We no longer go to that church anymore- he ended up having to get up in front of the church to confess to the congregation of what he did. We've tried marriage counseling and it hasn't worked. He thinks that counseling actually hurt us more. I do want to save our marriage if it cann be. I am just someone who is very sensitive and things stay with me. I don't know how to just forgive. He says that I am bitter and that I don't have the right to hurl my bitterness his way. He says that I'm acting like a little girl. Pattid, I, too, am very sensitive and admit that things stay with me ... for a long time. I'm still going over in my head things I could have done better when my kids were growing up ... really! I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been trying to forgive my WS for a year and a half and I'm still not there. I feel you big time. That being said, you say he is really trying to make things right. How is he doing this? He has had several "affairs" during the marriage and accuses you of acting like a little girl because you haven't been able to get over what he did? That doesn't sound like "trying" to me. He sounds like a selfish egomaniac. Why does he think counseling hurt you? I'm thinking because he had to face some things he didn't want to face and he didn't like it. He thinks it hurt, but what do you think? Just because you haven't been able to forgive him doesn't mean you are bitter. It usually means you are still hurting and it doesn't sound like he has taken responsibility for running your marriage into the ground. You don't have the right to "hurl your bitterness his way?" He did this! He wants you to just forget it because if you do that, he feels better about himself ... ie. no guilt. He needs to go out of his way to prove to you every single day that he is a changed person, that you can trust him and that it will never happen again. Admitting his mistakes is a step in the right direction, however, for him to get angry because you don't trust him is asinine ... but unfortunately, something the majority of us (BS's) struggle with every day. WS's always expect us to just "believe" what they say even though they have lied over and over again and when we just can't, they are often angry. Trusting those who betrayed us takes a long, long time. He doesn't sound like he has much empathy for you and your feelings ... would he be so quick to trust and forgive if the shoe were on the other foot? Please don't be so hard on yourself. You feel the way you feel and only time and your H (if you still want him) can help you heal. Melissa
mopar crazy Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I am so very sorry you are going through this. Your WH seems controlling, and not at all sorry for what he did to you. He seems to think you should be over it by now. You'll never be over it, the pain will lesson as time passes, but you never just get over it. At least I haven't. I still question why. If you love your H then try to work on the M but if he refuses anymore MC then that is his way of not wanting to work on the M. Don't stay b/c you have children together. I know it isn't easy being a single mother but you can do it. Just ask God for guidance. Good luck!
LakesideDream Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Melissa, Mopar... ladies, you failed to address the point that she took it upon herself to "punish" her spouse by "ruining" their finances. While this hurts the spouse.. it also hurts to innocent children. While I agree that her husband acted in a despicable manner, there is no excuse for punishing her own children. This might be the rare situation when intensive marriage counsoling would be usefull, however it really does seem that this marriage has progress past the point of salvage already. While it may be impossible to "forgive" cheating (I could never forgive) it is not acceptable to continue punishing others who have ceased the behavior and are making efforts to atone. Pattid says she is "feeling like crap", and has forgotten how to be normal. Isn't it obvious that she is also punishing herself? I am truely sorry for Pattid. Her husband did awful things, things that destroyed their marriage. Isn't it probable that it's time for them to asy ado, and recreate themself to find happiness elsewhere? After all, they are 26 and 29. I know I would happily give up an arm or leg to be 29 again with time to have a whole new life!
ely Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Hi, I'm at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. I'm 26 and he's 29. We have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. Last fall I found out that he had a couple of affairs (that I know of) with escorts in 2002 and 2004. Plus he was active on AdultFriend Finder as well as Yahoo Personals. I was able to hack into his secret email address and find all this out. To make things more complicating, he was a Youth Pastor at our church. I told the pastor what was going on and he ended up getting fired. He's always been pretty angry and controlling in our marriage, especially with our finances. Last year I began to start hiding finances from him and just blowing it. We're in huge debt now and he blames me for it. I'm really trying to get over it but anytime he tries to touch me I want to throw up. I've turned into this angry person and my self-esteem is down to zero. I'm constantly afraid that he will do it again. I've just forgotten how to be normal. I am taking something but I'm still feeling like crap. Any feedback or perspective would be great! Hello I am sorry for what has happened to you. Same happened to me. I will update you on what I did and what my plans are in this whole dilema.
riobikini Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Patted, to be honest with you, I think you're making yourself more miserable than you ought to be. And I really *do* mean it's *you* making *you* miserable, not your husband. You see, he's already done the affair(s) -then you came along and after finding out about them, had your opportunity to start healing the hurt, dealing with the damage, and turning the tables on such a painful, destructive event and using it, instead, to try and build good and positive things that had potential to have strengthened your marriage and given it even deeper meaning. Except *you* chose to get revenge by spending and shutting down, and you chose not to deal with the knowledge of the affair(s) and since you didn't get through them, it appears your desire is to keep everyone else in the family prisoner of the affairs, too Everyone is still stuck in the middle of the pain of them. And -in reality- you've *chosen* to make everyone stay there. And live *every day* there. Instead of working past it, and making a real, honest-to-God effort for *yourself* to get through it and beyond it, you seem to have decided everyone's fate. That's something that alot of folks think they have to have their mates present for: to provide assistance through the bullsh_t of the affair -but that's a pure lie- all you really *have* to *have* is hardheaded, hellbent, commitment to yourself and your future happy life to get through it. It sounds to me like you're using your husband's indiscretion to create general havoc on some other very, very important aspects of your life, too: racking up unnecessary debt. You can look at it as a kind of compensation if you choose, too -but I'm calling it what it is: just a childish response and an excuse to spend money that you probably, wanted to blow, all along (but didn't have the balls -or the proper excuse- to do it, until now.) Sorry if I sound harsh -but I call 'em like I see em. And you are doing more damage to your life, your marriage, and your children's future that any affair in itself could ever do. Straighten up and deal head-on with it; stuff like this just doesn't "go away" until you tackle it. -Rio
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