sungrl Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 My b/f sometimes give me the impression if i am around its ok and if im not thats ok too. For example--i noticed sometimes when he invites me to a family function he will mention me going and then say if i can't thats fine too..why cant he just say it would be nice if you came etc if not ill understand but its a little disappointing. One day on the weekend he uses that to do chores for family outside..lately i have been spending some time with him doing that stuff so we can actually have extra time together and he can get the things he needs done as well..we got into a discussion about missing each other and being there on the day he has chores and he says its fine if i am not there too. To me---he doesnt really know how to make a person feel needed and doesnt even seem to need me..it made me feel like well if you dont need me that day(and im not even talking about needing me to do the stuff--im saying needing like nice to spend extra time with the person) why would i spend my day off if you dont? this stuff isnt even for my family, its for his..and time after time, i just feel like if we saw each other once a week he would be fine with that and wouldnt such a big deal as it would be for me. Just need responses, i felt really alone when writing this. It feels almost embarrassing because im probably needy to him.
shadowofman Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 1 to 10, my wife is an 8 in the needy department. I've dated much worse. Don't be embarrassed about your "neediness". Accept it or if you don't like it, change it (though it would take more will than most people have)! Find a needier man (though you probably wouldn't be as attracted to him). I've only recently grown the nerve to say no to my wife. She didn't speak to me for three days (truely) when I told her that I had something to do for 8 hours on a Sat. and Sun. (a hobby that I concider work, though I don't get paid) I tickled me that she wasted more of our time together than my obligations in the first place.
shadowofman Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Or, if your boyfriend won't spend more time with you, ask him if you can have a second or third boyfriend to satisfy your needs. He'll either say yes or spend more time with you.
Author sungrl Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 is this really needy though to want to be invited without given the impression hey if you go, thats fine, if not thats fine too??..it makes me think well, this isnt my family, if i went it would be for you and if its fine im not there--then i wont go. Thats how it is starting to make me feel. I actually didnt think it was so needy..if anyone i was close to did that--i think it would start to annoy me..if its fine if i am not there and it doesnt bother you, then dont invite me.
ash519 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Alright, i dont intend the following to sound harsh, but i apologize in advance if it does. You need to relax girly!! My bf and I have been together for 2 years and he does the same thing..."I'd like you to come, but it is ok if you dont." The reason he says that is because it is ok if i dont. Whether i am there or not we are still in love and together and if this is going to be a long term relationship you have all this time and he realizes that. I see what Shadowman is saying, maybe if you want someone more "there" then you'll need to find someone new, but i think what your bf is doing and saying is very normal and this is you being way insecure. You need to try and let this stuff go. Go if you want, dont if you dont...base it on your decision, not how he asked you. I am sure he'd love you to be there but is just ok if not. You are a very sensitive and insecure person...i am, i am getting better with all of it though and realizing things. No more snooping and stop taking everything he says as if there is some deeper meaning. You'll be a lot happier if you loosen the grip and bit and focus on the good....not what MIGHT be wrong.
Enema Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 A great man once said, "If a woman can take something I have said the wrong way... she will" If anything, he says "it's ok if you don't" because he doesn't want you to feel pressured to come. Chillax.
Author sungrl Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 maybe with this situation it is better to say to each their own. Even reading the posts and seeing different opinions, i actually still feel the same..like i wouldnt say to the person as i invite them i have so and so on this day, you are invited but its ok if you dont come..i would actually wait to see if the person is available and if they arent i would say i understand, next time. I just dont agree with inviting someone this way, especially a girlfriend or family member. I dunno, that is just me i guess...
orangehose Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Hi sungrl, I can relate to some of what you're saying and I understand why it might be bothersome - it's bothersome because you feel like you need him and you need time with him more than he needs time with you, and that naturally bothers you a bit, and yet you feel ridiculous putting it into such terms, because you can't ASK someone to need you, can you? I often felt in a similar position with my first boyfriend - we just had widely different needs for one-on-one time. When he had free time, the first thing he wanted to do was go to a party or social gathering (with me in tow - unlike your boyfriend, he would guilt-trip me if I tried to get out of going to these things - so that's something to consider, being guilt-tripped isn't fun either). But the problem was, spending one-on-one time just wasn't important to him. I'm not saying this is true for your boyfriend, but perhaps it's something to negotiate over time, or maybe he can show you in other ways that he needs you in his life and that you're important to him.
squeak Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I recall having similar disagreements with my BF, over the wording. He may think he is being polite and considerate, maybe he thinks he does not want to impose on you. You interpret it as not a genuine invitation, or rude even, being given an out in the same sentence--the misunderstandings begin.... Speak to him, next time he says that just say "you don't have to add the part about I don't have to come along, it just sounds better if you leave it out--Thanks!!" and that is that. He may be a bit hurt or put off, as he thinks he is being polite, just nicely explain you can be trusted to be assertive and honest enough to decide for yourself... no need for the tag on lines. or "I know I don't HAVE to come, it's okay, you don't have to mention that-just the invitation is good" or whatever wording is your own. He may be like that with everyone, or be very considerate of not wanting to bore you, once you have been with someone for awhile you will see it is just their way of talking. Have you noticed he does that with friends when extending invites?? Once he stops adding that part, it will change how it sounds to you. People don't know what they sound like to others sometimes! Don't be inside your head about it, he has no idea what you are thinking and why you are reacting strangely. And so he will keep doing it, you will keep getting upset- just bring it out into communication.
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