Lucky555 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 So i need some input here. After a craze of emotions regarding a certain someone, who gave me his all in telling me that he is attracted to me and wants to go to the movies, dinner, he could treat me so well. ECT. i mean i wasnt looking for a relationship at all but it seems he wants to see me. However, as i have posted before 30, single, kid which is not living with him, he is a laborer type guy, and does weed. I see him using substance such as that as a way to escape, i mean the guy is probably paying child support and has to pay rent bills ect. He claims to be trying to buy a house. Now, I have a plan in life, like i envisioned myself living with a great career and a nice place ect. But what happens when love comes knocking at your door with these attachments? In some ways i think, well people make mistakes in their lives and now he is having to live his life like this, not a bad thing but still it happens cuz its life. Then sometimes i think ditch this dude because he has attachments, but i also feel for him as in like him back. From day one i liked him not knowing anything about him yet, and i took a chance to get to know him a little better. Should i get to know him better. I believe that he only smokes now and then and its something to work on if it begins to become something more. I will continue to see other people too. I don't want to make a mistake with this, what happens if hes the best thing for me? As I see this he does his thing i do mine, concerning money wise. what about our hearts? I still feel i need to know him more before making any jumps but i want to give him a chance. Its not like he has treated me badly or anything...Advise needed. I keep saying this is life and everyone is going to have something they are not proud of and its whether i could live with it or not. To me, if its the real thing then i am willing to try and if not then go our separate ways. please my heart is torn here, because i know this week he will want to know.
Steveto Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 There will be many decisions that you will have to make in life. Some you will regret, some will change your life entirely and some won't affect a damn thing. People are paid sick amounts of money to make deal making/breaking decisions in the millions and billions..THAT is pressure. So is this.....this is YOUR life. You have to take a step back and be selfish for a moment..As it stands now..will YOU be happy with this man...I don't know..The reason i say this is that I see that there are a few things you would like to change about him and if only he would do that, he would be perfect. Important Note: You can't change someone if they don't want to change This can take days months or a lifetime. Are you ready to commit to longer term only to realize he's not going to change. I mean he very well might. I am not even referring to the drug use, but you know that is one of the key things he needs to change in his life. No one is perfect either. I also have smoked pot..quite a bit actually..hehe..but I don't use it as an escape..once a year or something like that maybe and if my SO doesn't like it..I won't do it..It's that simple. I know you feel bad for him...but he has to figure it out himself...just..do you want to be there or not..are you ready for this type of life with him. If you see him actually take steps in his life to change things and follows through WITHOUT your intervention..I would give him a chance..but talk is cheap..you can talk till the cows come home, but if you don't see results...he's gotta do it on his own...you have to walk away.
norajane Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 If I understand correctly, you met a guy and like him, but he doesn't fit your life plan because: 1) he has a kid that does not live with him What specifically is your concern about the child? Whatever your concerns, the child is permanent and a part of his life, so you have to be able to accept him/her. 2) is a laborer Is your concern that his job does not meet your financial considerations, or that there are differences between you in interests or intellect or lifestyle? Any one of those could be a deal-breaker, depending on how great the distance is. All of them combined should tell you he's not right for you long term. However, if your concern is just that you never imagined falling in love with a blue collar guy, I'd say get to know him better. You might be surprised at the heart of gold beneath the blue collar. 3) he smokes weed Is it the illegality of it that troubles you? If that's the case, then he's not right for you. This will become a bigger issue the deeper you get involved. You mentioned he smokes as an escape...that's what a lot of people use alcohol for. If you are concerned about the money he spends on it...again, people spend lots of money on alcohol, especially if they are into the top shelf brands, or are wine connoisseurs. And what about you? You say you envision having a great career and a nice place. Do you have a career now? Are you saving for your own place? Get your own ducks in a row, and you won't need to depend on anyone to get what you want. Then, the man is the icing on your cake.
Author Lucky555 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for more insight on this ordeal. I know what i want in a guy just a good guy, no drugs, good job or pursing career just going somewhere with his life and treats me well. Thanks for pointing out the qualities of this guy that "I CANT CHANGE" You two are right, if he just got rid of the drugs and cigs, well he would be perfect for me. Money isn't my main concern regarding this.. i work and i am working on my career. I guess maybe i do feel bad for him and maybe i think i can help him, and thats my problem i have a hard time being selfish. So, what happens if this guy tells me he is willing to change these things about him, just hypothetically speaking? I am just trying to prepare myself for the response to him. What i found most admirable about this guy is how he treated me, it was that he stepped up and took a chance and we just got a long so well and there is chemistry. His kid, well that is a part of his life its probably number one, for him i actually don't mind this part because i am open minded. This was just casual and if it did become something more down the road I would accept this. Its just those two things that really bother me the most, drugs and cigs. So as i said, what if i say it wont work because of his lifestyle and he says that he is willing to drop those two things? Do i take a chance, just dating and getting to know eachother.
Steveto Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Like I said...talk is cheap. If you really think he's got waht it takes to change, then you tell him, straight up that you really are not comfortable with him smoking pot and tabacco. These two things need to be out of your life or this relationship won't go to its full potential. Tell him you won't be able to continue with him doing these activities and that if you do not see changes happening, you will be forced to make a decision and tell him that you don't think he will like the answer.
norajane Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Have you ever 'dropped' anything for someone else? How well did that work?
StartingOver07 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Have you ever 'dropped' anything for someone else? How well did that work? I think this can work sometimes. My husband smoked when we first got married. My children -- who adored him and whom he adored -- convinced him to stop. He's been quit for 10 years now.
norajane Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I think this can work sometimes. My husband smoked when we first got married. My children -- who adored him and whom he adored -- convinced him to stop. He's been quit for 10 years now. I don't think the kids convinced him - he wanted to quit to be there for them. In any case, my point was more about moderating her perspective to understand that going around demanding that people change so that you would date them is rarely a winning approach. And that it's very difficult to change habits and lifestyles like that, so unless he's been considering it and wants to, he's not likely to be able to just 'drop' it because she wants him to. And if she's never been asked to change something about herself just so a guy considers her dateable, then she won't quite understand how that comes across to the person hearing it...like, yeah, whatever, I'm not good enough for you as I am, no one's making you stay. It's not like he's deeply in love with her. She's just a woman he's been dating for a bit.
StartingOver07 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I don't think the kids convinced him - he wanted to quit to be there for them. Yes, I agree. But they planted the seed. In any case, my point was more about moderating her perspective to understand that going around demanding that people change so that you would date them is rarely a winning approach. And that it's very difficult to change habits and lifestyles like that, so unless he's been considering it and wants to, he's not likely to be able to just 'drop' it because she wants him to. I agree with this completely. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Lucky - If weed and cigarettes are all that is standing in the way of this guy being "perfect" for you (your description), I would think long and hard about how important these two vices are.
Author Lucky555 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 The guy did mention he wants to quit smoking and is trying to quit...I don't believe everything i hear though. He is going to be apply for a job where he has to be clean for the drug test. I am just beginning to know this guy, i know where my boundaries are and i am standing firm in my beliefs. He had invited me to go out with him last fri night and sunday at the beach with him and his friends. However, i declined because i had other things going on, it also gave me time to think about this instead of being caught up in the moment. I will be his friend, but if he pursues me as something more i will have to be honest with him, he was honest with me in the beginning so i should be too. It won't work if two people are not willing to be reasonable with eachother too. Thanks for helping everyone. Its a situation where both of us are getting close to eachother and he has communicated his feelings for me but i have said we were friends for now, but having him put him self on the line was a big step..i think there can be understanding here in some way or another. this helped me to sort my thoughts and come up with what it is i need to say to him.
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