M2ZND Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hello all! I have an issue with myself that has recently come to light as a problem that I have had for all of my adult life and I really could use some insight from others. First of all, a little background (I'll try to keep it to the point): I was raised by my Mom and my Stepdad. My biological father was seldom a part of my life. I can count on my digits the amount of times I have seen him. My stepdad was kind of cold and emotionally distant from me as I was growing up for the most part. If me having fond memories of moments when we shared a laugh mean anything its that they were far and few in between. Other than that, he was good to me. He was there for me. But in all honesty, I never felt that he loved me. I was married for 14 years, together for 18 with the father of my children. I left my husband because I didn't feel that he loved or respected me. I felt that we lacked companionship and we certainly lacked communication. 3 years forward: I have been in a relationship with someone for a little over 1 year whom I have a fantastic companionship with, when we communicate openly we do it very well, I know that this man loves me and the longer that we are together, I feel that he respects me and he definitely appreciates me. Let me also say that he makes it known to me that he thinks that I am the shiznit. Here is my problem...I think that I have a fear of abandonment. Having said that let me tell you what has pointed this out....I have this wonderful relationship with someone whom I truly feel is my best friend. This would be my boyfriend. Well, in the time that we have been dating we have fought quite often. The reasons for which we fight typically stem from some incidence regarding other women. Whether he's talking about the girl that he works with or his exes or he's checking out another chick or whatever. It's not that I feel that he is cheating on me. It's more like...I THINK he wants her. I THINK he wishes I was more like her. I THINK that I am not good enough. It's kind of like the things that I wish were different about myself are the things that I think my boyfriend wants or the things that I am not happy about in myself...my boyfriend isn't happy with either. It was the same thing with my husband. It's messed up! I generally have a good self-esteem (although I didn't always). I think that I am a good person, I am funny, I am pretty, I am sexy, I am intelligent, I'm a good Mom, I'm a good partner, I have stuff going on. But, when it comes to love...I THINK I am inadequate. I don't get it! This train of thought I believe caused the distance in my relationship with my ex and ultimately the divorce. It is also causing a problem in my current relationship. My marriage was very important to me. So is my current relationship. I don't want to do this anymore? Any thoughts anybody?
Author M2ZND Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Is it possible that I am testing the men in my life to see how much they truly love me? My boyfriend says that he cannot take the accusations anymore. My ex never really communicated so therefore, I don't know what his take is on it. Also, I cannot leave out a VERY important factor....I cheated once on my husband 1/2 way through our marriage. I had a one night stand with someone who always made me feel good, made me feel attractive, made me feel adequate. I confessed to my husband and he chose to forgive me. For reasons that I feel are very different, I cheated on my boyfriend too. I really don't think that they are related but I don't want to close my mind to the idea anyway. I believe I cheated on him because I was trying to end our relationship due to our constant fighting (and for awhile it was constant). Although I didn't want it, I really think that I was trying to force the end, per se. My boyfriend is the most honest man I know and unlike my ex-husband (whom I care about) has the balls to put me in my place. If it wasn't for him, I would never have learned this about myself. Obviously, he loves me or else why the heck would he bother? I care enough...not only for him, our relationship or whatever but for myself as well. I want to put a stop to my stupid pattern!!!
doiask42much Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Gosh, if you figure it out, please share the secret with me! I have many of the same neuroses. I keep hearing that it's my childhood but I have no idea what to do about it, really. I've been to three shrinks and none of them were really any help. Have you tried therapy? I am not saying it can't or won't work, as maybe I just had bunk therapists or was not committed enough to the idea. I think it's definitely worth a shot. Does your bf know if your infidelity? How do you feel about it?
doiask42much Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 A lot of the self-helpish stuff that I have heard or read seems to say that you need to feel good about yourself and not depend on others to feel worthwhile or, in this case, lovable. Hard to know exactly how to do that, eh? One shrink of mine's approach to this was to find hobbies or a career that you love, personally fulfilling things rather than externally fulfilling things that depend on other people, like sex. It sounds like you are happy with every other aspect of your life though? Is there some way to mend things with your two dads?
Author M2ZND Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Gosh, if you figure it out, please share the secret with me! I have many of the same neuroses. I keep hearing that it's my childhood but I have no idea what to do about it, really. I've been to three shrinks and none of them were really any help. Have you tried therapy? I am not saying it can't or won't work, as maybe I just had bunk therapists or was not committed enough to the idea. I think it's definitely worth a shot. Does your bf know if your infidelity? How do you feel about it? I think that my biological father and my dad definitely play a role in it somehow. I never thought it bothered me that my real dad was so illusive but maybe I have some deep rooted feelings of not being lovable as a result. My stepdad complained about me alot. As far as my boyfriend knowing of my infidelity, yes...he knows about both of them. The thing is that I am deeply committed to my relationship as I was with my marriage.
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