SouthernT Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I wanted to get everybody's opinion of the early warning signs of controlling behavior. I am asking because I came across an article were a reader shared a story EXACTLY like the guy that I've been dealing with. (I'm sure everybody remembers him). But in this woman's story, the guy she was dating: 1) only took her out every 4 weeks or so. 2) Would never answer or return her phone calls, but when she did the same to him, he would questions her. 3) Whenever he DID call, he kept the conversations very short. 4) When she would ask him to go do something that she was interested in, he would always say no but would respond with something HE wanted to do. 5) The advice to this particular woman was that she be aware of the fact that situations like that, once a relationship takes place, the guy would turn controlling and possesive VERY quickly. 6) And the woman who asked the question also had a difficult time trying to decipher whether or not the guy was just a player or if he was really into her. The advice columnist advised that this particular guy had a controlling personality. My guy has been doing the EXACT same things for months now, but we are still not in a relationship. And he will jokingly say things like "oh, so you're just going to text other guys while your with me?" or "Oh, so you're going to talk to other guys while your in my presence? " And this is nothing major...but I just thought it was weird....we went out about two weeks ago and towards to end of the night he held my wrist for a while. Not my HAND but my wrist. Again, that may not be anything major, but I just thought it was kind of different I guess. So to every out there, what early signs on controlling behavior were you able to pick up on now that you look back at the situation?
dbtmarley Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You may also want to see an example in this link I provided. This guy likes his women submissive. His dream girl would be an oriental and not able to speak a lick of English. See link below: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122991/
Touche Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 My ex-husband was extremely domineering and controlling. The early signs were, as stated, extreme jealousy and possessiveness (sp?). Also, in my case, very argumentative. Shot down any thought I pretty much had that differed from his own. Also, VERY, very critical...a perfectionist to a ridiculous degree. He also had trouble controlling his anger. Those were my early signs that I totally ignored. One more I just thought of. Very verbally abusive when we did argue. Called me names, etc.
jcster Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 My guy has been doing the EXACT same things for months now, but we are still not in a relationship. And he will jokingly say things like "oh, so you're just going to text other guys while your with me?" or "Oh, so you're going to talk to other guys while your in my presence? " And this is nothing major...but I just thought it was weird....we went out about two weeks ago and towards to end of the night he held my wrist for a while. Not my HAND but my wrist. Again, that may not be anything major, but I just thought it was kind of different I guess. Your gut knows what your head requires more "evidence" for. You're right, it is weird. In my opinion, it's also an indication that he could be abusive. There are several warning signs here - and most guys start out in a joking manner until your relationship becomes more serious, and then the joking is over. Warning sign #1 is the jealousy, especially about such innocent interactions as texting or talking - #2 is grabbing you by the wrist. Potential abusers often like to exert physical control over their partners in a "joking" manner (holding you down while playing around/sex - holding you so you can't get away in social settings.) Your alarm bells are already ringing - I wouldn't wait around for the next set of criteria to be met. Listen to your gut.
Author SouthernT Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 There is just such a fine line between stuff like this. And this is typical behavior that would make a woman call a guy a "Player" Below is the entire article that I read that got me to thinking about this.... http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/ask_rob/warning-signs-he-will-control-you.htm
jcster Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Players are also all about control. Most of them have found a stock set of behaviors that will make it more likely that a woman will sleep with them. Once they've achieved that goal, they must maintain control so that the woman doesn't expect any more from them. If a woman doesn't accept the arrangement, then the "relationship" is over. Either way - you lose. I would drop this guy like a red-hot potato.
Author SouthernT Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Does anybody else have anything to add to this? It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Are you damned if you do and damned if you don't? If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn. If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway. If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy. If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful. If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over. If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you. If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut. If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad. When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him. If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it. If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him, If you don't, he says you don't trust him. If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching. If he brings up a problem, he yells. If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted". If he breaks it, it's because "he had to". If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you. If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.
halfarock Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I once spent a few years with a woman who turned out to be very controlling in an abusive manner. At first she was nice enough and all but over time things changed. I guess the warning sign and the one characteristic that remained constant with her was that she always encouraged me not to hang out with my friends or family, she did her best to drive them away. And she was always so very jealous. At first I excused her behavior thinking it was because of her insecurities, but towards the end I just realized that she was a manipulative monster.
LoveLace Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 The wrist thing really stood out for me. That's a bit creepy to me...that is not intimate or loving...that sounds very possessive, as if to have you in shackles like a prisoner...people don't normally show affection that way.
Author SouthernT Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 The wrist thing really stood out for me. That's a bit creepy to me...that is not intimate or loving...that sounds very possessive, as if to have you in shackles like a prisoner...people don't normally show affection that way. yeah been trying not to make a big ordeal over him holding my wrist. It's not that it bothered me, I just thought it was "different". But then again maybe it should bother me?? I don't know....
Author SouthernT Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 The wrist thing really stood out for me. That's a bit creepy to me...that is not intimate or loving...that sounds very possessive, as if to have you in shackles like a prisoner...people don't normally show affection that way. yeah been trying not to make a big ordeal over him holding my wrist. It's not that it bothered me, I just thought it was "different". But then again maybe it should bother me?? I don't know.... And I still havent been intimate with this guy yet. This whole thing has been going on for 8 months now. But he did finally try to kiss me that night. But I was getting over a sinus infection and I didnt really feel comfortable kissing him because of that.
jcster Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 8 months and no action? And you don't kiss regularly? Why are you going out with this guy? Are you even interested in each other? It seems like a lot of trouble to go through for not getting much out of it.
LoveLace Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Sounds like he's shy about intimacy, but not about taking control over you. Is he inexperienced with women/relationships? That might explain his acting so insecure about dating you. Maybe the wrist thing was just a more casual form of holding hands for him...still weird though..
nittygritty Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Withholding is a sign of a controller. Withholding sex, conversation (the silent treatment), affection, etc.
marlena Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 The wrist thing really stood out for me. That's a bit creepy to me...that is not intimate or loving...that sounds very possessive, as if to have you in shackles like a prisoner...people don't normally show affection that way. Oh, yes, a definite giveaway, have no doubt! When I was in college, I dated a guy who did just that. We'd be walking down the street and he would hold my wrist in a tight grasp! One day, we were at his house with two other friends and he locked me up in his bedroom. It took a lot of convincing on my friends' part to let me out! He would say things like we have to get married because my family knows about you. I totally spooked out and needless to say never ever say this person again! I was smarter then than I am now, lol!!!
marlena Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 8 months and no action? And you don't kiss regularly? Why are you going out with this guy? Are you even interested in each other? It seems like a lot of trouble to go through for not getting much out of it. I agree! This guy sounds like he has major psychological issues! I don't usually like to tell people what to do as I feel they have to figure it out by themselves- but PLEASE give this some scrutinizing thought!
cutegirl Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Sounds kind of weird and scary to me. I would stay away...
Chinook Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I wish I'd seen this thread seven months ago. My relationship just ended (he finally walked away) but not without alot of pain - mainly because I wouldn't bend to his controlling behaviour. Thing is, if I'd seen it earlier I could have avoided it. Best 7 months than 7 years though.
Author SouthernT Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 8 months and no action? And you don't kiss regularly? Why are you going out with this guy? Are you even interested in each other? It seems like a lot of trouble to go through for not getting much out of it. I'm absolutley CRAZY about him. And he has expressed to me that he likes me as well and he has said that he has a lot of respect for me. Withholding is a sign of a controller. Withholding sex, conversation (the silent treatment), affection, etc. He's not withholding sex. He actually asked me to come inside that same night. But it was around 2 a.m. by the time the night ended and I didnt go in because: 1) it was late 2) I had church the next day. And I don't allow anything to interfere with that. 3) I don't feel like he and I have spent enough time together for me to feel comfortable with taking things to a sexual level. I mean yeah, we've known eachother for 8 months now but we see eachother, on average, once a month and some online chatting here and there. So I feel like things are too obsure right now for me to give him my body. But after I told him it was to late to come and I had church the next morning. He asked me if I trusted him and I said yes. He gave me a real tight hug and just said "ok, goodnight baby". So he was a gentleman about it. But my thing is that I feel like we are still in the "talking" stage of dating. I dont even feel like we are dating really?? Am I making sense?
Author SouthernT Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 This is a recap of my history with this guy..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116309/
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 The question should be, what are you willing to put up with? While so many people say that others are controlling, you can only be controlled if you allow it. Where are your boundaries and which boundaries are strong enough to withstand an onslaught? Are you prepared to walk away if what you consider abusive behaviour impinges on those hard boundaries? Remember, you may not control him but you can control yourself. It takes two to play mind games.
jcster Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 After reading this and your previous thread, I have to say that something doesn't seem quite right to me. I definitely think he's controlling a lot of aspects of your relationship - but I wonder whether it's because he's a controlling person, or seeing you on the side, or both. Either way - it doesn't sound to me like he's interested in having an intimate, committed relationship with you. He's calling the shots and you are complying, and this works for him right now - if you were to make more demands of him - he'll probably disappear. Eight months of sporadic dating isn't "going slow" it's disinterest. I really think you are wasting your time with this guy.
Author SouthernT Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 After reading this and your previous thread, I have to say that something doesn't seem quite right to me. I definitely think he's controlling a lot of aspects of your relationship - but I wonder whether it's because he's a controlling person, or seeing you on the side, or both. Either way - it doesn't sound to me like he's interested in having an intimate, committed relationship with you. He's calling the shots and you are complying, and this works for him right now - if you were to make more demands of him - he'll probably disappear. Eight months of sporadic dating isn't "going slow" it's disinterest. I really think you are wasting your time with this guy. Well I definatley know that he is enjoying being single right now after his break up with his girlfriend that happened right before I met him. We are not in a commited relationship which is exactly why I have not allowed the sex to happen. I guess he's dating in general right now and I just one of the girls he calls up when he feels like it. I'm thinking that I need to stop all together with this guy. I just dont know. Part of me thinks his intentions are genuine (why would he bother to continue to come back everytime?) and part of me thinks that he's going to play the game until I give in sexually. (8 months is a long time to play the game if all he wants is sex) I am continuously going back and forth about his intentions. One day I can wake up and I feel like he likes me and the next day I wake up, I tell myself he's just playing games. I wouldnt bother with him if I wasnt crazy about him. And I know that I am open to dating other guys as well, I just havent met anybody else yet.
PinkAngelStar Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 I have been in an abusive relationship with a very jealous and possessive guy. He would put on a show to everyone else how well he treated me but the things he said to me hurt me mentally. The early signs with him I guess were extreme jealousy, I just thought it would die down, but it got worse. He would want me to call him all the time, if I hadn't called, it would be text after text of threatening me, sometimes I just missed his call. I felt trapped, and scared. He also tried to draw me away from my friends by telling me they bitched about me, so I'd feel like I had no one but him. I didn't realise this at the time, but standing out the situation, it made me realise. It was the worst part of my life. He controlled me, every move and where I went, and who I was friends with.
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