Should I talk to her?

[annabelle75]

Well, why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel? Dang. No sympathy at all for the poor woman about to lose all that she HELPED him earn whether directly or indirectly (if he's even planning on leaving in reality).

 

I don't think a woman counting on her husband to care for her is any less grown up than the woman that is waiting around for a man to leave his spouse for her (or even to admit to the reality of her).

 

If I were to D, I expect spousal support AND child support. And I would get it too. Everything that "we" have *I* helped to get it AND maintain it (regardless of the level of income I was bringing in). I'll be da.mned if he's going to walk away and leave me in the lurch. My H would be da.mned if he thought he was going to do that to me.

 

this post pretty much sums up a pretty flawed way of thinking that i think is one of the reasons marriages are so unhealthy these days

 

I'm not going to even bother trying to debate you on this because I honestly don't think you would understand what I am saying.

[annabelle75]

Yes, and she is the one who raised the kids. Kept the house going, created a life with her husband. Whoever said that the wife should get nothing is crazy! Come on. And especially if a couple decide before having children that one parent, and in this case, is the mom, will stay home and raise the kids - You can't expect someone to just UP and get a job after not working for 19+ years! She deserves spousal support. Why wouldn't she? She is about to lose possibly, everything in her life, including her husband. Also, MANY women STILL get spousal support even if they work. Whoever makes more $$ ends up paying. I know two women who pay their ex's spousal support.

 

that is a whole lot of assumptions going on up there.

 

who says the wife gets nothing? everything she be split 50/50 from the time the marriage began to the date that it ended. but from that point on both parties need to support themselves.

[IWALH]

You sound eerily similar to myself.

 

As for talking to the wife, I say don't do it. Because then she becomes a person with feelings rather than the person he portrays her to be. And you might even become friendly with each other, which is the worst. Because if you really are head over heels and can't keep yourself away from him then what you are doing to her and her family will torment you in the worst possible way. Plus your MM very well might start blaming you for talking to her and ruining his "plan," that is, if he is anything like mine.

 

Here's my advice: Get away while you can... before it's too late and he and the love you have for him take complete control of your heart, head, life and entire well-being....

[NoIDidn't]

this post pretty much sums up a pretty flawed way of thinking that i think is one of the reasons marriages are so unhealthy these days

 

I'm not going to even bother trying to debate you on this because I honestly don't think you would understand what I am saying.

 

Thanks for not debating me on it. But no thanks for the condescending "I don't think you would understand what I am saying".

 

My thoughts and thinking are for me and my marriage. I wouldn't expect anyone else to understand that. I won't go into it too much but I was the top earner in my family before became a SAHM. I expect back exactly what I gave to get us to where we are today. Its unfortunate that you view that as unhealthy.

 

Spousal support does not allow a D'd W to live the same way that she did before the D, mind you. But it does give her the opportunity to transition to taking care of herself in the absence of her H's income. Kind of like life insurance in the event of a death of a spouse.

 

I don't see anything unhealthy about it. M is about so much more than just love and happiness. In a D, couples split income as well as debt. I think its a sad commentary that a W is expect to take the debt (mortgage), but not a portion of the income as well.

[annabelle75]

 

I don't see anything unhealthy about it. M is about so much more than just love and happiness. In a D, couples split income as well as debt. I think its a sad commentary that a W is expect to take the debt (mortgage), but not a portion of the income as well.

 

This is where what you say makes no sense to me what-so-ever. When people divorce everything gets split 50/50. If one spouse wants to stay in the house and the other agrees to it, then that spouse has to pay off half the equity to the spouse that does not keep it. That is the reason that in most cases they sell the house and split the profit. In no situation would a court just give one spouse the house unless it was an even trade offset by other assets.

 

Why would anyone choose to live in a house they cannot afford? Why should the ex-spouse be liable to give that spouse money so they can continue living there. Sell the house and live some where you can afford.

[whichwayisup]

It depends on how old the children are, and how much their lives will be disrupted. Alot of couples keep the house until the kids are old enough.

[Lizzie60]

You know something Kchiapet you are going to get all kinds of response because people seem to think they hold the "crystal ball" to your life telling you, "this will never happen and that will never happen", but the bottom line is only YOU know your situation and only destiny knows if something will happen or not. So rather than trying to figure out something that you have no control over, ie. your destiny, why don't you take care of yourself.

 

By that I mean, if you feel you have to stay in contact with your MM until you can cut all ties then do so but I would strongly recommend quitting the A if I were you. If you want to know how this man really feels about you and if you want to know if he is stringing you along or not, tell him outright that you are no longer his other woman that if he wants you in any shape way or form that he should move on from his marriage and become a free man and that until then you can no longer be a part of his life. If he wants to be with you then he will find away. That is really the only way to know what he will do.

 

If she told you "don't you know he has a mortgage?" it would definitely appear that the finances is her main concern. What a lame thing to say!

 

Please do not refer to me as "the new and improved model". I am a human being, not an upgradeable computer.

 

 

And good for you on standing your ground on not being insulted by other posters, you are indeed a human being with feelings! Now use that same assertiveness to get what you want from this man, and that is THE TRUTH. Stand your ground and let him know that you are not to be toyed with, if he wants you tell him to come for you 100% none of this 50% business.

 

PS I speak from experience as an OW the only way to know the truth is to back right off.

 

Great post!

[annabelle75]

It depends on how old the children are, and how much their lives will be disrupted. Alot of couples keep the house until the kids are old enough.

 

Yes, but that is an agreed upon choice that is usually work out either in repsect to the terms I previously stated or the spouse no longer living in the house still keeps 1/2 the equity of the home as an asset.

 

The only case where one spouse keeps the home along with mortgage and equity is if one party buys out the other either by cash or exchange of assets. And in that case if the party that chooses to keep the home cannot afford to maintain it, that is there problem. They can choose to sell the house if they can't afford the payments.

 

Many states have now become "no fault" states for divorces. It doesn't matter who is at fault (who chaeted on who or whatever). Everything is split 50/50 and spousal support is not an issue. As a divorcee and member of the legal profession, I support "no fault" divorces on principle.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat...

 

Thank you. I think that is the best answer I have received. I guess I just wanted to see what others thought. It's difficult. I realize that I won't garner much sympathy, and I'm not exactly asking for it. But I am wondering what to do, what others would do in my situation. But you are right. I am the only one who knows my situation.

 

This is why I was trying to ask, from people like me, what they thought, because it is difficult to answer unless you've been in the situation. At least I think so.

 

Unfortunately, I can't seem to end it. The best I came up with...we argued this weekend, and I told him I was done with him, and then we talked, we cried, and I told him that one of my friends asked me out (it isn't really a date, it's just like a fun thing, a whole bunch of people are going) and I was going, because I couldn't put my life on hold for him. He told me that he loved me, and he didn't want to share me, but he knew he was being selfish, because he is married. I think that is the best I can do for now, but I can't cut him out of my life completely. I love him.

 

 

I understand what you are saying it is a very tough decision to make but you need to weigh out what you want more, do you want what you have right now or do you want more?

 

Let me ask you: what do you think you should do? What do you feel like you need to do today to change the outcome of how badly you are feeling? And most importantly what is your biggest concern regarding the situation you are in? Are you afraid of losing this man or are you more afraid that he is not being honest with you? Or are you afraid that his W might come after you? All of the above....?

 

As per his being jealous of your plans outside of him that is TYPICAL of what these men are about, they gain a sudden sense of "ownership"over you and expect you to hang on for them and to put your life on hold waiting for their decisions. In my situation my guy was living on his own and we were not having an A in the typical sense, his W didn't know he was dating me but he was still married to her and he wouldn't tell her we were together. But the couple times we broke up because his W found out and he wanted to go back and work on the marriage he would make it clear that he did not want me to move on. He is currently back with his W we are well done the rel. it ended months ago and he STILL contacts me every so many weeks to ensure I am still hanging on. This is typical behaviour of these types of guys, they just cannot let go they don't know what they want but they certainly want us to hang on.

In my case I stopped hanging a long time ago...he knows this and it makes him even more crazy.

 

The reality in my situation and I can ONLY speak from my personal experience is that in his fantasy world he would expect me to put my life on hold for him while he decides what he wants to do. You see we are the culprits in creating the monster that they become, so you must own up to why your guy expects this from you. At some point we made it known to them that we WOULD wait, that we were so inlove with them we would sacrifice certain things about our own standards and integrity to wait for them because of the love we felt for them. So later when they find resistance on our parts they cannot accept that change. But if you put your foot down and let him know that you do love him, that you do want to be with him but that you will not allow his lack of decision to interfere with the natural progress of your own life, then you become in control of your own situation. It is as simple as that. I never made it "easy"for my ex, I told him if you want to be with me I will not be the OW, you must be moved out and a free man to date me I will not be anyone's dirty secret. Well he did just that, I had cut all contact with him and after months he contacted me to tell me he was living on his own and was ready for divorce, it was only then that I decided to date him and we engaged full on in our rel. before that there was only an emotional tie. You can be in this type of situation but that doesn't mean you must play the way they want it, the less you stand up for what you are worth the less he will be able to see it.

 

And personally I think you should MOST definitely go out through your other plans, please please do not put your life on hold, you are young and you should be out doing things not waiting around for some guy who doesn't know whether he is coming or going. And I understand that you love him and it's hard but you must love yourself more if you expect this man to ever see your for what you are worth.

 

He can take all he wants to decide what he needs to regarding his marriage but he if he knows you are hanging on the sidelines waiting for his decision he has no real sense of urgency to take any sort of action. BUT taking action may not mean what you want it to mean. Taking action for him might mean saying goodbye to your rel. and redircting his entire focus onto his marriage. You MUST be prepared for either outcome, that's why when people tell you "walk away it's wrong end it right now and don't look back" while that may be the right advice to give, unless you are fully aware that the outcome could turn "against" you, then walking away will not work for you.

 

So the only indicator of what you should do is how painful the situation has become for you, if being the OW has become more pain than it is pleasure the answer is right under your nose. The bottom line is you have to be prepared to lose, to win. And let me tell you it will only get worse down the line. The discomfort doesn't stop it grows. But again this is something you need to discover on your own I suppose...

 

One last thing, remember this: as you are there for him be it emotionally or physically or as a friend, you are filling the void he feels he is lacking at home and you are basically making his life 100% fulfilled, because he has the comfort of his homelife because for whatever reason he still gets something out of his home life, plus he has you to fill in the voids. You cannot make it any more convenient for him, just think in those terms when you feel like you can't let go. The easier you make it for him the easier it will be for him to string you along.

[Havn_a_life]

Must have been an irratic comment on the BS's part, she got on the phone and blurted out whatever came to mind.

 

When a BW finds out things this BW has found out she's reasonably irratic. I can empathise.

Being a FBW, I can see no humor in the woman telling the OW what should be obvious to the OW.

It's sad and I feel for the BW.

[Seen_It_All]

I am 24 years old and unmarried. My boyfriend, the MM (from glancing at others' posts, I guess I'll use the lingo) is 42.

Sorry, gross. You're an ego stroke for an over 40 guy having a mid-life crisis. What better testament to his manliness and virility than a 24 year old girl swooning all over him?

 

...his wife found my number in his cell phone. She called me several times that morning. She left me a few messages, like, "I don't know you, but I know you're having some sort of affair with my husband. Don't you know he has children, and a mortgage?" At that point, he told her that I was "nobody", which really hurt.

So your statement that she 'chooses to look the other way' isn't correct, is it? She obviously doesn't trust the guy and found your number, called you to let you know he's married with responsibility, and then he told her you were a big, fat NOTHING. So where, exactly, is SHE hiding her head in the sand? Sounds to me as though the MASTER LIAR has managed to once again dupe his wife. Come on, surely you don't think you're the FIRST one he's played with on the side, do you? That's quite the PRIZE you've got there. Does he have a brother just like him? Hook a gal up, will ya?

 

He siad he was just buying time, because he didn't know what to do...

LOL - he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Keeping his young affair partner on the side while he lies to his wife and kids, over and over and over, day in and day out. Oh, and to you too. But those lies have kept you hanging on for months now, so it's working.

 

I am confused. I wonder if he will really leave her, if the situation is really what he says it is.

99% of the time the situation is NOT as these liar/cheaters present it. After all, WOULD you hang around and continue letting him have his fun with you if he told you that he's not going ANYWHERE, that sex with his wife is somewhat boring after 20 years together, and that he just wants the excitement of dipping his wick in the Fountain of Youth? That's what you ARE to him, a total ego stroke and a chance for some exciting and different sex with a young girl. So, would you stay if you knew that was probably more than likely the truth? Of course you wouldn't. He's not STUPID. He may be a lying, cheating manipulator, but he ain't stupid.

 

I would like to talk to her, and I am not sure why.

Oh, I wish you WOULD talk to her. I highly encourage you to do so. I bet you'd hear a totally different story than the one Romeo's been feeding you.

 

....even though they aren't intimate (at least, that's what he says, and I do believe him).

You've very young and naive which is sweet, but guys like this PREY on that. Has he tried that old story on you about him sleeping in the guest room yet? I imagine that will come.

 

I also have to be mindful of ruining his life.

Oh, he's doing a REAL good job of that all by himself.

 

I love this man, and I believe he loves me. Please, help.

What an absolute crying shame to see a young lady, just starting her life, allowing some lech twice her age to use her for sex while spoonfeeding her ridiculous lies. They don't teach you this stuff in college, I guess you'll have to learn the hard way.

[kchiapet95]

So I had to laugh when someone said he was "dipping his wick into my Fountain of Youth." I guess that was supposed to be an insult, but it just struck me as funny.

 

Someone had a good point about her becoming a person with feelings. As harsh as that sounds, it is better for her to be unknown. I struggle with it enough, and if I actually talk to her, it might mess me up more.

 

Let me ask you: what do you think you should do? What do you feel like you need to do today to change the outcome of how badly you are feeling? And most importantly what is your biggest concern regarding the situation you are in? Are you afraid of losing this man or are you more afraid that he is not being honest with you? Or are you afraid that his W might come after you? All of the above....?

 

What do I think I should do? I don't know. Some days, I feel like I should just end it. I feel that if he really loves me, he will leave her and do what he needs to do in order to be with me. Other times, I realize how unfair that line of thought is, that it isn't that easy to just drop everything and be with me. He has said several times that he wishes he never went back 3 years ago, because then this wouldn't be an issue. But he wanted to try one last time, to work it out, and he didn't want to be away from his children at such a crucial stage in their life. He said that out of the 15 years they've been married, they've really only been married for 6, because he's left for years at a time.

 

I definitely wonder about his honesty at times. He's cheating on his wife, so there it is right there, right? But I know it isn't that simple. Last night he told me how much he missed me and how I'm so special to him and so important to him, and he knows I don't deserve any of this. I'm just thinking out loud right now, none of this is very rational. I'm not afraid his wife will come after me, because she lives probably 80 or so miles from me. She doesn't know who I am or where I live, at least I don't think she does. She does, however, have my cell phone number, and I suppose if she put enough effort into it, she could trace it.

 

I don't think I'm any better than her or anything. Sure, he says I'm beautiful and all, but she cooks his dinners and she's raised his children, and I don't do that and I haven't done that, so I'm not thinking I'm hot stuff or anything, snatching him away from her. It's not like that at all. It's not even really about her, for me. I just want to be with him. I'm crazy about him. He makes me happy, and when it's just me and him, I can't describe it.

 

Today is one of those days when I am crazy about him and I wish we could be together right now. Yesterday was a day where I was torn about what to do. As of right now, I don't think it's a good idea to contact her. But if she calls me again, I will speak to her. I won't hide.

[IWALH]

As of right now, I don't think it's a good idea to contact her. But if she calls me again, I will speak to her. I won't hide.

 

It will never be a good idea to speak to her unless you just want to hurt yourself even more. SHE WILL become more to you than just "his poor wife." You WILL be tormented for what you are doing to her and her family if you talk to her and she is a nice (or fairly nice) person and you have a conscience. You will. Mark my words. Try as hard as you can to not tell her anything unless you never want to have anything to do with your MM again and are done with it all. Seriously.

[serial muse]

It will never be a good idea to speak to her unless you just want to hurt yourself even more. SHE WILL become more to you than just "his poor wife." You WILL be tormented for what you are doing to her and her family if you talk to her and she is a nice (or fairly nice) person and you have a conscience. You will. Mark my words. Try as hard as you can to not tell her anything unless you never want to have anything to do with your MM again and are done with it all. Seriously.

 

You guys...don't you see anything wrong with this point of view, though? If you have to close off a part of your mind, pretend another person isn't real or characterize her as a bxtch or a money-grubbing wench in order to feel okay with what's going on...I mean, think about it. Is that how you really want to live your life?

 

The point is, if you feel like that's what you need to do, then all it means is that your conscience is pricking at you, and you're ignoring it. And that's how so many OW end up feeling frustrated and lost on here. They're at war with themselves, and have had to shut down a part of themselves in order to make it through each day. And when the affair ends, it seems that many exOW come back here to tell their stories, and they seem much freer and at peace with themselves. They're able to unite their hearts and minds again. That's not a coincidence, you know?

 

No one should condemn themselves to living a half-life.

 

One other point - I read the BS saying that about the mortgage as basically saying the first things that came into her head to try to "remind" the OP that the MM is a family man, has a life outside of her, etc. etc. I don't think the "mortgage" thing was about the money at all - it's about his having put down roots somewhere else.

[kchiapet95]

This is a good point. Maybe she was trying to remind me he had put roots down elsewhere.

 

Nonetheless, I don't think it's a good idea to contact her and disrupt it...if she hasn't contacted me, maybe there's a reason for that. I'm leaving it alone. I'm too scared, anyway.