kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 This is a bit long, but I wanted to give some background to the story. I am 24 years old and unmarried. My boyfriend, the MM (from glancing at others' posts, I guess I'll use the lingo) is 42. He has been married for 15 years. He has children ages 19 and 16. We met while working together. We knew each other for about a year before starting to date. A lot has happened in our 4-month relationship. About a month and a half ago, his wife found my number in his cell phone. She called me several times that morning. She left me a few messages, like, "I don't know you, but I know you're having some sort of affair with my husband. Don't you know he has children, and a mortgage?" At that point, he told her that I was "nobody", which really hurt. He siad he was just buying time, because he didn't know what to do...he didn't want her knowing about me. In his state, adultery constitutes grounds for divorce, and it would affect the spousal support. From what he tells me, and from what I can discern, her main concern, and his, is for the house. They have an expensive mortgage, and she makes a lot less money than him. She would never make it on her own, and he would have a difficult time as well. He doesn't want to give up the house, or at least that is what he tells me, and he doesn't want to hurt his children, because he has left home several times before, and they felt abandoned. I am confused. I wonder if he will really leave her, if the situation is really what he says it is. I would like to talk to her, and I am not sure why. Some of my friends say that she has the right to know, even though they aren't intimate (at least, that's what he says, and I do believe him). I feel that she does, but I also have to be mindful of ruining his life. If I talk to her, it will confirm once and for all that we are having an affair. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused, and I don't know where to turn. I love this man, and I believe he loves me. Please, help.
oavada Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Hes absolutely destroyed his marriage and family because of you... So, hes gonna end up divorcing her probably and its possible he could end up with you afterwards... but he'll lose a lot of his assets and wealth and stuff to her no doubt..from your position tho if you like this guy, wait it out, and after the divorce you can be with him. He'll probably marry you if he likes you.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 I can't really be sure that he will leave her. Clearly, she knows about me, but chooses to look the other way for whatever reason. With that arrangement, how can I be sure he would leave? I do like him, and I more than like him, I love him. But my real question was, should I talk to her about it? I assume you are saying no to that, right?
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 This is a bit long, but I wanted to give some background to the story. I am 24 years old and unmarried. My boyfriend, the MM (from glancing at others' posts, I guess I'll use the lingo) is 42. He has been married for 15 years. He has children ages 19 and 16. We met while working together. We knew each other for about a year before starting to date. A lot has happened in our 4-month relationship. About a month and a half ago, his wife found my number in his cell phone. She called me several times that morning. She left me a few messages, like, "I don't know you, but I know you're having some sort of affair with my husband. Don't you know he has children, and a mortgage?" At that point, he told her that I was "nobody", which really hurt. He siad he was just buying time, because he didn't know what to do...he didn't want her knowing about me. In his state, adultery constitutes grounds for divorce, and it would affect the spousal support. From what he tells me, and from what I can discern, her main concern, and his, is for the house. They have an expensive mortgage, and she makes a lot less money than him. She would never make it on her own, and he would have a difficult time as well. He doesn't want to give up the house, or at least that is what he tells me, and he doesn't want to hurt his children, because he has left home several times before, and they felt abandoned. I am confused. I wonder if he will really leave her, if the situation is really what he says it is. I would like to talk to her, and I am not sure why. Some of my friends say that she has the right to know, even though they aren't intimate (at least, that's what he says, and I do believe him). I feel that she does, but I also have to be mindful of ruining his life. If I talk to her, it will confirm once and for all that we are having an affair. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused, and I don't know where to turn. I love this man, and I believe he loves me. Please, help. Yes, he may care for you but he cares about himself much more. And you only know what he is telling you - What he wants you to know. I'm betting things are not half as bad as he makes it out to be. That is why he told his wife you were nobody. See how easily he can just sweep you under the rug? Im' sure he made you feel special and loved, but hey, so did/does his wife...They have children together, created a family! I can't really be sure that he will leave her. Clearly, she knows about me, but chooses to look the other way for whatever reason. With that arrangement, how can I be sure he would leave? I do like him, and I more than like him, I love him. But my real question was, should I talk to her about it? I assume you are saying no to that, right? She's chosen to look the other way because chances are, he's downplayed it all. Making YOU out to be the one chasing him. You are the one who has a crush and maybe he even admitted crossing the lines with you...BUT, when it comes right down to it, he will turn it all around on you, so you will be the bad guy. Not him. Remember, this man has been lying to his wife, betraying his whole family, so chances are, he's lied to you too. I bet he's told you they don't have sex, he can't talk to her like he can to you....Go read some other threads in this section so you can see that your situation isn't much different than the OW here. This man isn't going to give up his life. His wife, house, kids, family, friends...They have a history together.... You're so young, he's 42, had his family already...Why not just end it now while you can and find a single young man who you can grow with, make your own family with, rather than be with a MM, who chances are, isn't leaving his wife and kids anytime soon. Also, does he want more children? And also, you'll be step mom to his children, his ex-wife will ALWAYS be in his life...Are you ready for all that? Will his kids accept you seeing as you're just a tiny bit older than them? Think long term here, not just in the moment... You need to say goodbye and move on. Don't involve yourself in their marriage, you knew going in that he was married - Knew you were going to be the OW, even if he made promises to you about leaving, his actions show otherwise. It isn't your place to tell her all - Just because you aren't getting what you want, him. He isn't yours...He's hers. They are married. Imagine your father doing this to your mother. Wouldn't you just be so pissed off at your dad??? Imagine how HIS kids are gonna feel. Think of other people's feelings now, other than your own. Get out, find yourself a nice single guy and forget MM.
torranceshipman Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I second everything WhichWayIsUp said....very good advice! ...your story is so common....get the guy out of your life asap.
annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I have to admit I laughed when I read the part about the wife saying, "he has a mortgage." Almost as if you would suddenly say, "Really? I knew he was married, but I didn't realize he had a mortgage. I feel so ashamed now." Sorry, I don't mean to make light of the situation. I just hear financial issues used all the time to excuse why people don't get divorced. As a divorcee I can tell you that it's not that big of a deal. If you have a house, you sell it. Both parties move to places they can afford and if child support is an issue, the courts decide how much is appropriate. Spousal support is usually only an issue for a short period of time if at all. It depends on what state you live in. Even though my ex cheated I did not ask for spousal support and even by passed child support so we could have joint custody. I honestly don't believe in spousal support, no matter who is at fault. I think it is out dated. If your marriage doesn't work out, you pick yourself back up and start over.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Yes, he may care for you but he cares about himself much more. And you only know what he is telling you - What he wants you to know. I'm betting things are not half as bad as he makes it out to be. That is why he told his wife you were nobody. See how easily he can just sweep you under the rug? Im' sure he made you feel special and loved, but hey, so did/does his wife...They have children together, created a family! That part, I totally agree with. He did sweep me under the rug so easily, and I confronted him about that. He told me that he didn't want her to know about me. She's chosen to look the other way because chances are, he's downplayed it all. Making YOU out to be the one chasing him. You are the one who has a crush and maybe he even admitted crossing the lines with you...BUT, when it comes right down to it, he will turn it all around on you, so you will be the bad guy. Not him. This part, I don't think is true. I could be just being naive. But, I think he has told her absolutely nothing about me. I don't exist. Possibly, when it all hits the fan, he could tell her that. Or he could not. Every situation is different. I don't think my situation is "common". Yes, it happens all the time, but I know people who have had affairs, and it ended up differently for each person. This is why I am so confused. Remember, this man has been lying to his wife, betraying his whole family, so chances are, he's lied to you too. I bet he's told you they don't have sex, he can't talk to her like he can to you....Go read some other threads in this section so you can see that your situation isn't much different than the OW here. Yes. He has told me they don't have sex, and that they barely speak. Yet I was struck by the anguish in her voice when she called me. I thought, "Wow, she really sounds distraught. Could it be that he isn't portraying the situation accurately?" You're so young, he's 42, had his family already...Why not just end it now while you can and find a single young man who you can grow with, make your own family with, rather than be with a MM, who chances are, isn't leaving his wife and kids anytime soon. Also, does he want more children? And also, you'll be step mom to his children, his ex-wife will ALWAYS be in his life...Are you ready for all that? Will his kids accept you seeing as you're just a tiny bit older than them? Think long term here, not just in the moment... Because I don't want a "young man". And I never have. I have never been in a good relationship with a young man. I have experienced nothing but cruelty and immaturity. While I never envisioned myself dating a married man, I love a lot of things about him. Not everything. I'm not foolish enough to think that he's perfect and that if we do end up together, our life will be perfect. I am well aware that his wife and children will very likely blame me for the end of the marriage. He says he does want more children, 1 or 2 more, and that is fine by me. I would like to try. I love him, and I want to be part of his life, warts and all. Imagine your father doing this to your mother. Wouldn't you just be so pissed off at your dad??? Imagine how HIS kids are gonna feel. Think of other people's feelings now, other than your own. Get out, find yourself a nice single guy and forget MM. My parents actually are separated. My mom is a religious fanatic. She's crazy. So I wasn't angry at my father for anything. My situation was entirely different. I was relieved when my parents broke up. It definitely added hardship to the family, but they fought constantly, practically hated each other, and each day they were together brought more misery to me. I constantly thought of suicide. When my father left, I was relieved to have the fighting finally stop. I have thought about his children, especially his daughter. I have not thought only of myself. As far as the mortgage part, you aren't making light. I didn't laugh but I thought, "Who gives a f**k about the mortgage?" To me, that lended more credibility to what he said, because if she loved him, I would think she'd say that. Not that I don't care about her anguish and pain, I do. But I do feel there is a lot of support for BSs, as everyone puts it here. And understandably so, but I am a person too, and I have feelings. I'm not just some homewrecker. Believe me, I struggle with it. There are times when I think that I hate the person I have become. I have seen movies that make it so simple, and there's the dumb bimbo who strutted in with the low cut shirts and the short skirts and stole the husband away from the faithful, dutiful wife, and I have hated that woman. And, I have in a way become that woman. But it's not that simple. Sorry about the look of the post, I am still familiarizing myself with the layout here.
2sunny Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 if you want to do something nice for yourself - you will remove yourself from this situation. her reaction sounds as if this has happened before! as for spousal support - where i live - if you've been married more than ten years - the money can and usually is awarded forever - unless the other spouse dies or remarries. if it's under ten years - it is normally awarded for half the length of the marriage - ie married eight years - the spouse gets support for four years.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 I thought it sounded like it hadn't happened before. I would think she'd have said something like, "He won't be with you, you know." She sounded completely shocked to me. I don't know the law in the state he's in, and I don't really want to say the state he's in publicly. You never know. I do know the length of the marriage is considered. She does work, but she makes a lot less money than he does.
NoIDidn't Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I think that he has downplayed the whole thing to her. She can't ignore what doesn't exist. Remember you're "nobody"? But concerning her "mortgage" statement. I do find it a little insulting to this unknown woman to make light of this and the fact that she makes so much less than he does. Why on earth would he tell you that? He wants you to believe that she is only with him for the money he brings in? Its not funny that she is thinking about where she is going to live should he leave her for the new and improved model. That's real. And she's thoughtful enough to consider it. She also said he has kids. Another considerate thing for her to think of. The only time this man seems to be buying is more time stringing you along. The "nobody" comment really stings. If he didn't portray his dealings with you in an accurate way to her, what makes you think he is portraying his dealings to you with her accurately? 1
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 That part, I totally agree with. He did sweep me under the rug so easily, and I confronted him about that. He told me that he didn't want her to know about me. Yes, ofcourse he doesn't want her to know about you...Why would he? The thing is, he is so used to having TWO women in his life fulfilling all his needs, why on earth would he want to give that up? His wife, mother of his children - Gives him stability, a home, is there for love and support. She also gets to deal with him on a day in day out basis, the good, bad and the ugly wrapped up into one. ALL stuff couples go through, good and bad. That's called life. Their history and marriage mean alot, and maybe he has forgotten that, but I tell ya, one day he will remember all that means everything to him and sadly, you might be left out of it. Okay,then he has you, for fun, excitement, and yes, probably great sex. You aren't part of his daily life, involved in decision making about his life, his children, his house, friends, family....You only know and experience the good and fun side of it, not the crap life throws at you. This part, I don't think is true. I could be just being naive. But, I think he has told her absolutely nothing about me. I don't exist. Possibly, when it all hits the fan, he could tell her that. Or he could not. Every situation is different. I don't think my situation is "common". Yes, it happens all the time, but I know people who have had affairs, and it ended up differently for each person. This is why I am so confused. Yes, you are being naive. You can't see around the block here and see what is really happening, which is understandable seeing as you're in this situation so it's hard for you to be objective. Yes, every situation is different, but your situation isn't as different as you think it is. It's painful, and most of all innocent people like betrayed spouses and kids get hurt. Yes. He has told me they don't have sex, and that they barely speak. Yet I was struck by the anguish in her voice when she called me. I thought, "Wow, she really sounds distraught. Could it be that he isn't portraying the situation accurately?" If you believe word for word what he is telling you about his marriage and his wife, then I have some swamp land in Florida to sell to you. OFCOURSE they have sex. Maybe not too often, but they do. Hello, they sleep in the same bed, day in and day out. I'm sure they cuddle and talk, too. Ofcourse she's distraught! She's finding out her husband has been messing around with a woman half his age! Yes, she is distraught, upset, feeling betrayed. I'm sure he's told you alot of negative things about her, all which you've probably believed.....He is telling you what he needs to tell you so you will continue to be the OW in his life. Honestly, I bet he has no intention of leaving and ending his marriage. Ever...Sorry, but the odds are against you that way. Because I don't want a "young man". And I never have. I have never been in a good relationship with a young man. I have experienced nothing but cruelty and immaturity. While I never envisioned myself dating a married man, I love a lot of things about him. Not everything. I'm not foolish enough to think that he's perfect and that if we do end up together, our life will be perfect. I am well aware that his wife and children will very likely blame me for the end of the marriage. He says he does want more children, 1 or 2 more, and that is fine by me. I would like to try. I love him, and I want to be part of his life, warts and all. Sorry you've been hurt, but that isn't an excuse to go involve yourself with a MM. You like older guys, that's fine, pick one that isn't married and doesn't have a family created!! Your life with him won't be perfect because NOONE'S life and marriage is perfect. Already you have to deal with his ex-wife, she is part of his life forever, you have his kids. His family, his friends...ALL of whom are a big part of his wife's life too. It's not like you can step into her shoes and take over as the new wife and expect all to fall into place. That's just pure fantasy..... His children ARE important and if they don't accept you, it will be another big challenge against you. He isn't going to be with you if it means he loses everything that he worked for in his life. Sorry again, but please, take a step back and get out of the fantasy here. My parents actually are separated. My mom is a religious fanatic. She's crazy. So I wasn't angry at my father for anything. My situation was entirely different. I was relieved when my parents broke up. It definitely added hardship to the family, but they fought constantly, practically hated each other, and each day they were together brought more misery to me. I constantly thought of suicide. When my father left, I was relieved to have the fighting finally stop. I have thought about his children, especially his daughter. I have not thought only of myself. What was good for you may not be great for his children. His wife doesn't sound crazy, neurotic or a bitch. Definately keep thinking of his kids, his daughter...I mean, just because YOU want him, doesn't mean that it has to happen. Again, this man isn't yours....He should NOT have put himself in a situation that has landed this affair. He was WRONG to let the affair happen and wrong that he's now lying to everyone.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I have to admit I laughed when I read the part about the wife saying, "he has a mortgage." Almost as if you would suddenly say, "Really? I knew he was married, but I didn't realize he had a mortgage. I feel so ashamed now." . :laugh: Me too sorry I laughed at that too. I thought the exact same thing as if she would say "oh well if he has a mortgage that changes everything, I won't go near a man with a mortgage!" :lmao: Must have been an irratic comment on the BS's part, she got on the phone and blurted out whatever came to mind.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 He definitely has downplayed it to her. But she did call me, she did leave messages on my phone, and I don't think she truly thinks I am nobody. My number was on his phone quite a few times, and at 3 in the morning no less. He was out with me, has stayed out with me at times, and I don't think she's a fool. I see what you're saying about being insulting, but I think she's more intelligent than that, to think that he stayed out with "nobody" until 3 am. Yes, I guess that is what he wants me to believe, that she's with him mostly for the money. And I do believe it, since that's what came out of her mouth first, and several times in the messages she left to me. If they got divorced, she would probably get the house, and the spousal support, I am certain. As someone said earlier, he would lose a lot of his wealth to her. They live a comfortable life together. He would probably lose that, and honestly so would she. Not that it makes the end of the marriage any easier. I'm not saying that. Please do not refer to me as "the new and improved model". I am a human being, not an upgradeable computer. You do make a good point about it seeming like he's buying more time to string me along. I cannot dispute that...it does seem that way. He is extremely indecisive. I know it isn't an easy decision though.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 The only time this man seems to be buying is more time stringing you along. The "nobody" comment really stings. If he didn't portray his dealings with you in an accurate way to her, what makes you think he is portraying his dealings to you with her accurately? If he TRUELY wanted to leave and was completely inlove with you, he would have taken that opportunity to tell her all. Tell her the truth of his feelings for you. Bottomline, if a man loves a woman enough, he WILL do everything necessary to make it work, even if he hurts his wife....Because his happiness and desire to be with someone else is more important. That didn't happen though, did it...
annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 if you want to do something nice for yourself - you will remove yourself from this situation. her reaction sounds as if this has happened before! as for spousal support - where i live - if you've been married more than ten years - the money can and usually is awarded forever - unless the other spouse dies or remarries. if it's under ten years - it is normally awarded for half the length of the marriage - ie married eight years - the spouse gets support for four years. That's just sad. If you are old enough to get married in the first place you are old enough take care of yourself and not expect some one else to foot the bill just because your marriage didn't work out. It's true that I don't have the same life style that I did when I was married, but that's to be expected. I have to support myself now. I'm a big girl and I can do it. I have little sympathy for women that expect spousal support. Grow up and take care of yourself. Now child support is understandable and i think mandatory if one parent takes on primary custody. the children are what really matters.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 We talk on the phone every day, and we are supposed to see each other tomorrow to talk about the situation some more. All of this is running through my head. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself, as painful as this situation may be. I am interested to hear what others in my situation have experienced. I'm definitely interested in the OWs perspective. I am going to browse this site some more to see the stories. One book I'm reading that has been really helpful is "Will He Really Leave Her For Me?" by Rona Subotnik. It's a non-judgmental, objective book. I never thought I'd be able to find a book that addresses things from my perspective.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You do make a good point about it seeming like he's buying more time to string me along. I cannot dispute that...it does seem that way. He is extremely indecisive. I know it isn't an easy decision though. Then back off. Leave him alone until they actually DO divorce, or at best he is out of the house. By staying, you are making it much easier for him to continue being indecisive. There's no real push for him to leave his wife and children if you are there daily, fulfilling all his needs.....
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You know something Kchiapet you are going to get all kinds of response because people seem to think they hold the "crystal ball" to your life telling you, "this will never happen and that will never happen", but the bottom line is only YOU know your situation and only destiny knows if something will happen or not. So rather than trying to figure out something that you have no control over, ie. your destiny, why don't you take care of yourself. By that I mean, if you feel you have to stay in contact with your MM until you can cut all ties then do so but I would strongly recommend quitting the A if I were you. If you want to know how this man really feels about you and if you want to know if he is stringing you along or not, tell him outright that you are no longer his other woman that if he wants you in any shape way or form that he should move on from his marriage and become a free man and that until then you can no longer be a part of his life. If he wants to be with you then he will find away. That is really the only way to know what he will do. If she told you "don't you know he has a mortgage?" it would definitely appear that the finances is her main concern. What a lame thing to say! Please do not refer to me as "the new and improved model". I am a human being, not an upgradeable computer. And good for you on standing your ground on not being insulted by other posters, you are indeed a human being with feelings! Now use that same assertiveness to get what you want from this man, and that is THE TRUTH. Stand your ground and let him know that you are not to be toyed with, if he wants you tell him to come for you 100% none of this 50% business. PS I speak from experience as an OW the only way to know the truth is to back right off.
NoIDidn't Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 That's just sad. If you are old enough to get married in the first place you are old enough take care of yourself and not expect some one else to foot the bill just because your marriage didn't work out. It's true that I don't have the same life style that I did when I was married, but that's to be expected. I have to support myself now. I'm a big girl and I can do it. I have little sympathy for women that expect spousal support. Grow up and take care of yourself. Well, why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel? Dang. No sympathy at all for the poor woman about to lose all that she HELPED him earn whether directly or indirectly (if he's even planning on leaving in reality). I don't think a woman counting on her husband to care for her is any less grown up than the woman that is waiting around for a man to leave his spouse for her (or even to admit to the reality of her). If I were to D, I expect spousal support AND child support. And I would get it too. Everything that "we" have *I* helped to get it AND maintain it (regardless of the level of income I was bringing in). I'll be da.mned if he's going to walk away and leave me in the lurch. My H would be da.mned if he thought he was going to do that to me.
Author kchiapet95 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Tomcat... Thank you. I think that is the best answer I have received. I guess I just wanted to see what others thought. It's difficult. I realize that I won't garner much sympathy, and I'm not exactly asking for it. But I am wondering what to do, what others would do in my situation. But you are right. I am the only one who knows my situation. This is why I was trying to ask, from people like me, what they thought, because it is difficult to answer unless you've been in the situation. At least I think so. Unfortunately, I can't seem to end it. The best I came up with...we argued this weekend, and I told him I was done with him, and then we talked, we cried, and I told him that one of my friends asked me out (it isn't really a date, it's just like a fun thing, a whole bunch of people are going) and I was going, because I couldn't put my life on hold for him. He told me that he loved me, and he didn't want to share me, but he knew he was being selfish, because he is married. I think that is the best I can do for now, but I can't cut him out of my life completely. I love him.
annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You know something Kchiapet you are going to get all kinds of response because people seem to think they hold the "crystal ball" to your life telling you, "this will never happen and that will never happen", but the bottom line is only YOU know your situation and only destiny knows if something will happen or not. So rather than trying to figure out something that you have no control over, ie. your destiny, why don't you take care of yourself. By that I mean, if you feel you have to stay in contact with your MM until you can cut all ties then do so but I would strongly recommend quitting the A if I were you. If you want to know how this man really feels about you and if you want to know if he is stringing you along or not, tell him outright that you are no longer his other woman that if he wants you in any shape way or form that he should move on from his marriage and become a free man and that until then you can no longer be a part of his life. If he wants to be with you then he will find away. That is really the only way to know what he will do. If she told you "don't you know he has a mortgage?" it would definitely appear that the finances is her main concern. What a lame thing to say! Please do not refer to me as "the new and improved model". I am a human being, not an upgradeable computer. And good for you on standing your ground on not being insulted by other posters, you are indeed a human being with feelings! Now use that same assertiveness to get what you want from this man, and that is THE TRUTH. Stand your ground and let him know that you are not to be toyed with, if he wants you tell him to come for you 100% none of this 50% business. PS I speak from experience as an OW the only way to know the truth is to back right off. Quoted just to make sure nobody misses this post !! Great response. I agree with you 100%. No one here knows for sure what will happen or what his intentions really are. All we can do is give advice based on our own experiences and hope it might help. Not every situation is the same, so the trick is to pick through the advice and find what pertains to you.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 If he respects you enough, and really wants his marriage to end, do it the right way. Let him go for now, let him deal with his wife, family, do the divorce and then when the time is right you two can be together. By allowing him to still BE in your life, have sex with him, that isn't going to make this any easier or go any faster.
NoIDidn't Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 If they got divorced, she would probably get the house, and the spousal support, I am certain. As someone said earlier, he would lose a lot of his wealth to her. I think it is an incorrect line of thinking to say he would lose "his wealth". He would be sharing "their wealth" with her in the demise of their relationship. Their marriage abolishes his and hers thinking, unless they have a pre-nup. Which is doubtful. These guys paint themselves to be matyrs that will lose everything to a leech. That's usually not the case. She may not have gone to work for him and worked in his place for him to be such a great earner, but what she does do allows him the freedom to excel on his job. A W is a great asset when you want to move higher up the corporate ladder. For some reason, married men are considered more trustworthy and able to keep their commitments. ....looking for the icon that hits itself in the head LOL.... Please do not refer to me as "the new and improved model". I am a human being, not an upgradeable computer. It was a figure of speech, but I do apologize if you took offense to it. Try not to mind the poster trolling for more angry responses to it though.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I think everyone giving advice though can agree on this. Giving him space. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. If you were the one married and having the affair, and about to leave your husband, would you want your OM pushing you, getting upset, making things worse? This isn't going to be easy either way and honestly, what he does and how he handles his divorce if it happens, has to be done his way. You can't help him, or tell him anything, and it's just not your place to interfer. Not saying you will or won't, but still...
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 If they got divorced, she would probably get the house, and the spousal support, I am certain. As someone said earlier, he would lose a lot of his wealth to her. Yes, and she is the one who raised the kids. Kept the house going, created a life with her husband. Whoever said that the wife should get nothing is crazy! Come on. And especially if a couple decide before having children that one parent, and in this case, is the mom, will stay home and raise the kids - You can't expect someone to just UP and get a job after not working for 19+ years! She deserves spousal support. Why wouldn't she? She is about to lose possibly, everything in her life, including her husband. Also, MANY women STILL get spousal support even if they work. Whoever makes more $$ ends up paying. I know two women who pay their ex's spousal support.
Recommended Posts