Tiger-Lily Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 In January of this year I met a man who is married with two (2) children. I never had intensions of being with a married man, so I told him we can only be friends. We became closer over the past months (no sex), and he said that he wants to start a life with me. I told him that could only happen if he leaves his wife and rent an apartment then get his divorce. At present he has a mortgage that he is paying for the house that they live in. He said he would ask her to pay for half the mortgage and allow her and the children to live in the house and he would rent an apartment. She told him that she can't pay for half the mortgage and would sell the house and she would rent an apartment herself with the children. About two (2) weeks ago we had a fight because he told me that he is not going to leave the house anymore because he can't pay the mortgage and the rent, so he would have his divorce whiles he is still living there. I told him that that was a load of rubbish and I am not staying with him. He said that it was just a financial decision and he has no feelings for his wife and would do what it takes to be with me. He agreed to leave and rent. The house would have to be sold. Last night the topic came up again about him not selling the house and he would still move out and pay the mortgage. I asked him why he decided on this now since he told me that it was too much money to be paying for both a mortgage and a rent. He said he would not allow his wife and children to rent an apartment and would work extra hard to pay for the both places. He said he does not want anyone to say that he left them with nothing. I got really mad because I know with him working extra hard (he has two jobs) would take away from our relationship and if we are to get married, he would be spending money on a mortgage for his wife to live in a house that they both shared. He said the house is really for his children but I can't see the children keeping the house because when they grow up and start their family they would have to decide which of the two (2) would keep the house and in the end they would still have to sell it and split the money. I don't know if I am being unreasonable with the way I am thinking but I need some advice please.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You are being unrealistic actually. You met this man 6 months ago... He isn't just going to up and leave all that he knows, his wife, children, his family, inlaws, and the life he's built with his wife for someone he's only known for 6 months. They share ALOT, they have a history, they said vows....Sure, he's cheating on his wife, but don't expect him to up and leave them. If you don't want to be the OW, then tell him goodbye, go no contact UNTIL he is divorced. Then you two can date. Think of it this way...He is capable of cheating on his wife and betraying his whole family what makes you think he wouldn't turn around and do the same to you in the future? This is the woman he has children with and he's totally disrespecting her and his children by involving himself with you. Also, their marriage isn't any of your business...So, IF by chance he does leave, he will be paying child support and more than likely spousal support too.
Incognitox Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 If you are willing to be in contact with a MM in an inappropriate way, you really don't have any right to any expectations of what he should do, honey. I get the sense from your post that if you have a relationship with this guy, you feel entitled to his earnings and anything they pay for. His children will have entitlement over you, always; regardless of whether they are 6 or 60. He is going to want to see his children growing up in an environment that is pleasant and safe, he's also going to want to limit the disruption in their lives if and when he does leave their mother, so it's pretty good that he wants them to stay put. It'll be one less stress factor for them if he divorces. At this point in time, you need to be looking after yourself and determining if having a relationship with a MM, who is not separated let alone divorced, is healthy for you.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You are not being unrealisting as far as your concerns go, they are valid concerns to YOU but you are not being very understanding either. The idea that this man will have to work extra hard to support his other family and this may cut into your life with him is valid however the reality is that he does owe his family a life where by they are not majorly disrupted by the divorce/seperation. It's going to be hard enough for them to deal with the seperation let alone having to be uprooted because of this. Right now a little understanding on your behalf will go a long way with him. Be a supportive friend to him if you want to build a future together and put your selfish insecurities aside at least until you have solid proof that his pormises to you are not being met. Allow him the space to do what he needs to leave his family in good standing, just because he wants out of the marriage does not mean he should abandon them financially nor leave them in a state of need. You and he will find a way to work around the time issue etc. but if you become unreasonable this early on then you might as well kiss him goodbye, this is when he needs your support more than ever. PLUS it is not your place to dictate what he should do with his money and his family. As long as he stays true to you then let him do as he needs to.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I never had intensions of being with a married man, so I told him we can only be friends. We became closer over the past months (no sex), and he said that he wants to start a life with me. I told him that could only happen if he leaves his wife and rent an apartment then get his divorce. Did you stick to the personal boundaries you set for yourself and follow through? If not, than you run the risk of giving someone permission to take advantage of your leniency at the expense of your own comfort zone. People will rarely respect or acknowledge your boundaries unless you do. And the only way to do that is by standing courageously behind the decisions you make (even when it isn’t easy or convenient) so nothing gets lost in the translation between what you say you won’t allow versus what you do allow. I got really mad because I know with him working extra hard (he has two jobs) would take away from our relationship and if we are to get married, he would be spending money on a mortgage for his wife to live in a house that they both shared. This is always something that you should stop to consider when entering into a relationship with someone who is still married or not. Chances are, divorcees with children are still somewhat invested both emotionally and financially in their past relationships. Alimony, child support ... and time. These people just don’t disappear, nor do the responsibilities that go with. You may be sharing a significant portion of your time with his extended family, as well as some of your own paycheck to help support him while he continues to support them. It goes with the territory and is a big part of the whole relationship package you’re getting ready to invest yourself in. While relationships are often grounded in emotions, it never pays to love dumb or irrationally. Sometimes it’s better to take time off from your heart just long enough to get a realistic perspective of the entire picture. Past, present AND future. I don't know if I am being unreasonable with the way I am thinking but I need some advice please. I don’t think your being completely unreasonable in your “thinking” ... as much as you may be in your expectations of this particular individual and what a relationship with him can offer you. As a matter of fact, it’s a good thing that you are finally taking the time to stop and consider whether or not this is really something you want for your future and can honestly handle.
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Lol, if you really love him you will have to take things as they come. He isn't going to abandon them. Also I would think that eventually he returns to them. They are a PART of him.
Lizzie60 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 It's not always easy to divorce... It is very hard financially and sometimes almost impossible... This guy (like most) wants the best for his kids...he doesn't want them to pay for his decision. He probably feels guilty to put his wife in a difficult financial situation... I can't blame him... On the other hand, I know it's hard for you too. There is no magical answer... It's only been 6 months... He can't turn around, leave everything behind and start a new life with you in that short period of time. He is responsible for his kids... I am not sure what advice to give you, except, maybe try to be understanding.. Give him some time.... and if you feel, he'll never be able to live up to your 'expectations' then you need to move on. He has huge responsibilities (kids) and probably the financial aspect is overwhelming... If you stress him out... it won't work between you two anyway..so you need to either give him time to resolve his situation or move on.
NoIDidn't Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I am just have problems with your demands that he sell a house that you don't even live in. This is life with a D'd/D'ing man, if he's even doing that. If he abandons his responsibilities to his family because of your demands, he's not a man and doesn't deserve to be called one. I'm with WWIU. Go NC with him until he makes his decisions. He doesn't need your input. Right now, you are still his OW regardless of the no sex because you have too much of a hand and knowledge of and in HIS business. Walk away until he can get his business straight. How he chooses to take care of his kids and potential exW is really none of your concern.
Seen_It_All Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 ....I know with him working extra hard (he has two jobs) would take away from our relationship and if we are to get married, he would be spending money on a mortgage for his wife to live in a house that they both shared.Ummm....I wouldn't go ring shopping just YET. But maybe you two can revisit this topic again when his grandchildren graduate junior high? Cause he'll still be home with the wife.
Havn_a_life Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I think when you didn't stick to your guns, as in having him get his D and move into an apt. and then starting dating, he decided to take advantage of that. You need to tell him no R until you see the D papers and an apt lease/receipt.
frannie Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Well, you have to make decisions/set boundaries for yourself here (not for him), and you can never hope for a good relationship when you're trying to dictate to others how they should behave. Especially when you're coming between someone and their children. Children should always come first, and divorce is a horrible traumatic experience for them... they need all the stability they can get. YES, even if that means that adults are majorly inconvienienced and financially lose out. You stick to your decision not to involve yourself with him unless he's divorced, while letting him make the decisions for his children. If you try to interfere in things that aren't your business or responsibility, I can't see any other result that he'll end up resenting you, or thinking he's probably better off where he is. Stick to your guns on keeping this a friendship (although it sounds more like an emotional affair), tell him the terms on which you'll get involved with him (if he's single or separated, or divorced and out of the family home), but really, don't involve yourself between him and his children. He'll never be a single man with no responsibilities... they will always come first to him, and always should. If you can't handle that then you probably shouldn't be involved with a man who has children. He's only trying to do what he thinks is right for them..? Yeah..? Same as you are trying to do what's right for you.
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