I'm so unhappy, now thinking of infidelity for the first time.

[Vertex]

I don't actually expect many to read through this entire post, but I deeply thank those that do.

 

I've never thought of cheating before. I've been in quite a few relationships and I've always been 100% faithful, and I've always treated girls with love and respect. I myself have been cheated on a few times, and it was devastating.

 

However, my current relationship is rendering me insane. I am 20 and I've been going out with my current girlfriend for about a year now. It used to be a lot more enjoyable and mutual in nature, but now it seems so one-sided in the sense that she is a taker and I am a giver. I wake her in the mornings, cook for her, remind her of important things/events, take notes for her, do errands, am considerate in bed, hear her out when she is upset, stick up for her, surprise her with romantic things, carry her things, go out with her often to have fun, etc. I do all these things for her without an iota of gratitude. If I ask for a small favor, she makes an excuse. She's messy and leaves all sorts of crap behind for me to clean up. She doesn't even give blowjobs anymore -- if I ask for one she changes the subject to something else. She does nothing for me that shows that she cares or respects me.

 

What angers me the most is when she will see another guy doing something nice for a girl. She will make it sound like he's some huge hero, even though whatever it is she is swooning over is something I do for her on a frequent basis without any acknowledgment. She takes so much for granted. She grew up in a very wealthy household complete with maids and butlers -- she almost treats me like that's what I am to her. A butler. On the other hand, I come from a place where I've had to do everything myself. Work for my own money, pay for my own things, make my own accomplishments, etc.

 

Thus, recently I've become very irate. I constantly hear about these complete ******* idiots getting blowjobs left and right even though they may be totally undeserving, yet here I am working my ass off trying to make my girl happy, and she refuses to reciprocate a thing. My whole life I've advocated faithfulness and respect, but recently I've come to think that it just opens up too many doors for getting hurt. This is totally against my normal reasoning and logical processes, but it seems like all sorts of people do such horrible things and are no worse off than those who do nice things and still get screwed.

 

Why should I constantly be faced with relationships where girls do nothing but take and take? Why should I always have to feel the heavier end of the depression when something goes wrong? I'm sick of being the one everyone craps on and under-appreciates. There have been a few girls who have wanted to get physical, but I've told them to back off because I was a taken man. But now I am not even sure what I'm defending. I hear of so many who have at one point cheated. Are their lives any better or worse than mine is now? For the most part, the baseline is fairly close in both cases. Why should I be deprived of this subconscious desire to be able to do something socially reprehensible and get away with it in order to fulfill my whim? To have a girlfriend and someone else on the side, for the thrill and rush of it.

 

It scares me when I think this way because it is 100% contrary to how I normally am. But I cannot emphasize enough how SICK I am of a lifetime of chasing after a treat on the end of a string, only to watch that some other ******* gets to enjoy it at the end while I go hungry. Who am I helping by treating people with kindness? People don't appreciate it, and I get hurt even more. Why shouldn't I be able to indulge?! People for years tell me "Just be the stronger man, you'll come out on top. Luck will change for you," but I've been told this for years. And instead of luck, I get hit with my parents dying, huge college bills, selfish girlfriends, stress, work, and all sorts of crap I don't deserve at this age.

 

It's like being strapped to a chair with a big button in front of you reading "Press for something good to happen!", only with every press you receive a shock. But after every shock, you are told to keep trying -- eventually it'll work the way you want it to. But after constantly being shocked and told the same lie, you snap. You ****ing hate that button and you want to kick and scream and inflict pain and damage.

 

I don't know what's going on. I'm afraid of being alone, which is why I can't bring myself to break up with her and find someone else. I never had a close family, and so I've been seeking love ever since. However, now I don't know what's wrong with me. Every girl I end up with starts out great, but turns out to be a self-centered, glacial human being who blames me for being too nice. Apparently I'm supposed to say "No" to doing certain things for people I love. I think it's crap. I hate playing these games. So I figure maybe acting self-centered and selfish will bring me some new answers.

 

It's like getting revenge against the world for all this crap. I constantly have things taken from me. I relish in this desire to be able to be indifferent to my girlfriend's self-centered nature because I could just think, "That's okay, I'm getting my needs met elsewhere anyway."

 

Every time I write or think these things, I feel sick. I'm no adulterer, but I can't stop myself from thinking these things. I want a relationship where love is reciprocated. I'm tired of being walked over. I'm sick of having my thoughts and concerns dismissed. If I get angry at someone, they get mad at ME and try to make me feel guilty for being angry! I'm so sick of it! I want people to ****ing take me SERIOUSLY when I am mad at them! I am tired of making sacrifices (many of which I haven't even discussed here yet) that go unappreciated. If someone treats me like ****, I will treat them the same way! This is how I feel right now.

 

Someone please tell me how I should reason my way out of this.

[Star Struck]

I guess you have to ask yourself how you will feel about yourself after you cheat. Will you really feel better about yourself or will it make you feel worse? If your girlfriend finds out she will probably tell others. Do you want other people to think of you as a cheater?

 

If she isn't giving back to you in this relationship (not just physically, but emotionally as well) why do you even want to be with a girl like that? I understand the fear of being alone, but this seems to be doing nothing but draining you emotionally.

 

If you are seeking love, why go for a girl who is only willing to give you a one night stand?

 

I hope that I don't come across as mean or blunt, it isn't my intent.

[ahah2322]

hey vertex. yes it does seem like this girl is not appreciating you enough. well, do you still love her enough to be with her. if you still do, i suggest you talk to her and be firm about it. and leave her to think through before she answers you. ask her if she's willing to reciprocate and be less self centered. this is what my bf does to me too; i used to be very self centered (and i dont even realise it; very frivolous; a taker... et cetra you get the idea... so maybe she's oblivious to it all) and the reason why i am attracted to my bf (or girls like that i suppose) is because he is firm and puts his foot down. you should do the same too.

 

if she's still unwilling and largely reluctant/ keeps making excuses, then you've got a choice to make. stay or leave though if she's unwilling to put in effort, it already tells alot about her love for you; negligible. most important thing; be firm!

 

cheating not only hurts her (unless thats your intention) and it is not dignified at all. it will be best if you break off with her first then find someone else/ one night stand whatever you deem fit.

 

hope this helps vertex. and good luck!

[Cobra_X30]

Cheating wont fix your problem. Actually it is just going to prove that your GF is right in treating you the way she does.

 

At some point you are going to be forced to deal with your fear of lonliness. Now may be a great time. You have to give this girl an ultimatum... if you dont you will be a doormat forever.

 

There isnt a girl in the world under 40 that has respect for a nice guy. Show her that you have a pair and maybe you will start to see a change. Bottom line though.... cheating is only going to increase your problems.

[tanbark813]

Enough of the "poor me" attitude. If you want things to change then do something about it. People can only treat you like sh*t if you let them. It almost sounds like on some level you like being treated like sh*t because it appeals to some masochistic drive to be able to then turn around and feel more noble about having been a good person. But that's a bit of a tangent and I could be totally off base regarding that part.

 

Anyway, your fear of being alone is the core problem with your gf. You need to eliminate that fear of loss. It will only hurt you. You have to know that there will be someone else around the corner if you drop your gf (which it sounds like you should).

 

Don't cheat. That's spineless. If you're getting to that point then just drop your gf and find someone else. There are tons of girls out there who would be more appreciate of the things you do in a relationship.

[oavada]

always break up first of course...never cheat on someone..logically, you would end the current relationship and start a new one.

[Star Gazer]

Enough of the "poor me" attitude. If you want things to change then do something about it. People can only treat you like sh*t if you let them. It almost sounds like on some level you like being treated like sh*t because it appeals to some masochistic drive to be able to then turn around and feel more noble about having been a good person. But that's a bit of a tangent and I could be totally off base regarding that part.

 

Anyway, your fear of being alone is the core problem with your gf. You need to eliminate that fear of loss. It will only hurt you. You have to know that there will be someone else around the corner if you drop your gf (which it sounds like you should).

 

Don't cheat. That's spineless. If you're getting to that point then just drop your gf and find someone else. There are tons of girls out there who would be more appreciate of the things you do in a relationship.

 

 

Amen, brotha!

[monkey00]

playing mind games with yourself ... how fun!

 

Consider the advice given here today, only you have the power to change things.

[jcster]

I too used to be the "nice girl." It took me years and a lot of bad relationships to call it by its real name: codependence. When being a "nice person" causes you resentment, that's a sure sign that something is out of whack. It's not just the fact that your girlfriend doesn't appreciate you - of course she doesn't - narcissists and codependents are like peanut butter and jelly. Until you decide to live your life for YOU and to STOP entering into these unfulfilling and desperate relationships, you will be used again and again. Sure, you could cheat, but you'd only cheat with another narcisist and the cycle will continue.

 

Codependence is a learned behavior, and it's learned at a young age. You need to figure out why you are doing this, and figure out how to love yourself before you enter into ANY more relationships! You're lucky, you are young - fix this now and have a happy life!

[mental_traveller]

Tell her what aspects of her behaviour piss you off, but try to be tactful. At the end of your speech, say that she has to demonstrate a serious change in these annoying behaviours. Then give her a week, if she changes and sticks to it, then problem solved; if, as is more likely, she doesn't change, then dump her. You can then screw as many girls as you like without feeling guilty or turning into a liar and a cheat.

[norajane]

First, you need to be willing to walk away from someone who treats you like crap. That gives you the nerve to say NO when you feel you're being taken advantage of, because the worst that can happen if you say no, is that she gets mad and breaks up with you. It's not about saying no to someone you love - it's about pushing back when you feel you're being taken for granted and when you start feeling like you're being asked for far too much without getting much in return.

 

If that's the ONLY kind of woman you've been with, you have to recognize that YOU are the common denominator, and there's a reason that you attract and have been with only women who are takers. If you didn't have that fear of being alone, you wouldn't be such a doormat and you wouldn't be with women who walk all over you for very long.

 

Second, you obviously need to get to know these women better before getting into a relationship, and choose more wisely. You're getting involved with takers, and not every woman out there is a taker. I suspect your desperation to be in a relationship is causing you to jump at any woman who will have you, and most likely, those women can tell that you are the kind of guy who will let them control his life and his actions.

[ConfusedButLoved]

First of all, you aren't making much sense at all hunny. You don't think you're girlfriend appreciates you so you want to cheat? All I hear is wah wah wah, and instead of saying, "I'm sick of this life! I will take my life in my own hands and work out my issues" I hear "My girlfriend doesn't appriciate me! I need to cheat!" ??????????? This is senseless. It's very simple Vertex, you aren't married, if you really are treated as badly as you are going on and on about, then get out. Get out or shut up. It is so unproductive to just sit in a *****hole and talk about how bad it stinks!

[bish]

I don't actually expect many to read through this entire post, but I deeply thank those that do.

 

I've never thought of cheating before. I've been in quite a few relationships and I've always been 100% faithful, and I've always treated girls with love and respect. I myself have been cheated on a few times, and it was devastating.

 

However, my current relationship is rendering me insane. .

 

 

then break up with her. Don't cheat.

[Storyrider]

You're only 20. Take a break from dating for a while if it is going so badly for you. Use that time to be with your friends and family and think about what you are really looking for in a partner.

 

Or just be with yourself and enjoy the freedom.

[Trialbyfire]

First, you need to be willing to walk away from someone who treats you like crap. That gives you the nerve to say NO when you feel you're being taken advantage of, because the worst that can happen if you say no, is that she gets mad and breaks up with you. It's not about saying no to someone you love - it's about pushing back when you feel you're being taken for granted and when you start feeling like you're being asked for far too much without getting much in return.

That's the first step towards getting yourself back. Being prepared to shed an unhealthy relationship.

[Walk]

Hey Vertex. I've read your posts for a while now, and obviously you're really hurt and angered by how your gf's been treating you. I'm kind of shocked you've gotten so resentful that you want to cheat on her. Its definitely not the Vertex I've gotten to know through your posts... you must really be ticked off by all this.

 

From someone who has cheated on an SO. The selfish twinge of excitment does not make up for the self-loathing, guilt, and baggage that you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. (Not to mention the opinion of others that you are now as despicable as the most henious serial killer would be.) I'm still having dreams laden with guilt over what I did four years ago. Anyway... I don't think you really want to cheat, I think your just pissed off and in "taker" mode right now. Go ahead and be pissed.. but use that anger to change things so you'll be happier in the long run... not for a brief orgasm that leaves you with the horrible realization that you're disgusted with yourself.

 

I'm only going to tell you this because you've always come across as a very highly moral and honorable man who honestly wants to treat people with respect and decency... But I think you need to be selfish for a while. Don't give anyone the time of day who isn't looking out for your best interests, don't spend an ounce of energy on a person who isn't willing to give you what you have stated you need in order to be happy (ie: your girlfriend).

 

I'm not saying make this a way of life... but you need to find some balance between getting what you need, and keeping that wonderful part of you that believes in treating others as you would like to be treated. Life requires a happy medium of giver and taker, and if others won't respect you enough not to keep taking without giving, then make it clear to them that they won't stay in your life.

 

And also... your gf is lazy, selfish, and spoiled. She's slitting her own throat on this one.. and I'd bet you a dollar that if you drop kicked her to the curb she'd be begging you to let her do all those things you've already asked for and been denied.

[Vertex]

Thank you, Walk... the anger is mostly out of my system now and I do not truly wish to cheat. It was more of an evil thought that slipped into a temporary fantasy-drive to satisfy a need for an outlet of alternate (ie. selfish) possibilities.

 

It's just that I always hear girls complaining about their boyfriends, and how they dislike this or that, or wish they were more like A or B, etc. I've spent years trying to become someone that would make it a priority to treat women right. It angers me to see so many guys who are just takers get so much luck. It boggles me why this happens. I don't know how I can put so much time, effort, energy, and passion into a relationship and just get dominated every single time.

 

It takes so much courage for me to ask for something of someone. It's the worst feeling in the world when I ask my girlfriend for something and to have her say no (and I never, ever ask anything even remotely unreasonable). It makes me feel totally de-prioritized and unappreciated. I have so many girls tell me I'm intelligent and caring and sexy and spontaneous/romantic (and unfortunately these girls always seem to be taken, gah) and admire many traits. The girls I end up with may acknowledge these traits, but without anything more than that.

 

I am just tired of takers. Nobody seems to acknowledge what I give to them, and if they do, it gets deemed as something "I should do because that is what good boyfriends do anyway." Well then why can't I say "good girlfriends should do this and this?" Somehow that logic gets lost in the ether on the flipside, curiously.

 

I mean, on the one hand, she frequently says she loves me and will never leave me. But when she says that, I feel guilty, because I don't think I can say the same back to her at this rate. I will admit, most of these things stem from sexual frustration. I wouldn't mind carrying her things of cleaning up random piles of trash or whatever if she would be more attentive sexually. If wanting to do nice things for a girl upon request makes me a doormat, then so ****ing be it. My ideal relationship is one where both people involved do this for each other. It shouldn't be some freaking power struggle that so many people turn it into. It should be one of complete negotiation, compromise, communication, and reciprocity. One where the two people involved do things for each other.

 

I just want to feel desired. To have a girl want me sexually makes me feel assured that I am loved as something more than just some guy who is always there for a girl. Unfortunately, sexual gratification takes work on a girl's part, and the girls I end up with tend to be lazy in this area.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just wish I could see the future. What would happen if I stayed and negotiated furiously? Or am I better off leaving and suffering the single life until I find someone new? I want answers I can't have, and I don't like the potentially huge emotional risks and opportunity costs. I love to do things for people and make them happy, but at some point, I have needs too. And the fact that I get so much hostility and anger in response to simple requests makes me question many things.

[ConfusedButLoved]

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just wish I could see the future. What would happen if I stayed and negotiated furiously? Or am I better off leaving and suffering the single life until I find someone new?

 

Suffering the single life? Hunny it sounds to me like you're suffering now. In fact you make the dreaded "single life" sound like a wonderland. You seem completely blinded by the "but we've been together so long and she says she loves me" that you can't see how miserable you are. I don't want to be one of those posters that shouts "BREAK UP! BREAK UP!" every time someone has relationship problems, but I think you should at least reread everything you've written in this thread and ask yourself, what good am I getting out of this?

 

You mentioned she was spoiled. Let me just tell you that anyone spoiled will NOT appreciate you're kind heartiness. It is expected, not appreciated. It's sad that someone like that gets a good guy like you without lifting a finger for it, just like she gets everything else she wants. I'm not going to tell you that you should break up, but can you tell me one reason why you should remain in this relationship? Other than the fact that you love her.

 

I mean, on the one hand, she frequently says she loves me and will never leave me.

 

Of course not! Why would she leave? She has someone that is waiting on her hand and foot! Please do not mistaken her contentment with you're doting for undying love.

[Leadnfllw]

Dude it seems like you need more confidence, I'm a little older than you, but at your age I was the exact same way and I learned the hard way. If you feel like she is taking advantage of your generosity you need to put your damn foot down and tell her you're not going to tolerate this behavior from her. If all she is doing is taking advantage of you then you need to either let her know or dump her. If she is unwilling to change I say move the **** on.

 

Here's the thing, by your actions you are showing her that she can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS and you will still be there. Why should she respect you? You never gave her any of your rules she probably thinks to herself 'wow this guy is SOO into me and will do ANYTHING for me I can ask him for ANYTHING and he will never leave me!' It's a sick part of human nature but people will take advantage of that mentality.

 

Listen I have nothing against being generous, if I am happy I am generous with the girl I am with, but I also make it very clear what my rules and boundaries are. If she accepts them then fine, if not then I find someone who will.