Struggling...could use some support

[funkybassplayer]

Sundays always seem to be a hard day. My ex and her 3 kids dumped me about 8 weeks ago, and went strait to another man, and i cant contact her or the kids. I so much want to say stuff to her but cant, and sometimes the pain is unbearable, but then others i dont care. Today has been hard for me like last sunday was, Its a day where people are together as they are all now with the new guy with his arms around the lady that was mine not long ago. All we can do is be strong for ourselves and try not to think of what was or could have been. Dont put yourself down. This person was with you because they wanted to be, and in the end, did'nt. Nothing we can do to change that other than be strong. nobodys gonna help us exept ourselves, and its up to us to heal ourselves in whatever way that is possible. I have written and deleted countless emails in the past weeks, knowing that sending them will not bring her back.

[underpants]

Hi Greencove.

 

I am sorry to read that you are feeling a little blue this morning. Hopefully there is nice weather where you are and your day will end nicer then it began.

 

Now I was wondering if you have given any thought to perhaps speaking with a therapist about some of these things. Not that I am passing any judgement, I just think it might be helpful.

 

You touched on some past issues that might shed some light on some of your choices and behaviors. Sometimes people unknowingly sabatoge their relationships due to unconscious inner torment, or past experiences being dealt with in current situations.

 

Who knows what your ex thinks of things or even if he still does. The best thing you can do is to try to figure out how to be a better partner to someone in the future. He might have had some qualities that you seek, and you may have sabatoged some things. The point is there is nothing you can do about salvaging that relationship, right now, or maybe ever.

 

You can however, talk to a professional, and get some professional advice about how to deal with yourself and your thought processes. I don't think you should try to fill past voids with other people, that sounds not so good. You have to make peace with those voids or issues and then become whole on your own. Then you can bring all of your completed and loved self to a balanced relationship with another healthy partner.

 

Keep posting, and take good care of yourself.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Zapbasket]

Hey unders,

 

Thanks for posting. I like your, um, latest pair.

 

I am seeing a therapist and had seen a therapist for 3 years in my early twenties, so I do feel I *know* my issues, at least, if I haven't overcome them fully yet. Question: In what way might I have sabotaged the relationship, you think? One major hurt was back in spring 2004, I was discovering that I wasn't going to finish my thesis in time to graduate that May, and I was terribly confused because profs had said to me that I was a fantastic student but would probably do better writing fiction than critical papers. I was crushed b/c my plan after this masters was to go on to an English Ph.D. I felt pressure, too, because my partner had already finished his Ph.D. I felt like I wasn't as secure in my career as he was.

 

That past winter (of 2003), my partner and I had discussed where to move the next fall to be together. His company was planning to open an office in Toronto, and to move him there, so it seemed best to just go there. After a discussion, it sounded like we had a plan. but as winter gave way to spring, it became evident that his company was nowhere near opening the Toronto office, and after hearing nothing from my partner re: plans for the fall, I finally came out and said to him, "So what's up; it doesn't look like Toronto is happening." He then said he wanted me to move to his city, where his family and friends all were. I had been hurt the previous summer because after finishing his Ph.D. he moved back home without once discussing his plan and its ramifications on our relationship with me. I'd said to him at the time, "This puts me in a very difficult position once I'm done with my masters." And sure enough, here we were.

 

I was really confused. I didn't know what was going to happen to me career-wise, and I had this unfinished thesis hunkered down on my shoulders, so I didn't know what to do about finding a job. Then, there was the issue of where to live: to stay in the city where my university was until I finished my thesis (so that I'd have all the university resources close by), to move home with my mom to finish my thesis and then figure out what to do next, or to move to my partner's city. I really didn't want to stay in the city where my uni was. And I didn't get along well with my mother and did not really want to live in sleepy suburban NJ with her, cut off from friends, etc. But I felt very shy about moving to my partner's city, because I felt so uncertain--and ashamed--about my job/career prospects, and then I was going to be moving right into the middle of his whole milieu while I felt lower than I'd ever felt. I felt like my partner just expected me to absorb into his milieu, and I worried that I might not get to make any friends of my own, or carve out a solid career path for myself.

 

Also, I felt like I was *this close* to finally realizing my dream of being part of a real family. Would they accept me? Would I be able to be myself with them? Would the environment be one in which I could continue to develop as a person? I was carefully considering these things when my partner informed me that he'd spoken with his mother and was telling her about my thesis issues and he was very upset because she asked him whether I was manic depressive or obsessive-compulsive. I was SOOOOOO OFFENDED. I can't stand how some people whip out DSM-IV diagnostic criteria whenever someone is struggling with something, or winds up off the beaten path. I don't suffer from depression and while I can be obsessive at times, I certainly am NOT obsessive-compulsive. It was ridiculous. But at that time, I was so upset about my thesis and my professors' comments that I was seriously considering that perhaps I had some kind of learning disability, something *wrong* with me. Hearing his mother's words was like a stab in my tenderest area.

 

I asked him WHY WHY WHY he felt he needed to tell me that. He had no real answer. He couldn't see what was so wrong about it. I was profoundly hurt, and this really was the impetus behind my deciding NOT to move there to be with him.

 

The relationship unfolded--deteriorated--from there. I tried several times over the years to get him to see why that was so deeply hurtful, and he just never got it. Finally, before he moved out here last fall, I made him tell his mother that I knew what she said. She never called me about it or anything, but she apologized to my partner and said she never meant anything about it and nor did she think that of me but simply asked in response to what he'd said about my situation with my thesis.

 

He only finally apologized for it on January 4, the day he met with me "for closure" to tell me it was over.

 

What do you think of that? What confused me so much is that he seemed to want me in his home city soooo much, but then HE sabotaged that happening. Was I too sensitive? It really hurt me, the moreso when it seemed he just wasn't going to be able to understand how rejecting that felt.

[funkybassplayer]

PLease read yur own words, its driving you nuts. IT does'nt matter why, hes gone and that is what you have to accept if your to move forward. Sure it may take another 2 years, but even if you know why, or you dont it will not change the reality of the situation. Rejection is a hard thing to cope with, but we all have to, and you have done well, in his eyes, you honored his request, and he will repect that, but 6 months down the line, looking for answers from him will not happen. Let him go now, let him be happy with someone new, let him live how he wants to, and you will find someone who will do that for you too. and if life brings him back into your world so be it, but it must come from him. You have to move on move forward, and stop fighting yourself.

[Fanny]

Hi Greencove

.

 

Now I was wondering if you have given any thought to perhaps speaking with a therapist about some of these things.

 

I'm sorry to jump in - kind of an abrupt thing for a new member - but I've been following your thread all along, and you seem like such a great gal. I hate to see you burning your engine up over this.

 

I really agree with Underpants. Usually when people think of therapy, they think of a long haul, but a therapist can also help you get over a hump. To me it seems to me like you are stuck in the denial stage of grief.

[Zapbasket]

Why is this guy worth the trouble and pining? You have stated yourself that he treated you like an "ass." Do you think that will change? Why is he worthy of your devotion, six months after the breakup? Also, you have insisted that if you DO get back together, there are some of his behaviors that would be unacceptable to you. Do you really think he would be willing to change for you? I don't think so, that's why he broke up.

 

Well, as he said in his "get lost" e-mail of 2/13:

 

"But if you need to hear it one more time, I've ended the relationship for the following reasons:

--The way, frequency, and grounds over which we fought. Given that I am not willing to change my style any more than I already have, and I am unwilling to put up with those fights anymore, I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

--Our inability to reach agreement on many issues (family, living arrangements, finances, etc.). Given that I am unwilling to compromise any more than I already have, I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

 

So yes, he clearly stated that he is unwilling to change on behalf of our relationship, though he clearly felt he had compromised a lot. I would, frankly, disagree with that; he was very rigid, not in an authoritarian way, but in a very passive-aggressive and passive way. He just wouldn't engage in any conflict whatsoever, though he *would* say disagreeable things that oftentimes would spur an argument. So his claim, when he broke up with me over the phone, that he's dumping me because "you're an arguing person and I'm a non-arguing person," is, imo, complete crap. I didn't want to say so at the time because I felt on too tenuous ground--and frankly, too in shock--to disagree with him in any way. But deep down I thought it was ludicrous. Also ludicrous is his claim that we could not reach agreement on these major issues: he wouldn't discuss them with me, so how could any agreement be reached? He said, the last weekend we were together, that he wanted kids within the next two years and I was stunned, thinking, Well, then, where's my wedding ring--hell, we should already have the wedding PLANNED if that's the child-bearing timeframe you have in mind.

 

It's these things that make me feel, yeah, why WOULD I want him back? A friend of mine that knew him is adamant that "Green Cove, I'm sorry, I know you love him, but you are just so much better than him; I wasn't the only one who thought that all along; he probably broke it off with you because he just felt he couldn't keep up with you and that doesn't mean all the negative things you keep making it mean. He's a nice guy and that's it." And her opinion confuses me, because that's not what I saw at all. I found him to be a very rich person; my friend thinks that was all in my imagination. I don't think so, though...but I don't know. And in my opinion, it takes a lot to be a truly nice person, and I thought he truly was a very kind, loving, good person--but the way he effected this breakup was just so ugly, and his rigidity in the relationship and especially once he moved here, his attitude, was pretty awful.

 

I never thought I was better than him; he inspired me to make some major changes in my approach to friendships, my education, my outlook, and I looked up to him in a lot of ways. I loved him; what can I say? I didn't really care what his shortcomings were, except insofar as they seriously affected the relationship. His inability to communicate definitely was one; I harped on that for years.

 

And the harping? The same friend I mentioned above thinks the only major mistake I made in this relationship was not breaking up with him first, several years ago. Maybe I should have ended things when it seemed he was going to try nothing to find a way for us to be together, when he was the one with the money, etc. Or I should have ended it when he wouldn't apologize for repeating his mom's words to me back in 2004--so hurtful.

 

But you don't end a relationship at the first sign of trouble, do you? I didn't want to lose him; I loved him; I wanted the relationship to work out and I was willing to invest a lot of years and energy into making the relationship better.

 

I don't know what to think anymore.

[Zapbasket]

And you know what it also is? I feel guilty. So guilty. I think I am a very caring person and as I said once upthread I don't take any of my relationships lightly, and I really tried my best. But seemingly I didn't do a good enough job with listening to the communications he DID share with me. It's not like he never said ANYTHING. He felt a long time ago that somehow I was implying that HE had to be the one to change; I recorded in a journal entry several years ago that he'd said to me over the phone, "And what are you going to change FOR ME? You have all these things you want me to change FOR YOU, but what are YOU going to change for ME?" I admitted in this same journal entry that while I felt I was every day working to change for him, to really examine my artistic yearnings in thinking about what kind of burden that pursuit might place on him as my future husband, to make an effort to be more of a "rule-follower" like he is, to shape myself toward being ready to be a wife and a mother while still retaining core aspects of who I am, I felt he had a lot of growing to do because he never would join me in trying to make plans and decisions that would take our relationship to the next level.

 

So I feel guilty that he was right in picking up that I expected him to make a lot of changes for me. I feel guilty that I didn't really try, apparently, to learn his language, to let him have us talk less on the phone, etc. Instead I was ADAMANT that for this relationship to survive the long distance, we really needed to make sure to make time to have a REAL conversation every day. I was fully aware that couples who live nearby or together NEVER have this every day; it's impossible--but to my mind in a LDR seeing as you have nothing else that couples usually share together, you really have to keep in close contact through communication.

 

I tried, really I did...and I failed. He's gone off thinking I was a crappy girlfriend, thinking our relationship was just a misery, and I always thought I was someone who would make a wonderful girlfriend...and wife, and mother. It really hurts that he seemingly won't forgive me, and remains convinced that it was all my fault, that he did all the compromising while I did none.

[Fanny]

 

I tried, really I did...and I failed. He's gone off thinking I was a crappy girlfriend, thinking our relationship was just a misery, and I always thought I was someone who would make a wonderful girlfriend...and wife, and mother. It really hurts that he seemingly won't forgive me, and remains convinced that it was all my fault, that he did all the compromising while I did none.

 

If you walk away with fond memories and he only retains memories of misery, who is the fool? HE IS!

 

When some guy tells me that his last relationship sucked from start to finish I know that 1. This is how he will eventually talk about me, AND 2. That he is a moron.

[Zapbasket]

The longing and the missing, the wish that he would contact me, the urge to contact him (at this point I'm seriously tempted to go uptown to his building and wait at his doorway for him--not that I'll really do that, but the urge is huge)--all are absolutely unbearable.

[Interpersonal]

Are you ready to face the fact that he may have moved on? Contacting him now opens up the reality.

[I love hot men.]

 

But you don't end a relationship at the first sign of trouble, do you? I didn't want to lose him; I loved him; I wanted the relationship to work out and I was willing to invest a lot of years and energy into making the relationship better.

 

I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Honestly, though, a relationship built on real love doesn't require all the exhausting work and change you are talking about. He realized that he wasn't into the relationship that much, and it wasn't really fair to you to keep it going when he just wasn't really into it. Sorry, but that is what I'm seeing here.

[funkybassplayer]

Honestly, though, a relationship built on real love doesn't require all the exhausting work and change you are talking about. He realized that he wasn't into the relationship that much, and it wasn't really fair to you to keep it going when he just wasn't really into it. Sorry, but that is what I'm seeing here Quote

 

This is true, I was not 100 % in to my relationship basically because i felt i was not the no 1 in her life. in the end, i ended walking out of the house because of many issues regarding unsettled buissness in her previous marriage that she brought into this relationship, and expected me to just ignor, but when i offered the help and support she didnt want to know. Anyway i got back with her, and she ended it soon after, moving to a new fella. Its the kids that will suffer in the end. People who are not ready to commit are selfish to hang on to people that want the real deal, as i did. I got very hurt, and she just moved on without a care. Its not fair to mess with emotions of partners, and it was just plain selfishness to keep me when she knew i wanted to commit. The closest we got was talk of me moving up and in, but i would have had to sell my house and buy out the hubby, a risk i felt was too great for me, as i would have lost all, and she was still married.

[Interpersonal]

The first step is to come to terms with the fact that it is really over. You have to treat a break up like a death. You can't contact them, and you can't see them again and you can not look for that comfort of loosing them by being with them.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, Interpersonal, Funky, Ilovehotmen, and everyone. I'm trying, really. I'm trying to accept that it's truly over. But I'm having lately a really, really hard time--I don't know why now, all these months later, pain is really hitting me hard.

 

I don't know what to say; I don't have words for how badly I'm hurting. I never knew that someone could do this to another person. I couldn't do it. How does someone just sever a person out of their lives, never to see them again, and move on all fine and dandy with their lives? How can he do this?

 

I feel like I'm being punished in the most awful of ways--especially if you knew me you'd know that if you really want to hurt me, this is hands down the way to do it--and though I know I wasn't perfect I also know I sure as hell didn't deserve this.

 

How can this not sit heavy in HIS heart? How can you move forward knowing you dealt with someone close to you by just cutting them coldly out of your life? How can you trust YOURSELF to be in a relationship again? How can it not make you jaded? How can your friends and family not see what you did as what it is: cowardly, emotionally immature, etc.?

 

I just hurt so bad. I try to do all these brave things to move on, and nothing takes away the heavy ball of pain deep in my heart.

 

Does anyone think I'll EVER receive a phone call from this person, just in some effort to make things right? Surely you can't get away, if you are a highly intelligent, overall good and thinking persono, with running away from your interpersonal problems?

 

I mean, does it SOUND like I was truly that bad of a girlfriend?

 

I'm just really, really down. I could really use a boost.

[Interpersonal]

Have you ever read the book he is just not into you. (If not BUY IT)

There are a few things in there I always think about when I wonder If my ex will contact me.

1. In the age of cell phones, home phones and speed dial - if he wanted to phone you he would!

 

The other important thing to remember THEY are not punishing us WE are punishing ourselves.

[Bella_xx]

hey GreenCove,

 

I've been reading your thread and my heart goes out to you. I have been going through a similar thing to you at the moment, my ex and I broke up and he simply disappeared. He ignored my calls, texts, email, everything. I felt like I had never existed in his life, and meant nothing.

 

I completely empathise with feeling like you were being punished in the worst possible way. I kept asking myself what I had done to deserve what was happening, and I just couldn't believe that my ex could be so cold-hearted as to simply cut me out like that. I hate being in a bad way with any one, friends, family, exes etc, and he knew this. It was quite possibly the most horrible way he could have broken it off

 

It DID weigh heavily on him (he actually came back later, full of new promises and renewed feeling - only to leave two days later, but that's a different story), and I realise now that it wasn't any easier on him than it was on me, but he was hurting just as badly from the break too (as well as scared, and running from his problems), and that's how he had to deal with his confusion/anger/hurt etc, just like we employ NC.

 

It doesn't make it right, and yeah, it's absolutely horrible, but you can't change what's happened. With each day that comes, you might feel better than the day before, and you might feel worse. Ride out each emotion, and feel it, no matter how painful. I've recently had the first day where I've woken up, and felt good. I never thought I'd have that day.

 

You know what? I still love my ex very deeply, and maybe a part of me always will, but I'm slowly realising that he just wasn't the right one for me at this point in time. I have a lot left to give, and maybe he did me a favour in leaving me, because when the time is right for me and I want to date again, I will have a better idea of the things I want, and don't want both from my partner, and in the relationship.

 

You seem like a really lovely person, and my heart goes out to you, because I know how hard it is right now. You might not want to hear it right now, but eventually you'll get through this, and maybe even be thankful for it. Keep finding things to keep you busy, make lots of time to see friends and family, and of course visit here often!! I found LS and it's caring environment sooooooo helpful in coping with my break up.

 

Take care of yourself ok?! -Bella.

[I love hot men.]

Greencove, you weren't a bad girlfriend. It just wasn't meant to be with you and him longterm.

Breakups are never easy, especially for the person who is on the receiving end. Believe me, though, if he wanted to contact you, he would. He knows your nature and doesn't want to lead you on by calling you, even if he DID want to talk to you just to say hello or something.

He's Just Not That Into You IS a good book to read, also by the same author It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken offers really good insight to help you accept that it's over.

In a year, believe me, you will be thankful you didn't get married to this man.

[Zapbasket]

Bella, Interpersonal and Ilovehotmen, thank you for your replies. I wanted to respond to each and now, at 2am my time, I'm unable to sleep with tears streaming down my face, racked with regret.

 

Let me ask you this: Could you forgive your partner for getting so absorbed with their thesis (not out of passion for the project but out of confusion about career path, depression at being isolated at home, etc.) that s/he didn't visit you at your lovely home across the country nearly as much as s/he otherwise would have over a period of two years, or let you come visit him/her when you wanted to come? If you saw that they were having a really hard time, would you be able to understand and accept that?

 

What kills me is that so much angst arose out of our being so far apart, for so long. What hurts like hell is the fact that here we are, in the same city like we always wanted, and we may as well be on different galaxies. I would have sooner cut off all my fingers (a big deal for a once very serious classical string player) than ended this relationship without giving us time to adjust to being together all the time, doing things in the same city.

 

It makes me feel like my years with him were all a joke. And that my efforts with my thesis--major life questions I was struggling to answer--were all a waste, for I'd rather have him than any insignts I gained from that miserable experience.

 

Sorry to sound like such an Eeyore...but as I said at the start of this thread, I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is truly over, and he's going forward with his life with memories of me at basically the very lowest I'd ever been in my whole life. It kills me so much: I am an attractive woman, very well liked, I'm loving, I'm smart, full of humor and healthy irreverence, creative, dynamic...and he was with me while I was a pathetic loser living at home, with no money, no friends, and unable to finish my thesis. He saw a therapist briefly in 2005 and claimed that this therapist said to him, "So let me get this straight: Your girlfriend is 28 years old [as I was at the time], living at home, and can't finish her thesis?" I could have been such a wonderful girlfriend to him if I'd lived closer, if I'd not been going through such a difficult time in my life.

 

I'm sobbing now.... I just feel such remorse that I can't say to him how sorry I am...and be forgiven by being embraced by him and allowed to be his girlfriend again.

[polywog]

Oh GreenCove,

I just want to give you hugs and symapthy.... it's OK to be Eeyore. I'm suddenly going through a rough patch myself, after 6 months and much progress, and yet feeling sh**ty about it all of a sudden. I guess it's just part of healing, or whatever. Those extreme ups and downs... the downs suck.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? It helps.

 

Just give yourself permission to feel like this, because you Do. Grief has its own pace, I think. Anyhow, I hear you... and I'm feeling a similar way right now, despite many gains.

 

Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and know you have company.

[sao2]

This is something I wrote, I didn't intend for it to be read, but maybe it will help you see that you are not the only one feeling like you do

 

The worst is the wondering. Wondering whether you care. Wondering whether you still imagine me in my days. Wondering if I have become that someone "I used to go out with". Do I still even have my name? Am I a part of your past now?

 

My days pass and I wonder if I cross your mind. I imagine you living your post-"us" life dancing through the streets rejoicing and praising your freedom. How fair is that? You should get to wonder if I have moved on already!!!

 

At the same time I know this was the right decision for right now, even though it was your's and not mine.

 

I think you are a great person, I "don't doubt" how deep your feelings for me are, yet still you were a lousy partner.

 

It has only been 2 weeks, and ironically in that time you have yet to disappoint me. Yes, you left me heartbroken. Yes, I am left in a daze wondering if I could have done anything different. Wondering how I would approach an opportunity to try again if and when you decide that is what you want.

 

But thank you,

 

I no longer am disappointed when I haven't heard back from you. I felt at times like I asked for too much, but now I realize I wasn't. I just wanted to be shown that you were holding on. To be honest you weren't. You showed more urgency to visit Cuba then to visit me. Granted Cuba is lovely(I hear).

 

I no longer feel like a fool for holding on to someone that didn't make me feel like they wanted to hold on to me. I felt like I had to take a number for your time.

 

When it comes down to it, you were not ready to be involved with somebody. As you liked to say, "I am an unfinished product"

 

That is not a crime. You can not be held at fault for not wanting to let go of something with so much potential. You can not be held at fault for letting go when you didn't feel "strong enough". I have in fact done the same thing to someone else, perhaps this is karma biting me in the ass.

 

Everyday it hurts less and everyday it hurts more. In the mornings I move on. At lunch I imagine walking along my beach with you and am ready to break down.

 

I want you to know in this I don't blame you for why this went the way it did. You never lied to me about how you felt and what you were ready for. You said your feelings were deep, but that you weren't ready to feel this way.

 

Like a fool I thought I could make you fall in love with me enough so that it wouldn't matter.

 

So I walk away(more like pushed away), lick my wounds and hope one day you will "come back to me". If not, I am that much wiser.

Goodbye my love,

PP

[I love hot men.]

Since he wasn't visiting you that much when you were apart and you made all the efforts in the relationship pretty much, he wasn't that into you, even a long time ago.

Also, I reallly think that you two are not compatible. I notice you always infuse things into your post to sort of "toot your own horn" : working on finishing my "thesis" comes up a lot in this thread, and now you add the cutting off your fingers analogy and have to throw in that you once were an accomplished classical string player. That comment made me laugh out loud because cutting off ANYONE'S fingers would be a BIG DEAL to them, whether they had played strings or not, so you are saying that your pain is so much more than others who have experienced a painful breakup. I get the feeling he may have tired of being reminded constantly of your successes.

As far as the therapist's comment "she is 28 years old and living at home" well, some therapists repeat things that the client has stated to make sure it is clear. I think your bf took it wrong. I lived at home for three years with my mother when I was going to grad. school to save money on room and board. I also moved in with my grandma a few years later for a year when I was between careers. So that obviously doesn't make anyone a loser, and the ex's therapist wasn't saying that.

As far as forgiving this guy for his actions....guess what, he's not in your life anymore, so your best revenge is living well and finding a better guy who is more compatible for you. Your ex doesn't care if he's "forgiven" or not, it's been half a year since he broke up with you, he's over it.

Your best closure was when he stated: I do not want a relationship with you. At first, I thought his repeating of that line was very harsh, but now I understand why he might have had to proceed like that with you, because you won't accept what's black and white in front of you.

I'm sorry you're suffering, but this guy doesn't want you in your life and your focus needs to be moving on with your life without him.

I really think seeing a therapist will help. It helped me with my bad breakup. I was in just as much pain as you. Having the therapist tell me how great of a person I was and how I would find someone else who was better for me, and accomplish all my goals in life, really helped!

In the meantime, I would work on the "tooting my own horn" issue, because I really don't think that the fact you were "writing a thesis" (I have a Masters, and I wrote one, also), and stuff like that over and over again to validate what a great person you are to others....I think that will hamper you in relationships in that you are trying to hard to "sell" yourself to the other person as to how great you are and how stupid they would be to dump you like your ex did.

[Zapbasket]

Ilovehotmen, I really think you misread my post. First of all, talking about taking over two years to finish a thesis for master's program that lasted the same length of time is hardly tooting my horn. The fact was, I took two years to write a thesis, and felt deeply ashamed about that fact. Mentioning the word "thesis" is not bragging; it was what I was doing. Furthermore, I don't think my partner took that as bragging, given he finished a mathematics PhD at one of the world's top universities in 4 years by the age of 26. I was 26 when I finished my BA.

 

Secondly, my mentioning cutting off my fingers is hardly my saying my pain is greater than anyone else's. It happened to be the analogy that popped into my mind, because my fingers happen to be very important to me; if you're a surgeon or a musician and you lose a finger it IS a big deal as it pretty much ceases your accustomed source of livelihood. So let me change the analogy: I'd sooner cut off my LEG than have lost my partner. Okay?

 

Also, please read my post again. I wasn't asking how I can forgive HIM, but how he could ever forgive ME. I'm hurting because I feel so badly that I was at the LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE (whoa big bragging there that's some serious horn tooting there folks!) AND COULD NOT GIVE THE LOVE I HAD TO GIVE. And? He didn't visit me because I would not let him. I also said that in my post. If you'd read it, you'd have gotten that.

 

Please read my post before you launch into a criticism of the character of one whom you do not know. I'm really feeling down and could use SUPPORT, and while I appreciate objective commentary that might hurt to hear but still is necessary to hear, your comments indicate that you weren't reading the words right in front of you.

[hurtandbetrayed]

I think you may be being a little unduly harsh on GreenCove, to be honest. She is describing what was going on in her life at the time of this devastating loss, and the main issue in her life was obviously her thesis. I have repeated over and over again that when my Ex left me last month, it was on the cusp of us moving in together. That is not to brag that we were moving in together, it was just the most important thing going on in my life at the time of the loss. So I might ease up on the characterization of GreenCove of 'tooting her own horn'. I don't think that is the issue and certainly don't think you can assume that is why they broke up.

 

In the end, only he really knows why it ended, and you have to accept that you may never fully understand his reasons. Believe me, I empathize when I hear you poring over any mistakes or errors that you had in the past to determine WHY or HOW this person, that you loved more than anything, walked away from love. When a relationship ends suddenly, with no warning, the past is all you have.

 

However, no matter what your mistakes or picadillos, no matter WHAT you have done wrong, you need to understand that, in the end, HE committed the gravest sin to your relationship, NOT YOU. HE WALKED AWAY, and that is much worse than any mistakes you may have made. HE never had the balls to come out and say "Green Cove, when you do XYZ it makes me feel XYZ, and it is a threat to our relationship. If this doesn't change, it's over". And if he had a problem with your relationship that he knew could have been sufficiently problematic to END it, he owed it to you to state that plainly, and to give the relationship a chance to come out better and stronger. And he didn't. He told you he wanted to be with you forever and then dumped you days later. THAT is the reality of this man's character.

 

Wanting to talk on the phone too much? I would take that flaw in a relationship over someone who doesn't have the balls to communicate how he feels ANY day. When my ex and I were long distance, he told me very clearly once that he was unhappy how little contact we had. So guess what? I accomodated him, even to my own inconvenience, because that is what mature people do.

 

I know this may be difficult, but what you need to do right now is try to find anger over this situation. BELIEVE me when I tell you that I know how tough this is, as I only feel overwhelming pain and sorrow when I think about my relationship ending, but you HAVE to move past that, and the self-blame that comes with it, and find ANGER, it is a much more useful emotion for you right now. Heck, FAKE it, if you have to, I did, and it will make you feel SO MUCH BETTER. Instead of going over the list of things you did wrong, you need to make a list of all the ways he HURT you, and disappointed you, AND (and this part made me feel guilty, but better) any of his flaws. A good start for your list will read:

 

Toasted that we would be together forever, dumped me days later

Told me hurtful things that happened in his therapy session

Not enough COURAGE or BALLS to clearly express the severity of any problems he was having in our relationship

 

And that is a fine start. I'm sure that you are reluctant (because you are still so in love) to share with us the hurtful actions and shortcomings of his, but I know they are there and you need to focus on THOSE now. NOT because that is what he is doing for you (I thought that this is what my ex was doing to our relationship, but believe me-especially with the passage of time he is reflecting on both the good and bad), but because you need to locate a wondeful thing that can be found in all of us - righteous indignation.

 

Despite what your worst fears may be telling you, it is highly unlikely that he has deigned your relationship as a 'bad one' and only now looking at the negative aspects. To the contrary, time and distance often gives us the perspective we need to see the faults AND the strengths of a relationship, and I can guaruntee that the good times and happiness probably goes through his mind as often as the bad times.

 

You have to accept that the only person's actions or feelings you can influence at this point are your own. You cannot make him miss you, or change his mind, or see the error of his ways. That is not in your power. What is in your power is to better yourself as much as possible, and work on the issues that you have discovered (after much introspection) that you would like to improve, for your next relationship (whether it be with someone else, yourself, or him).

 

You really want to contact him. Try to determine exactly WHY that is. You may just be curious how he is doing, but I suspect you have a particular outcome that you would like from the contact: to be back with him or at least back in his life. Try to evaluate how you will feel if your desired outcome does not happen. Remember, you can only control YOUR actions, not his. Will you feel better, or worse, if you face the same cold, distant, unfeeling, dismissive man he proved himself to be when he wrote you that letter?

[brokensunglasses]

Two things are going on, and have been, either this guy is going through a lot of anguish, or he emotionally left you long before he physically did. I broke off from my gf because it was the best thing to do, but that doesn't mean I am not hurt by how broken hearted I left her, or the things I've heard her say to her friends since the break up, or how she told me she'll always love me despite the opposite actions she took during our time together. You break up because it's already broken; an ex is an ex for a reason. After a long relationship, the severing of your lives is a very painful void. As much as I want to contact my ex, I know it's pouring salt on the wound. I would avoid contacting this person, write on here or call your friends instead. Nights alone suck. Re-entering the dating world sucks. Making yourself vulnerable is terrifying after these experiences. Gaining closure is our way of trying to make sense of the pain, but closure never comes through awkward phone calls or uncomfortable coffee get-togethers. Closure comes when you stop thinking about the pain and begin realizing why the move was made. Best.

[Zapbasket]

I completely empathise with feeling like you were being punished in the worst possible way. I kept asking myself what I had done to deserve what was happening, and I just couldn't believe that my ex could be so cold-hearted as to simply cut me out like that. I hate being in a bad way with any one, friends, family, exes etc, and he knew this. It was quite possibly the most horrible way he could have broken it off

 

Thanks for your lovely post, Bella. I cannot imagine how awful it must have been to have lost your partner once, and then have your greatest hopes fulfilled--he came back!--only to have him leave all over again with renewed conviction that his first act was the right one. I'm so sorry.

 

Yeah, the feeling of being punished in the worse possible way. It's like someone putting limits on how much you can grow in the future, on where your life and heart could take you, on how much you could expand. It's like they've said, "What you are today is what you will always be." That's why I have this protest that keeps boiling up in me: "But...I was LOST in my life the past several years! I was MISERABLE, and had NO MONEY, and wasn't keeping in touch with my friends and was LONELY! That is NOT ME! It was a BAD PERIOD IN MY LIFE, not WHO I AM!" And he looked at that whole period and said to himself, "All this that she has exhibited during this time is who she is...AND I DON'T WANT THIS IN MY LIFE FOR THE LONG HAUL."

 

I mean, do you guys think it's possible in a committed relationship to encounter a hard time that causes you to be unable to be on your best behavior, and have your partner truly understand and stand by you? I've not experienced it yet, I guess. Ironically, one of the reasons I wouldn't let him visit me is that I didn't want him to see just how unhappy I was. Partly, I'll admit, it was because of stupid pride, but partly it was because I was afraid of overwhelming him if he saw with his own eyes the extent of my unhappiness and confusion. I was trying both to protect him (and by extension, the relationship), as well as my own ego.

 

It feels like a punishment, I think, because we all fear to some extent that if people saw how we really are inside, they might not want to be our friend/partner/etc. And a bad breakup like what you and I had, Bella, confirms that. You think?