Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]This weekend was really awful for me emotionally. I felt worse than I’ve felt in a while, since my breakup of 6 months ago and NC for over 4 months. I need people’s input because I’m thinking of contacting my partner, and I want to be sure if I do it I’m doing the right thing and not the pathetic or disrespectful or futile thing. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This may be long; I’m sorry.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I’ve posted several times about my 5-year relationship and its sudden and unpleasant demise. The last communication between us was on February 13, when after a month of trying to contact my partner to discuss things, he sent me an awful e-mail that included such sword-thrusts as “Given that I have said it’s over, and not wanting to discuss things with you, I have no obligation to discuss things with you”; “I am no longer your best friend, so you can’t count on me for support”; [one of 4 reasons given for why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me] “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you”; “I request that you stop contacting me.” [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Since then I’ve gone through reams and reams of guilt and self-blame (he blamed me for everything in the end) and this awful sense of being…severed. Resentments had piled up miles high between us in the last 1.5 years of our relationship, and we couldn’t communicate effectively and so they piled up more…and when he moved to my city this fall after 3 years long distance, it was like we never made contact with each other, there was so much resentment between us and all we did was argue, without ever getting to the bottom of any issues. I felt like I’d become a screaming banshee, I was so angry and hurt, and he was this stone of uncommunicativeness, which exacerbated the situation. I said terrible things. I think of those things when I feel sad about the break up, because I feel like I deserved to be dumped so suddenly and cruelly, even though my friends all think I was too patient and I had reason to be very angry. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]This was how things were left between us. What makes me ache so badly is that underneath all that resentment, at least on my part, was a lot of love. I thought he was a beautiful human being, and I had every intention of staying with him through the long haul…including this period of awful resentment, which I attributed to the combination of our both moving to be together, both of us finding new jobs and getting started, me finishing my thesis, all at once. I miss him profoundly and can’t believe that after 5 years and a lot of mutual investment we could just be done with each other and never make effort to see each other again. I work just 20 blocks away from him. I live just a few subway stops away (unbeknownst to him, as I moved to this apt. only last month). I love him, I always loved him, and I want to tell him that. I want to ask if we can meet and talk about things now that some time has passed. I want to tell him that I would be interested in feeling out the possibility of getting back together. I can’t go on like this, and just let it all slip through my fingers without my having tried. He was the one I loved—and I mean that. I don’t take any of my relationships lightly. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So…do you think this is a bad idea? I wrote a much better post before this one, and my session timed out and I lost the whole thing. But I hope this just opens up a conversation. I want him to know that I was angry for a reason and not because I didn’t want to be with him. Help? Please?[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I’m so very sad…. [/FONT][/sIZE]
funkybassplayer Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 This is going to be hard, but unless your prepeared for the same again, i think that recontacting him is a huge mistake. If you ended it badly, i dought weather now he will give you tha chance to vent your own guilt. But these things happen, and life can be unbelivably cruel, in that you love someone so much and they leave you for whatever reason. My ex and her 3 kids left me, and is in a new relationship and im not allowed any contact, and she so much wanted to stay friends after but changed her mind as soon as the new guy (onlt 2 weeks after the split came along) This crushed me inside, and im still 2 months on waking up feeling crap. . she has changed her mobile and i cant even text to text hi. Its tearing me apart, but the more i try the more it will hurt, so best just leave it and try to work on yourself and he is now in the past. If they want to talk to us, they know how to find us. An ex, yes maybe you lost it,, but we all do. you dont feel bad for that. What if you call and he has a new G/f how will that make you feel. The risks are just to high, You have to let it go and move on. Good luck. At the end all of us will end up in the same place, 6 ft under, so try to move on and find a new love, then maybe one day you can pick up the phone to him, tell him your feelings and whatever he says,, it wont matter anymore because you have moved on. Good luck.
Author Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 I hear you, fbp, but why not write him and tell him my feelings NOW, when there could still be a chance to save our relationship? He is very stubborn and he was very hurt and in my gut I just don't feel he really wanted to end the relationship but just didn't know what to do. If it's really over, then it's really over, but I don't want to find out 10 years from now that things might have been different if I'd put my neck out and tested the waters once more. Surely no one wants to throw away 5 years when you're both 30, no? The thing is, also, that I always was the one to initiate conversations and there's no precedent of him making the first contact after a conflict. It was always me. So how can I be sure his silence at this point really is because he is totally done with me, forever?
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 I'm really torn and could use as much sage advice as I can get--IRL and from you guys on this site. On the one hand, it feels RIGHT to contact him now: enough time has passed that it's likely the negative feelings have relaxed their hold somewhat, but not enough time has passed where it's highly possible he's deep into another meaningful relationship or has built his life up airtight from poignant memories of me. On the other hand, as all my friends tell me, HE needs to be the one to do some work if he wants this relationship at all, even if it's a deeply buried and pissed-on wish inside his heart. I always was the communicator and the emotional relationship-temperature-taker, the initiator...whereas he was the harborer of resentments, even when I sniffed them out and waved them before his face, begging for explanation. What's so confusing though is that it's possible on his end that he and his friends see ME as the one who didn't put my share of work into the relationship: I was the one buried in my thesis, I was the one who refused to move out west to his homecity and the one who did not move into the apartment we found together. I fear that to my less-psychologically-attuned partner, he's summed things up in his mind as my not wanting him, when nothing could be further from the truth, as has become increasingly clear to me as time and NC have gone on. What's become clear to me in these months is the extent of my absolute sincerity--and the fact that I felt unsafe with him as he subtly 'got me' at my weakest points at that time in our relationship--1) my yearning to be part of a loving family such as his, and 2) the fact that I was destitute in the final days of my thesis-writing and could not afford to pay rent in the place we'd found together (though I absolutely intended to as soon as I found my job and saved up a little). I can't just ride off into my lonely sunset and leave him to his sunset without being sure he really knows how much I loved him, and knows that he in essence drove me away. He may know these things, but I don';t know for certain that he does. Yes, part of the motivation for writing is the hope that we could reconcile and resume our relationship on firmer footing after all those years of long distance. And no, I'm not sure that I could handle another nasty rebuff very well--but if I do receive a nasty rebuff that says something about his character that would make me think twice about idealizing him as my desired life partner. How do I handle this impulse? Do I go for it? Please advise; I'm very unclear about what's best to do.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Do what feels right for you. If you decide to contact him, you know the drill. He could reject you again and you'll be left at square one, possibly in the negative digits. Personally, I wouldn't contact him. If he wanted to, he knows your number. You really, really need to move on. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be, no matter how you want them to or how great they appear on paper. Good luck GC.
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks, Trialbyfire...but don't you think mostly it's not that things are meant to be or not meant to be but that rather, if you know you want something, though you can't control the outcome you certainly can place yourself in a likelier position for you to get what you want? I mean, yes, of course he knows my number and that's what's kept me silent these past 4-plus months, that, and the unbelieveable coldness of his e-mail. I want to move on, I have taken serious steps to move on (got my own apartment in the city where I was supposed to be living with him, got a stellar job review and a raise, reconnected with old friends, took up photography, started a new workout regimen, completed a children's book writing course, took several trips by myself to do activities that we used to do together [skiing, hiking], entered therapy to help me process the breakup, etc.). But in my heart I cannot move on, because I really did love him and want to marry him. As my own anger has subsided, that has become crystal clear to me; I knew it deep down all along, but in the heightened angst of the last months of our relationship, anger and hurt overwhelmed the other feelings temporarily. So being true to myself involves acknowledging that my heart is with him, and being "realistic" involves, on the other hand, acknowledging that in the absence of any encouragement from him I have no choice but to keep trying like hell to move on. From hearing the relationship stories of my friends, my friends' friends, and people on this site, however, I know that when your heart if fixed on something, despite every rational step you take, your heart won't uncleave itself from its chosen object. I've heard too many stories lately of people getting engaged to someone they cared for, yes, but someone they didn't really LOVE in that in-love way, because in truth they loved someone else (usually an ex) who was unavailable to them. I'm really too emotionally honest for my own good, perhaps, as I cannot see myself living that way. This is the crux of my dilemma. That, and the doubt that while yes, he knows my number, he, too, might not want to stick his neck out in contacting me as for all he knows I'm so angry at him I'd tell him to go to hell. As it is I fear that part of the reason he broke up with me is that he thought my angry behavior towards him indicated a lack of desire to be with him--feeling that, why WOULD he stick his neck out, even if he wanted to? Perhaps I give him too much credit? Of course a reconciliation would mean most to me if HE initiated it, given that our principal relationship problem is that he was so passive-aggressive and never got down and dirty to work with me to solve our [perfectly resolvable] conflicts. His contacting me instead of the other way around woudl constitute a role reversal, which would be deliciously refreshing. A part of me thinks this way: that if my constantly seeking communication didn't work in the relationship, if anything is going to inspire him to come back it will be my silence, and so as hard as it is I should let it alone and concentrate on positive advances in my life, acknowledging that of course in me there is the hope that he will contact me. It's just that that hope feels like a very insidious thing and I fear if I maintain silence, I'm going to go forward with this unresolved hole in my heart that will make its presence known fully only when I am in the heat of a new, serious relationship. That frightens me.
underpants Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I think you are leaning towards contacting him. I don't know much of your history with this relationship. I get from this post that he is hurting too and guarding his own heart. Do you want him back? Are you sure? If you are not then don't contact him just to hash out past stuff and try to be friends or to alleviate any guilt. If you do really and genuinely want another chance with him. I think you could send a final letter, stating clearly that this is what you would like and if he declines you wish him the very best. Then the ball is in his court and he can decide what is in his best interest. If he gets ugly then I would just leave it be. Good luck, Unders
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 lol unders--as you can see from every time I post on this dang site, brevity is not exactly my forte! Under a PAGE? How do I fit in: I miss you, it's clear to me that you are the person I want, I was indeed very angry at you and it's because you pushed me away at crucial times when we could have been together and you did this TWICE in very hurtful ways, I never had intention of leaving you even in the midst of all the frustration, I'm sorry that I unleashed so much anger on you this fall especially and I wish you'd give us another chance. Can I really say all that snap! just like that?
polywog Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hi GC, I understand your desire to write him, believe me... I have had fantasies about doing the same with my ex (I think you know my story, you and I lost our LTRs around the same time and you posted on my threads). ....But I think you'd really be better off Not contacting him, hard as that is. Other wise posters on LS have said something that has really hit home; that we can never really know why we were left, and that we are wasting our energy analyzing it. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it's helped me to move forward. It's almost like trying to figure out why someone we love died unexpectedly. It's unfair and devastating, but it just Is, and we have to accept it. Like you, I loved my ex so deeply that it's been a huge trial to get over him, and I'm not quite there yet, but I'm healing. I also hold out hope on some level that we might reconcile, but I let that thought hover around in a little bubble while I move on as if it won't happen, because... well, it probably won't, and even if he wanted to, I don't even know if I'd want it now. Maybe you'd feel the same way, if you really thought about it. In my case, I'm not young, and have been in love, and married, before... I thought this was IT, but it ended, and it sucks, but I have accepted it (mostly) because I just need to go forward. Time really has healed me, but I know it will take more time to get through to the other side. I've made real efforts lately to avoid my ex (hard, because we share a beloved dog that I've chosen not to visit for the time being, plus my old cat still lives at his house...and it's a very small town). The day will come when I can fetch my aged cat (I will have a new place to move into in a few months) and get my dog for a long visit. But for now, I have chosen to concentrate on doing things that make me strong and happy; my friends, my art career, the outdoors/nature/hiking/swimming/fishing, I've started to cook and entertain again, I'm persuing my passions and it's making me strong and happy. It's exponential (sp?)... the stronger I get, the more energy I have to make myself stronger and happier. You, I hope, will do the same. Contacting the ex is risky for your soul and heart. Remember, please, that he asked you Not to contact him. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why he did this. And please, also, respect his request, without the second guessing, just take it at face value. TBF said to follow your gut on this. I do agree despite my caveats, but first sit and think for a while about what is best, and be very honest and brave with yourself.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 One thing I wanted to state, when I let my ex go, it was the most freeing experience of my life. I felt like there was a billion tons of weight lifted from my shoulders. It doesn't mean that if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't run him over and then back up and do it again though... Don't let someone drag you down. Life is too short to dwell on the past.
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks so much, Poly, for the lovely wise words and I'm glad you're doing a bit better. My gut does say to contact him, but it's a soap-bubble-skinned notion as I'm aware of the emotional downfall it could cause me. And...and you brought this up and this is the major source of confusion for me...I'm aware that it could greatly upset the recipient, as well. But: don't requests not to contact someone, etc. have a way of "expiring" over time? Listening to my gut, I don't feel he can really only have had negative thoughts about me in these months of silence, and I'm sure he has had moments or stretches of time when he's missed me just a little, or a memory of me. I know that when I have had to cut off communjication with someone, once I've had a chance to have my space I'm actually GLAD if the person ventures to contact me. Can't that be the case here? Especially as I know he's probably very surprised not to have heard from me, as it is unprecedented that his severing of communication (he used to hang up on me) would result in my acquiescing silence. Hope you get your beloved pets back soon....
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 One thing I wanted to state, when I let my ex go, it was the most freeing experience of my life. I felt like there was a billion tons of weight lifted from my shoulders. It doesn't mean that if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't run him over and then back up and do it again though... Don't let someone drag you down. Life is too short to dwell on the past. So true...but then again, the past dwells IN us, whether we dwell ON it or not. Somehow I feel that the only way I can get to the freeing experience of letting go, if indeed that is where I need to go, is by facing head-on the depths of just how much I cared and still care. I do feel like this is teaching me a lot, and I'm thinking that maybe the lesson I can learn from this all is that sometimes you need to know when to just let go--and that letting go isn't lazy or callous but rather a reflection of your trust in balance in the universe and humble awareness of how little control any of us really has over anything. That runs through my mind, and crosses paths with this: Sometimes you just have to take a risk. You make friends, you mend bridges, by putting yourself out there for the taking or leaving. But then THAT gets met with, "Well, perhaps in this case the big risk is your careful silence. That leaves things wide open for him to continue as he said he intended to continue--i.e., 'I'm detaching myself, and moving on'--or to come to a point of clarity that he DOES want to work things out and he DOES want me in his life. Sooooo hard to decide. The last thing I want to do is to put more words out there that wind up doing more damage....
underpants Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 lol unders--as you can see from every time I post on this dang site, brevity is not exactly my forte! Under a PAGE? How do I fit in: I miss you, it's clear to me that you are the person I want, I was indeed very angry at you and it's because you pushed me away at crucial times when we could have been together and you did this TWICE in very hurtful ways, I never had intention of leaving you even in the midst of all the frustration, I'm sorry that I unleashed so much anger on you this fall especially and I wish you'd give us another chance. Can I really say all that snap! just like that? You managed to say it all in a paragraph. This is a generalization, but men don't want to read a romance novel. They want facts they can work with and don't want to hear alot of issue ladden stuff. Less is more. My suggestion for under a page was not directed at the length of your posts, just my suggestion to say what you want to briefly. .......If I may....edit your well written paragraph: I miss you, it's clear to me that you are the person I want. I'm sorry that I unleashed so much anger on you this fall especially and I wish you'd give us another chance. I am hopeful that we could open a dialog and work on communicating better with each other. If you could see yourself open to this then I would love to hear from you. If not, I understand and will not interrupt your life again. Love, You ...................... You might want to get a guy's opinion on the content. Regards, Unders
polywog Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks so much, Poly, for the lovely wise words and I'm glad you're doing a bit better. My gut does say to contact him, but it's a soap-bubble-skinned notion as I'm aware of the emotional downfall it could cause me. And...and you brought this up and this is the major source of confusion for me...I'm aware that it could greatly upset the recipient, as well. But: don't requests not to contact someone, etc. have a way of "expiring" over time? Listening to my gut, I don't feel he can really only have had negative thoughts about me in these months of silence, and I'm sure he has had moments or stretches of time when he's missed me just a little, or a memory of me. I know that when I have had to cut off communjication with someone, once I've had a chance to have my space I'm actually GLAD if the person ventures to contact me. Can't that be the case here? Especially as I know he's probably very surprised not to have heard from me, as it is unprecedented that his severing of communication (he used to hang up on me) would result in my acquiescing silence. Hope you get your beloved pets back soon.... Ah, GC... your gut could just be telling you something. If you go for it, and why not try despite my long post, you always have us here to put salve on your wound if you have one, so... hey... maybe I'll be in your shoes someday, just go with (what seems like) the flow....nothing ventured, nothing gained.... or "no pain, no gain"..... (My pets will be with me soon enough, thanks for the comment!) Keep us posted.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 So true...but then again, the past dwells IN us, whether we dwell ON it or not. Somehow I feel that the only way I can get to the freeing experience of letting go, if indeed that is where I need to go, is by facing head-on the depths of just how much I cared and still care. I do feel like this is teaching me a lot, and I'm thinking that maybe the lesson I can learn from this all is that sometimes you need to know when to just let go--and that letting go isn't lazy or callous but rather a reflection of your trust in balance in the universe and humble awareness of how little control any of us really has over anything. That runs through my mind, and crosses paths with this: Sometimes you just have to take a risk. You make friends, you mend bridges, by putting yourself out there for the taking or leaving. But then THAT gets met with, "Well, perhaps in this case the big risk is your careful silence. That leaves things wide open for him to continue as he said he intended to continue--i.e., 'I'm detaching myself, and moving on'--or to come to a point of clarity that he DOES want to work things out and he DOES want me in his life. Sooooo hard to decide. The last thing I want to do is to put more words out there that wind up doing more damage.... I use to believe in "what ifs" and "one person for me". Now I couldn't be bothered to wonder about something that was a waste of my energy. You need to start looking outwards. There are a ton of available men out there who will treat you right. If not the next, possibly the next one afterwards, who knows. In order to find the better guys for you, you need to let go of something that's gone. Even if you get back with him, it will never be the same.
polywog Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 You managed to say it all in a paragraph. This is a generalization, but men don't want to read a romance novel. They want facts they can work with and don't want to hear alot of issue ladden stuff. Less is more. My suggestion for under a page was not directed at the length of your posts, just my suggestion to say what you want to briefly. .......If I may....edit your well written paragraph: I miss you, it's clear to me that you are the person I want. I'm sorry that I unleashed so much anger on you this fall especially and I wish you'd give us another chance. I am hopeful that we could open a dialog and work on communicating better with each other. If you could see yourself open to this then I would love to hear from you. If not, I understand and will not interrupt your life again. Love, You ...................... You might want to get a guy's opinion on the content. Regards, Unders Unders, I think you could have a prolific, successful career as a ghost writer of "contact" letters to exes. That was good. But then, I'm a girl, so I am waiting to hear what the guys think, too.
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Okay. I haven't decided whether to go ahead with this, but I *have* decided to give it serious consideration--serious enough to make it a sort of project for the next couple of days, as I weigh the pros and cons of following through with this. Thanks for your help, everyone, and please keep your advice coming as I want to make the best decision--something that is quite hard when so many emotions are involved, and when my intuition is giving me polar opposite signals all at once. I need as much help as I can get. I drew up a list of pros and cons to contacting him and here's what I came up with: PROS. Writing him will... --eliminate doubt that we might have rectified things if only I'd ventured to contact him --remove any doubt in his mind that I really loved him and wanted to be with him --solicit the possibility of a better resolution, regardless of whether we get back together --save face in my own eyes by affirming my sincerity in wanting to be with him --constitute an action on the possibility that he broke up with me because he feared that in truth I didn't want to be with him, and thus make him feel relieved and happy --enable me to take a further step towards moving on, because I've eliminated the doubt regarding the permanence of this breakup and estrangement --constitute an act of being true to myself and to how I feel ---constitute an act on the desires of a healthy part of me, that is caring, loyal, sincere, mature, and courageous And then there are the cons, many of which directly oppose some of the items above. That's what is so confusing; never has my intuition nudged me in such opposite directions. CONS. Writing him will... --anger him by reopening his wounds --create the possibility that he'll see my letter as proof I haven't changed, and in relation to me he'll always be overwhelmed and overburdened by my emotional and communicative intensity --destroy the possibility that he *will* contact me when he's ready...and he needed to feel he was the one to initiate contact after being able to take the space he needed to sort out his mind and emotions --destroy the possibility of my having the tremendous gratification of HIM initiating for once, and if we were to reconcile, of laying the groundwork for a more mutual relationship (as opposed to me always operating as Relationship Manager--I could have a true PARTNER in the relationship) --come off as controlling, trying to force the outcome --come off as cruelly disrespectful of his request that I not contact him --set myself way back in the moving on department by risking a nasty response from him, or no response, or a cold, impersonal response --constitute my ignoring "the obvious"--that he's not contacting me and so he must truly have decided he doesn't want me --constitute my NOT being true to myself by not listening to what I need: a partner who accepts me wholly and who does his part to work out issues that arise in the relationship rather than say nothing and quietly resent me --represent an act on the desires of an *unhealthy* part of me, that can't accept loss and rejection So you see what my trouble is. Totally opposite impulses! Sometimes I feel very close to him, as though I can just SEE him being as sad as I am, as regretful as I am, as hoping for reconciliation as I am. Other times, I feel very far from him, as though the silence tells me in no uncertain terms that he DOES NOT WANT ME and isn't even feeling an iota of what I'm feeling. I really don't want to screw up. Reading my lists, what are your impressions? I don't want to talk myself out of doiing something just because I'm afraid of the outcome...but I also don't want to do something that's just wrong on every level. Thoughts? Thanks:love:
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 One thing I feel I should mention: We both are 30 and began this relationship when we both were 25. So when we began, we really were not yet of an age (in our milieus) to get married, and both of us were in the thick of sorting out our career paths and experiencing a lot of self-doubt and confusion. We both, therefore, tolerated more distance, etc. than I think we would have tolerated at a more 'stable' stage of our lives (if one ever *really* reaches such a stage???). Also for both of us this was our first truly serious relationship, conducted for 3 years long distance, with phone calls every evening, and no cheating (we're both very good about that). Both of us were marriage-minded--he probably moreso than me as I was deep into a thesis on Virginia Woolf and questioning very actively what it means to be a woman in our society and what limitations I have / don't have to accept. Now that we're 30, I think...well, speaking only for myself, I feel like things that were reasonable to tolerate at 25 (for example, him finishing his PhD and deciding, without consulting me, who had been with him for 1.5 years at that point, to take a job across the country where he grew up), I wouldn't tolerate now, or if I did, I'd manage it all much better than I did, not knowing. Just thought our ages might matter in terms of how this relationship appears to outsiders.
tinke Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 do what feels right, this moment will not come again. one thing to consider though...four months is not too soon for him to be in a serious relationship. for some, yes, but not for all. i know several MEN who have jumped into another relationship very quickly, it must take the mind off the ex, etc. and then, some are just ready to move on to something new. from an outsider's view, it appears that your mind is made up to send the letter and seeking validation. i say this because as the replies came rolling in, you seemed quick to debate opposing views. unfortunately, no one can predict the outcome. ask yourself...would you be comfortable running into him again after the letter had been sent and he ignored it? just a thought. 4 months is quite the accomplishment, it is risky to go back to square one. but i must say, i would hope in 6 months you would be thinking of how to continue without him, not hold onto the past memories. that will keep you stuck. can i ask, why now? why the interest for the letter 6 mo. later? it seems that after that time period, if he really wanted to, he knows how to reach you. if it would help bring some closure for you, and you are prepared for any outcome, and it would finally put thinmgs to rest in your mind to let him know how you feel, (but with knowing you may have to continue on without him), send a short note. BUT...that's it! i would have to suggest, if you send the note and still no response, that is your answer...leave him alone as he requested.
underpants Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Green Cove, It sounds as though you are indeed struggling. 4 months NC is just about the time (sometimes) when partners are forced to embrace the realities of the other not ever coming back. This mixed with finishing school, entering your 30s, all makes for some growing pains. Your pro/con list. Well, the cons outnumber the pros, so there is that. You seem to be very analytical and want to really think about all the choices you have before you. I do my fair share of obsessing, especially when things are not good. However, sometimes too much analysis can be unhealthy and draining on you and on a partner. I am glad your relationship with this man did not include any major deceptions such as cheating or abuse. That I could not personally condone trying again with. However, communication and mutual respect are very important. I guess, what I am getting at is....If he came back and made no changes would you still be glad you took him back? You can think it all, analyse it all, but if he never in those 5 years gave your concerns consideration, then I just don't know. However, if you always wanted to analyse the relationship to death, then well, you see....now I am confused. I guess, the decision to contact him or not should at the very least wait for a bit longer until your pro/con list is not so long on either side. We are here for you. Whatever happens, you are a smart lady and I am sure you will come out okay. Personally I am glad this thread has been bumped up cause I would like to see some men weigh in on this.
Author Zapbasket Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 However, sometimes too much analysis can be unhealthy and draining on you and on a partner. Yes, I did grow prone to over-analyzing the relationship. While it *is* a tendency--perhaps even a passion--of mine to pay close attention to the dynamics of all my relationships (I definitely am a psychologist at heart), in the case of this relationship, as I've had time to reflect it becomes clearer to me that my wheels started to spin futilely after lots of problems arose (stemming from the long distance, mostly), and not only was my partner not communicative--he very obviously had difficulty confronting and discussing relationship issues. He would continually avoid difficult topics, leaving me always to feel a) alone in trying to uphold our relationship (though he was consistent, reliable, and devoted in other ways), and b) like a nag. During the LDR phase of the relationship, I felt anxious about my career, anxious because I missed him, and I felt determined to be sure I was always "on" for the relationship, ready to discuss things so that resentments wouldn't creep in and spread like wildfire in the forest of physical distance between us. Ironically, that approach backfired, as by the end I felt we'd each gotten stuck in opposite communicative poles--me pleading for, demanding, screaming for communication, for honest discussion of all the issues involved in his moving to the east coast to be with me and me finding a job and moving into the apartment we'd chosen together; he stonewalling utterly, saying nothing while the darkness of his resentment was frighteningly palpable, a monster lurking in the closet. Frankly, I became terrified, and resorted to hysteria at times, which did not exactly score points with him, or with the monster in his...uh...'psychic closet.' Basically I feel like I started doing the communicative work for two. However, communication and mutual respect are very important. I guess, what I am getting at is....If he came back and made no changes would you still be glad you took him back? With what I said above, I realize I do have to think about this one. I feel tremendous guilt on the one hand that I didn't just recognize that he wasn't necessarily purposefully withholding from me, he most likely simply COULDN'T be as communicative as I kept indicating I desired. I also did a lousy job of separating his volume of communicativeness from the issue of his avoiding talk about difficult issues. Those two are different things, and while the former frustrated me at times, THAT I accepted in my heart; it was the refusal to talk about difficult issues when as it is communication, trust, and intimacy are hard enough to maintain in a LDR that really tested my limits. As my anger and frustration and terror has subsided, what has risen up and crystallized ever more starkly for me is how very deeply I loved--and, sad for me, love--him. He is handsome, athletic, iintelligent, a truly *good* person, able to get along with everyone, warm, thoughtful, funny, a sensitive and creative lover, physically intimate, devoted, has integrity, is like me equal parts 'analytical' and 'creative'--when I met him deep down I knew I'd most likely found My One. Regardless of how frustrated I felt towards him at times and certainly most of the time towards the end, when I saw him my whole heart and body would warm up--it felt like my heart, my core, my spirits, my crotch (sorry to be crass but it's true) all broke into spontaneous smiles at the sight of him. I felt this way even at the very end, even when I was screaming at him that he was mean and boring and and selfish and a horrible ass for not TALKING TO ME ABOUT HIS FEELINGS when I could FEEL that he was angry at me. So, yes, to answer your question--if he came back and made no changes I would be so happy, because after all, I had no intention of breaking up with him--I had faith that all the turmoil would get sorted out and in fact I predicted trouble because it makes sense to me that when you've been apart for the better part of 3 years and then suddenly wind up in the same city the amount of adjustments you have to make IMMEDIATELY is extremely demanding and frightening. BUT: I also, from an objective standpoint, recognize the problem of one person in a relationship avoiding difficult issues. I, too, have my own ways of avoiding stuff that's potentially hurtful and so in no way do I claim to be Miss Universe of Communication...but his avoidance was at a level I'd never encountered before. How, I wonder, will he sort out all the issues that come with having kids? How will we plan our wedding? How can he enter into anything without quietly noting that all is not being done in the way he'd like it and rather than say anything, just let it transpire and THEN be withholding and upset about it? Could I just calmly overlook it? Sadly, I think I'd wind up yet again turning into a screaming banshee--or learning better to just say, "we're not communicating and either wee need to get into couples counseling to work through this or I'm leaving because no one can have a relationship like this." From a purely love point of view, yes, I want him back. As it was I trusted that as we both matured, we'd work this out to a more manageable level. I still have that trust.
sao2 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Hi Greencove, I am on day 0.5 of no-contact and so not in the same emotional state as you right now. But I don't think you should write to him. If you do, it should be short,sweet, and to the point. Something along the lines of "I am not over you, I want to get back together, remember that time we ____insert fun time you had together_____" and skip all the rest of the stuff. Two things I have learned from my relationships apply here. 1) There is no use in teaching an ex a lesson. The lesson will go unheeded and unheard and in the end you end up regretting it. 2) The only thing you can do is let the person know that you want to keep trying. After that you should not try and convince him to keep trying. Trying to convince an ex to keep trying will actually further damage any chances you might have. He will not be convinced to go back with you by all of the sudden realizing that you were right. He will be convinced when he realizes that you two shared lots of good times and that you two have something worth going back for. Something I read recently that is helping me . . . "you wouldn't trust a broken arm to do heavy lifting, and thus you shouldn't trust a broken heart to make your relationship decisions for you" good luck
tinke Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 just some food for thought...although your ex had many admirable qualities, you may not notice, but you continue to mention his lack of communication and the damaging effects. do you believe that would change? from your posts, you had already confronted him on your need to learn of his feelings, etc. and it did not happen. why would that change? i only ask because I too, have a very similar experience, along with the LDR. things became very tense when issues arose. do you believe he would talk to a counselor if he couldn't open up to you? i only ask because i believe this behavior is deep rooted, and agree that he probably does not know how nor desire to share his feelings in the way in which you need him to. anyhow, what can you truly hurt if you write a quick note? you are hurting now, so why not just get a final conclusion?
Author Zapbasket Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 but i must say, i would hope in 6 months you would be thinking of how to continue without him, not hold onto the past memories. that will keep you stuck. can i ask, why now? why the interest for the letter 6 mo. later? Thanks, Tinke. This is a difficult question you asked, and I'm glad you asked because it's one I should pose to myself. Basically I guess it's like this: I feel myself torn. I've worked very hard to do two things simultaneously: be really honest about how I feel about this person, and move on from this person regardless of how I feel. Thanks to this effort, I can now envision, and have fleeting moments of experiencing, that my life can proceed without my partner and still be a great life. But also thanks to this effort, I see very clearly where things went awry in this relationship and how much I continue to love this person, just like I always did--for me, that feeling continued to grow throughout the relationship even as I experienced incredible frustration and pain with the LDR and his palpable but unarticulated resentment. Now, 6 months in and 4 months away from that horrific e-mail, I feel like I have my feet pointed in two directions--one towards him, and one towards this mysterious Great Life that will be great with or without him. Of course it's much more complicated than this because in love and healing love's hurts there are hundreds of feet pointing in all kinds of directions and we're scarcely aware of all these feet. Before now, I felt far too weak and too lost to even think of contacting him. Not that I feel strong now, but I feel my customary core of strength returning, the stronger because it is surfacing despite the tremendous pain I still feel. I don't know if that made sense. I guess I feel clear enough that I'd be able to stand fully behind whatever I'd be saying to him, and my words won't be emanating from desperation but rather from the truth of how I feel and what I want.
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