veryverysadgirl Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 i've been best friends with daniel for thirteen years...since i was fifteen. we've dated most of those years. we've lived together for seven. we've been married for two. we've had ups and downs. we're in a really bad down. i'm so afraid it's divorce. SO afraid. essentially, he tried for all these years to be who he thought i wanted him to be so i wouldn't leave him. and i am a little....well, a lot...opinionated. he calls me a "strong" personality. he is not so much. i don't walk on him, but he's not "assertive enough," as he says. this resulted in him telling me he wouldn't do things i found immoral (strip clubs, had a two night stand with someone when we were broken up, etc.). then he did them anyway and lied about it. he finally came clean about ALL his lies in october. we've had a hard time since then. i had a hard time trusting him. i was hard on him. i wasn't as understanding as i should have been. i have a small mean streak. he has flaws, too, but so do i. thing is, he finally decided he'd had enough. so he packed some bags and left. and has asked me not to contact him for at least a week (torture - he's my best friend). he swears there's no one else. and i believe him because at first, he said divorce. he said if he had cheated in any way, it would have been easier because i would have packed his bags for him. he says he just needs to be "selfish" and "find himself." he's not sure if he'll decide to work it out with me or not. he just doesn't know. so i'm stuck here crying my freaking head off and feeling like i'm actually going to die. what to do? i've read several posts. but i just don't know how people live through this. i'm so in love with him. and i want to make the changes he says i should (because he's right). and he's been making the changes he needs to make. he just says he doesn't know if we can work it out. he says he's just "drained" and "damaged" and just doesn't know if he has it in him to keep trying. he's living with his parents right now figuring himself out. now what? i'd do almost anything to get him back. i love him so much. we have such a long, beautiful history. what if he never comes back? just when i think we have so much potential due to all the newfound honesty and commitment to work? sorry so long. i'm so lost. i feel like i'm going to die.
mammax3 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You two have a very long history that started when you were very young. I say give him the space he's asking for, if he's not very 'assertive' usually and he's being 'assertive' about this, then it is VERY serious. I'd do some thinking about what I'd need to change to stay in the relationship, as well as some counselling - if you can afford it - for the both of you. That dying feeling? I can't say when that'll go away. Probably not until you two talk it out and figure where you're going. And then it'll change into another sad scary feeling. You're scared, you feel guilty, you're insecure about where you're previously secure life is going, you're sad... That's why you feel so physically ill. I nearly didn't eat for a full month, but my H wasn't willing to work on it, nor talk to me about it (we still haven't... but that's my story.). Keep posting here, I found the advice and me voicing my feelings helped me immeasurably.
Lizzie60 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 When he went to strip club and on a two-night stand...you were broken up...so what... you were not with him. You are too controlling IMO...and if I were him I would think twice before coming back. You say he's not assertive enough and when he makes a decision about his future, blablabla...then you're still not happy... Gosh how is he suppose to be? You need to work on yourself my dear...and stop punishing him for something he did in the past... If you don't stop that, you'll lose him.
Author veryverysadgirl Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 yes, jingle bells, i get that. that's where i am now.... working on my issues and hoping he'll come back. i'm not a bad girl. i made mistakes, he made mistakes. i just want for it to work out. he have SO MUCH good stuff together. sorry. i can't handle tough love right now. truly, i feel like dying. please don't push too hard. gentle advice, even firm, is cool. but please at least be gentle. thanks for ANY input, though.
Melovator Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Make changes because you need to make them for yourself, not because if you make them he'll come back. All that will happen if he does come back is that you'll fall into the same patterns again otherwise. This time sucks and its horrible but its also a really good time to think about the person you are without him. When you've been together all your adult life getting to know yourself as grown-up without him is scary. But who are you now? And who do you want to be in the future? And what changes do you need to make so you can get from what you are to what you want? Try focusing on what you want to be yourself, not what you think he wants you to be. P.S Lizzie is your avatar cleavage getting bigger or is it just me?
Gunny376 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Make changes because you need to make them for yourself, not because if you make them he'll come back. All that will happen if he does come back is that you'll fall into the same patterns again otherwise. This time sucks and its horrible but its also a really good time to think about the person you are without him. When you've been together all your adult life getting to know yourself as grown-up without him is scary. But who are you now? And who do you want to be in the future? And what changes do you need to make so you can get from what you are to what you want? Try focusing on what you want to be yourself, not what you think he wants you to be. P.S Lizzie is your avatar cleavage getting bigger or is it just me? Who you are and what you are, and what you're about isn't defined by this guy! Got it!? Don't freaking forget it! Do YOU underststand ME!? You need this guy like a fish needs a Harley~Davidson Motorcycle!!
Gunny376 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Who you are and what you are, and what you're about isn't defined by this guy! Got it!? Don't freaking forget it! Do YOU underststand ME!? You need this guy like a fish needs a Harley~Davidson Motorcycle!! Wow~ This was a 10th of what I wrote!
quiet1one1 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You two were too focused on just each other from a very young age. My story is similar to yours in that significant way. My W and I started dating in our Sr year of HS. Neither of us had much prior "experience", me much more than her however. We stayed together exclusively through college then got married right after that. Now it's 25 years (and 2 kids) later and she's got the itch to find herself. Gee, no kidding?! Anyway, she and I have decided some time apart is needed. While the odds certainly say we'll end up divorced, we've got to find out if we want or need each other in our lives and we're not getting close to finding that out at home, together, with all the tension and misery. I say give him (AND YOURSELF) some time.
jmargel Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Think of giving him the space as a gift. Often it's the communication barrier that starts alot of these problems. Once you learn to understand and communicate with each other and commit yourself into investing into your marriage that's when things get better. There are no guarantees in life and we can't guarantee he'll come back. However treat him like you would treat a scared cat, if you chase him, he'll run. Best thing you can do is when you do finally talk to him, let him talk. When he does don't try to defend yourself, tell him 'I understand' even if it means biting your tongue. Even if you feel disappointed and want to tell him reasons why he shouldn't feel that way, don't. Listen to what he has to say and then suggest marriage counseling. We all run into hurdles at times and at times we need help from others. Now is the time for that.
guilt_and_regret Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Sadgirl, I can appreciate what you're going through in every way. My situation is very similar - we were together since high school, and now that we're 25 things seem to be falling apart. Losing my wife is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, so I know your pain. Honestly, for now, as hard as it is to do (I know, because I didn't do it), you really should give him his space. I made the absolutely brutal decision of crying, begging and pleading at every turn, telling her how much I loved her, how much our relationship could change, and grow, etc. As much as this feels like the right thing to do, really I just think it pushed her further away. Making her feel like I can't live without her really didn't present me in an attractive light. Furthermore, I really believe that making her say out loud countless times all the reasons she didn't think our marriage could work almost solidified the idea in her mind, and she started to believe it even more. So - you're in a hopeful spot still. Consider what you do carefully, and know that following your gut or your natural emotional inclination can often make things worse. I really, really wish you good luck. I know how I would feel if she came back, and I truly hope that you get that feeling.
sumdude Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Honestly, for now, as hard as it is to do (I know, because I didn't do it), you really should give him his space. I made the absolutely brutal decision of crying, begging and pleading at every turn, telling her how much I loved her, how much our relationship could change, and grow, etc. As much as this feels like the right thing to do, really I just think it pushed her further away. Making her feel like I can't live without her really didn't present me in an attractive light. Furthermore, I really believe that making her say out loud countless times all the reasons she didn't think our marriage could work almost solidified the idea in her mind, and she started to believe it even more. This seems to be so true sometimes.... but then again the leaver usually has been running this through thier minds for weeks, months even years before they decide. As well as talking to others about it. Best thing is to let them go and see what happens.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Just saw your other thread. First of all, you really need to stop thinking of him as, and stop referring to him as, a "man-child." If you really believe that, then you have no respect for him and it will come out in your actions. He obviously has reached a breaking point. There's hope for you both but you need to back off now and give him the space he needs. Don't push. And I highly recommend (please don't laugh) the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil McGraw. Just start reading that on your own for now and then later, when he comes around perhaps you can work the exercises and start fresh together. But first, I really think you need to change your attitude about him. He's a man and he's separate from you and has his own ideas about things. Thinking of him as a "man-child" is a bad sign as far as I'm concerned. If you want him back, I think you need to start showing him the respect that he deserves as your "best friend" and as your husband.
Author veryverysadgirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 touche, i totally agree. i had never called him that or thought of him as that until today's tantrum. he stomped on his sunglasses for goodness sake! he's acting like a teenager. he said he feels like one. so it feels like i'm married to a man child. i have always respected him as a man and have always adored him and in some ways looked up to him. i've never felt he was a manchild. just today. i KNOW i've made mistakes. he has too. the thing is, i want to work it out. i just don't know where he is or where we're going. my attitude in this whole thing has been patience and understanding. i'm doing my best to let those two guide me. but today was just SO BAD. i'll read that book when i'm up to it. hopefully soon. thanks for tleling me about it.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 You're welcome sadgirl. Just calm down and let him have this time. Is this outburst a new thing for him? Or has he always acted like that? Continue to be patient and understanding. Tell him that you know that he's not all to blame. Tell him that you'll wait. And don't bring up the past anymore. You need to move forward together. You're at a fork in the road in your relationship. It happens to all of us who are/have been in a long-term relationship/marriage. You CAN get past this if you keep your wits about you. Don't point fingers. Relax and calm down. And keep coming here for support, ok? This can have a happy ending. So don't give up.
Author veryverysadgirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 thanks, touche. no, he hasn't acted like this much. he's had a few little outbursts. more since we started all this awful tension late last year. he doesn't hit me or anything. he hit himself a few times. honestly, he's acting like a child. it's like part of him just never grew up...and not in a good way. but YES, i AM here for him. i just don't know how long i can take it. i'm trying really hard to be understanding. you're right, too. i should not bring up the past. i should relax and give him space. it's just FREAKING me out. i mean, he lied to me all those years, and so i already was having a hard time regaining my trust in him. and now i have to go DAYS at a time without so much as talking to him. not only does it cause anxiety, but it's also a loss of my dearest friend. i do feel like he's blaming me too much. a LOT of it was him. i mean a LOT. i didn't realize he wasn't being assertive! i thought he was just really laidback! sometimes i would really, really push to get some kind of answer from him. everything from "where do you want to go for dinner?" on up. and now he's gone the other extreme. and i'm out of his life except to move. and when we're done moving, then what? will i never see him again? sorry i'm rambling. i'm so, so, so sad. i'm just miserable. i really, really appreciate your advice and support. it makes it a little more bearable, though i'm so sad you guys have all been through this horror, too. how did you live through it? how can you be ok? i'm so afraid it's divorce and i'm just waiting for him to decide so. he's not giving me a fair shake in this. and i KNOW i should be calm and patient and relaxed. but don't you ever get tired of being the only one who IS calm and patient and invested? i love love love him. but how long must i wait and be the adult here? so much confusion. than you for being here.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 thanks, touche. no, he hasn't acted like this much. he's had a few little outbursts. more since we started all this awful tension late last year. he doesn't hit me or anything. he hit himself a few times. honestly, he's acting like a child. it's like part of him just never grew up...and not in a good way. but YES, i AM here for him. i just don't know how long i can take it. i'm trying really hard to be understanding. you're right, too. i should not bring up the past. i should relax and give him space. it's just FREAKING me out. i mean, he lied to me all those years, and so i already was having a hard time regaining my trust in him. and now i have to go DAYS at a time without so much as talking to him. not only does it cause anxiety, but it's also a loss of my dearest friend. He's trying to grow up it sounds like. And you really need to let the past go, sadgirl. You weren't even together when that all happened. You'll have to accept the days that go by without speaking to him. If you push, you will lose him FOREVER. So a few days is not that bad, is it? i do feel like he's blaming me too much. a LOT of it was him. i mean a LOT. i didn't realize he wasn't being assertive! i thought he was just really laidback! sometimes i would really, really push to get some kind of answer from him. everything from "where do you want to go for dinner?" on up. You must stop focusing on how much of what was whose fault. It will get you nowhere. So please stop thinking that way. You are BOTH responsible for where you are now. and now he's gone the other extreme. and i'm out of his life except to move. and when we're done moving, then what? will i never see him again? Maybe you will and maybe you won't. You don't know. Just accept what's happening now. He's obviously going through a change in his life. Let him figure it out. sorry i'm rambling. i'm so, so, so sad. i'm just miserable. i really, really appreciate your advice and support. it makes it a little more bearable, though i'm so sad you guys have all been through this horror, too. how did you live through it? how can you be ok? i'm so afraid it's divorce and i'm just waiting for him to decide so. he's not giving me a fair shake in this. It's really hard. I know. I've been through a divorce. I'm happily married now for 12 years but we've been through a couple of rough times too. You just have to have faith. And if you can't get it together then it's really time to move on. I loved my ex-H with my whole being but love wasn't enough. We couldn't get it together. I was devastated but I moved on and finally found the love of my life. It happens that way sometimes. And I'm not telling you to give up, but you may not have a choice if he's giving up. You're still really young. Your life wouldn't be over you know. But I understand the pain you're in. Just try to keep it together and see how this plays out. and i KNOW i should be calm and patient and relaxed. but don't you ever get tired of being the only one who IS calm and patient and invested? Yes, I understand that but SOMEONE has to. So why not you? Why not be the more mature one right now? It might make the difference in him coming back to you or not, you know? So I'd swallow my pride now. i love love love him. but how long must i wait and be the adult here? For as long as you can. Is he not worth it? Only you can answer that. so much confusion. than you for being here. Yes, it's a confusing time. But you can both come out of this even stronger. You really can. Just play it smart. And we're here for you, sadgirl. Just keep posting whenever you have the urge to contact him. Let him have his space now. You can do this. Remember what's important to you.
Author veryverysadgirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 you're very wise. i'll reread this note many, many times in the coming days. thank you.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 you're very wise. i'll reread this note many, many times in the coming days. thank you. Thank you, Sadgirl. That's really nice of you to say. You'll be ok. I do sense a strength in you. You really can get through this, you know. I can almost guarantee that if you back off, he'll be in touch. You really can do this. And you really WILL be alright no matter what.
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