Worried7 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Let me start by saying...I'm 18 & my bf is 21. I'm fixing to start college; he's fixing to graduate the semester after I start it. We live 12 hours and 50 minutes away from eachother(if you drive)..we've been together since the fall of '04. What would you do in my shoes? I don't want to go into GREAT detail because it would take hours to get it all out. Basically, we met online in 2003; started talking again in 2004 and met in December of 2004. It appeared to be head over heels for eachother..it was for me anyway..then i found out a year and a half later that in October/November 2004 right before we met, he was having sex with another girl all the while he was telling me how he was just falling in love with me & couldn't live without me. He told me this on a daily basis until 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone. A few months later after we met he wanted to go to spring break with his friends in march at the beach. Since I was sixteen at the time I had no idea what went on there. I just trusted him because I loved him. He said it wasn't going to be that bad & he wouldn't go to clubs..just the beach to get away from stress at college. Fine with me; I trusted him. 2 years later I find out that he did go to clubs..not only that but condo parties & stayed out til 5 in the morning..nothing good can happen that early in the morning. He tells me that temptation was hard to turn down & he asked a girl to kiss him and she said no. I don't believe him on any of this and I've always wondered if he's cheated on me at spring break. I feel the only reason he even said anything about it wasn't because of guilt but because his spring break party buds added me on myspace and I think he just thought they'd tell me if he didn't first. My boyfriend is very built, and HANDSOME by the way that's another reason I don't believe him. There have also been other times throughout our relationship that are shady. He was also very emotionally abusive & lied alll the time in that first year or so of our relationship. I've tried asking if he's cheated on me there before and he denied it over and over again..I don't trust him anymore..and since he cheated on me already the joy was just sucked out of the falling in love state which in my opionion is the foundation for a strong relationship b/c you can always look back and be happy for how you fell for eachother. If not, when someone says, " When did you fall in love??" you think in your head.."well we didn't he didn't even want me until 7 months ago".. Fastforward to today..June 2007. I'm treated like his queen, he doesn't even talk to those people he used to party with, he goes to church when I visit, and he's found God again and we've looked at engagment rings. He is moving up here when he graduates in December. My situation?? I can't get over our bad past, and I don't trust him..I am thinking of breaking it off but I'm not sure since now he's everything I could want and more. Do i stay since he's a good guy now? OR leave him behind since he was horrible in the beginning..and I do mean HORRIBLE. Is cheating more tolerable in long distance relationships? ( It isn't in my opinion but what do YOU think?)..and the trust is gone but maybe it can be brought back. Do you think I'll ever get over the drama in the beginning? Do you think he could do it again? How do I go about breaking up with him if I need to? He's gonna call in 15 minutes so please respond back soon!
Author Worried7 Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 I left out that I would've left him a long time ago if I wasn't so naive..I didn't realize how bad he really was. He also was going out all the time with his party friends and getting totally wasted at the time. I would've broken it off if I was older & didn't believe everything he said. But now everything's different and I'm not sure what to do..
nishant Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 When your b/f did all this partying n clubbing.. he was just 18... people normally fall into this kind of temptation at this age.. But over a period of time if your b/f has become sober and found god n stuff then i think u should give him another chance... But an LDR is always based on trust.. so u need to have that trust in him... The risk is always there in LDR.. but it pays to see it thru in the end... n there are many ways to keep a relationship alive n healthy while in an LDR... just look it up on the net...Good Luck!!! Cheers
Author Worried7 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for your response..I haven't done anything yet because I haven't had enough time..So if you haven't responded and feel you should please go ahead and do so. Thanks.
ShoeGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I was in a similar situation as you a while ago. Short story: I was in an LDR, almost engaged to the guy, and found out my (now) ex was cheating, he cleaned up his act and was being a better boyfriend so I stayed with him and tried to convince myself that what he had done was part of the past. But 3 months later I couldn't trust him to do anything, I was scared to death he was cheating again. We talked about it and ended up breaking up because things were not getting better. I soon found out he never stopped his cheating ways, so I am glad I got out when I did. What I would do: You said that you don't trust him and that you can't get over the past, and that is exactly what happened to me. I would say that you should get out of the relationship. Don't let him move to where you are because that will only make breaking up later so much harder down the road. If you are 13 hours apart you can each start your lives separately with out the other interfering constantly.
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You're 18 and he's 21, both far too young to consider an engagement. I honestly wouldn't recommend getting more involved with him. Trust is one of the key elements in a relationship. Whether he's cheated or is lying again, it doesn't really matter. If you don't trust him, it will slowly erode on the relationship therefore, if you want to remain with him, you will have to trust him. Can you honestly do this?
Author Worried7 Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Thanks for replying! How should i go about breaking up with him without causing a chaotic mess? It probably will turn into one anyway since he's really tried hard to become a better person during the past year. I'm sure he'll say something like he did it for nothing. And what do I tell his parents? Because they just love me to death( and want us to get married one day) and they'll understand if we break up but what reason do I give them without him getting mad at me for telling them? Thanks in Advance. P.S. I won't be breaking up with him until Saturday night or Sunday evening. We both have very busy weekends coming up and I don't want to break-up in the middle of it it will be too crazy & we wont' be able to get anything done.
ShoeGirl Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Thanks for replying! How should i go about breaking up with him without causing a chaotic mess? It probably will turn into one anyway since he's really tried hard to become a better person during the past year. I'm sure he'll say something like he did it for nothing. And what do I tell his parents? Because they just love me to death( and want us to get married one day) and they'll understand if we break up but what reason do I give them without him getting mad at me for telling them? Thanks in Advance. P.S. I won't be breaking up with him until Saturday night or Sunday evening. We both have very busy weekends coming up and I don't want to break-up in the middle of it it will be too crazy & we wont' be able to get anything done. You should be honest with him, tell him that even though he has worked on being a better person you still can't trust him. When I broke up with my ex I asked him how much he wanted his parents to know and that I wasn't going to lie to them, they also loved me to death and still do almost a year later. He told me that he would tell them the whole story eventually but decided that he would admit to cheating on me and leave it at that. I would recommend you talk to your bf and see what he wants his parents to know or just tell them a very short version leaving out the details, just tell them that you caught him lying a lot and leave it at that, if they want more details they can ask their son. Either way be as honest as you can.
Author Worried7 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 so today's the day...and now I'm sitting here feeling like I can't do it. I'm getting that nervous, nauseated, confused feeling and I keep having to throw up. It always comes to this..feeling like I can't breathe & doing everything to keep him & make it okay so we can just be together. I always feel when it comes right down to it that I'm doing the wrong thing. I also feel like if we break up I'll never get over him because I planned my whole life out with this guy. I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing for some reason. A friend of mine is coming over right now to help me through this.. Am I doing the wrong thing? I honestly feel like I'm throwing it all away. reply NOW! B/c I have to make a decision SOON before I change my mind again.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 No one can make this decision for you. The questions are: Do you feel he's made a core change and will remain this way? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? Do you like him as a person? Are you happy?
Author Worried7 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 Not 100%. It's about 89%. And I don't believe him on the spring break thing..and just a few other odd coincedences.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Do you feel he's made a core change and will remain this way? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? Do you like him as a person? Are you happy? Can you imagine spending years in the relationship, feeling like you do now? Please answer each question individually and honestly. I added one more question. Then go back and review your answers. You don't need to answer online. Take it offline if you feel uncomfortable.
Hestia Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 so today's the day...and now I'm sitting here feeling like I can't do it. I'm getting that nervous, nauseated, confused feeling and I keep having to throw up. It always comes to this..feeling like I can't breathe & doing everything to keep him & make it okay so we can just be together. I always feel when it comes right down to it that I'm doing the wrong thing. I also feel like if we break up I'll never get over him because I planned my whole life out with this guy. I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing for some reason. A friend of mine is coming over right now to help me through this.. Am I doing the wrong thing? I honestly feel like I'm throwing it all away. reply NOW! B/c I have to make a decision SOON before I change my mind again. thats your mind playing games, dont let it convince you. i honestly wouldnt trust a bit in your guy. you dont need him, he is just getting in your way to be truly happy. dont you want to find someone better, who respects you and loves you? good luck and be strong, let us know how it went.
Recommended Posts