freakygal78 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 months. Recently I moved from my place where he was virtually living with me for 4 months to his house where we share with one of his friends. It seems that things have taken a turn for the worst. If it's not enough adjusting to a new living environment being in sketchy employment etc, he has started becoming increasingly distant from me. It has come to point of me being the only one to initiate conversation if there is any to be had and him not even reacting when I am upset about something or if there is important news I am sharing for example my father being ill in hospital recently. It just seems as if I am living with a shell of a person. He is not overtly hostile or anything unless we have an argument which is the only time he's come out of his shell and actually shared his feelings about things. He says I'm overly emotional which I think is an exaggeration considering the huge change in circumstances and a lot going on in my life at the moment. In short he is being emotionally unavailable and I have spent too many nights crying with his back turned to me saying he cannot discuss issues with me even for 5 minutes as he needs his sleep. I think this is cold and heartless. I tell him that if you care about someone, you tend to comfort them when they are upset. I just see no real reason for him to react this way unless I have done something horrible to him. We had a great romance to start with and this move to more homelier lodgings (I lived in a unit by myself for 2 years before) was going to be like a new start for us until we found a place to move in to together. Nothing seems further away at the moment. I was upset last night at his lack of response and have just realised it's probably the beginning of the end for us. He has intermittently bought me little gifts as a way to placate me perhaps for his lack of emotional support but this just doesn't cut it with me. I really just wanted him to be decent to me. At the moment I am stuck in a situation where I can't just up and move out as I have no real work as I have been an office temp for 6 months now and it is far from stable work. I was considering a career change (again no real support there) but now that seems to be relegated to the backburner since all this relationship trouble has come more salient. Why do men say they love you and then act like you are nothing unless you are happy and smiling 100% of the time? If he didn't want to be with me, why did he start a relationship with me in the first place? Why can't he be caring in my time of need? That is all I ask. Not much - but I think he is happy to let the relationship deteriorate and hasn't even the intestinal fortitude to let me know it's over. I think he is waiting for me to leave. What should I do here? I can't stay in a relationship with a person who shows me such a lack of regard. He encouraged me to be more happy and positive when we started seeing each other and I have read oodles of self-improvement books in this quest. He was the one who said in the beginning 'I don't just want an average relationship, I want a great one' - so then why is he letting it flounder when I am more than willing to communicate about our problems and he just stonewalls me and acts politely and gets on with life as usual. It seems I am not what he wants anymore and I definitely am not getting what I need even though I still love him. It's becoming increasingly obvious he is losing interest as I pick up small things like him gazing at attractive women who walk past more openly even though he denies it and I don't think he would cheat on me he is just not that kind of person. I am an attractive intelligent person and I hate to be treated this way. I just don't want to be the chump here.
oavada Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 He sounds like a deadbeat to be honest with you...a guy thats not serious about himself or his life..hes not committing to you in any way...does he work? Is he hustling? He doesnt seem to be showing any type of commitment to you whatsoever and that should send red flags up! hes not being proactive enough or showing you anything other than the fact that he wants to be left alone.
directx Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I didn't want to read any of that wall of text so I agree with oavada.
Author freakygal78 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 He sounds like a deadbeat to be honest with you...a guy thats not serious about himself or his life..hes not committing to you in any way...does he work? Is he hustling? He doesnt seem to be showing any type of commitment to you whatsoever and that should send red flags up! hes not being proactive enough or showing you anything other than the fact that he wants to be left alone. Well the fact that he's not being proactive enough is obvious. He does work he has a great job earning probably 1 and a half times what I do and he has a car, savings etc. I have always paid my way though and has has never paid for any of my bills or anything like that so he is not sponging off me nor vice versa but is merely happy to have some kind of amiable but unhappy relationship which is not getting either of us anywhere. I would have thought living together is a fair commitment already - I am not sure about marriage or anything like that yet but certainly wanted to have a long term relationship with someone. I don't mean to make him seem like an ogre it's just that it really is p*ss poor this lack of effort. He started off so charming and attentive so I don't see how this could have changed in such a short space of time?
knaveman Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Long time ago, when I was a slightly different person I was in a similar situation. I acted the same way with a girl that moved in with me at my request. Unfortunately, shortly afterwards, I realized it was a mistake. I tried to make things work for a while, just in case it was a phase I was going through. It wasn't. I don't like being the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like things are pretty much over except for someone saying so. In our defense, when it was me, I did try everything in my power to make it work before I admitted to myself that the whole thing was a mistake. Sometimes we make mistakes, that's all part of life.
oavada Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Well the fact that he's not being proactive enough is obvious. He does work he has a great job earning probably 1 and a half times what I do and he has a car, savings etc. I have always paid my way though and has has never paid for any of my bills or anything like that so he is not sponging off me nor vice versa but is merely happy to have some kind of amiable but unhappy relationship which is not getting either of us anywhere. I would have thought living together is a fair commitment already - I am not sure about marriage or anything like that yet but certainly wanted to have a long term relationship with someone. I don't mean to make him seem like an ogre it's just that it really is p*ss poor this lack of effort. He started off so charming and attentive so I don't see how this could have changed in such a short space of time? a real man who knows what he wants would have already wrapped up a marriage with you i think...so, hes confused and hesitant about something...hes playing around
Author freakygal78 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 I dunno about the playing around - he's the kind of shy person who wouldn't even know where to start - his ex gf of 3 years did happen to call him the other day though and he didn't mention whether he would call her back or whether he did or meet up with her. I think this was a move to manipulate me into 'keeping my nose clean' not that I am looking to cheat on the guy - there is nothing further from my mind at the moment. I just want to get my life back on track and make that career change, start getting fit etc. *sigh* One of my friends mentioned he may be having issues with his personal space being compromised here although so was mine for 4 months while he lived at my unit with me - and at least I pay rent here! Being a tightwad is another undesirable aspect I've noticed about him - grrrr! What to do? Last night he literally screamed at me during a debate about religion and politics. This is very out of character for him although it's happened twice in the past few weeks. He always apologises afterwards but it doesn't cut it....not anymore...
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 He "virtually" moved in with you after dating for only a month? Now it's been only 5 months total, 4 of which you've practically lived together? To me, it sounds like too much too soon - this is how my latest relationships have all ended. You two have missed some crucial stages of dating which would have allowed your relationship to develop. It's my guess that you both moved into this with very high expectations of the relationship but haven't given it enough time and patience. Try leaving him alone for a while, just be cool, don't try to "talk about us" all the time. You're driving him crazy and the worst time to try this is when he wants to go to sleep. Try asking him if he will make some time for you to "talk later". Don't demand it, and if he says no, accept it this time. It may get him thinking, and he may come around soon and be ready to talk.
Author freakygal78 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 I don't incessantly hound him - I give him space but he's still avoidant. There is no 'later' to talk about things - it just never really happens....and this suits him fine. I'm finding myself getting more and more withdrawn and cynical even though there is a decent / bad cycle happening from day to day. I suppose if he wanted to break up - this would be the ideal situation for him - he'd have to go nowhere because he's at his old place again now and then I could look like the proverbial b*tch causing problems - again he's the good guy.
EIN Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Why would you even care about being or looking a certain part? If you are truly unhappy, close the door. Stop wasting your own time and believe me, when things are important to someone, they discuss it and not hold it off. Words may not be said right but at least they are willing to bring it out.
jcster Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 It's far too soon for you to be living together - and it has been all along. If you can't get your own place right now, can you get one with a housemate? As for the career change - now would be a good time to get that new job. You're both overwhelmed right now, and it's not going to get better unless you get some space between you.
mental_traveller Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Sometimes advice is really easy to give. This relationship is almost certainly going nowhere, if I were you I would get out asap!
Author freakygal78 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 First of all I want to say thank you to all who responded - it was really good to have the collective intuition of a half dozen strangers in my head bringing me a subconscious reality check. Last night it finally came out of him that he sees me as 'more of a friend these days', that 'feelings change', and that 'he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong - it's not his fault'. 'Be that as it may', I said to him 'I'm not an unreasonable person and I thought that we'd agreed to be quite honest with our feelings from the outset'. I quite wryly had to point out - 'so how long were you going to watch me slowly become a wreck before you dropped me the memo?' He said he's sorry he didn't plan things this way - so I slept on a foldout bed in the spare room as I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep otherwise. I said the best thing would be for me to move out asap then obviously and he replies by saying I can perhaps stay in the spare room from now on? The @#$^ing gall of him! Yes, I can reduce everyone's rental contribution while I die slowly inside! No thanks! My God! I wish he'd told me this perhaps 3 weeks ago - before an impending career change and temporary joblessness - now I'm left in a very difficult situation of having to find work before I can get share accommodation and leave. I'm almost certain there was a catalyst in this in the form of an outside interest - although he denied he was interested in someone else. His ex-gf calling out of the blue a week ago was interesting though - there is not much of a way I can suss this out however and it is of little consequence to me now - the confession has finally been made - he's just not that into me anymore - I guess I have to work on reconstructing my life AGAIN! Gah! No more relationships for a while after having been so screwed around by this one that's for sure!
mental_traveller Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Well, sorry about the bad news. Don't you think you had reasonable warning signs of all this? I know it's not easy, but maybe next time try to be a bit more alert to deterioration in a relationship, and take action to avoid the risk of passively drifting while things go downhill. Anyway, you should not feel too bad - it's much better to find out this way than to be cheated on, or strung along for years, as happens to many people. At least you get a clean break and start over again without too much trauma!
jcster Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I'm sorry that it went that way. I've found that moving in with each other too soon can put so much strain on an early relationship and doom it utterly. It happened to me a few times before I realized what was going on. Don't blame yourself for this, but file it away for further reference.
PinkAngelStar Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I'm sorry to hear that things ended badly, it hurts more when it doesn't come out straight away, just dragged out a bit. I think what others said, moving in too soon, it's a big step and you've avoided the real getting to know each other exciting dating for a few months bit. It's very serious almost straight away. Take some time out for yourself, in the meantime, NC. Allow yourself time to heal.
Recommended Posts