Why do women want to still be friends, even if it would obviously hurt the ex?

[skeletonindacloset]

So ladies- When you know that your ex is completely insane for you and is not able to function properly in life because they're so wrapped up in their own personal inability to move on, I wonder. Why would a woman work so hard to keep a friendship with someone who says time and again that they miss you and love you and all that mushy stuff? Is there a belief inside woman/men that says your friendship can help them to get over their loss of your love?

 

My ex text messaged me a week ago because she was with a mutual friend and heard that I was having a rough day and she must've thought it would be a nice thing to text me and see if I needed to talk. I said no and wrote her an email a few days ago stating how much contact any contact with her hurts because I know it's going to be more of the same "I hope you're well" crap that I just can't handle anymore. It hasn't gotten easier with the passing of time, only more difficult to bare.

 

She has sent me little emails here and there and each time it's a friendly hello that cuts like a knife and I tell her that and still she believes that with all this time that has passed that we can carry on a normal existence as friends when she absolutely knows that I've almost done myself in over this crazy situation and she keeps saying that she wants me to move on and get better but yet months ago my band was playing at a bar and she happened to be there and after the show she came up to me to tell me how strange it was for her to come to a random bar and find the love of her life on a stage.

 

So I guess I wonder this? If you don't want to get back together with your ex then why do you insist that the friendship is worth it even if you see that your ex is experiencing nothing but pain and severe mind strain from this "friendship"? Is there something in women that makes it hard for them to walk away from something? Is it the "packrat" quality that makes them believe that they should always have everything that they've ever had in their life always available? I don't mean to sound bitter I just want to know what women are thinking. I'm sorry if I'm generalizing.

[sb129]

I think that even though your ex doesn't want to be with you, she can't bear the thought that she hurt you.

 

Either she is genuinely concerned for your feelings, or wanting to alleviate her own feelings of guilt.

 

I suspect its probably a combination of the two.

[funkybassplayer]

H i had a rough time with the freinds thing. she wanted to be freinds at the end, i never but i did for the kids and stuff..............for just 2 weeks, then she got a new guy and told me c ya later. i have not spoken to the kids since. It really really hurt me in a big way. If they are the inscure type, they do it as a comfort blanket untill the next guy turns up. This is what happened to me. all the stuff about beingable to be part of the kids life was just lies until someone else came. Tell her to bugger off!!

[pink smartie]

Guilty.

 

When my ex an I broke up I sent him hope you're well - thinking of you e-mails. He eventually wrote back an e-mail telling me not to write to him anymore, that he would get in touch with me when he was ready - which was likely never.

 

I was really upset about this. I didn't mean any harm and I didn't do it to be manipulative. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that he was in more pain that I was. Everyone copes differently with heartbreaks and for him it meant going through a mourning phase.

 

It took me a long time to understand how someone who had meant so much to me could cast me out of his life forever. He didn't. He got in touch with me a year after and we are now on friendly terms.

 

I think you ex means what she says but doesn't realize how confusing this can be for you. I still love my ex, even though I would never want to get back together with him. I still think of him as the love of my life. But we grew apart.

 

Do yourself a favor and tell her to stop contacting you and that you will get in touch with her when you are ready.

[McFadden]

I understand what youre saying but I'm furious that you made it a "women" topic, because my ex is the guy and he tried to do this.

 

Actually I'm not furious , but I just don't think its fair.

[serial muse]

Yes, I have an ex who did this too (I'm a woman, he's a man), and I found it really confusing and hurtful. Now that I'm past that, I realize that he didn't intend it to be, he just wasn't aware of the hurt he was causing me because he didn't feel it the same way.

 

I think some people do the "I still want you as a friend" thing because they have trouble either a) feeling like the bad guy, and think that somehow this makes things better; or b) letting go completely, even when they don't want the relationship. I think they just don't realize that it's inflicting continuing pain; it's insensitive but usually not intentionally cruel or manipulative. You should definitely just set your boundaries, and even if the person says they don't understand why you can't be friends, stick to them. Healing yourself is a reasonable priority.

 

And please, don't make it about gender; it has nothing to do with that. And those of us who are women and have also been through that pain aren't likely to look kindly on you for it.

[AriaIncognito]

I think that even though your ex doesn't want to be with you, she can't bear the thought that she hurt you.

 

Either she is genuinely concerned for your feelings, or wanting to alleviate her own feelings of guilt.

 

I suspect its probably a combination of the two.

 

I agree with SB.

 

My ex claimed that he wanted to be friends with me, but honestly I think he just wanted everything they way he deemed fit, which didn't include my feelings being taken into consideration. If he ever had consideration for how he made me feel, he'd never have broken No Contact any of the times, knowing that I had such strong feelings for him.

 

So, OP, it's not a female thing. It's a genderless issue. It's an egocentric issue. These people get ego strokes each time they realize how much someone else misses them or needs them and once in a while, when they need a little boost, well then they extend the good old olive branch.

 

Well, who the hell needs someone in their life like that? Personally, my ex needs to never contact me again. He'll never be as good to me as I was to him, so unless he was willing to right that wrong, he should stay in the no contact zone. He doesn't deserve me. And your ex likely doesn't deserve you...

[skeletonindacloset]

Thank you everyone for your input. It really does help to hear from all sides of the issue. I guess I foolishly lunged out to women in general cuz I'm feelin negatively about the opposite gender currently. My "friend" invited me to her house the other day where she was hanging out and drinking wine with my ex and thought it'd be a nice get together when I've boldly stated to her face to never mention her name in conversation cuz my brain can't hack it.

 

I've recieved emails from my ex recently asking me how I'm doing and seeing if I needed to talk about anything, and two women at work are coming onto me in a blatant way and one is pretty serious about her intention and they're both married, and I was recently dumped by a chick who didn't want a relationship but felt the urge to make out with my keyboard player the next night.

 

She told me all about it the next day like she was shocked and I'm supposed to just listen and agree what a crazy world it is that we live in. Amidst all of this stupid crap I can't get my mind off of this ex o'mine but she's married with a kid and a new house and all types of good lookin stuff in her future yet she still gets in touch with me to keep up everyones life but everytime that happens it always ends badly for everyone yet it still keeps happening. So I'm in a real "women are friggin whackos" mindset right now. I certainly didn't mean to offend any women out there, I guess I'm just losin my marbles.

[mike5770]

Like everything else it depends on the person, not just being a woman or man. I got the "wanna be friends" bit from my first love, and looking back it was in my opinion so she could entertain herself with a nice free meal and enjoy the attention. She was like a cat playing with a mouse and I would go back every time like a sucker until the day I finally decided to get off of her rollercoaster and after making a dinner sucker date, calling back and telling her I had to wash my hair. But other women are genuinly concerned and do really care, so like everything else it is a case by case basis. The best think I have done is stay the hell away and out of contact (doing that now) until I can truly see her out with another man and not care one bit and say hi and truly wish them well...that is when you can really be a friend..and it will happen. Contacting sooner than that is just like ripping off the scab!

[Phoebe]

So ladies- When you know that your ex is completely insane for you and is not able to function properly in life because they're so wrapped up in their own personal inability to move on, I wonder. Why would a woman work so hard to keep a friendship with someone who says time and again that they miss you and love you and all that mushy stuff? Is there a belief inside woman/men that says your friendship can help them to get over their loss of your love?

 

My ex text messaged me a week ago because she was with a mutual friend and heard that I was having a rough day and she must've thought it would be a nice thing to text me and see if I needed to talk. I said no and wrote her an email a few days ago stating how much contact any contact with her hurts because I know it's going to be more of the same "I hope you're well" crap that I just can't handle anymore. It hasn't gotten easier with the passing of time, only more difficult to bare...

 

...After the show she came up to me to tell me how strange it was for her to come to a random bar and find the love of her life on a stage...

 

So I guess I wonder this? If you don't want to get back together with your ex then why do you insist that the friendship is worth it even if you see that your ex is experiencing nothing but pain and severe mind strain from this "friendship"? Is there something in women that makes it hard for them to walk away from something? Is it the "packrat" quality that makes them believe that they should always have everything that they've ever had in their life always available? I don't mean to sound bitter I just want to know what women are thinking. I'm sorry if I'm generalizing.

 

Just because someone ends a relationship it doesn't mean that there are absolutely no feelings left for their (ex)partner. In some cases I'm sure they wish the other person happiness in their future life and hope that they can still be friends. BUT this is not something that they should try and force on the other person. The person who has been left should be given time and space to come to terms with things, and maybe they have been so hurt that the idea of being friends is completely out of the question.

 

To tell someone that that they are the love of your life but you don't want to get back together is cruel and insensitive. She should respect the way you feel, and if she really still wants to be friends like she says then she needs to back off and let you come to her when/if you're ready.

[nittygritty]

It is confusing when a dumper wants to "be friends" who communicate regularly. It gets even more confusing when you say "no" to being friends and quit communicating with them and they start doing whatever they can to get a reaction out of you.

 

Tell her that if she really wants to be your friend then she needs to quit contacting you.

[underpants]

Skeleton, everyone...."Hi Skeleton".

 

I am sorry for the circumstances that led you here, but it is a good place. I commend you for seeking answers to some of life's tough questions.

 

As far as the exes' wanting to keep you in their life, although it is painful for you. There are just so many motivations, and no, it is not a gender thing. I am sure if you search the threads you will find loads of stories on this subject.

 

I will add, that if someone ends things with you and insists on a friendship you do not need to accept it. You owe it to yourself to take the time away to heal from the pain, as well as distance from the one who you associate with that pain.

 

Don't let it turn you into a hater though. That would be the real tragedy.

 

Regards,

Unders

[McFadden]

Thank you everyone for your input. It really does help to hear from all sides of the issue. I guess I foolishly lunged out to women in general cuz I'm feelin negatively about the opposite gender currently. My "friend" invited me to her house the other day where she was hanging out and drinking wine with my ex and thought it'd be a nice get together when I've boldly stated to her face to never mention her name in conversation cuz my brain can't hack it.

 

I've recieved emails from my ex recently asking me how I'm doing and seeing if I needed to talk about anything, and two women at work are coming onto me in a blatant way and one is pretty serious about her intention and they're both married, and I was recently dumped by a chick who didn't want a relationship but felt the urge to make out with my keyboard player the next night.

 

She told me all about it the next day like she was shocked and I'm supposed to just listen and agree what a crazy world it is that we live in. Amidst all of this stupid crap I can't get my mind off of this ex o'mine but she's married with a kid and a new house and all types of good lookin stuff in her future yet she still gets in touch with me to keep up everyones life but everytime that happens it always ends badly for everyone yet it still keeps happening. So I'm in a real "women are friggin whackos" mindset right now. I certainly didn't mean to offend any women out there, I guess I'm just losin my marbles.

 

I'm sure it is a natural reaction to stereotype the entire gender when you know so many women like that. I've been having a lot of negativite thoughts about men since my ex has been such a bastard. I know a lot of good guys and I still think more lowly of them just because of my ex, I'm trying to get over that though. Hopefully you will meet some less wacko women and it will change your mindset.

[McFadden]

Oh and ps I also see why you thought of this as a "women" topic. Men and women both try to do the friends thing after breaking up with someone and breaking their heart, but I agree that its more often women doing this. I think its because women are more socialized not to hurt people and to care about people's feelings, so they think they are being nicer or something by being friends. Even though it does nothing to help the other person.

[azianpride143]

Sorry to say this but once you walk out the door. There's no coming back. You just have to man up. Grieve in piece and stop wasting your time with her. If you want to keep picking up that rock and hitting your head with it. Just go right ahead. You will never recover and be able to move on if you keep contacting this person.

[WhiteKnight]

In all honestly, whenever an ex wants to be friends with someone... they are feeling quite guilty inside that they know the relationship is falling apart and whoever the other half is either not listening or trying to heal the relationship.

 

Some relationships end up with major breakups and the friendship between the two ex's would never end up being the same.

 

Usually the 'dumper' would feel guilty a lot in terms of they had decided to leave you for someone else who is more of their liking except whereas they soon realise that their ex was most likely the best type of friend they could have and end up hurting them more and more.

 

In truth, whenever an ex moves onto with someone else, the other ex does not usually approve it. Its contradicting and also very narrow to why they want you to remain as their close friend in the first place.

 

Would they want to come back to you? Maybe but I see this to be quite rare for a second chance of the relationship to happen.

 

Maybe a loving and caring friendship perhaps but I'd like to think that sometimes two ex's would try to get along as friends in the end however being said that, it does not happen straight away but only through time of healing.

 

Some ex partners (regardless of male or female) try their best to encourage you to move on or leave them behind, perhaps they value you more as a best friend they could have but you couldn't see that. However arguable, why do people fall in love in the first place if they knew they could not gain much from it? Was it they wanted to try it out and understand the curious boundaries that they have to experiencing a long-term relationship. Regardless the reason, we are quite a curious enough species as it is and we always love to explore and have fun right?

 

Well regardless if a woman still wants to be friends with you, they can be either clingy of you, value you more in a different manner and perhaps if they had moved on with another person, sometimes its rare of them to care about what you feel etc however their guilt and perhaps moreso their feelings about the past that they hurt you a lot would force them in a way to try and overcome their own mistakes or flaws. Same thing applies to men in reverse.

 

*shrugs* I guess you could look at it in this way, if a woman or man values your friendship more than the relationship... there is nothing more to gained from it. Trouble is though that ex's don't really stay in touch that often, as it depends on the breakup and how the friendship ended in some kind of disaster but in the middle of trying to get that healed. I will have to admit, my ex only contacts me about anything related to computer games that I used to play with her online but since that I had in a sense of dropping the hint with her, I guess she stopped talking to me as often or only talks to me on and off once in awhile.

 

Sometimes we all act strange but even if you can't have a decent conversation going between each other... then I guess you have no choice but to go in separate ways.