TooMuchTheGentleman Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Exfiance dumped me a month ago, she was doin ok, that made it easier on me knowing she was gonna make it, which meant i could just move on with my life and not worry if i did something. I almost have her outa my apartment, off my couch. moving her stuff out a lil slowly, but I am young, i can be patient for another week if need be... i just found out a few days ago from her, when she came in to crash on the couch, why she seems to have gotten hell bent on self destruction. Only 6 months ago, i figured out what her nightmares were that shed never tell about, basedon how she acted before i could get herto wake up from them. she opened up to me, the first person she ever told, then her best friend, then the nightmares stopped. about 2 weeks ago, and likewise a lil over 2 weeks after she dumped me, she accidently ran into the guy who had done such a horrible thing to her. He seemed to try to come up and be nice, like nothing had ever happened, and with all those people around she couldnt say anything. the next day, she started smokin out with her mom, after being clean for 6 or so months. I know her new antidepressents she got on right after leaving me arent working, shes being manic, impulsive etc. And that new stress from past trauma added to it. she started and stopped one med that didnt work about a week or 2 before leaving me, which i do know made her a lil different and prolly made it easier to just up and leave me... Im on meds, took years to find ones that work, but ive been stable sane and healthy for 2 years at least now. So I recognize theproblems and remember what its like, the poor judgement etc... The only way i made it through those years is family and friends would let me know if i seemed to be acting too differently , unhealthy, irrational or the such. otherwise i prolly wouldnt be alive today, fighting between what was wrong with me and the effects of meds I was put on to try to fix things. Now, my ex is hell bent on destroying herself it seems, some of her friends have told me theyve cut her off on helpin out with money, food, cigs, rides, etc. I had already cut her off of evertyhing in my life, except sleeping on the couch, and if she hadnt eaten that day, buy her a couple of 33 cent burritos or the such at a store. Tonight she asked about food, being hungry etc, and i told her no. she could steal some bread and make toast, but thats it. then quit talkin to her, went back to what i was doing... If it was any friend or even a casual acquantance screwing up their lives, not sleeping or eating, skipping meds, smokin out or tryin pills from "friends". I would do soemthing, intervene wake them up, etc... But somehow since shes an ex and hurt me by leaving me, its ok to just stand by and watch the show, watch her end up in the hospital, jail or dead? How is it moral for me to just let her go and hit rockbottom or worse if i know how to help? I cant let her try and use me for emotional support, even though i would let any other friend, but its still hard for me to just ignore her, watch a friend drown. Not offering a life vest, a rope, etc, just sayin to myself " they werent happy with me, so they dont need anything from me" etc I am about to MAKE her leave completely, if nothing else by sayin i cant watch her destroy herself so easily when i saw the real her, after we made so many plans together, etc. I cant watch her do it, but i cant give her the support i would a friend, since shes not justa friend, shes a friend who was my recent fiance. Someone tell me how I can do this to someone i care about and still lead a morally good existance? HELP
funkybassplayer Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Like me you your name says it all. she dumped you and therefore is not a freind but an ex girlfriend. I became friends with my ex and it really messed up my head. We all want to help, but she sounds like she nedds pro help, and sometimes these people just dont even want help from us. Its so hard when we care, but she finished it with you, and you need her out to start to move on yourself. But of course its your chioce, and hers too.
underpants Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You are not in a position to help her. In fact you are enabling her. She is young and yes, life can throw all kinds of very bad things our way. It is how you rise to these challenges that define your character. She is the only person that can help herself. Alot of people have to exhaust every opportunity, burn all kinds of bridges and really hit rock bottom before they realize that they are the source of all their problems. Have you considered looking into the signs of a co-dependant person? Just saying some information on the subject might help you see how your actions are adding to the problem. She has family, she has friends, she is young. She is on a path that you cannot and should not try to rescue her from. You have said your peace and that is really all you can do. You are not her doctor, her therapist, or even her boyfriend any longer. You are a former lover. You really need to detach, for you and for her. She seems like she will use you for a couch and food, and whatever else until she can no longer do this. You have to be the one to make a stand for you. I think you should. There is no shame in standing up for yourself and respecting yourself, especially if another party is taking advantage of you. Don't let your kindness be mistaken for weakness. Be a strong gentleman, girls dig that. Regards, Unders
knaveman Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 You cannot help someone until you can help yourself first.
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