guilt_and_regret Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I know most people advise no contact when going through a divorce, but how do I decide if that's what I should do? My STBX is still mostly willing to talk, and about our relationship, but still is basically saying she's comfortable with her decision at this point. I want her back desperately, but I know that continuing to do this to myself is going to delay the healing, and keep me in some kind of emotional limbo. When we talk she seems pretty sure about this, but still kind of leaves the door open a little by saying things like "at this point that's not something i can do" or things that imply that maybe it's not totally final in her mind. So, I can just stop torturing myself and leave her alone, knowing full well that will probably be the end of my chances. Or, I can keep talking to her sporadically, and try to meet for coffee and talk and hope that somehow she re-discovers her feelings for me in the process. My suggestion today was that we lead our own lives, but just not close the door completely and just hang out once in awhile and see if the feelings might come back. The risk here of course is that I think we're making progress when she's just humoring me, and one day I'll find out she's got a new boyfriend or something and it'll be like the break up all over again. Any advice? I feel like i gotta do everything in my power to cling to the remote hope of saving this.....but at what cost to myself? We're both 25, been together 8 years, and I'm pretty sure there's no one else involved at this point.
Curmudgeon Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Any advice? I feel like i gotta do everything in my power to cling to the remote hope of saving this.....but at what cost to myself? We're both 25, been together 8 years, and I'm pretty sure there's no one else involved at this point. Have you told your wife everything you told us in your first post here. If not, you probably should. As long as she's willing to leave the door open, even a crack, there's hope. However, you're going to have to show her by your actions that you've matured and are ready to be an equal, participating and working partner in a marriage. Her greatest fear is likely that once you get her back you'll revert to going out with your friends and doing nothing around the house. You have your work cut out for you if you want to salvage this. Look upon it as the hardest job you'll ever have.
Melovator Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Dear GnR (or do I just call you Axle?) My personal thoughts are: you keep hoping, you're not going to get over her. If you want to have any chance with her ever again, kill that hope that you will have a chance. Because otherwise you are just going to turn into (and you're not going to like this because you're a bloke) a weepy, whiny, dependent b*tch. And would you really want to be her b*tch if she came back through the door? Hell no! You'd want to be the best you you could be and then think about her offer...
Author guilt_and_regret Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Anyways, I'm going to have no choice but to go no contact it seems. We had to meet today to deal with the sale of our car, and afterwards she agreed to lunch with me. I'd planned to play it cool, but I guess I lost my freaking mind and it ended up being basically a full hour of trying to convince her of why she should give this another chance. Promises things would be different, telling her how much I love her, etc. I asked if she could just keep the possibility open, and she said that she isn't willing to at this point because she doesn't know if her feelings will ever change, and if they don't it isn't fair to me to be held in limbo and not healing. Guess she's right. She also said that if she came back now, it would be because she's scared of being alone, and very lonely right now, and it would be "admitting defeat" that she can't make it on her own. So I guess this is something she has to do. She also said if her social calendar was more full right now, she doesn't think she'd even be thinking about coming back to me at all. So, it was painful as hell, and we basically agreed at the end of the meeting that we can't hang out as friends anymore for the time being, since obviously I'm not in a position to do that. I wonder if the effect of going no-contact will be lost when it was pretty much mutually agreed upon that it had to be that way for now. It won't have the same shock to her to have me not calling when she knows it is going to happen, and why it's happening....will it? But Curmudgeon, you're right. I gotta stop thinking about the past, and start taking active steps to bettering myself. Then when our paths do cross, she might see that I'm not so desperate anymore, and that I'm taking control of my life. And then you never know, she might find she wants to be with me for reasons other than loneliness.
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