CaliGuy Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 If I act politely and professionaly from now on, do you guys think it's possible he will in time see me as a "normal" person again? And please don't concetrate on him being engaged part so much. He never talks about her anyway, and when he does it's always negative. I strongly feel that his rejection had nothing to do with her but that he just lost interest in me. Why shouldn't we concentrate on the fact he is engaged and you both know this? This could very well be why he turned cold to you. He might have seen the flirting as innocent but then realized you were being serious and got cold on you. I'm trying to say this as kindly as I can: You brought this on yourself by openly flirting with an engaged man. He never once, according to your own words, put an invitation out to you that he wanted to extend things past a friendship. He enjoyed talking to you and hanging out but as far as I can tell he did not press for anything more than friendship. You are using how he talks about her as an excuse for your behavior. It doesn't matter how he talks about her, he is still engaged. My point is you knew he was engaged yet nothing stopped you from flirting and getting emotionally involved. That, in and of itself, is something that you should really be taking a hard look at. Why did you not say to yourself at any time "This man is engaged and off limits?" That would have saved you a lot of trouble.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 And regarding the tattoo, if you are going to get one be sure you put it some where that everyone can't see it, incase you decide later it wasn't such a great idea. The first thing I did when I filed for divorce was get a Spade tattooed on my ass. I still love it. It represents my new freedom and a new me. I want one on the inside side of my ankle. Small tribal butterfly, representing transformation. Do you think this would be easy enough to hide if I decide I want to on some occassions?
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 That, in and of itself, is something that you should really be taking a hard look at. Why did you not say to yourself at any time "This man is engaged and off limits?" If life was that easy then there would be no LS. Attraction is either there or it's not. I can't make myself be or not be attracted to someone. However, I can chose not to act on it, but if you are forced to be around that person a lot even not acting on it can cause great deal of turmoil and confusion.
crazy_grl Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I want one on the inside side of my ankle. Small tribal butterfly, representing transformation. Do you think this would be easy enough to hide if I decide I want to on some occassions? Ankle seems hard to hide if you're wearing a skirt.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Ankle seems hard to hide if you're wearing a skirt. What do you think would be a good area crazy grrl?
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Thanks for understanding D-lish. Ever since I posted this thread and got some really harsh responses, I have been feeling even more hurt than I already do. I know it's only internet, but when you are in a fragile state of mind, it can affect you a lot. It's like, people here feel sorry for some fiance (of this guy) who in all probability has lovely and happy life, and here I am asking for help, a complete mess, feeling emptier than I have ever felt - and everybody just completly ignores that. And I do feel like I'm on some slippery slope to hell. I have got a piercing few weeks ago that got infected (included a fun visit to emergency room too) and has just now started to heal. I'm alreaady looking into getting a tattoo (actually rang the parlour and got an appointment). This might not seem like a big deal, but it's very out of a character for me. I just don't feel like a same person anymore. This co-worker led you on- he was just as much at fault here. He also knew you were vulnerable- and he chose to lead you on to satisfy his own issues...then bail when things got too heated- or he got bored. Whatever the reason- those are his poor choices and bad behaviour, and he needs to own that responsibility as much as you do. Okay- so it's about choices. The fact that you understand this is pretty powerful. You're making some bad choices for yourself right now. I suspect that your choices have everything to do with how you're feeling about yourself. When we feel bad about ourselves- our choices and behaviours often reflect that self worth. The feeling I get from your messages is that you are feeling really low. Everyone has gone through a low period in their life- and everyone has done stupid or out of character things. You're concentrating too much on the post break up behaviours. To get better it's better to focus on the cause, so that you can be better equipt to make changes that are healthy for you. No judgements coming from here. I, like everyone else, am less than perfect and have done things I later regretted.- but I truly sense that grief is the problem you should be focusing on. Tatoos and piercings aren't that crazy.... I got my belly button and my nose pierced after my seperation. Those reactions don't hurt anyone else. Following a break up, it's normal to go through that stage of trying to define who you are once again. You were a person within a coupleship- and now you find yourself independant. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of figuring this out. I don't think a piercing is crazy. Getting loaded and doing things you later regret... those choices aren't healthy, and they will only make you feel worse about yourself. I'll say it again- don't beat yourself up for what you have already done. It's evident you feel bad about it, and you're getting a lot of flack for it here. Instead, concentrate on what you can do to feel better about you so you don't continue to make bad choices. Your behaviours are a cry for help, that's obvious. You have to figure out what help looks like to you. I do think a good place to start is to have a chat with a professional. You really can learn to deal with your pain in a healthy way- and each positive step will make a difference, no matter how small. All the behaviours you've talked about here are secondary to the real problem- the pain and loss that you need to deal with. Maybe you can talk more about that? What happened there? D
crazy_grl Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 What do you think would be a good area crazy grrl? Anywhere but the middle of your lower back! Hehe. Actually some tatoos can look ok there, but only if they're really original. I've been thinking a good place would be the junction of where ass meets back (did that sound dirty?) , an inch or to the right or left of the spine (I don't know whether there's a term for that area. Is that part of the hip?). Just make sure it's something you're going to like for the rest of your life.
crazy_grl Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 BEG, you may not have liked what SG said, but those are low blows and uncalled for. I'm not about to take any sides, but neither SG or WWIU were as mean to you as that was.
Mary Magdalene Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 You, right? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t100338/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t98419/
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Yeah, your point being? I said previously that I was flirting with few different men at my workplace. I also said that I never slept with any of them....Actually MM from those two threads booked a hotel room and asked me to join him...but I was in R then and couldn't go through with it. I have also found out that he has a long term affair with fattie that works with us But I'm done with this thread.
katiebour Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Exactly justagirliegirl, I mean people on LoveShack made it seem like I murdered someone. Hell, I didn't even sleep with him, the worst I have done is put a hand on the engaged guys knee while drunk. Luckily, my real life friends gave me some prospective. Reread your own post- you yourself said you were inviting him to bed with you. A lot of people here at LS (not myself, btw) are here because of a relationship that ended due to an SO cheating. With the kind of heartache that that creates, are you surprised at the kind of reaction you get when you admit to trying to instigate an engaged man to sleep with you? Aprently, that night when I got drunk I flirted with more than one guy. Because I got a call earlier today from a guy who works in another office, and who was there that night and he asked me to meet him for drinks and dinner (just the two of us). I declined (he is married with kids) and he accused me of leading him on I think everything should be ok here and I definetly plan to stay away from him or other office men in the future. Ugh. Well I'm glad to see that you're thinking of a "hands-off" policy at work- that is wise. How about a "hands-off" policy towards committed men? You, right? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t100338/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t98419/ Sigh. Just paged through these- BEG, you went from a crush on a married man to messing with an engaged one? Yep, you are a weasel. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone of your apparently nonexistent moral character. I am not surprised that you cannot find a single man to date. The committed men that you seem to attract only go for you because their moral fiber is as low as yours. By the way, these posts of "he's not blameless in all of this" or "he's responsible too" are beside the point. The only behavior you can control is your own. Trying to justify flirting with engaged or married men because they flirt back is ridiculous- it's still wrong, and you're still doing it. Shame on you!
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 27, 2007 Author Posted June 27, 2007 Before I'm really done with this thread, I want to say that I am a proud owner of a butterfly tattoo on my ass now. I just came back from the parlour and guy that did my tat asked me out. We are going on a date tommorrow night, I think that he is single but who really knows. He looks like he would be wild in bed! Things are looking up And Katie, I have plenty of female friends. They know all about my messed up love life and they don't seem to mind. Sometimes I think that they only keep me around for shock value, but oh well. I was actually proud of myself when I started liking the engaged man as opposed to MM. I think that's a bit of an improvment.
katiebour Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I was actually proud of myself when I started liking the engaged man as opposed to MM. I think that's a bit of an improvment. :lmao::lmao:
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I agree with you Katie. That's a pretty funny thing to consider an improvement.
CaliGuy Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 So married and engaged men are on your agenda, BEG? Do you have a fascination with engaging men who are in committed relationships and unavailable to you? Is there some reason you are not interested in available, single men?
annabelle75 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I agree with you Katie. That's a pretty funny thing to consider an improvement. oh come one ........ it's like baby steps
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 oh come one ........ it's like baby steps Cold turkey would be a real improvment.
annabelle75 Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Cold turkey would be a real improvment. Definitely. Since I don't know BEG, I can't make assumptions but in some ways I think I might understand what she has been doing. After my divorce I did alot of weird things and the guys I dated were definitely not the norm for me. Perhaps after her break up she has started allowing herself to develop crushes on men that weren't available as some sort of defense mechanism. A guy can't really hurt you if you are never actually with him. I may be way off on my assessment, but I have seen people react like that before. It's not healthy or right and the longer she does the more trouble she will find herself in. Hoepfully the tattoo guy is actually single and they get on well. Maybe dating a decent single guy will help break the cycle.
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Perhaps after her break up she has started allowing herself to develop crushes on men that weren't available as some sort of defense mechanism. A guy can't really hurt you if you are never actually with him. It obviously wasn't a defense mechanism. She was crying her eyes out over this engaged guy, and if you read those other threads she was chasing after other MM as well. Her excuse seems to be only that MM are all that's available to her.
crazy_grl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 It obviously wasn't a defense mechanism. She was crying her eyes out over this engaged guy, and if you read those other threads she was chasing after other MM as well. Her excuse seems to be only that MM are all that's available to her. That's true, but I doubt most people even realize many of their own defense mechanisms or their real reasons for their own actions which they dislike or cause problems for them. It's like "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem". The first step is realizing why you're really doing what you're doing.
mental_traveller Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 This is ridiculous. Why on earth would you quit a job, just because you feel awkward around a co-worker? It's not like you are married and cheated with this guy. You are being way too dramatic about this IMO. Get some perspective! Also, as other people have pointed out, what on earth were you doing aggressively trying to seduce an engaged man? What were you doing trying to seduce a work colleague? Let alone someone who is both at the same time! You've been foolish. Now eat your humble pie, resolve to act professionally at work, suck up the cold-shouldering treatment for a few months, and get back to normal, ok? And there's no reason to suggest "he could have you at any time". Resolve *never* to have any flirting, let alone actual contact, with this guy (or any other work colleague or married person) again. Problem solved!
LN99 Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Is this tattoo guy actually single and available? That is the real question.... Or will the saga continue?
Gala Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I would like to offer a few thoughts. BEG, a big life-change happened to you. Your engagement broke up. This created turbulence, and once that commences it can be hard to get out from inside the wave. The folks outside seeing the action wonder why in the world the person is thrashing around and acting out of control... I don't know your age, but I can remember feeling unmoored and strange after really big relationship changes. You were engaged, and had a friendship with a male co-worker with whom you shared that status. There was some attraction there, but it was safer to feel that when both of you were spoken for. OF COURSE your relationship changed when your engagement ended. He made some questionable judgment calls, but eventually -- IMO -- realized that he couldn't sustain both his engagement and the active attraction to you. He distanced himself. You felt abandoned on two counts - you couldn't retreat into your relationship when he "went away," and you were having to navigate the world as a single. You were crying about him, but also about your own vulnerability. It sounds like the issues with your co-worker are settled for now. Both of you have moved toward some kind of new status quo, and that's good. But I think it's worth considering what happens for you in the instances when an attached man expresses interest to you. I imagine that depends in part on the man...but regardless. Attraction keeps happening throughout life, appropriate and otherwise - my mother, as a new widow in her 70's, had to fend off the attentions of a married carpenter 15 years or so her junior. At the other end of the spectrum, my 20-year-old cousin -- who kind of resembles Gisele Bundchen - was astonished and freaked out when men twice her age and older would hit on her at the restaurant where she hostessed. I'm sure some were married. You've arrived on your own at the "no office romances" policy. That can be more challenging when one works a lot, but it's a good practice! In any case, best of luck.
love necessity Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I don't know, about him being 100% faitfull to his fiance. With me he didn't take me up on it mostly because he has lost interest, plus we will have to work togather for years to come so he decided that I wasn't worth the risk. Have I been some random that he will never see again - things might have been different. He might just look and don't touch, but let me tell you that he stares at other women WAY too much. Like a dog in heat, or even like a teeneger who has only now discovered opposite sex. I know men like to look, but compared to other man this is really excessive. He would lose train of thought or start stuttering when talking to business associates when even average looking woman walks past - he would be so obviously staring at tits + ass. That was definetly one of the red flags that I chose to ignore. This guy doesn't sound to appealing to me, and SHAME on you both for disregarding your other relationships when all this was happening. Since you're not involved with your ex, I won't elaborate on that, but the freak at work, boy do I have something to say about him! Who does he think he is treating you that way? Your not some rag doll who doesn't have feelings. He's man enough to flirt, but when it comes to living up those flirtatious obligations, he has nothing. That goes to show you how much of a man he really is. I wouldn't waste my time with this fellow. He doesn't seem to be worth it, and it may even cost you your job somewhere down the line in the near future. Look how he's playing himself out to be. He's soon to be married, flirting with you, and eying everything out that walks down the street with a pair of boobs. If he is "going out" on his partner now, what makes you think he wouldn't do it to you? My motto is this "once a cheater always a cheater"... I think you should find another job. You don't want to stay there with coming on to you anytime he wants, it's not good for you. Your putting your future in the hands of that horny freak. He could also become your boss one day, and you know how those situations play out. Find a job, leave him alone, and move on with your life. GOOD LUCK!!
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