sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 He can't do that. I have some emails he has sent me earlier this year that are not exactly appropriate. He is not blameless in all this whatever you want to beleive. No, he is not blameless. But he realised his mistake before it got too messy, and tried to disentangle himself from the situation, which is the best thing he can do to make up for his mistake.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 He can't do that. I have some emails he has sent me earlier this year that are not exactly appropriate. He is not blameless in all this whatever you want to beleive. There's a big difference between flirty emails and physically touching someone. You crossed the line by putting your hand on his knee. He reacted by leaving. You crossed the line again by continuing chase after him, after KNOWING full well he wasn't interested in you. Again, if that had been a man doing that to a woman, the man, if not both, would possibly lose their job(s). No, he isn't blameless, but once he decided not to flirt anymore, you took it to another level and got upset, then reacted more.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107599/ Is this the same guy you were talking about in December, when you didn't get Christmas card from him? If so, then this 'crush' you have on him isn't just a crush. You're TOO emotionally attached and that's not healthy for you at all.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 No, the Christmas card guy left our place of work soon afterwards. But yes, I have had a flirty type of friendships going on with few guys in the office. Some attached, some single. I guess I like some more than others.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 But he realised his mistake before it got too messy, and tried to disentangle himself from the situation, which is the best thing he can do to make up for his mistake. I wish it is that clear cut. He has been going back and forth with me for some time now. He has been distangling himself before and then once I pull away he starts going after me again. As for sexual harrasment, I had a guy put a hand on my thigh during the office Christmas party. It was unwanted but I have never reported him nor would I ever do it to anyone.
justagirliegirl Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from and I'm not trying to be offensive in any way. Do you feel that men who are involved in relationships or are married are available to date? I would imagine there are plenty of single men outside of work you can date. I think it is important for your well being and the well being of your career to conduct yourself in a professional manner at all times at work. This means cooling it with the flirting with multiple guys at work. Although people would never say it to your face, it makes you look like you aren't serious about your work and are just there to hook up. You don't want a bad reputation in the work place.
sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 The only way for you to save face is for YOU to make your behaviour clear cut, and back away from him. If he starts flirting with you again, tell him you think it is inappropriate behaviour for the workplace. You can't control anyone elses behaviour except your own, therefore you need to stop flirting with people at work! Justagirliegirl is right, you don't know whether or not people are talking about you, and you don't want your professional reputation to suffer. I would seriously consider putting a stop to all flirtatious behaviour in the office, especially with attached men. And at work functions, be careful about how much you drink. People love to gossip. Don't make yourself the subject of it.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I wish it is that clear cut. He has been going back and forth with me for some time now. He has been distangling himself before and then once I pull away he starts going after me again. As for sexual harrasment, I had a guy put a hand on my thigh during the office Christmas party. It was unwanted but I have never reported him nor would I ever do it to anyone. That is you, but others - You never know what someone's breaking point is... I'm just sayin'... Bottomline, the guy is engaged! You should make your own boundries and lines which you will not cross. Stop playing the cat and mouse game with him PERIOD, even if in the future he gets flirty with you again. IT MEANS NOTHING and isn't ever gonna go anywhere. This is all about ego...... I would imagine there are plenty of single men outside of work you can date. I think it is important for your well being and the well being of your career to conduct yourself in a professional manner at all times at work. This means cooling it with the flirting with multiple guys at work. Although people would never say it to your face, it makes you look like you aren't serious about your work and are just there to hook up. You don't want a bad reputation in the work place. I was just going to say that. Do you want to be known as the woman who chases and flirts with attached men at work? Not only does it put you in a bad light, it makes other women that you work with lose respect for you. Flirting and having fun at work IS fun, but as long as it's innocent, and no expectations, no 'feelings' develop and definately no crossing the lines.... Many people have those fun flirtations throughout the day and most don't take it heart and chase, let themselves fall for someone, enough that it affects their job.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Ok well the guy from this thread just called me now. He wants me to come into his office tommorrow morning for a chat. I'm really freaking out about sexual harrasment now. If that were to happen, I would die. I would probably pack up and leave the country. I just wish i could take it all back
sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Why is he calling you at home? If it is work related, he should have waited till you got back to work on monday. Your office sounds so unprofessional! When you go and see him, tell someone where you are going, and leave the door open. And don't try it on with him!
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Ok well the guy from this thread just called me now. He wants me to come into his office tommorrow morning for a chat. I'm really freaking out about sexual harrasment now. If that were to happen, I would die. I would probably pack up and leave the country. I just wish i could take it all back Appologize for what happened, tell him it won't happen again and leave it at that. Then, do your job and forget ALL men at work. He shouldn't have called you at home, he could have waited until Monday. Or, is this guy your boss?
McFadden Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 What you did isn't a big deal, if he brings it up just apologize and try to blame the whole thing on the alcohol since you were drinking anyway. I'm pretty surprised seeing people tell you to quit but thats LS..
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Would anyone know what is good for getting rid of swollen eyes from crying? I don't want to still look this deformed tommorrow.
sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 You won't. Get some optrex drops for getting rid of red eyes and put something cold on them like one of those gel eye masks you put in the freezer. And make sure you get a good nights sleep tonight
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Geez thanks a lot StarGazer, just the type of post I want to see when I have spent the last two days doing nothing but crying. I'm sorry if I was harsh, but honestly, what did you expect? A pat on the back? A hug and a "there, there"? You're not going to receive any sympathy here. He didn't misrepresent himself, he made it clear from the get go he was engaged and not interested. You're chasing after a married man who's demonstrated to you that he's not interested - that's incredibly foolish. A committed man is not available to date, and you shouldn't be chasing! I agree with WWIU - you're in serious danger of a sexual harassment claim. Do you feel that men who are involved in relationships or are married are available to date? You didn't answer this question, and I'm really curious to know the answer. Ok well the guy from this thread just called me now. He wants me to come into his office tommorrow morning for a chat. I'm really freaking out about sexual harrasment now. If that were to happen, I would die. I would probably pack up and leave the country. I just wish i could take it all back Any update? What did he have to say to you today?
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Well, I turned up to his office and left the door wode open then he got up and closed the door, he said "to get some privacy". I thought here it goes, the sexual harrasment talk. In the end, there is not much to report. He didn't bring up the events of the retreat at all. He wasn't even reserved or distant. We had well over an hour long chat, started off about work and then he was telling me about some places he traveled to recently, people he met, was joking around heaps. He didn't make any moves, but he didn't seem uncomfortable in the least either. I asked if it is possible for me to work with someone else instead of him on this project (it is me that feels uncomfortable with the whole thing although I didn't say it). He said that he is the best person for the job and "I will be stuck with him for a while yet". I mean he could still turn around and make sexual harassment claim behind my back, but given that he made future work plans, I don't think he will. For the rest of the day I stayed away from him as much as I could. Didn't make eye contact when he walked past my desk. Didn't talk to him at all unless he directly walked over and asked something. Aprently, that night when I got drunk I flirted with more than one guy. Because I got a call earlier today from a guy who works in another office, and who was there that night and he asked me to meet him for drinks and dinner (just the two of us). I declined (he is married with kids) and he accused me of leading him on I think everything should be ok here and I definetly plan to stay away from him or other office men in the future. As for single guys, all I can say is "I would if I could". I work lots of hours and most weekends and barely ever go out. I guess that could explain flirting in the office where most guys are taken. I simply don't have the opportunity to meet anyone. A friend of mine wants to set me up with some guy who she thinks "is perfect for me" and I will see how that goes.
annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Seriously, you have got to stop flirting with married and engaged men. There is a difference bewteen doing so in a fun non-threatening way and doing it in a way where married men are trying to meet you for drinks afterwards. I'm not saying this in a mean judgmental way. I don't think you are a bad person at all or that you are deliberately trying to target these men, but if it keeps happening you have to take some responsibility. I am a full time legal professional and single mom and I am still able to go out and meet single men so you have no excuse. Get out there and get yourself a single guy that will appreciate you groping him in public after a few drinks.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 I agree Anabelle. The problem is, despite my suggestive behaviour, I don't actually plan on going through anything and sleeping with these men. Put it this way: I have been working there for years and even with all the flirting (which naturally resulted in some offers for more) I have actually never gone through and slept with anyone. I could have slipped up and slept with the man from this thread, but even there, before the retreat, I was convinved that I actually wouldn't. I was strongly attracted to him in every way (I don't know how it happened but it just did) and after some drinks my "natural urges" just took over.
crazy_grl Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Yeah, definitely get out and meet some guys outside of work. This whole thing was probably just from needing attention from the opposite sex (which is natural). If you've got some prospects outside of work, it's a lot easier to not turn innocent work flirting into something more. I know you didn't like Star Gazer's original post, but I think she was dead on. His flirting waned as he realized you were becoming more serious. But when you backed off, he missed the ego stroke. Put this situation aside and stay professional around him. And girl, don't drink a lot at work functions!
D-Lish Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 I agree Anabelle. The problem is, despite my suggestive behaviour, I don't actually plan on going through anything and sleeping with these men. Put it this way: I have been working there for years and even with all the flirting (which naturally resulted in some offers for more) I have actually never gone through and slept with anyone. I could have slipped up and slept with the man from this thread, but even there, before the retreat, I was convinved that I actually wouldn't. I was strongly attracted to him in every way (I don't know how it happened but it just did) and after some drinks my "natural urges" just took over. Blue, There is something to be said about the slippery slope syndrome. After my relationship (divorce) of 8 years fell apart.... I started out with simply flirting with disaster... But you're kidding yourself if you don't think you won't follow through at some point. I am 36- and since the divorce I have just gotten progressively worse in regards to the choices I have made. My problem isn't married men- it's younger men... much younger. I began just flirting with the idea... but eventually the temptation to cross the line became too enticing to ignore. After a break up- there is such a feeling of emptiness- so we tend to look to fill that void. Alcohol is the biggest problem here- it removes the barriers that tend to be there when we are sober. I have been casually seeing a 22 year old.... yes you heard me... huge age difference. And it started out as a little online flirting- and now we meet regularly. The big problem...he's become attached, and now professes his love for me. Not good, I should never had taken things that far with him and led him on like I did. The same goes for your co-worker. His actions were inappropriate- and he did lead you on. You can't take back what happened- but you can save face. Learn from the mistakes made in this situation- and move forward. you'll get yourself settled again. Act as if nothing happened and go on being professional. No more alcohol at business retreats...lol. I know what you are going through though. A break up can temporarily make us a little crazy. Happens to all of us. If you think it might help- see a therapist. i have been doing that, and it has helped a lot. It's nice to have a guide to help us put our thoughts and feelings and behaviours into perspective. Don't keep beating yourself up- we all do things we regret. You have the capability to pull it together and turn it around. If the opportunity ever comes up- I think it would be ok to say to your co-worker that you made an error in judgement due to the circumstances of your break up... An apology can't hurt, and it might lessen the discomfort you must feel working together. Best of luck. Deal with the breka up though... I think that's important. D
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for understanding D-lish. Ever since I posted this thread and got some really harsh responses, I have been feeling even more hurt than I already do. I know it's only internet, but when you are in a fragile state of mind, it can affect you a lot. It's like, people here feel sorry for some fiance (of this guy) who in all probability has lovely and happy life, and here I am asking for help, a complete mess, feeling emptier than I have ever felt - and everybody just completly ignores that. And I do feel like I'm on some slippery slope to hell. I have got a piercing few weeks ago that got infected (included a fun visit to emergency room too) and has just now started to heal. I'm alreaady looking into getting a tattoo (actually rang the parlour and got an appointment). This might not seem like a big deal, but it's very out of a character for me. I just don't feel like a same person anymore.
Star Gazer Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Oh BOO HOO, Blue! You were chasing after an engaged man that you work with! Do you honestly expect anyone here to feel sorry for you for your efforts to break up a committed relationship? Or your foolishness in putting your hormones ahead of professional decorum? Quit playing the role of a victim - you're no victim here, you were the aggressor. If you are a victim, you're a victim of your own behavior and decisions, nothing else.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Maybe in the future you shouldn't drink any alcohol at any work functions. Unfortunately the reputation you have isn't a good one - Sorry, I don't mean to sound mean, but it's the truth...People notice stuff, and if you're the office drunk, flirting and coming onto married men, well, it says alot. Focus on work, keep your head down and if you want to go out and have fun, go with your girl friends, AWAY from work. Keep work and private life separate. Mixing the two isn't a good idea. Another thing, even if this guy flirts abit with you, do not flirt back. You don't have to be rude, all you have to do is change the subject or say I gotta get back to work now...And don't worry about hurting his feelings! He knows better, as do you now...
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 And I do feel like I'm on some slippery slope to hell. I have got a piercing few weeks ago that got infected (included a fun visit to emergency room too) and has just now started to heal. I'm alreaady looking into getting a tattoo (actually rang the parlour and got an appointment). This might not seem like a big deal, but it's very out of a character for me. I just don't feel like a same person anymore. Then why are you doing this? If you are unhappy with yourself, FIX yourself. Get some therapy, talk it out and be honest within yourself. That is the only way to change. That and learning from your mistakes. Also, don't do something that you're going to regret and be forever! tatoo's etc...Even piercings too.
annabelle75 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Then why are you doing this? If you are unhappy with yourself, FIX yourself. Get some therapy, talk it out and be honest within yourself. That is the only way to change. That and learning from your mistakes. Also, don't do something that you're going to regret and be forever! tatoo's etc...Even piercings too. I very much agree with this post. At a time like this when you are feeling lost it is easy to fall into the role of victim. The reality is that the only person that can pull yourself out of this funk is YOU. I have been in you situation before and it took me realizing that I couldn't rely on other people to make me feel better or flirting with guys for an ego boost to make me feel like me again. My life had suddenly changed and I had to redefine myself and find a way to be happy with who I now was. Even though you maynot be in the midst of a deep depression it might help to talk to a counselor. If you are noticing significant changes in your personality you might be suffering from a mild case of depression. I've been through that myself, so I know how it can make you feel like your brain isn't functioning quite right. And regarding the tattoo, if you are going to get one be sure you put it some where that everyone can't see it, incase you decide later it wasn't such a great idea. The first thing I did when I filed for divorce was get a Spade tattooed on my ass. I still love it. It represents my new freedom and a new me.
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