BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I have well and truly screwed things up. I have been working closely with my collegue for almost 2 years. He is engaged to be married. I was too until my relationship broke down couple of months ago (nothing to do with collegue). All this time we have been flirting and I have felt intense sexual chemistry between us. I can tell he felt it too, he just needed to stand or sit close to me for him to get aroused. Also when I walked into room, he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off me and ignored the person he was talking too. We did lunches and the like. At the beginning he was much more into me than I was into him. I was barely interested at first, but boy did things change. Nothing really happened due to the situation, but I always thought that one day it might. "Attraction" was never talked about, it was just there. I did pride myself on being able to hide my feelings to some extent. However, few months ago I felt him starting to lose interest. Changes were subtle, but noticable nonetheless. It was like he got bored of whole "flirting" thing and yet he didn't want to take it any further. He even started checking out other girls while we were eating, just waitresses and random girls walking by (before, he only had eyes for me and possibly his fiance, but what you don't see, doesn't hurt you). The more he pulled away the more I pushed. I was trying to invent reasons to talk to him more (I never did that before). Knowing myself, I looked like a love stricken puppy (my another co-workers word). It all culminated when about 10 of us went away for some type of team bonding retreat. I thought this is it. Something must happen here. He was quite cold towards me, but instead of getting the hint I pushed and pushed. We all (10 of us) had dinner one night and I made sure I sat next to him. Again he barely said few words to me while I kept trying to insert myself into his and another guys conversation. And THEN I drank about 8 glasses of champagne and put my hand on his knee under the table. I was also hinting (without saying it directly) for him to come to my room. He didn't move my hand away initially, but after few minutes of this, he excused himself and said he is going to bed Rejected. I couldn't even cry because next day we had to get up early and I didn't want others to notice that I have cried (Yes I tend to cry a lot). Next couple of days I was STILL coming on to him at every opportunity. It was like out of the body experience, I knew I'm only digging myself deeper, but I did it anyway. Fianlly I got back home. I'm cringing now. I remember our flirty chats, how much I enjoyed them in the past but now since I have pushed too far, I can't realistically expect anything but cold shoulder from him. In his eyes, I just went from Goddess (when I started working there) to some annoying, all over him slut. And that was without even ever sleeping with him (nice work me!). So what now? I have to go back to work and work with him for at least 2-3 hours every day. Knowing what he thinks of me, knowing what others that have seen this think of me. I really want to quit. I'm extremly close to just quiting - but it's a good job and I'm forcing myself not to. Should I go, should I stay? I have never been this depressed. Breaking up with my fiance didn't even affect me that much. Any advice on how to act around him from now on from people that are wiser than me?
oavada Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 jesus, you should have pulled back...when youre together now he'll have all the power and youll feel awkward..you gotta stop after its absolutely made certain he doesnt want you. ive been there tho with girls, despite every instinct telling me not to pursue them *again*, i do it anyway because i want them so much..lol
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 when youre together now he'll have all the power and youll feel awkward Exactly. That's the problem. No matter what I do from now on, he will know that he can have me anytime. I think I will just have to quit this job. Only question is do I do it now, or do I wait till I calm down a bit.
oavada Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 There has to be a way to work with him so you dont have to quit the job...You could go to work with him and just be natural and maybe some type of chemistry will develop that can make up for it or smooth it over...i think hes being kind of a cold-hearted jerk myself.. a nice good guy would appreciate the attention and smooth it over in some way with class..hed take you aside and say, "i appreciate your feelings for me and i'm honored that you like me like this, but i just cant get involved because of "x" reason"....to me, hes just sort of playing you by not saying anything at all..being a real jerk about it. i would never in a million years do that to a girl...if a woman came on to me like that and touched my knee and said she likes me over and over, i would never in a million years just brush her off cold-heartedly like it sounds like hes doing. If hes a decent man he'll say something to you so you can save face somewhat to protect you. Any real, decent man is honored to get attention from a woman like that and even if he's not interested he should still acknowledge your value in some way...He's being a total cold-hearted jerk in my opinion.
katiebour Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Aren't you ashamed to be coming on to a man who is engaged? It's not just his life you're messing with- it's his fiancee's as well. That kind of behavior is what my b/f would call a weasel- someone that you can never trust around your significant other. Do you want to be a weasel? He should be ashamed for flirting with you- but you can't control his behavior, only your own. Why did you break up with your fiance? Was it because you were flirting with other men?
LN99 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I would avoid him as much as possible. Keep things polite and professional from now on. Yes, he shouldn't have flirted, but also maybe when he did flirt, he didn't see you as a threat because you were with someone else at the time. Anyways, if you really feel the issue needs to be addressed, just apolgize to him and tell him you had WAY too much to drink and that you didn't mean to come on to him like that. Then go about your business and keep things professional from now on.
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Consider this a good learning experience for messing around with someone who not only was in the workplace where things should be kept professional but that he was committed elsewhere. Pull back all the way. Keep remembering what a fool you made of yourself over a guy that brushed you off so casually. It will help you get your head together. In the meantime, go job hunting.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 If I act politely and professionaly from now on, do you guys think it's possible he will in time see me as a "normal" person again? And please don't concetrate on him being engaged part so much. He never talks about her anyway, and when he does it's always negative. I strongly feel that his rejection had nothing to do with her but that he just lost interest in me.
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Right now I think that should be your primary focus. Not everyone talks about their SOs like run-on sentences...
LN99 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Honestly, I don't think things will ever be "normal". If anything, they will be awkward for awhile. But I think if you just brush it off and let it go and move on and act professional from here on out, things will calm down. Also, about his engagement.... He might not talk about her a lot or he might only make negative remarks, but why else would he be engaged to someone he didn't want to marry? For all you know, he is truly happy with her. No one forced him and put a gun to his head and told him to ask her to marry her. He did it himself... So....let it be. I think if anything, his flirting was harmless or at least meant it to be. (I know how guys like this are because I have met a few of them myself who seem to be flirting but are really engaged or in a relationship with other women and are truly happy.) Also, If he truly is seeking out other women while being engaged to someone else. Why would you want to be with someone like this? Now you have even noticed him checking out other women. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who wants to settle down if he is in fact flirting and TRYING to get with other women. (That is, if he is actually trying...) But, notice, he didn't try to get with you, even when you offered... He might have lost interest. OR he is just a typical man who looks/flirts etc. but doesn't touch. Just because he is engaged doesn't mean he is dead! So just let it be. Its not worth your time and energy to focus on someone who is already making a committment to someone else.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 I don't know, about him being 100% faitfull to his fiance. With me he didn't take me up on it mostly because he has lost interest, plus we will have to work togather for years to come so he decided that I wasn't worth the risk. Have I been some random that he will never see again - things might have been different. He might just look and don't touch, but let me tell you that he stares at other women WAY too much. Like a dog in heat, or even like a teeneger who has only now discovered opposite sex. I know men like to look, but compared to other man this is really excessive. He would lose train of thought or start stuttering when talking to business associates when even average looking woman walks past - he would be so obviously staring at tits + ass. That was definetly one of the red flags that I chose to ignore.
LN99 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I see that you have choosen to ignore all of these red flags...especially that he is checking out random women while being engaged to someone else. And true, maybe because you are a co-worker and were with 10 of your other coworkers, he didn't want it to get around that you two ended up in bed together. Also, maybe thats just something he wouldn't want to pursue in the office...being that anything that happened between you two would be office gossip. This is very wise on his part. But imagine if you were this random woman that hooked up with him. Do you really think he would dump his fiancee for you? Also, if anything, I think you would be the one who would end up getting hurt and used. Now imagine how his fiancee must feel? Or would feel, if she found out about the two of you? Or, if she found out about him and his flirty ways? Maybe it wouldn't bother her....or maybe it would? Who knows? If I were you, all I would feel is pity for the woman who is going to marry this guy and what she is going to have to deal with if he truly is unfaithful. Just be glad your not in the situation and that he lost interest. Now, its your turn to move on and find someone who is unattached.
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I'm honestly confused about the attraction of a guy who's supposedly committed elsewhere. That is your biggest red flag. Stop thinking with your nether regions and start being smart about life. You're only going to end up in the OW/OM forum soon, at the pace you're going. His actions don't justify your actions girl.
LN99 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I do understand your attraction to this guy. He shows you a bit of attention when your going through a hard time in your life. You open up to him, he opens up to you. You flirt a bit etc... You feel awesome inside. Suddenly you realize you like him... Only problem is..he is with someone else. Once in a great while you will hear her mentioned but its very rare. You think its nothing serious and that you and him might have a chance. But.... The reality of it all, is that your living in a fantasy world. You choose to ignore reality and choose to live in the fantasy... (Like I've said, I've been there.) You need to snap back into reality though. The more time and energy you waste on this, the more it will hurt. Just move on....
Trialbyfire Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Have a little pride and move on. You can't control him but you can control yourself.
Star Gazer Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I don't know, about him being 100% faitfull to his fiance. With me he didn't take me up on it mostly because he has lost interest, plus we will have to work togather for years to come so he decided that I wasn't worth the risk. Why are you so sure he was ever even interested in you to begin with? I'll bet you a million dollars he's not interested now BECAUSE of his fiance, not simply because of some natural waning of interest. That was definetly one of the red flags that I chose to ignore. "Red flags" are things you consider when contemplating whether to date/continue dating someone. You're about 5,000 steps ahead of yourself here, - you're not dating him, and you're not going to. "Red flags" are irrelevant. He's TAKEN. Keep your paws off, and find a new job. And please don't concetrate on him being engaged part so much. ... I strongly feel that his rejection had nothing to do with her but that he just lost interest in me. Why aren't YOU concentrating on the "engagement part"? What is going on in your head that you think it's okay to even try to lure a taken man away from the woman he's committed to? And why would you WANT someone who could even possibly be lured away from the person he's promised to spend forever with? I am virtually certain I know what's going on here. I'd bet big money on it. There are two types of flirting - recreational flirting, and flirting with intent. Before the demise of your own engagement, I am fairly certain that what your coworker thought you two were engaging in was simply recreational flirting. Recreational flirting often happens between collegaues and/or people who are committed to others - it's purely innocent, nothing ever comes of it. It makes us feel good, we have fun doing it, but we'd NEVER dream of following through. Once your own engagement ended and you started coming on to him in such a desperate fashion, he realized that you weren't really recreationally flirting with him, that you were flirting with intent. He realized you were serious, and he obviously wasn't/ Because he's engaged, he decided to back waaaaaaaaay off from flirting with you whatsoever, even giving you the cold shoulder so as to give you the hint that he's not only engaged, but he's not interested in you, never was, and that you should stop flirting with him period. I'd be really, really embarassed if I were in your shoes. I'd likely call in sick to work on Monday, and revamp my resume ASAP.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Geez thanks a lot StarGazer, just the type of post I want to see when I have spent the last two days doing nothing but crying.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 I am virtually certain I know what's going on here. I'd bet big money on it. And you would lose. I'd be really, really embarassed if I were in your shoes. I'd likely call in sick to work on Monday, and revamp my resume ASAP. Oh wouldn't it suck to be you. As for me, I'm going to go in on Monday, 8am on the dot, shout a bright good morning as I walk past his office, sit down at my desk and kick ass.
justagirliegirl Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I agree with going in Monday and going on about her business. I would just treat him like everyone else in the office. The awkwardness will pass. I strongly disagree with quitting over this. Why on earth should she jeopardize her financial well being over something so silly?
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Exactly justagirliegirl, I mean people on LoveShack made it seem like I murdered someone. Hell, I didn't even sleep with him, the worst I have done is put a hand on the engaged guys knee while drunk. Luckily, my real life friends gave me some prospective.
sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 And please don't concetrate on him being engaged part so much. He never talks about her anyway, and when he does it's always negative. I strongly feel that his rejection had nothing to do with her but that he just lost interest in me. Why shouldn't we concentrate on his being engaged? I think SG is right- the guy realised his mistake in his harmless flirting with you and backed off. Which given his engaged status is what I would expect. OK, sure he shouldn't have flirted, but at least he didn't cheat on his fiancee, which shows a degree of respect and love for her whether he talks about her 24-7 or not. There is no way you can have any idea of the true extent of his feelings for her. You are a work colleague. Thats it. I don't talk about my relationship much at work, but I am blissfully happy. I prefer to keep my private life and my work life separate. He can't "have you" at any time- because he doesn't want you. He had the opportunity, and he didn't take it. Whether he stares at other women too much or not is nothing to do with you. And I would hope that now you wouldn't make yourself so available to him ever again either! You talk about perspective, but you say that this has affected you more than the breakup of your own engagement? Where is the perspective in that? Now, I don't necessarily agree that you should start looking for a new job. You should hold your head up high and go back to work on Monday, and see how things are. Keep your head down, and do your job well. The awkwardness should pass.... give it time. Let this be a lesson to you- keep work and personal affairs separate!
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 If I act politely and professionaly from now on, do you guys think it's possible he will in time see me as a "normal" person again? And please don't concetrate on him being engaged part so much. He never talks about her anyway, and when he does it's always negative. I strongly feel that his rejection had nothing to do with her but that he just lost interest in me. But he is engaged, whether you like it or not. Also, maybe he doesn't want to discuss her with you. Maybe he fed you abit of crap, saying negative stuff about her for an ego feed, knowing that you were into him, he wanted to see how far he could go, but when it came down to it, he realized what he was doing by flirting with you was wrong. Wrong because he is ENGAGED, wrong because it was inappropriate and wrong because he realized you were falling for him and he needed to back off. To think that he 'just' lost interest with you had nothing to do with the fact he is with another woman, engaged to her, is just fooling yourself. Sorry.... Also, you chased after him too much, it got TOO much, so he ran. Back off, do your job, only deal with him when you have to and keep it professional. If you can't do that, then definately start looking for another job. You're just lucky he didn't put a sexual harrassment suit on you because if a man did what you did, to a woman co-worker, the hand on the knee thing and then later, knowing that person wasn't interested and STILL in the next few days did more chasing and lusting, he would be in Human Resources so fast and probably lose his job. So be professional and stick to work, ignore him unless it's work related.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 He can't "have you" at any time- because he doesn't want you. He had the opportunity, and he didn't take it. Can you read his mind? Yes, he had the oppurtunity but maybe he didn't do anything because of a)fiance b)job c)gossip. What this whole experience tells me is that he doesn't want anything to happen between us regardless of his reasons. Whetver he wants me or not is something only he knows. Whether he stares at other women too much or not is nothing to do with you. But it has to do with his fiance as well as his general character.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 You're just lucky he didn't put a sexual harrassment He can't do that. I have some emails he has sent me earlier this year that are not exactly appropriate. He is not blameless in all this whatever you want to beleive.
sb129 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Can you read his mind? Yes, he had the oppurtunity but maybe he didn't do anything because of a)fiance b)job c)gossip. . No I can't read his mind, but neither can you. Are you deluded? Who cares WHY he didn't do anything. The fact is, he didn't. End of. What this whole experience tells me is that he doesn't want anything to happen between us regardless of his reasons. Exactly what I said. So why are you bothering trying to interpret it? Let it go. Whetver he wants me or not is something only he knows. But it has to do with his fiance as well as his general character He is not personally connected to you in any way, therefore his general character and relationship are none of your business. I think you are trying to kid yourself that he still wants you.
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