Stomping out the what-if's

[oppath]

Just talked to a friend as I was freaking out about the ex.

 

Some things have been made clear to me.

1. She did love me, we just wanted different things. I wanted to delve into a serious relationship, she needed more casual fun since she had always been in serious relationship. Thus, when I asked for more, she dumped me.
   
2. She asked to be friends with benefits because, from her perspective, she did want to be my friend and spend time with me, the sex was incredible, and it was her way of keeping me in her life as someone close and intimate. It was not her intent to use me. She honestly thought it was a caring request. This blows my mind, but apparently, that was her perspective. To her, it was a loving request, a transition. To me, it was the ultimate disrespect, as the transition to friends would have taken several months.
   
3. She was pissed that I rejected her offer, because I essentially was rejecting her as a friend. I guess she was under the assumption that we could automatically transition to friends. That is an immature assumption.
   
4. She was more pissed when, following the friends with benefits request, I essentially request the truth for the breakup. I wanted answers and reasons. She wanted to be friends, but this pissed her off. My friend agrees, that given the way things went down, he'd want answers too. She was vague.
   
5. He put it in perspective: given the places we were in, the different types of love we had and what we wanted, and our personalities, resolution, or even the relationship itself, could not have worked out. I wanted more, she wanted casual. He basically told me that had I not asked for more things would have continued, which kind of sucks because I'm a total WHAT IF guy, but she just couldn't commit the time and energy to what I wanted. She asked to be FWB as an alternative. Had she just explained "I need to do these things for myself and can't offer more than one night a week to you, but I do love you and want to be with you" we could have continued. She chose to end it, then ask for it. See what I mean, I'm a what if guy.
   
6. Ultimately, I'm the type of person who is direct and values honesty and disclosure. She is passive when it comes to confrontation. That is why I freaked out at her dishonesty. She believes in trying to spare feelings. I see through that. I'm honest, effusively honest.

Ok, the reason I haven't moved on is because she did give me false hope. She was being truthful, she just couldn't give me the serious relationship I was asking for, but she did love me. There are degrees and types of love. And I agree with her, she needed to have some time to figure herself out as an independent woman. But I always had this glimmer of hope. It turns out, there was a glimmer, just not what I wanted. The what if game is raging in my head -- what if I had accepted less, what if I asked her about FWB and just redefined the relationship as more casual, trying to work it out -- could it have lasted? Maybe.

 

But let's stomp out the what-if's once and for all. I asked for what I wanted, there is pride in that, she couldn't meet it. She wasn't honest with me. And it would have taken only 0.1% of empathetic foresight to know that you can't just ask to be FWB by email 2 weeks after you've dumped someone. Hell, had we re-established friendship first, I might have said yes a month or two down the line. I was doing ok until she asked this of me. Ultimately, based on our personalities, the timing, what we wanted, I was going to get screwed. So instead of playing what if and living in the past, which is what I've been doing, and thinking "I need to do this and that in relationships and ask for this because I didn't with her", I need to think "I've learned this and that and how do I apply it to someone NEW when I meet them? It's time to apply the lessons I've learned, and apply them to new people, the present and the future, instead of looking at the past through the lessons learned glasses.

 

It's going to suck for a while more. The relationship has been over as long as it lasted (6 months). I have done a poor job coping. All because I bought into the glimmer of hope and played the what if game.

 

Relationships aren't permanent. They mostly aren't meant to be. I learned lessons. It's time to pick myself up and stop wondering what could have been -- and I do believe, unfortunately, that we could have been spectacular under different circumstances and timing --and start living in the present. Who can enrich my life NOW? And not just sexually/romantically. What types of relationships can I attract into my life that will benefit me? What can I do to do it? I've learned lessons, learned my imperfections, it's time to apply those things to the here and now instead of the past.

[oppath]

I guess the biggest what if is that I did push. But I need to remind myself, only because she was acting distant because her ex tried to get her back, and I called her on acting distant. With honest communication from her end, there would have been no push.