Alonehorseman Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 A short history...I've been dating the same girl 39/f for 6 months. Things are serious between us, we spend nearly all our free time together. All along i have had little issues with her internet use (the fact she kept old dates and ex bf's on her myspace and yahoo, or added new male friends at random. At one point having almost 75 guys on there (not all being dates or bf's, but probably most wanting to be, judging from the comments they would leave). Anyway, after many conversations which turned into fights, she got upset with me and deleted all her male friends. My issue wasn't with all of them, it just seemed odd to me that she felt the need to keep old boyfriends and guys she had dated on there as "friends", while maintaining an exclusive relationship with me. I guess i'm old school, when i'm with someone i don't need the attention from anyone else. She has also maintained contact with her last bf's children via internet and phone calls, and a couple of weekend get togethers. This last bf found out that she was in contact with his children, and had a fit, telling her to have no contact with them again. To which she proceeded to bash him in a blog on her myspace stating that she would never turn her back on his kids no matter what he said. I explained to her that she may want to respect his wishes, because 2 of them were minor children and he was well within his rights as the parent/guardian to choose who they had contact with. I also mentioned to her that if she kept it up, she might face the possibility of a restraining order preventing her from having contact with them. A few days later she decided that it would be best if she didn't have contact with them. Please keep in mind that we had argued 4 days ago and had discussed being totally open and honest with each other about everything in our relationship, (which i have tried to do from day 1), if we were going to make this relationship work. I don't hide anything from her, there are never any surprises or secrets with me. If I feel she might question my actions, I always try to explain before she has a chance to get her feelings hurt, or take something the wrong way, because I do respect her feelings. This is where my problem arises. She and her 2 children 8/10 frequently spend the night or weekends at my place. Last night at about 11, her phone starts ringing, it is her ex bf's 18 year old son calling her repeatedly. She finally answers, takes the phone outside (cell phone reception issue), and has a 10-15 minute conversation with this young man before coming back in the house, and more or less pretending it never happened or wasn't a big deal. (If I had been in the same situation, I would have immediately explained the situation to her, so as not to offend her in any way.) My issue isn't really the fact that she is in contact with her ex bf's 18 year old son, (although i don't think it is right), It's more the fact that we had just 4 days prior, agreed to be open and honest with each other about everything. And that possibly out of respect for me, she might offer some sort of explanation??? Folks i need to know if I'm expecting too much from a relationship and if I'm out of line to feel this way. After finally telling her what was wrong this morning, she thinks I'm being ridiculous for being upset over a phone call from her ex bf's son....Am I?????
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Hello! I'm going to be blunt. For a 42 year old man, you sure sound extremely sensitive and "inexperienced". So she deleted all her male contacts - did you at least acknowledge this nice gesture that she did for you??? Being "totally open and honest" does NOT mean that she has to explain herself for everything that gets thrown her way. When her step-son called her, she has every right to talk to him and she doesn't owe you an apology or explanation! Just because she divorce his father doesn't automatically mean that she has to religuish her role as this young man's step-mom. You need to see a counselor to address your insecurities!! If I were made to choose between being with a man I've dated 6 months and being a stepmom to a son whom I've known for much longer than 6 months - you better bet that I will end my relationship with you faster than you can say, "total honesty". Geez. get a grip. see a counselor. You need to work on your self-esteem, and please, don't bring her self-esteem down too.
Author Alonehorseman Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Not exactly what i had expected!! I did in fact acknowledge the fact she had deleted her male friends, and told her that was not at all my intention. Friends are one thing, guys trying to date or simply looking for sex are another. And maybe i didn't explain the fact well enough, that the young man was not her step son. They never lived under the same roof. This is an ex boyfriends son, and i was mistaken, he is 16 not 18, and the father demanded that she not have contact with him or the other children.....Sorry to have upset you.....Thanks for the words of wisdom!!
Jig Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 From my point of view I I think you are right and wrong. I think that if a relationship is going to work it has to be open and not hide anything. On the other hand you need to be respectful when you ask for that openess you can't throw back anything in her face that you asked to know. As far as the children go for me that would be one of the worste things my husband could ever do is ask be to stop seeing a child that I cared about. My ex boyfriends son is now eight and he was born after his dad and I broke up but we had stayed friends. I can't imagine what I would do if someone asked me to not have contact with that litte boy, it would break my heart he is to big of a part of my life to give up.
Author Alonehorseman Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Guys i can understand completely not wanting to lose contact with a child....but the father has demanded that she not have contact with any of his 3 children. She is not their mother, they have a mother, and she was in their lives for just 2 years. At what point does she respect his wishes as parent/guardian?? I just don't want to see her get in any trouble, I'll hope for the best with her and the 16 year old. At this point, I don't care if they talk all day everyday, if it makes her happy. I won't interfere or put my 2 cents worth in. Hopefully his mom or dad won't ever find out and there won't be any problems....and if there are, I'll refer them to you! Thanks again for the input, I had better get off here so I can go irritate someone else....lmao
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 She is not their mother, they have a mother, and she was in their lives for just 2 years. At what point does she respect his wishes as parent/guardian?? I just don't want to see her get in any trouble, I'll hope for the best with her and the 16 year old. She may not be his blood mother, but she is obviously in the position of a mentor or someone that he seeks for help. You just can't stand between them, period. So, the "problem" that she didn't tell you about the conversation she had with him is really YOUR problem... right? As I've said before, but which you seem to ignore, you need to see a counselor. I sense that what you've posted is only the tip of "problems" you have with women. I am not irritated. I am blunt. And you did sound sincerely asking for advice.
Walk Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I didn't see Alonehorseman saying he was standing in between the gf and 16 year old boy. I think you guys really took his post way out of context. Stop badgering the poor guy. Sounded to me as if he was asking that she just be upfront about who she was talking to, or what she was doing. Not that she couldn't talk to those people, or that he was demanding she stop. And I think he's well within his rights to ask her to be upfront. If I caught my bf on myspace with 75 women (some ex's or past dates) posting flirty provacative messages, I'd pitch a fit. I'd like to say I'm more mature than that, but truth is... it would bother the heck out of me. I'd lose a bit of trust in the relationship, and I'd probably ask him to be MORE upfront then he had been in order to feel a bit more secure about his actions when I'm not around. Alonehorseman... I think you're fine man. The other posters heard "child" and jumped on the bandwagon of defense. You're not "too" sensitive. And frankly, I think you're dead on in respecting the rights of the parent. Even if she did have a close bond to the child for 2 years, she should respect the parents wishes. If the boy did call, she could offer a different avenue for the child to take (ie: counselor at school, minister at church, mother, aunt, uncle.. etc). If its something extremely serious, then why isn't the father informed of what's going on? And if it's not that serious, then why is she disrespecting the wishes of the parent? But I agree with you on this one.. she's going to get into big trouble if she keeps this up, it'll hurt the child in the long run, and its causing a disruption in your relationship. However, you aired your piece. Now you have to decide if you want to continue attempting to find a common area to stand together on, or whether you two might not be as compatible as you thought you were.
azianpride143 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Yes I agree with Walk on this. It is good he identified boundaries with the relationship. I also agree that her continual contact with her ex's is not healthy for their relationship. I don't see the reason to continually connect with an ex not unless it has to do with kids. AH, it may be hard to police a relationship. But sometimes if you put too much pressure it may not be healthy. This woman your with seems immature since she's been through so many relationships already. There may be some underlying issues not discussed here yet that may require her to get some help. It seems like she has not truly moved on from her previous relationships. Still wants to re-connect and meet other men/ex bf's. Don't know if your the fallback guy. Just my .02 cents.
Author Alonehorseman Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 It's nice to know the opinions of a man and a woman, and....even a "rather not say", lol. I thank you all again......
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