Should I label him a player based on this???

[Not_That_Innocent]

I posted the other day about meeting men and how I met a few men at a local bar and grill. Well, I went there again and started talking to the bartender. We flirted all night 'til I left. But something I noticed was several women were checking him out or seemed to really like him. A few were regulars and a few of them were female coworkers. One of them (a regular) even went as far as to ask me if he and I were together, which was weird since I never met the woman before in my life and she asked me that.

 

He gave me his # and asked me to call him when he got off. Well, I did and we talked for like 30 minutes. I teased him about all the women and he was very modest about it. He said that he doesn't have a girlfriend, but admitted that he still "messes around" with his ex. As far as his coworkers he said that he would never date any of them and they know it. With regard to the woman who asked if we were together, he said she flirts with him all the time and tells him how good she thinks he looks. (Even more weird 'cause he said she does it in front of her husband.)

He was basically very modest about everything and never admitted to having a lot of women, but given the situation I wonder if he's a player.

 

Something else that made me think he might be a player is because I called him today (returning his call) and his voicemail picked up. His outgoing message said - and I am not kidding -

 

"Hi, this is (Name.) If I'm not answering the phone it's because I'm busy or at work. All you can do is leave a message or send me a text. Don't call my job."

 

WTH? That message also gives me the impression that he's a player. What do you think?

[Pyro]

That voicemail doesn't imply whether or not he is a player. I do know that lots of bartenders do flirt alot just so they can receive more tips. If you really want to know who he really is, then why don't you ask him out on a date or something. Talk to him and get to know him on a personal level, but don't have sex with him until you at least know what his intentions are.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think any of what you mentioned defines him as a player. Bartenders and bouncers get a lot of attention from women, especially if they're funny and charming.

 

I'm not certain if you want to chase him but that's up to you. Just leave a casual message on his voicemail telling him that if he wants to get together, to give you a call. If he's interested, he'll call. Otherwise, you have your answer.

[Not_That_Innocent]

He said he would call today and he did. That's a good thing, right?

It's perfectly logical what you guys are saying about bartenders getting a lot of attention. And like I said, he seems rather modest. I will give him a chance before I make a snap judgement. Thanks for your opinions.

[oavada]

So what if he is a player? Is that such a huge sin? It's a perfectly natural and healthy thing to do as long as youre not seriously shattering someone maliciously..it's fun!

[Trialbyfire]

So what if he is a player? Is that such a huge sin? It's a perfectly natural and healthy thing to do as long as youre not seriously shattering someone maliciously..it's fun!

Players are a waste of time. It's okay to play the field but playing multiple people at the same time and giving them high expectations for the sake of ego is pure nasty.

[oavada]

Players are a waste of time. It's okay to play the field but playing multiple people at the same time and giving them high expectations for the sake of ego is pure nasty.

i suppose so...i just find it funny sometimes...it is a bit sadistic..ive been played before, i just laugh it off..everyone does those types of sadistic things...i admit, i sometimes find humor in playful cruelty.

[NinjaSpank]

As an ex-bartender, I can tell you, you get a LOT of girls hitting on you. I don't think of myself as overly attractive (I think I'm about average... my ex used to tell me I had a nice butt *shurg*) and I was AMAZED at how often I got hit on. There are a lot of reasons for it, but really, it was because of what I always tell people. "Be nice to your bartender, waitress and hairstylist. 'Cause if you piss one of them off, they will make your life REALLY unpleasant". They wanted good (sometimes over poured) drinks. Plus, they love the attention. Thats how bar-fly's are. Man AND women.

 

As far as playing goes, being a 'player' isn't wrong. Whats wrong, is deception. If you are with someone, or are attracted to someone who is up front about their dating habits, then its your decision to get involved. I've seen way too many women date a 'player' because "They know he'll change his ways if he dates me". And that, leads to tragedy. I've also known a lot of players who committed solely to one girl, because she ASKED HIM TO. She didn't just hope, she didn't expect it, she said "Hey, I want to be the only girl you see. Can you do that?" and he said "Yup".

 

Okay, hope this helps!

 

-B

[Pyro]

As an ex-bartender, I can tell you, you get a LOT of girls hitting on you. I don't think of myself as overly attractive (I think I'm about average... my ex used to tell me I had a nice butt *shurg*) and I was AMAZED at how often I got hit on. There are a lot of reasons for it, but really, it was because of what I always tell people. "Be nice to your bartender, waitress and hairstylist. 'Cause if you piss one of them off, they will make your life REALLY unpleasant". They wanted good (sometimes over poured) drinks. Plus, they love the attention. Thats how bar-fly's are. Man AND women.

 

As far as playing goes, being a 'player' isn't wrong. Whats wrong, is deception. If you are with someone, or are attracted to someone who is up front about their dating habits, then its your decision to get involved. I've seen way too many women date a 'player' because "They know he'll change his ways if he dates me". And that, leads to tragedy. I've also known a lot of players who committed solely to one girl, because she ASKED HIM TO. She didn't just hope, she didn't expect it, she said "Hey, I want to be the only girl you see. Can you do that?" and he said "Yup".

 

Okay, hope this helps!

 

-B

 

Thats perfectly fine if the guy is up front and honest about his opinions. At that point it would be the girls fault if she got hurt for not listening to him and still proceeding forward.

 

The problem is that alot of players lie about their intentions and will say whatever it takes to get the girl in bed. Actually I wouldn't call them players. They would be more associated with being a jerk.

[NinjaSpank]

The problem is that alot of players lie about their intentions and will say whatever it takes to get the girl in bed. Actually I wouldn't call them players. They would be more associated with being a jerk.

 

 

/agree Thats not 'playing', thats 'lying'. Definitely not the same and DEFINITELY not okay. We are 100% on the same page on that one.

[Pyro]

/agree Thats not 'playing', thats 'lying'. Definitely not the same and DEFINITELY not okay. We are 100% on the same page on that one.

 

Good deal.

 

I just realized that in that post above I put "opinions", when I meant "intentions".

[underpants]

I have some thoughts on this. I worked in several bars off and on over a course of like 10 years. Good extra money. Anyway.

 

All kinds of cats work in the restaurant business so yes, you have your players, jerks, students, left over humanities graduates (raise my hand), and folks just trying to pay some bills, then there are the regulars who are their own mixed bag of fun.

 

I don't know how old you or this bartender is, however, a couple of things you mentioned leave me....suspect.

 

His phone message leaves me with the impression that he gives his number out alot, and that he doesn't want to be tracked down at work, by ...whomever, or so many people that he needs to leave this as his outgoing message?

 

His admission that he still fools around with his ex disturbs me. I would venture to guess that she may not be fully aware that she is an ex, or that he is looking to blend relationships. At the very least she is an issue before you even consider dating him, this is called a FLAG.

 

There were fellow bartenders that slept with the girls that came into the bar and were all about juggling women, one was even married (yucko, incidently he was the one that got beat up in my other post, karma dudes). There were also some good upstanding men that didn't go there when they were in relationships and were just flattered if a women was interested, so like I said it was a mixed bag.

 

If you still think it is worth it go on a few dates with him, but be cautious and observant, and just kindly walk away if he is too much of a flirt for you to handle.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Not_That_Innocent]

I have some thoughts on this. I worked in several bars off and on over a course of like 10 years. Good extra money. Anyway.

 

All kinds of cats work in the restaurant business so yes, you have your players, jerks, students, left over humanities graduates (raise my hand), and folks just trying to pay some bills, then there are the regulars who are their own mixed bag of fun.

 

I don't know how old you or this bartender is, however, a couple of things you mentioned leave me....suspect.

 

His phone message leaves me with the impression that he gives his number out alot, and that he doesn't want to be tracked down at work, by ...whomever, or so many people that he needs to leave this as his outgoing message?

 

His admission that he still fools around with his ex disturbs me. I would venture to guess that she may not be fully aware that she is an ex, or that he is looking to blend relationships. At the very least she is an issue before you even consider dating him, this is called a FLAG.

 

There were fellow bartenders that slept with the girls that came into the bar and were all about juggling women, one was even married (yucko, incidently he was the one that got beat up in my other post, karma dudes). There were also some good upstanding men that didn't go there when they were in relationships and were just flattered if a women was interested, so like I said it was a mixed bag.

 

If you still think it is worth it go on a few dates with him, but be cautious and observant, and just kindly walk away if he is too much of a flirt for you to handle.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

Unders - love your screen name and avatar by the way. You put into words my general feeling of why I am suspect. When I heard his message the first thing I thought about is how many people have his # and how many people must attempt to contact him on the job. I would assume the callers aren't family members or close friends as he could just as easily tell them not to call him at work. So it makes me think, like you said, is he juggling lots of women, has he slept with a lot of women that have come into the bar and they are trying to track him down, etc. etc. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. We have a date tonight when he gets off. He asked me to come in and have drinks first so it will give me the opportunity to again observe how he behaves around the ladies.

 

One more thing I forgot to add to the OP. A gentleman at the bar last night noticed me talking to him and when he walked away the gentleman said, "We call him smooth Lou." (His name is Louis) Hmmmmm!!!!

[underpants]

Smooth Lou, ahhhh.

 

Well, he will be on his best behavior because you are a new conquest. Smooth Lou, I love it.

 

I get the vibe that he might be a chaser of sorts and that he might get bored easily and forgets the chicks number and moves on. Ignoring someone of course would make them want to call you at work so they could make sure you were not in fact dead before they write you off completely. Smooth move indeed, not.

 

Well, I don't know what you want with Smooth Lou, but at least in should be entertaining for a little while. Be careful, with your heart and girl, with your body. Smooth Lou might get around.

 

My final advice....Keep you Underpants ON for a while longer.

 

Take care,

Unders

[Trialbyfire]

Be careful, with your heart and girl, with your body.

This doesn't just apply to concern about players. It's good advice all around especially since she barely knows him.

[underpants]

True that TBF, true that...

[Star Gazer]

His phone message leaves me with the impression that he gives his number out alot, and that he doesn't want to be tracked down at work, by ...whomever, or so many people that he needs to leave this as his outgoing message?

 

 

This is what I tend to think as well.

 

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, but I will never again date a cute, charming, often-chased bartender. Just sayin'.

[Not_That_Innocent]

Update about my date with "Smooth Lou" -

 

I went to see him at the bar beforehand as he requested. There were several regulars there and several of them knew that I was there to see Lou. I don't really know how they knew, like if he had told them or because they had seen me there before they just figured it out. Made me kind of leary 'cause I thought perhaps he had been talking about me, but oh well.

 

He wanted to go to a club but I was tired and told him I would much rather go someplace and just chill out and talk. So we went to his place.

Two of his work buddies showed up as he had told them earlier they could come over and burn some cd's. I was glad they did 'cause that kind of broke the ice between us and helped me relax a bit. After they left we talked for a while. He's a very sensitive guy - a quality I really like in a man. We are both Pisces and I get the impression we are a lot alike.

We just talked, nothing happened ...

 

Until someone started banging on his door and windows. As it turns out, it was the ex. He went outside and talked to her. I don't know if he told her I was there or not, but she probably figured it out since my car was outside and the fact he wouldn't let her in. She was there for 10-15 minutes. He came back in several times to get some of her stuff to give to her ... so apparently she's there a lot. After she left he was very apologetic. I didn't want to ask too many questions, but at the same time I kind of wanted to know what was going on. He said it was his ex, that he was sorry but didn't elaborate. I decided to take off. He seemed very concerned about me being mad at him, but I told him I wasn't. He told me several times not to worry, that I could feel safe at his place, etc. He was very sweet about it.

 

This morning he left me a VM message saying he hoped I wasn't mad, he had a good time and hopes things are right with us. I believe him, but at the same time he probably just doesn't want to mess up the opportunity to get me in bed ... I don't know what to think. My general impression of him is good, he seems like a nice guy. But based on the whole ex thing I'm thinking he's a player.

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like if you want to continue with this man, for you to be prepared for some ex-drama...

 

The other component is that he's getting you to do the work by coming to him and it's usually with others present. Most men are interested in being alone with you so they have your...umm...undivided attention.

[Not_That_Innocent]

It sounds like if you want to continue with this man, for you to be prepared for some ex-drama...

 

The other component is that he's getting you to do the work by coming to him and it's usually with others present. Most men are interested in being alone with you so they have your...umm...undivided attention.

 

So help me out. What does it mean that he makes me come to him? That he likes the thrill of the chase. Or like someone else said he will try to get what he wants then become bored with me? The fact that he had his friends over, is that bad? Like maybe he's not really into me, or something ... just wants to get to second base? Once we were alone he didn't put the moves on me too much. He seemed more interested in getting to know me.

 

I told someone else about it and they say he's probably not a player. Their opinion is that one thing about a player is that they lack empathy and that's what makes them a player 'cause they don't care about other people's feelings. Lou seemed to geniuinely care whether I was mad, whether I felt safe etc. But do you think it was all an act just to get in my pants?

 

ETA: Your comments have really got me thinking. He told me last night that all the guys at the bar think I'm hot. So maybe he has me coming to him because it's an ego trip. He probably can't wait to get in my pants so he can brag to the guys that he had me. OMG! I don't know what to think.

[underpants]

Oh, poor smooth Lou,

 

My feeling is that he is not 'boyfriend' material.

 

I am sure he is very nice and charming, the best players are. Don't be too gullible, you will kick yourself later.

 

I don't know what the situation with the ex is, but I do see that it is an issue, one that I would probably walk away from. (Been there, done that).

 

I guess, if you want some casual fun, then smooth Lou is your guy. Just don't expect him to turn into something more then what he is presently showing you.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Not_That_Innocent]

Oh, poor smooth Lou,

 

My feeling is that he is not 'boyfriend' material.

 

I am sure he is very nice and charming, the best players are. Don't be too gullible, you will kick yourself later.

 

I don't know what the situation with the ex is, but I do see that it is an issue, one that I would probably walk away from. (Been there, done that).

 

I guess, if you want some casual fun, then smooth Lou is your guy. Just don't expect him to turn into something more then what he is presently showing you.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

Okay, thanks Unders. I do need to keep things in perspective. I really am just looking for casual fun - not a boyfriend. My whole reason for frequenting the bar and grill was just a way to get out and meet people ... okay, okay ... to get out and meet men.

 

My concern about him being a player stems from the fact that the last guy I was with we were just friends (with benefits) and he turned out to be a real jerk. I think part of the reason is that he's just a player through and through. We were just friends, it didn't bother me that he was seeing other women. I just didn't like his player qualities. He's very arrogant, totally lacks empathy, lied all the time. When I needed a friend he was never there but always expected me to be there for him - stuff like that. So when I met "Smooth Lou" my player radar started going off. I don't mind being just friends. I just don't want to get involved with a guy who is a player with player qualities. Maybe I'm naive, but I think it's possible for men to be seeing several women at one time and not be a player. The difference is whether or not he's honest with them about it.

[Trialbyfire]

How was it left? Are you going out soon or was it left up in the air?

[Not_That_Innocent]

How was it left? Are you going out soon or was it left up in the air?

 

He said something about maybe going to a movie tonight. He gets off work at 5:00 so I will wait and see if he calls.

[Trialbyfire]

He said something about maybe going to a movie tonight. He gets off work at 5:00 so I will wait and see if he calls.

Perfect. Let him come pick you up. If he insists you meet him at the bar so he can put you on his arm like a trophy, suggest that he come get you instead.