bonnie_1976 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I'll try to make this as short as possible. After a 2 yr long affair, I broke it off to try and salvage my marriage and myself. I came clean to the DH and we've been working on it since. Flash foward two years and ex-om contacts me to get together for drinks. I've managed to write him completely off yet he still finds me (when I switched jobs, changed cell number, went into hiding basically). I agree to meet with him under the impression he'll let me have it with how he really feels about me for breaking it off with him (you would not believe the horrible emails he sent me). He'll tell me off I'll be embarrassed for a minute and he'll be on with his life. Instead he tells me how wonderful his new relationship is although he leaves out the part where he divorced his wife and is now engaged to another woman. I keep the convo short and civil and we part ways. The crappy part is that I looked at the time frame between his nasty emails to me and when he got engaged and now I really feel bad for his gf. He tells me he loves her and just wants to be friends with me. I just don't think this is appropriate behavior considering the circumstances. I do love my husband and we've managed to get past this but his new gf is unaware of all this. I feel as if I do maintain a cordial friendship with him it would be unfair to my husband and his soon to be wife. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 You can't be friends with him at all. It's not fair to your husband...There's NO real reason to be friends with exOM. In all honesty, it shouldn't matter what exOM feels so just tell him goodbye and go NC (no contact) mode. Let him focus on his soon to be wife.... Does your H know exOM has been contacting you at all?
Author bonnie_1976 Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Thanks for the reply... And yes DH has access to my email account and cell phone so he knows everything that is going on.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 So, how does he feel about all this? And, ask yourself this. WHAT GOOD can come of being exOM's friend? WHY do you want his friendship?
Curmudgeon Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Does your husband know you met with him? I, too, think it would be wrong to maintain any kind of relationship with him and if I was your husband, the fact that you met with him at all, no matter how "innocently," would likely be the final deal-breaker. As always, just one man's opinion! Edited to add: I just read where your husband does, in fact, know you met with him. As Dr. Phil would ask, "How is that working for him?"
Author bonnie_1976 Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Well DH has never really gotten over it and I doubt he ever will. As far as how he's feeling? I don't know he doesn't speak much about anything these days. He's an introvert and despite always being there for him, he has other issues that he has to work out. He prefers to keep everything to himself, that's the way he has always been. As for x-om I didn't initiate contact and have avoided all his attempts at contact thus far so no I had made no attempts to be his "friend". That's why I don't understand where this is coming from.
Curmudgeon Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 As for x-om I didn't initiate contact and have avoided all his attempts at contact thus far so no I had made no attempts to be his "friend". That's why I don't understand where this is coming from. In my opinion you don't need to know where this is coming from. All you need to know is that you gave in to it and met with him. Where did THAT come from? That's what counts.
Author bonnie_1976 Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 I'm not an insecure person so I don't know what's appropriate and what's not. That's why I'm asking.
Curmudgeon Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I'm not an insecure person so I don't know what's appropriate and what's not. That's why I'm asking. Then perhaps a good rule of thumb is, if you have to ask, don't do it. Also, put yourself in your husband's shoes. If he'd had an affair then ended it, would you feel comfortable with hiom maintaining contact and a relationship with the OW? Perhaps that could frame your approach in the future. If it was me as the betrayed spouse (and I was one once), continued involvement of any nature would be like rubbing salt into the wound.
sb129 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Bonnie, you have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to the ex OM. You don't have to be friends, in fact I agree with everyone else, and think that it would be highly inappropriate and disrespectful to your husband to be friends with the ex OM. He obviously has some motivation behind wanting to contact you, most likely to let you know he is "fine". but trying to interpret his motivation is pointless. Break all contact with him, and if he contacts you again, ignore him. You owe it to your husband.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I'm not an insecure person so I don't know what's appropriate and what's not. That's why I'm asking. This has nothing to do with being insecure or secure - Fact remains, the OM is your ex-affair partner so your husband has EVERY right to be upset, jealous, hurt, and angry with you. Ofcourse it's NOT appropriate, sorry, but that just seems like common sense.... Well DH has never really gotten over it and I doubt he ever will. Especially since you're well aware your H hasn't gotten over it and you doubt he ever will...So, how is having a friendship with exOM a good thing? Your H's feelings should matter more to you than exOM's feelings.
Cobra_X30 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I dont reveal my feelings to someone I dont trust. You dont sound like someone your husband can trust. How could you think he would ever open up to you??? Would you open up to someone that hurt you??
Recommended Posts