ahah2322 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 hi guys. i have been in a relationship w my bf for 2.5 years after a mutual breakup of 2 week following which he got me back. however, old problems i once faced started resurfacing. i truly need him to be more romantic. i love to be pampered and i guess this is how i feel loved. everyone feels loved in different ways. i love to receive flowers and gifts and be taken out for ice cream and movies, et cetera. he hates to do all of this. we talked about this before and he is very practical and on the other hand, i like to do 'frivolous' things. please do not get me wrong. he's a nice guy who takes care of me alot. im close with his entire family and he treats me well and tucks me into bed everynight; reading me my fairy bedtime story when i ask for it. he carries on his back when im tired and is very trustworthy and open about everything. he sends me halfway home and we relatively live far from each other! he's very accepting and does not mind not meeting my family as my family doesn't like him for all superficial reasons about him not being aesthetically pleasing enough etc. he used to get upset about this but is quite alright with it right now. he has taught me alot; how to be sensitive to people, how to be less self centered, etc and has truly made me a better person. i reciprocate and i show i love him by doing things like picking him up from the airport when he comes back from family holidays, get physically intimate (well, i try to. after 2.5 years, we've progressed to oral so heyhey i tried ohkay. im very liberal when it comes to porn and everything else phone sex etc, but im not ready to commit to making love and im quite insistent about it. i guess its a girly thing) i am not the jealous and obsessive type and therefore never try to curb his freedom. in addition, i look pretty and study well for him (and for myself of course) and he's extremely proud of me being both gorgeous and intelligent. i try to cook for him though i don't know how to and the last time i tried to make cookies for him, the oven caught fire. i buy pretty clothes and accessories for him which he loves (and i know so cause he wears them out when he goes to clubs and all; and i want him to look irresistible when he goes out to socialize and all etc) everything is fine and the reason why we mutually broke off the last time was because i am always too busy with my studies (him feeling neglected) and he is not romantic enough for me. we've talked about this many times before and it always ended in pandemoniums. when i bring it up (and i try to in a non hostile and affable manner) he flares up and keeps accusing me of being demanding and not appreciative enough. he also abhors my 'frivoility' and wants me to be more practical. how can i get him to do romantic things? not excessively, but maybe occassionally? i like being pampered and i try to pamper him so whats wrong???? how can i get him to do things like buy me flowers, take me out for ice cream dates, nice long walks in the park without me asking???? its affecting me quite abit. thanks, debbiegirl
Touche Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Maybe someone else can give you a response that gives you some hope but in my experience, this won't work. Square peg, round hole. You want what he's not able to give you. He sounds like a great guy though. But you're not going to change him. Can you change your expectations? There are plenty of romantic guys who are also jerks too you know? This is a tough one. I don't like being negative but you're not going to change him. He is who he is. You either have to accept that or move on. And as I say, you can either change yourself and your expectations or you're going to continue to be dissatisfied. Because he's not going to suddenly change. Anyway, I don't really get this. He sounds pretty romantic to me. Flowers die. And as for gifts, sounds like he's already giving you the biggest gift of all..himself. No offense but you sound a tad shallow. You sound pretty young too. As you get older and mature you'll understand better that flowers and gifts are meaningless. But when a person gives of THEMSELVES...now THAT'S something. Think about it. And I wouldn't keep harping about this to him. He might one day get fed up with it and find someone who appreciates who he is with no complaint.
Author ahah2322 Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 hey touche, thank you so much for your candid and earnest response. i think you are right cos its nothing i haven't heard before. though its quite a 'slap in the face' hearing it from someone else. thank you... for i would have kicked up a big fuss and whine about it. gosh, i really dislike myself sometimes for being so immature. yes im quite young (18) but i guess this is not an excuse for my self-absorbed and vain expectations/ behaviour. i'd better learn to be more appreciative and i suppose this applies not only to my bf but everyone else. maybe i just love flowers too much haha! well hollywood is pervasive!!!!! not to mention, unrealistic. i will try to work on myself. love debbiegirl
Touche Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Well, you're welcome debbie. And now I feel badly. I hope you don't think I was too harsh. Actually you just impressed me very much with your maturity to admit what you have. It takes a big person to do that too. And hey, we ALL need to work on ourselves..no matter what our age and/or maturity level. Good luck ok? And tell your wonderful b/f how much you appreciate him.
Vertex Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 All I can say is, after being in the relationships I've been in, I'd be so glad to have someone like who you at least understands the concept of doing nice things in return and reciprocating. If you did those things for me and wanted me to be more romantic, then I'd at least make the effort. A huge strength in good relationships is the ability to compromise and do things for one another, even if they make us uncomfortable. Over time, those uncomfortable things may not become so unnerving, as we know that our girl/boyfriends will really appreciate it. Trust me, usually when a girl complains about a guy not being romantic, I tend to raise a red flag if they aren't reciprocating at all. Usually girls tend to have this idea that unless their boyfriend is a knight in shining armor on a daily basis, they aren't worth it somehow. It sounds like he is at least not neglecting you, but I don't think it is too much for any man to take a girl out to get some ice cream or surprise her with a gift once in a while, even if it's just a little something on the way back home. I also understand the importance of studies and how difficult they can be at times. I feel that you two may have different priorities. His idea of appreciation may differ from your own, but when it comes to practicality, one must understand that it takes nothing to go out for ice cream. All I have to say there.
Author ahah2322 Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 thanks vertex. well, i guess being romantic shouldn't be a big thing for me as long as he's still nice and sweet to me. though i would really love for him to surprise me once in a while- though i guess its not worth making a big fuss about. whining is the greatest pet peeve i guess. and he does surprise me.... but i don't exactly appreciate it.... you see, im too dreamy for my own good and harbour my own secret fantasies and his surprise doesn't seem to coincide with my fantasies. yes i have to learn to be more appreciative. A huge strength in good relationships is the ability to compromise and do things for one another, even if they make us uncomfortable. Over time, those uncomfortable things may not become so unnerving, as we know that our girl/boyfriends will really appreciate it. yes! i agree with you on that and i hope we can work towards it. or at least i will have to take the first step and try to love him the way he likes it. (something which i don't do... its one of those girly romantic ideals that men should always take initiative) but i guess its fair. you can't expect when you don't give. gosh. you see im a very illogical person!!! i hate being too dreamy princessy and girly... it always ups my expectations.. something not good in a relationship. Trust me, usually when a girl complains about a guy not being romantic, I tend to raise a red flag if they aren't reciprocating at all. Usually girls tend to have this idea that unless their boyfriend is a knight in shining armor on a daily basis, they aren't worth it somehow. It sounds like he is at least not neglecting you, but I don't think it is too much for any man to take a girl out to get some ice cream or surprise her with a gift once in a while, even if it's just a little something on the way back home. gosh! you hit the nail. i always have the idea that my bf is like my 'knight in shining armour'' i guess i cannot be a perpetual damsel in distress or my man would just leave for Xena or some heroine. thanks vertex.
oavada Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 just dont demand too much from him...sounds like you want him to be and do everything absolutely perfectly or you want every moment to be some sort of magical climax like in the movies...ive been there and i know where this poor guy is at haha.
PinkAngelStar Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I don't think you can force anyone to be romantic, surely if you keep telling him you want him to be romantic and he finally does something like takes you out and movie etc, wouldn't you feel like you've basically forced him too? I certainly would. I prefer them to do as they feel, not as I tell them to do. You don't need material things like flowers and chocolates to show someone you love them, anyone can buy flowers, but small things, like carrying you on his back when you're tired shows he does think of you. Appriciate what you've got with him, and stop concentrating on what you can get, as you'll miss the beauty of his other actions.
shadowofman Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 It is my personal experience that the bar for romance is constantly raised and all romance is destined to fade over time. Unless your rich and you could wisk your lover away, without notice to a tropical cabana or something stupid like that (it's only stupid cause I don't have the means. lol). I was intensely romanitic with my wife for the first year or so. I continued to be romantic beyond that but it seriously went unnoticed. My wife used to bug me about needing more romance even though I never stopped. The romantic deeds (writing love notes, flowers, cards, ice cream dates, and much much more) were accepted but not recognized as romantic,... anymore. It was almost as if the next day she had no memory of the deed. Once I pointed this out to her, she stopped asking for romance. And unfortunately I've since slacking in doing nice things. (!!!!!Mental note!!!!) I believe that "romance" is commonly misunderstood and is falsely assumed as something that can be controlled. I believe that it is the personification of a chemcal reaction in the brain that would better be described as "romantic love". The feeling of falling for someone. Sometimes, if you fall out of love with someone, you can fall back in love and get those feelings all over again. Most of the time you could just expect it to slowly go away or get it from someone else. The deeds are a different story, especially if you actually recognized your SO's efforts.
electric_sheep Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Unfortunately, it's hard to get someone to be romantic that isn't. My current girlfriend was the most unromantic girl I've ever dated. Some of her infamous quotes include "I believe everyone has 5000 soulmates", and "I like f*cking beter than making love". Then there is the time she told me about her ex giving her 25 orgasms. Oddly, now she is far more romantic than me, and I think it's almost humorous how she tries to back peddle and be all gushy now. Sometimes I remind her good humoredly about some of the things she used to say. It's interesting how silly romance seems when you don't need it, but how much it can hurt not to get it when you do need it. If a guy isn't romantic at first, it's unlikely things are going to improve much, as those intensely romantic feelings generally only abate with time.
electric_sheep Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I believe that "romance" is commonly misunderstood and is falsely assumed as something that can be controlled. I believe that it is the personification of a chemcal reaction in the brain that would better be described as "romantic love". The feeling of falling for someone. Sometimes, if you fall out of love with someone, you can fall back in love and get those feelings all over again. Most of the time you could just expect it to slowly go away or get it from someone else. yeap. One can always fake it, but this is where the real deal comes from.
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