Jig Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I have been married to my husband now for almost five years. About a year ago he took up the sport of paintball. I am very happy for him that he has found something that he loves, but I never see him. We both work full time and he gets home around 7pm every night then spends two to three hours on the computer talking to his paintball buddies by that time it is time for us to go to bed. He spends two to three saturdays a month playing all day then on sundays by the time we are done with church it is time to get ready for monday. I have been asking if he would spend a little more time with me for months and I told him I was getting lonely. Well back in may one of my best friends since I was in first grade (that happens to be a male) got out of the Marines and moved back to town. I was thrilled I have really missed him. We never dated or even came close to dating. On my birthday my husband left me at my sisters house at eight in the morning because the night before we had got in a fight because I told him I told him I was feeling neglected because he was spending so much time on his hobby. When I got home that day he did not say a word to me so I went to see a movie with my friend and his kids and my husband threw a fit. I just don't know what to do anymore, he won't make time for me but I'm not supposed to do anything else. Help
NinjaSpank Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I'm not sure specifically if there is anything I can say that will help your situation, but I can, as a guy, at least offer some insight. Also, I'm a babbler, so apologies in advance. THe paintballing thing is touchy. Not knowing about how you two were beforehand, I can tell you from experience that paintball teams are usually very close. Not quite the military type of thing, but pretty close. Anytime you are in a situation where you are relying on people to watch your back from attack... you form a bond. The fact that he would spend so much time with them suggests to me that, maybe he has a bond is missing? Does he have any prior military or team-building history? If you are open to it, you may try joining him in it. You dont have to be as hard core, but I think if you participated genuinely for a couple of times, he'll form that same bond with you, and then even if you stop going as often, that bond will remain. It could help him ween off his buddies if he has one at home. As far as your military friend and the movies... thats just a hard situation. Its nothing you did wrong, but you have to keep this in mind. Its an old friend of yours. He's in the military (we guys know how much you ladies love a guy in uniform, even if you really dont). And, heres the important thing... you've told your husband how lonely you are. Again, not that its warrented, but can you see why he might freak out? Even if its his own fault you're lonely, he still knows you are, and now your hanging out with this old friend. Again, the only thing I can reccomend is to try and join him in his hobby, just a little bit. Even if you just say 'So, tell me how this all works?'. Even if you already know, let him explain it. We as people love nothing more then to explain our passion to other people. You can also try and get him to join you on your hobbies (whatever they may be). Again, the most important thing is that you two are doing something together, which will hopefully bleed off into the other parts of your relationship. Hope this helps! -B
Author Jig Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 I know what you are saying about joining him. That is why I'm sitting in Utah right now for a the Elite Paintball weekend trip that he won a couple of weeks ago. Believe me there are many other things I would rather be doing. As for him he has never been in the military, and I do understand that he needs this kind of bonding with other men. As far as my friend goes I guess it's just hard for me to understand because guys have always been my friends. I think I maybe had four friends that were girls all through high school, and two of them were twice my age. I guess I just have a hard time getting along with other girls. So you would think this paintball thing would be great since I am hanging out with alot of guys. But another problem is that all they see me as is his wife not a friend. Thank you very much for your advice!!!!
oavada Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Ok so youre husband wants to be a warrior and hes play acting this role with paintball, and you run off with a real life warrior marine to a movie..i can see how that might upset the guy..it's almost as if youre saying he isnt the real man..i would just wait it out..eventually he'll get tired of paintball and spend more time with you...i think marriage is a long ordeal and the more time you spend away from each other the better off you actually are...imagine being side by side with someone every moment..the paintball is a nice marriage vacation for him probably..just chill, let him do his thing is my opinion...why be so needy?
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Jig, I don't know how old the two of you are but obsessing about paintball while neglecting his wife sounds very immature. We all have hobbies, interests, jobs, family and relationships. A mature person would prioritize and balance out the rest.
Author Jig Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 LOL I'm sorry but the whole thing about me running off with a "real live worrior" if further then he even went with our fight. That is not how I see him at all he is like my brother we grew up together. I guess I thought by going and letting him do his thing while I hung out with a friend was being less needy. I'm still so new at the whole being married thing I'm 25 and he is 28. All I know right now is that I love him and I don't think it's a bad thing for me to need him a little. Aren't married people supposed to need the other one to an extent? Why else would we get married if we didn't want, need and love the other person?
oavada Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 why put so much regulations and rules on it? why not just let him do his thing and let him be free in the paintball thing within the marriage? Eventually you will have time together and it will be special...i dont think every moment has to be magical in a marriage..some separation i think can be healthy..why not do your own thing too? It gets stifling for a guy if a woman is around you every moment...men need breaks from all that emotional stuff of the female.
NinjaSpank Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Hmmm... Need is a pretty powerful word. I know there are a lot of people out there (and on this board) who will tell you 'Lord no! You should never NEED to be with someone! You should only need yourself' and all that, which is great, but lonely. Deep down I think we all NEED someone, just be sure you understand WHY you need them. I know I need someone to tell me to shut-up once in a while. Someone to praise me when I do something right. This I know. BUt I also know that (now) I dont 'need' someone to be happy. I dont 'need' someone to feel complete. But that takes time, and to be honest, I've only recently been figuring out. Another thing that I forgot to mention earlier, make sure you talk to him about this. I can promise you that if he finds out you've been talking to us about this without talking to him, he's gonna be unhappy. And I'm not talking about 'I tell him I'm lonely' type of talking. I mean, sit down, across from each other and say 'Hey, this is how I feel. This is what you're doing makes me think and feel'. You guys got married pretty young, and that makes things harder, but you can do it. Its just going to take a lot of communication and you have to be willing to put your foot down if its gone to far. Relationships arnt easy. If they were, everyone would be in one. As far as maturity goes, I'm 27 and I still play video games. I wouldn't choose to play them over being with my significant other (and it has come up) but thats not about maturity. If it makes you happy, and you aren't hurting anyone (well, in the case of paint balling, not hurt them unintentionally. ) then go for it! Life's to short to be 'grown up' about hobbies. Besides, maturity isn't an age thing, its experience. I'm gonna guess that he hasn't been married before, so this is him learning as he goes. Same for you, I'm guessing. Don't try and 'figure him out'. Just ask him. 'Why do you spend so much time with them and not with me'. He'll likely tell you. Then go from there. Be aware though that if you get an answer that isn't an answer, you may have to ask a different question. Guys aren't NORMALLY deceptive by nature, but we often don't understand what it is you want to know. Okay, getting off my soapbox now. Good luck! -B
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