mystic_pizza Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Hi all, I am new here and have a question. I have recently gotten involved with a MM (first time for both of us) and not quite sure I should continue the relationship. He is a bit older than me and has said that his marriage is dead as far as sex and friendship goes. He said they sleep in separate bedrooms and haven't had sex in 10 years (or so he has told me). Their kids are grown and living their own lives. I am single with grown children. We have been involved for about six months and my feelings for him are getting more intense. He professes his love to me and says that he wants me to be his future wife. This is where the problem comes in. When the weekend comes, he tells me of his plans with his wife and refers to them as "we" when doing so. Here is my question. I know they are a "we", but do I really need to hear about it as "we"? I would really rather not hear about his plans with his wife, it is none of my business. It hurts and makes me question whether or not he really means what he says when it comes to us. I didn't want to get involved with him in the first place because he was married, yet he persued me aggressively telling me his marriage was dead. He said calling it cohabitation was a big stretch. So I gave in because I really liked him and now it is getting really hard. Does this make any sense? I am thinking of ending the relationship. I am not really sure he means what he says. It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. I really love him and want to believe him, but the doubts are getting stronger and stronger. Not sure what to do. Should I stay and see what happens? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Star Gazer Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 When the weekend comes, he tells me of his plans with his wife and refers to them as "we" when doing so. He said calling it cohabitation was a big stretch. Do these statements make sense when joined together? Most roommates don't use the word "we." Couples don't even use the word "we" unless they're committed to each other. I am thinking of ending the relationship. Take it from someone who's been there, this is a good idea. I am not really sure he means what he says. It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. He doesn't, and you are. The gal in "Mystic Pizza" didn't end up any better off with her MM than you will. Move on.
Author mystic_pizza Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Thank you Star Gazer for giving me a reality check. Everything is so great when we are together, but then he always throws in the "we" when talking about his wife and then, for me, it goes down hill from there. It is always right before he leaves and I feel like I am left holding a dirty bag or something. I am going to end it because I don't like feeling this way. It is going to be so damn hard though. When we are together the conversation is endless and we are on the same level with so many things. Arrrrggggh! I should have listened to the little voice in my head that said no no no in the very beginning! Now I am left with all of these intense feelings that I will have to get over because I fell in love with him. It totally sucks!
Star Gazer Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 You are on the same level basically about one thing: sex. Every other level is met with his WIFE. He leaves you each time to go home to her, right? If she really was nothing more than a cohabitant, there would be nothing keeping him there. The fact of the matter is you are not really in love with him. If that's what love is, trust me, you don't want it. Once you remove yourself from this mess, you'll be able to see that more clearly. It will take time, but you will eventually understand what a dangerous path you're walking on. The sooner you end this, the sooner you'll begin to heal and trust again. Also, pick either this thread or the other to continue with this discussion. Don't maintain identical threads - it makes the mods a little angry.
Author mystic_pizza Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 I know, sorry about the double thread. I tried to copy the other posters reply in the duplicate, but there is no copy funtion. So I will let touche know to reply to this one. The fact is, I do love him, but I am really hurt and angry about the situation right now.
Lizzie60 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Hi all, I am new here and have a question. I have recently gotten involved with a MM (first time for both of us) and not quite sure I should continue the relationship. He is a bit older than me and has said that his marriage is dead as far as sex and friendship goes. He said they sleep in separate bedrooms and haven't had sex in 10 years (or so he has told me). Their kids are grown and living their own lives. I am single with grown children. We have been involved for about six months and my feelings for him are getting more intense. He professes his love to me and says that he wants me to be his future wife. This is where the problem comes in. When the weekend comes, he tells me of his plans with his wife and refers to them as "we" when doing so. Here is my question. I know they are a "we", but do I really need to hear about it as "we"? I would really rather not hear about his plans with his wife, it is none of my business. It hurts and makes me question whether or not he really means what he says when it comes to us. I didn't want to get involved with him in the first place because he was married, yet he persued me aggressively telling me his marriage was dead. He said calling it cohabitation was a big stretch. So I gave in because I really liked him and now it is getting really hard. Does this make any sense? I am thinking of ending the relationship. I am not really sure he means what he says. It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. I really love him and want to believe him, but the doubts are getting stronger and stronger. Not sure what to do. Should I stay and see what happens? Any advice is greatly appreciated. I have to go with my feeling from what I read... I think this guy is lying... 10 years is a loooong time... and he says you're the first A... I don't buy that one second. You should have listened to your 'little voice' I always do now... it's never ever wrong. Now you're in love and you'll eventually get hurt. He hasn't had sex with his wife for 10 years... they live like roomates.. but he makes 'plans' with his wife... sorry but this guy is a liar... big time. Of course he will say he loves you... he will say whatever it takes to 'keep' you... he wants sex... he won't get involved emotionally... trust me on that one. What should you do? It depends if you can do this without the commitment or any expectations from him...but if you think you'll eventually fall head over heels for this guy...get out NOW...before both his W and you get hurt. It's only been 6 months... but he can easily drag this A for the next 10 years.
silent_cadence Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Please take a look at what I've just been through, don't put yourself thru this. If you don't think they are sleeping together, you are a bigger fool than I was. You will get hurt if you continue seeing this man. Best of luck to you though.
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Really, all it takes is a quick read of many of the OW's stories within this forum to get a grasp of what most OW experience....PAIN. A lot of pain. And more pain. The only way to stop it is to end it and go complete NC. I once read someone on the breaking up/coping forum explain why NC is so critical at the end of a relationship. Basically, a breakup sucks - it leaves you with a big fat wound. Only time can allow that wound to heal. Maintaining any sort of contact with the person is like picking at the scab - it reopens the wound, preventing it from healing, and causing you only more pain. Well, a relationship with a MM is a lot like that. You have this great big wound when you're not with him. It temporarily heals when you're with him, a little scab developes. But then everytime he leaves, you're left picking at that scab. It's a vicious cycle. End it. End it today, and never look back.
Author mystic_pizza Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Wow, thanks Star Gazer, never thought about it that way, but you are right. It is like a wound being picked at. And thank you everyone else for your replies, everyone has been very helpful and you have given me a lot to think about.
sadbuttrue Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 just wanted to say my MM never says we. he talks about things he and his boys are going to do, but i have to ask specifically if his W is also going. in a way i dont want him to hide things from me, but i know that he knows that it hurts me to hear about them doing anything together.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Just wanted to interject, when mine uses "we" he means me and him, not him and anyone else...You should take note of that... Also, sadly enough, everything in your original post is like every generalization about affairs period...makes one wonder...
woe_is_me Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 just wanted to say my MM never says we. he talks about things he and his boys are going to do, but i have to ask specifically if his W is also going. in a way i dont want him to hide things from me, but i know that he knows that it hurts me to hear about them doing anything together. hi again sad..i never cared about him talking about his boys ..they were a part of him .. it was the eldest stepdaughter and wife that used to make me feel strange..like..who was this man kidding..how many people did he want to take on in his life?? (just me in secret, preferably, i guess) im still at a loss, original poster, to understand why he called me 4 months ago after 4 years of no contact. i don't understand why i'm here..being a pain in the azz in these forums NOW when i wasn't during our A .. or after it ended. I'm still trying to work out why it was sooooooooooo bad that i called his house if it was okay for him to call me five days prior to that... i'm also trying to work out why im so stunned that he could or would treat me this way...i can't believe he's like 98% of the typical MM spoken of here.. Without sounding like somebody thats bitter ..you're better off not going there ..i can't belive somebody like myself has gone through something like this.. for so f*n long..
frannie Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Most roommates don't use the word "we." Couples don't even use the word "we" unless they're committed to each other. I think that completely depends! I had a boyfriend once, he was completely against the use of the term 'we' even when we were together... he was a complete ass. If I'm talking about something I did with someone else, roomate or not, I'll use 'we'. Because that's what happened... 'we' did something. My MM never ever uses 'we' to refer to himself and his wife (I just wrote that in the dublicate thread!), but I'm not sure it's better that he does or doesn't... I feel that it might be better if he did... more of a reality thing, you know..? But he doesn't. He says it's because they don't feel like a 'we'. So... I guess some people are more or less sensitive to 'we'... I don't think it necessarily means anything to anyone. You have to look beyond the words and see what's really going on.
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