mystic_pizza Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Hi all, I am new here and have a question. I have recently gotten involved with a MM (first time for both of us) and not quite sure I should continue the relationship. He is a bit older than me and has said that his marriage is dead as far as sex and friendship goes. He said they sleep in separate bedrooms and haven't had sex in 10 years (or so he has told me). Their kids are grown and living their own lives. I am single with grown children. We have been involved for about six months and my feelings for him are getting more intense. He professes his love to me and says that he wants me to be his future wife. This is where the problem comes in. When the weekend comes, he tells me of his plans with his wife and refers to them as "we" when doing so. Here is my question. I know they are a "we", but do I really need to hear about it as "we"? I would really rather not hear about his plans with his wife, it is none of my business. It hurts and makes me question whether or not he really means what he says when it comes to us. I didn't want to get involved with him in the first place because he was married, yet he persued me aggressively telling me his marriage was dead. He said calling it cohabitation was a big stretch. So I gave in because I really liked him and now it is getting really hard. Does this make any sense? I am thinking of ending the relationship. I am not really sure he means what he says. It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. I really love him and want to believe him, but the doubts are getting stronger and stronger. Not sure what to do. Should I stay and see what happens? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Touche Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Let me get this straight. He says he hasn't had sex with his wife for TEN years and you're his FIRST affair? Hmm Mmm...RIGHT! And you believe him? I have a funny little feeling that he's going to be a "we" with his wife for the rest of his days. You should have listened to your first insincts and not gotten involved.
Author mystic_pizza Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Sorry, but the thread I started posted twice for some reason. Hi touche, thank you for your reply. You are probably right and I am really kicking myself for not listening to myself in the first place. Now I am left holding all of these feelings that I am going to have to deal with. I have never been in this situation before and didn't really know what to expect. I do now and it is really going to be hard getting over all of this.
Touche Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Sorry, but the thread I started posted twice for some reason. Hi touche, thank you for your reply. You are probably right and I am really kicking myself for not listening to myself in the first place. Now I am left holding all of these feelings that I am going to have to deal with. I have never been in this situation before and didn't really know what to expect. I do now and it is really going to be hard getting over all of this. I know it will be hard and I feel badly for you. I'm sure you can get a lot of support here from other OW's. I myself have never been one but I do know what it feels like to lose someone you love. It's not easy. But we all get through it. You'll be ok. I admire your strength in wanting to end this "go nowhere" relationship. Good luck and be strong!
norajane Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Sorry, but the thread I started posted twice for some reason. Hi touche, thank you for your reply. You are probably right and I am really kicking myself for not listening to myself in the first place. Now I am left holding all of these feelings that I am going to have to deal with. I have never been in this situation before and didn't really know what to expect. I do now and it is really going to be hard getting over all of this. It will be hard, but it's not much different from getting over the end of any other kind of relationship where you find out the person isn't being honest with you, or you're not right for each other for whatever reason. Cutting off contact speeds the healing process. Remind yourself that you love yourself much more than him when you get weak and want to reach out to him. And be grateful that you've extricated yourself sooner rather than wasting even more of your precious time and emotions on someone who isn't and won't ever be yours. Good luck to you.
Topper Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 Let me get this straight. He says he hasn't had sex with his wife for TEN years and you're his FIRST affair? Hmm Mmm...RIGHT! And you believe him? I have a funny little feeling that he's going to be a "we" with his wife for the rest of his days. You should have listened to your first instincts and not gotten involved. Whats so hard to believe about being in a near sexless or sexless marriage for 10 years? I was in one for about 5 years. the 18 months were totally sexless. Now this guy could be lying or maybe he isn't . But if he is that unhappy and has found someone. he should be making his plans to get out now. If he really wants more then just an affair he would be getting his ducks in a row and be telling you of his plans.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. That's because you are, and he does this to you because he can. He keeps you on the hook with talk of divorce and a future, while doing absolutely nothing that even hints he is actually taking it in that direction. Not happy being OW? Then stop being one. Want him to make a real choice? Then give him a choice to make. Slap that cake out of his hands and force him to man up and make a real choice. Let him know that you love him, and that you want a future with him, but that you will not allow him into your life anymore in any way, shape or form until he shows up on your doorstep with signed and notarized divorce papers in his hand, and lease to his new place. If he even so much as tries to text message you, remind him of your terms and cut him off again. Do not contact him, and do not allow him to contact you. Until he shows you divorce papers, he is not allowed access to you AT ALL. If he loves you and really wants to be with you, and start a future with you - guess what? Nothing will stop him from making that happen. If you were just a bandaid for the marriage, in the form of a discreet and disposable side item, then he will let you walk away and you won't hear from him again. Either way, you move on. You can't start a new relationship on the back of an affair. You have to clear your head and heart in preparation for what is to come. Walk away. He will either fight to have you in his life in a real and meaningful sense, or he won't. If he divorces and comes for you, great. Arrange for counseling for the both of you to find out what it is that drives him to cheat, and work on that for a while so that you don't find yourself in the same place as his wife. If he does not divorce and come for you, then consider yourself lucky: as you would have ridded your life of a man who is nothing but a garden variety cheat and liar who saw you as nothing more than a discreet and disposable side item.
frannie Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Here is my question. I know they are a "we", but do I really need to hear about it as "we"? I would really rather not hear about his plans with his wife, it is none of my business. It hurts and makes me question whether or not he really means what he says when it comes to us. I didn't want to get involved with him in the first place because he was married, yet he persued me aggressively telling me his marriage was dead. He said calling it cohabitation was a big stretch. So I gave in because I really liked him and now it is getting really hard. Does this make any sense? I am thinking of ending the relationship. I am not really sure he means what he says. It is starting to feel like I am only around to fill in the gaps of what he is not getting at home. I really love him and want to believe him, but the doubts are getting stronger and stronger. Not sure what to do. Should I stay and see what happens? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Well, I don't see an awful lot wrong in saying 'we' when it's grammatically correct... if it was he and a work friend it would still be 'we', you know..? No big deal. Although my MM does tend not to use the 'we' word about he and his wife, just because of the thing you said... makes it sound like they're a couple in more ways than a couple of parents and he prefers to edit it out so it doesn't hurt me (not that I've ever complained, but actually if he did say it it might make me feel differently... ). So I get where you're coming from. As for the rest of it..? His marriage is 'over'..? His kids are grown..? What is he waiting for..? If I were you I'd be wanting more than him changing the way he talks... more like making some actual moves to divorce...
Author mystic_pizza Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Thanks topper, he has been getting his ducks in a row and telling me of his plans. Thank you for the insight. Thank you frannie for your reply. It sounds like your MM is very considerate of your feelings, that is important, especially in the type of relationships we are currently involved in. I have always considered "we" as a signal from the guy that he is committed to the relationship. I was involved in a long term relationship (a SG not a MM) and when it started to get really serious, he made it a point to use "we" when referring to us. When the relationship started to go down hill we both stopped using the "we" when referring to us. With my MM, maybe it is just habit because they have been married for so long? He has been getting his ducks in a row though and has kept me updated on his plans, so it is hard not to believe what he says. Another poster mentioned that if he was serious he would be doing this and he has and still is. Since I posted this thread, he has assured me that there is absolutely no need to question our relationship. We do have open communication, whenever either of us has an issue or question we discuss it. I feel quilty now for doubting him. I guess, as the relationship gets deeper, my emotional reactions are becoming a little stronger because my heart is officially involved. Thanks again and I will keep everyone posted on how things turn out.
Recommended Posts