Stick a Fork in Me

[Cliche]

I'm done. I'm pretty sure I am anyway.

 

So, mm and I had a "situation" the other day. Just another one of many. I'm hurt at something he did or didn't do. I freak out in a big way. He gets hurt. We accuse each other of stuff. Yadda yadda.

 

I called him yesterday morning and he sounded so miserable and I sounded and felt so miserable. And after I hung up, I crawled into bed, didn't go to work, tried to sleep and, at one point, had this very brief thought of "omg, this pain is so bad, I want to die." BAM! I literally bolted upright in bed and thought what the f%&* am I doing?

 

I am holding on so tightly to this relationship because I think it is special, right? We have such a connection, and he loves me unconditionally, and the sex is great, and the friendship is great. And we could be the romance of the century. And my experiences with men sucked. I was raped, sexually harrassed, physically and emotionally abused, had a gross old man masturbate in front of me when I was 11, been used and walked on and disgarded. And I'm holding onto this relationship because I think it is so much better than all that **** that I've had throughout my lifetime. Until I realize it is not. The pain is so bad, I let a thought, no matter how fleeting, of death into my head. This is not the romance of the century. This is just more of the same bull****.

 

That doesn't mean I blame everythign on mm. I don't. I think he is damaged, not cruel like some of the men in my life. But I cannot do this. I cannot be attached to an illusion when the reality is so unbelievably different and HARMFUL to me, my children, my future and, frankly, to him as well. If he wants a romance of the century, then he fixes his life. And if he can't, I think I'm ready to either have the romance of a lifetime with myself or open myself up to others.

 

So, that is where I am. This is the first time in 7 months I think I've thought this clearly. This is the first time in 7 months I've gone a full 24 hours without crying. This is the first time in 7 months that I've been able to just breath and have some peace reading, watching tv, playing with the kids without thoughts of him constantly creeping in.

 

I've had a preliminary discussion with him about this. But I need a few days to decide on my boundaries. I think I mentioned that our lives are intwined in many ways, so complete NC is not really an option. Honestly, I feel so sure about this that I'm not sure I need it. I believe that if I can decide our parameters, I can go through with this and be happy again. It has been all too long since I've been really happy.

 

I'll tell you what else I realized, too. See, this site is really, really wonderful. But one of the things about it is that so many people are too quick to go black and white (oh the guy is a jerk and you're so stupid). Anyone who is in ANY relationship knows that rarely are things so black or white. MM is not a jerk. I know that. And I think for too long I was thinking that since he wasn't a jerk, I wasn't doing something "right." I don't think I outwardly thought it, but it was there. It was there when I was trying to please him and prod him and beg him. But yesterday I realized this isn't about me at all. It is about him. He is broken. I am sure his marriage really does suck. SO many people have verified it, and considering he spent 99% of his time either with me, at work, with family or sleeping, there is no way they have any type of relationship worth keeping. Yet he can't get off his ass and move on to try to find a healthy relationship with a true partner. This is not my issue. And I'm no longer going to make it mine.

 

So, good thoughts are appreciate. I think some of you REALLY helped me move forward in some ways. WWIU, je ne regrette, and Scott W, your post the other day had me thinking for hours.

 

I have no idea what my future will look like. I think I'm finally okay with that.

[whichwayisup]

Hey! You had your ENOUGH moment! Congrats on that!

 

Keep going with those train of thoughts...You're on the right path now...For YOU!

[Onelife]

((((((((((cliche)))))))))) cyber hug to you!

I am sorry to hear about your situation and your past. My heart goes out to you. However it sounds like you are having a good attitude towards this situation though. Everything starts with the first time, right? I am glad you've had these first times in the last 7 months of no crying within 24 hours and thinking clearly. Seeing things clearer is a good step to figure the way out for this complicated R. The way that is good and healthy for you.

 

Hang in there....

[Geishawhelk]

Excuse me butting my buddhist comment in here, but it sounds to me like you just had what is commonly known as 'that lightbulb moment'.

 

Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other.

Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you in the past.

(I know you haven't even hinted this, but I'm just speaking from experience here....)

Your happiness is not dependent on life being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it ever rarely is.

Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will.

Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself.

Anything.

 

The only way you can gain true happiness, serenity and lasting Joy is by accepting that you are absolutely, wonderfully, blissfully perfect just as you are right now.

 

The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You.

And get this:

You always will be.

because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to love anyone else - you can never love anyone else that way.

You will always have an agenda - and so will they.

 

so let it all drop, leave the baggage on the floor, and feel lighter still.

 

Good luck, and keep winning.

You deserve it.

[Cliche]

WWIU, you have been so unbelievably helpful. I just want you to know that. And I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your exH did not deserve you. You're a great woman.

 

But geez, talk about an "A-ha" moment. When I realized that I was mourning a relationship I never had with this guy, and the one I do have kinda sucks so why I am holding onto that one so tight..hanging onto something that was NEVER THERE. Geesh. Oh well, I think I'll be proud of the fact that it only took me less than 7 months from the time I discovered he lived with his wife to now to get here. With my marriage, the "A-ha" moment was a lot longer coming. I guess I'm getting wiser with age.

 

I just need a few days to figure out my boundaries. But I'm trying to be careful not to think about them too much...give myself some time, because I don't want to slip back into obssession land.

[Onelife]

Excuse me butting my buddhist comment in here, but it sounds to me like you just had what is commonly known as 'that lightbulb moment'.

 

Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other.

Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you in the past.

(I know you haven't even hinted this, but I'm just speaking from experience here....)

Your happiness is not dependent on life being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it ever rarely is.

Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will.

Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself.

Anything.

 

The only way you can gain true happiness, serenity and lasting Joy is by accepting that you are absolutely, wonderfully, blissfully perfect just as you are right now.

 

The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You.

And get this:

You always will be.

because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to love anyone else - you can never love anyone else that way.

You will always have an agenda - and so will they.

 

so let it all drop, leave the baggage on the floor, and feel lighter still.

 

Good luck, and keep winning.

You deserve it.

 

Wow!!!! I need to save this post to read it over and over again myself. Thank you for sharing your insight. You have enlightened me!

[Cliche]

Geishawhelk,

Thank you. That is beautiful and so true. I've read a lot of Eastern religion and philosophy since I divorced several years ago. Some days I'm better at internalizing it than others.

 

What I really like about that approach is it makes me responsible for everything...my happiness, my health, my well-being, my choices. I have to say, part of what, I think, has been making this ride so difficult for me was my anger. I was thinking in order to try to extricate myself from mm, I'd have to let my anger take over. But you know what, I don't want to be angry at mm. I love him. Like I said, I really do think he is a great individual, but he is damaged and I CANNOT FIX HIM. I have to say that to myself about 10 ten times in a row...I cannot fix him, I cannot do it. Maybe someday, maybe we'll find out we were meant to be. But I'm not going to count on it. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him, and I suspect he is the type of individual who would rather live so-so without having to do the heavy lifting than to live brilliantly but struggle for a little first.

 

I don't want to be angry with anyone, not him and not me. I don't want to be in pain. So I will simply detach from a fantasy and detach from attachment and try to love myself as much as I tried to love him and try to soothe myself as much as I tried to soothe him and try to help myself as much as I tried to help him. It's better than way.