Author silent_cadence Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 It took courage to confess, silent-cadence. I believe you did the right thing, despite that your confession hurt your innocent husband terribly. I hope he is able to appreciate that courage. You may want to read the thread by IfWishesWereHorses called "The Road to Recovering Trust", as well as many of the other threads on the Infidelity Forum. This may help you understand what your husband will need from you in order to work through his feelings of sorrow and betrayal. Good luck. Thanks for being here and for listening and for all of your advice.
torranceshipman Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 HeySilent Cadence, I've got a lot of respect for you for doing this...well done...no matter what your H decides to make of all this, I am sure he will respect you for telling the truth and facing the consequences...very best of luck. At the end of the day, we all make stupid mistakes, and whilst the A should NEVER have happened, it takes a lot of backbone to take responsibility for that mistake...95% of MM/MWs on this forum certainly never seem to manage to face up to things like you've just done...most people seem to keep it a secret or carry on sneaking around/blaming others/making excuses/thinking they're entitled because 'it just happened', etc... Good on you...
Author silent_cadence Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 HeySilent Cadence, I've got a lot of respect for you for doing this...well done...no matter what your H decides to make of all this, I am sure he will respect you for telling the truth and facing the consequences...very best of luck. At the end of the day, we all make stupid mistakes, and whilst the A should NEVER have happened, it takes a lot of backbone to take responsibility for that mistake...95% of MM/MWs on this forum certainly never seem to manage to face up to things like you've just done...most people seem to keep it a secret or carry on sneaking around/blaming others/making excuses/thinking they're entitled because 'it just happened', etc... Good on you... I just don't see sitting around and not accepting the responsibility for something that I've done wrong. You can't save or work on a marriage truthfully until you own up to the thing you've done. What's the use in lying and continuing that lie? It doesn't accomplish anything at all and usually escalates into more lies that you get caught in causing more trouble and pain. No, it's best to own up. Thanks.
Curmudgeon Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I just don't see sitting around and not accepting the responsibility for something that I've done wrong. You can't save or work on a marriage truthfully until you own up to the thing you've done. It took a lot of character and integrity to 'fess-up and I have to admire that. As for your husband's ultimate decision, you know him better than anyone here. Which ever way it goes you've obviously learned a valuable lesson from all this. That will stand you in good stead in this marriage, if it continues, or in some future relationship if it doesn't.
Scott_W Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 SC I admire you for confessing. And I completely understand why you did. Cheating is never right. But the pain and suffering you felt while being neglected was real and many many people cave, as you did, and do something so completely out of charactor, like cheating. It happens more than you probably know. It's common to hear that a hardworking husband who is neglecting his wife romantically, will view her efforts to communicate as nagging. Which leaves her in a hopless situation. It's vital that a husband take care of his wife, romantically and sexually, making her feel loved and beautiful. He'll feel more manly himself if he does it, when he sees what more it brings out of is wife. It's vital to a healthy marriage and very damaging when it's missing. The damage is under estimated in my opinion. The importance is under stated, around the world. When one is being neglected that way, and can't get the mate to come around, it's easy to say that you should have left him rather than cheat. But that's easy to say and a huge thing to really do. Then the opportinity arises, the other man provides what's missing, and you find yourself doing the unthinkable. I believe that what you did, was wrong, but understandable. You're being brave in correcting it. I know also, that if you try to hint that he was neglecting you he might see that as laying the blame at his feet. But it's true SC, he did neglect you. I hope he realizes that. If not now, then later. If not for you, then for his future. It looks to me like you're determined to grow and do the right thing. I just hope he can grow and do the right thing too. It hurts so much to read your story. I hope he'll take you on a long walk, sit down somewhere quiet, give you a chance to tell him again what things you need to say. Then tell you many things too, including that, yes it does hurt, and the images of you with another man makes him sick inside ... but he doesn't want to lose you and that he'll never leave that void in your marriage again. But sadly, some men don't really understand that huge need for the wife to feel cherished, sexy and loved. Instead they only blame her for the final act of cheating. My grandfather taught these things to me, and I taught my sons and my sons will probably teach my grandsons too, as they get a little older ... I'll make sure. I wish the very best for you. You sound like an amazing woman.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I just don't see sitting around and not accepting the responsibility for something that I've done wrong. You can't save or work on a marriage truthfully until you own up to the thing you've done. What's the use in lying and continuing that lie? It doesn't accomplish anything at all and usually escalates into more lies that you get caught in causing more trouble and pain. No, it's best to own up. Thanks. I'm going to give what will likely be an unpopular opinion and that is that since this is the case, then in retrospect, in many ways, you are a braver person then he, because let's not forget at the start of all of this, he refused to be brave enough to admit that he was neglecting his wife and take ownership of that. For those that would flame, I don't think I've ever, even as I think on my own words and how being neglected felt, have ever seen it so well explained as how Scott W worded it. If men(and women) both had that kind of insight, I can only imagine relationships would be much healthier. It is a damnshame that it takes an A sometimes to shake someone up enough to realize the pitiful shape their marriage is in and either work on it or leave. As for those who talk of slinking around...when you have a spouse who even before you had an A would not take any of your concerns and efforts to improve the marriage seriously, what makes you think that telling them about an A will make them improve that? No, in some cases, and I think you have to make the call by the individual spouse, it is better to not report the mistake and either realize you have done something out of character because this relationship is not meeting your needs and get out or give it one more try to make things work. As an aside, what I have decided on...My OM and also a MM and I have really only recently come into a non flirtatious and solid friendship. We are encouraging each other in healthy decisions and not being co conspirators in an A. His decision has been to stay, no matter what, and no matter what his W does emotionally to him. His values have pressed on him that he is to sacrifice for his children...he and his W both, so he is resolved to live his days out in that marriage, good or bad. That is fine and I'm happy for him and I hope at some point it gets better then tolerable and they fall deeply in love again--I pray for them everyday for that ending. For me, I am trying again too and things are improving just a little bit, but instead of ever having another A, I have given myself a firm time frame for how long the efforts will continue. My only advice to anyone who is truly in the state of neglect like Scott mentioned is to set a time frame for yourself so you have hope...that sometimes is what you need. Like Scott said though, what makes it so difficult to leave is that often times you adore your spouse, you care about them so much, and you truly don't want to leave, but you come to the sad conclusion that you can't make anyone do anything and that means you may live unhappy as far as intimacy forever--that is a tough thing to swallow--and I think a lot of women in particular don't get it because they normally are beating their husband's off with sticks to leave them alone. If anyone ever gets the chance so they can understand, google husband never wants to have sex and other variations and you will see how much torment and pain that neglect causes. This probably should be in the motivation thread, but still, there were things here that it seemed pertinent too. Again, well said post Scott...that is absolutely how it is for a neglected W. I'm going to print that up for my H to read so he has even more insight into how that feels because he does have a hard time relating like you said. As for cadence, no matter what happens, this is for the best sweetie. If he leaves, then you can move on and look very carefully this time for someone who truly 'fits' with you and if he doesn't, you have a second chance and make the best of it, but don't ever be a lifelong sin eater now because you made this mistake. Forgiveness is just that. True forgiveness will move past this and move on. Take care that you don't end up paying for this sin forever. That is not his place to punish you for a lifetime over this. You made a mistake. Try to remember, pride, lying, and even dishonoring our parents are sins too--we understand the concept of forgiveness there, and it is no different for this either. Forgive yourself so you can adequately judge this as time moves forward. Best of luck to you.
Author silent_cadence Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 So what happend? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122865/ Not really enough time to tell, but I did post it in the above link, we are getting ready to go out to eat. Will post more as time allows.
Darth Vader Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 I was sort of torn too, but I just could not go on with the charade. It was lies that got me into all of this awful mess and now it's the truth that needs to be told in order to put things to right. Circumstances involved, the mm's wife was threatening to tell my H anyway, but that is not my main consideration for telling my H the truth, my heart and my soul just could not rest easy until the truth was out in the open. You can't rebuild or build a relationship on top of lies, because eventually they will come back and hurt you in the long run, I wanted to get the hurt and the lies out from the beginning and then and only then could I start to rebuild what I tore down. Thanks for your comment. Did you tell your husband that the OM's wife was threatening to tell your husband? Even if your husband does take you back, it's gonna be a nightmare for you, just to cue you in, alot of distrust, jealacy, and anger, OHH, he hasn't even hit that anger stage yet I'm afraid, when he does, it will be Hell! Trust me on the anger thing, it's coming.......... Then you may want to divorce him, please be advised.
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