I Confessed

[silent_cadence]

I asked my husband if we could talk and I told him I had something that I wasn't proud of to tell him and that I hoped he would be understanding. Not only did I tell him everything that happened in between mm and I but I told him of my feelings toward mm and my feelings toward him, at that time and now. I told him how the a started and about how badly I was feeling during that time frame because I felt as if he (H) had abandoned me and didn't care about how I was feeling. At that time, I felt lost, alone, empty, not attractive and not desirable as a woman.

 

I didn't blame everything on the mm. It was a two way street, I told him.

He was quiet for quite awhile, his face was emotionless, no expression at all and I was very scared of what he was going to do. I begged for his forgiveness and I told him I wanted to tell him because I didn't want there to be any lies between us that I just wanted to get it over with so we could either build our lives together and try to save our marriage or to get it over with so we both could move on.

 

He asked if it was the only a I'd ever had and I told him yes.

He told me that he had figured something was going on but couldn't prove it, and that he had hoped that it wasn't true. I felt so much shame.

He wanted to know if it was over, and I told him yes.

He asked if I had loved the mm and I told him that I thought I did at the time but that now I believed that it had been an infatuation because it hadn't felt like real love even at the time when the A had been going on, I told him that I made a huge mistake and I asked him for his forgiveness and his understanding too.

 

He wanted to know if I wanted a divorce, I told him that no, I wanted to try and save our marriage, but it all depended on him and if he could ever forgive me or not, and if he could learn to trust me again after I'd betrayed him so badly. And I promised, if he wanted to work on us that I would never cheat again. I left it up to him.

 

He said he needed time to think and packed a duffle bag and I started crying, but I knew I had no right to try to stop him and I told him so.

At the door, as he was leaving, he said he needed time to think about all of it and what it meant, why it happened and what he wanted to do about our marriage. He said that he couldn't even bear to look at me at this point, let alone make a decision. But, he also said that I had done the right thing in telling him the truth, especially since he had already suspected something was going on. And that he knew that me telling him was the best thing I could have done. He left. The sound of that door closing was the most final thing I've ever heard in my life, I pray I never hear it so clearly again ever.

 

All that night, I sat on the sofa, crying and praying with all my heart that he would forgive me and call, I couldn't sleep in our bed, even if I could have slept, it just hurt too much knowing he was not there with me and might never be again. I can tell you this, I've never felt that alone before, not even when he was so into his business and ignoring me and my needs, and at that time, I felt that I was alone, but it sure wasn't like this.

Maybe back then, if I would have expressed better how I was feeling instead of falling for an mm's pretty words, I would be in this situation now, I did an awful lot of thinking that night that he wasn't home and alot of looking in my own mirror and thinking about what I could have done instead of having an affair.

 

The one thing thing that I thought about the most was the way his face had looked and the pain in his eyes as he was leaving. I wanted to crawl away somewhere in a dark hole and just die. Never, in a million years did I ever want to hurt him in this way. I should have thought about that when I started letting MM and his pretty lies get to me. I was so selfish in having the affair, it's true it was all about me and what I wasn't getting at home. It wasn't about my H or what he should have been doing. How could I have just taken the sacrament of our marraige and thrown it to the side like that? I have been beating myself up over that.

 

He did call me early this morning. I was so nervous that my stomach was upset and my hands were shaking when I saw his name and number on the caller id. He was getting ready to go in to work but wanted to let me know that we need to talk and that he believes he has come to a decision, I asked him what that decision is but he wouldn't discuss it on the phone, he wanted to do it in person. He didn't say I love you back when I told him so I think he maybe going to ask for a divorce, I don't know. If he does then this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, knowing I was the one who caused this whole thing. But, at least I won't have to worry that he will find out anymore, everything is out in the open now, and I do feel better for finally coming clean and telling him the truth.

 

He gets off today at noon. I'm pretty scared because I'm sure he's not going to want to work things out now that he knows. It's all my fault and I feel terrible, but I don't feel terrible about telling the truth. I owed it to him to be honest, for the first time since this whole thing began, I do feel a little better about at least one thing. As for my future? I don't know.

[Shades of Grey]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situtation SC.

 

You did what you needed to do based on your own feelings which only you can ever know or understand. Which means that no matter what happens it was the right thing for you.

 

I sincerely hope that you can work things out.

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

As hard as that was for you to do, come clean, be proud of yourself. It takes courage to open up and tell the truth....

 

All you can do is let him have his space, and right now maybe consider finding a therapist for yourself to talk to. Your H NEEDS to see, not only hear, how sorry you are, and finding someone professional to talk to is a good start. You need to fix yourself, completely let go, get over and forget about MM before you can turn to your husband...His whole world has been shattered and turned upside down, so you're gonna have to be the one to pick up the pieces, atleast until HE is ready to open up his heart abit and learn to trust you again.

 

Keep being honest, don't blame your H for cheating, whatever you do...That was your choice to let yourself fall for another man...BUT, the problems IN the marriage need to be talked about and fixed, so hopefully soon when he's ready, you two will go to marriage counselling.

[silent_cadence]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situtation SC.

 

You did what you needed to do based on your own feelings which only you can ever know or understand. Which means that no matter what happens it was the right thing for you.

 

I sincerely hope that you can work things out.

 

Take care.

Thank you. Many have said that I shouldn't have come clean, but I know in my heart, it was the only way for me to go, now I need to accept whatever happens because of what I did.

[silent_cadence]

As hard as that was for you to do, come clean, be proud of yourself. It takes courage to open up and tell the truth....

 

All you can do is let him have his space, and right now maybe consider finding a therapist for yourself to talk to. Your H NEEDS to see, not only hear, how sorry you are, and finding someone professional to talk to is a good start. You need to fix yourself, completely let go, get over and forget about MM before you can turn to your husband...His whole world has been shattered and turned upside down, so you're gonna have to be the one to pick up the pieces, atleast until HE is ready to open up his heart abit and learn to trust you again.

 

Keep being honest, don't blame your H for cheating, whatever you do...That was your choice to let yourself fall for another man...BUT, the problems IN the marriage need to be talked about and fixed, so hopefully soon when he's ready, you two will go to marriage counselling.

 

That's what I'm hoping to do, what I felt for the MM wasn't real. It was something that happened because of the way I felt at that time. I agree with you. Keep being honest. Yes. Definately. I do feel so much better for having told the truth. I know I'm going to have to earn that trust back again, if I have the chance that is. I don't blame the H for the affair, I blame me. I was so stupid for being so blind as to what he was trying to build in business for not only him but for us. I was being selfish. Hopefully, I will be wrong again in thinking that he is going to want a divorce, I want to work this out. I've hurt him gravely, but I do want to try and take that hurt away and turn it into something positive and work on us. Thanks...

[curiousnycgirl]

My heart goes out to you and I will be on pins and needles for you at noon. Good luck with it, no matter which way it goes, you've got a rough road ahead of you.

[Incognitox]

Wow, girl, you have some guts doing that. Whatever the outcome of this, you'll always know you did a courageous thing and you can hold your head up about it.

 

I've thought long and hard about whether a cheat should tell their wife or husband and I've been in two minds about it. On the one hand I've felt it's right for the cheat to keep quiet, not inflict any pain on the person they love and live with the guilt, but on the other how fair is it to not give the person they love the full picture and the choice to move on or not?

 

I'm thinking that it all depends on the circumstances and the people involved. Your husband is saying that coming clean was right and therefore, it was the right thing to do. I would think it will make your hubby see you do have integrity, also. That's gotta be a good thing.

[Latingirl31]

Yeah, you are pretty brave for coming out with the truth knowing that you have a 50/50 chance of it going either way. I personally would not have done it but to to each their own. I really do hope that he will come back home and learn to forgive you. It will be a long hard road for you because you will have to deal with months of trying to gain back his trust of he decides to. If you really love your husband like you say you do then it should be worth the fight. Good Luck to you and hope everything works out for the both of you.

[whichwayisup]

Put inapanic in a search field and read her threads about confessing her affair to her husband. It could help you....

[silent_cadence]

My heart goes out to you and I will be on pins and needles for you at noon. Good luck with it, no matter which way it goes, you've got a rough road ahead of you.

 

Thanks for your well wishes. I know it's going to be rough, but I am willing to work on it with everything I am and everything I can be.

[silent_cadence]

Wow, girl, you have some guts doing that. Whatever the outcome of this, you'll always know you did a courageous thing and you can hold your head up about it.

 

I've thought long and hard about whether a cheat should tell their wife or husband and I've been in two minds about it. On the one hand I've felt it's right for the cheat to keep quiet, not inflict any pain on the person they love and live with the guilt, but on the other how fair is it to not give the person they love the full picture and the choice to move on or not?

 

I'm thinking that it all depends on the circumstances and the people involved. Your husband is saying that coming clean was right and therefore, it was the right thing to do. I would think it will make your hubby see you do have integrity, also. That's gotta be a good thing.

 

I was sort of torn too, but I just could not go on with the charade. It was lies that got me into all of this awful mess and now it's the truth that needs to be told in order to put things to right. Circumstances involved, the mm's wife was threatening to tell my H anyway, but that is not my main consideration for telling my H the truth, my heart and my soul just could not rest easy until the truth was out in the open. You can't rebuild or build a relationship on top of lies, because eventually they will come back and hurt you in the long run, I wanted to get the hurt and the lies out from the beginning and then and only then could I start to rebuild what I tore down. Thanks for your comment.

[silent_cadence]

Yeah, you are pretty brave for coming out with the truth knowing that you have a 50/50 chance of it going either way. I personally would not have done it but to to each their own. I really do hope that he will come back home and learn to forgive you. It will be a long hard road for you because you will have to deal with months of trying to gain back his trust of he decides to. If you really love your husband like you say you do then it should be worth the fight. Good Luck to you and hope everything works out for the both of you.

 

It is worth the fight to me. Thanks.

[silent_cadence]

Put inapanic in a search field and read her threads about confessing her affair to her husband. It could help you....

 

I'll look when I can. Thanks for the support.

[dbtmarley]

I just wanted to tell you good luck. I admire the courage and honesty you have shown by coming clean. I know it must have been difficult for you.

 

Please do not beat yourself up. You made a mistake and you owned up to it. I know it is hard to see and feel, but this experience will make you grow as an individual and I trust it will never be a mistake you make again.

 

Keep your chin up!

 

Thomas

[IpAncA]

Glad you decided to tell him and take responsibility. He has every right to know what's going on in the marriage.

 

Hopefully you'll both decide to work on the marriage and seek MC.

 

Good Luck! .

[Topper]

Silent Cadance, I hope you don't take what I am about to say the wrong way. in fact i do see you in a sympathetic light. you seem to understand that you are the only one to blame in this. Yes your husband and the other man are contributing factors in all this mess. Yet you always had the choice to take different paths.

I find it so revealing that on one hand you get some mild criticisms and in another thread a guy confesses his sins, in about one out of three post he is lambasted.

[Sheba]

It took courage to confess, silent-cadence. I believe you did the right thing, despite that your confession hurt your innocent husband terribly. I hope he is able to appreciate that courage.

 

You may want to read the thread by IfWishesWereHorses called "The Road to Recovering Trust", as well as many of the other threads on the Infidelity Forum. This may help you understand what your husband will need from you in order to work through his feelings of sorrow and betrayal.

 

Good luck.

[Cliche]

Forgive yourself. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. You should be proud of yourself. Even if it turns out that your husband can't forgive you, forgive yourself.

 

Good luck. I truly wish you well.

[Cobra_X30]

Silent,

 

You are one of the very few worth a 2nd chance! Even if your H cant give you that chance, he is still going to have mountains of respect inside for your sincerity and truth.

 

Best Wishes!

[quankanne]

being honest about something like that is an incredible brave thing to do, and I hope that the two of you can work things out, and move away from the pain of what's happened.

 

if he is willing, look into a Retrouvaille weekend, which is a church-sponsored retreat for couples in hurting marriages ... it could be the tool you need to bring the sacramentality back to your relationship.

 

hugs,

[serial muse]

Silent Cadance, I hope you don't take what I am about to say the wrong way. in fact i do see you in a sympathetic light. you seem to understand that you are the only one to blame in this. Yes your husband and the other man are contributing factors in all this mess. Yet you always had the choice to take different paths.

I find it so revealing that on one hand you get some mild criticisms and in another thread a guy confesses his sins, in about one out of three post he is lambasted.

 

That has everything to do with who is willing to take responsibility and work and focus on their marriage, and who isn't. Simple as that.

 

SC, I think you did a very brave thing. As a former BS, I can say that that kind of honesty and openness and taking of responsibility is the bottom line for a BS to consider sticking around and working through the affair. You're doing what you can to make it right, and that is worth a lot. I hope things do work out for you.

[silent_cadence]

Silent,

 

You are one of the very few worth a 2nd chance! Even if your H cant give you that chance, he is still going to have mountains of respect inside for your sincerity and truth.

 

Best Wishes!

Thanks, I do appreciate everything.

[silent_cadence]

being honest about something like that is an incredible brave thing to do, and I hope that the two of you can work things out, and move away from the pain of what's happened.

 

if he is willing, look into a Retrouvaille weekend, which is a church-sponsored retreat for couples in hurting marriages ... it could be the tool you need to bring the sacramentality back to your relationship.

 

hugs,

 

Thank you for the info..

[silent_cadence]

That has everything to do with who is willing to take responsibility and work and focus on their marriage, and who isn't. Simple as that.

 

SC, I think you did a very brave thing. As a former BS, I can say that that kind of honesty and openness and taking of responsibility is the bottom line for a BS to consider sticking around and working through the affair. You're doing what you can to make it right, and that is worth a lot. I hope things do work out for you.

 

Thank you Serial Muse.

[silent_cadence]

Forgive yourself. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. You should be proud of yourself. Even if it turns out that your husband can't forgive you, forgive yourself.

 

Good luck. I truly wish you well.

 

Thank you so much for the advice and the friendly ears.