Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Hey all, I'm here to do some boasting as I really can't tell anyone I know. I guess I want some back slapping. Here's my low down: I got involved with a MM about 2 years ago. The usual story - he wasn't getting sex from his wife, no emotional or intellectual connection with her, only staying for the children/financial reasons etc. etc. etc. I believed him. Boy, did I have low self-esteem! I'd just got out of a 5 year relationship with a guy I believed I'd always be with so I guess I was feeling pretty bad about life and all. Anyways, I met this MM through work and we hit it off so good. He didn't wear a ring and any mention of his family was that he was separated, had his own little place etc. And this was way before there was any mention of us being 'together' in any form - he was setting me up in advance! So, after a couple of weeks of emails and phone calls (although he only called me one evening in that time and would never answer his cell - apparently there was no signal coverage at home. ) we met up for drinks. Well, because he'd done me the favor (oh please!) of driving over to mine - about an hour away - we went back to my place for coffee, rather than his. We smooched a little and then I sent him home. This goes on for another couple of weeks and as I'm recently single, I'm relaxed about seeing the guy and thinking this is cool, no pressure from him, he's not hassling to see me all the time etc. etc. Great! Doh! To cut to the chase: after 5 weeks of this, I start thinking - now why can't i have his home number? and why aren't I ever over at his? And he tells me then - "Oh, I AM getting separated, but just not yet" and all the "I love you" crap that goes along with it. I kicked his sorry ass out! But then I let it back in Yeah, yeah, I fell for all the crap about how he was staying for the kids and all that garbage. And I let it stay in for 2 years! 2 years! What am I????? A goddamn fool! Well, I was a fool. But no longer. No siree. 3 days ago I told him he is a loser, a waste of time, space and energy and he needs to get out of my life, tell his wife and get some therapy/counseling. I am over him. I am over our 'relationship' - if you can call it that and I am moving on, on, on. Now the question. I'm feeling better than I've felt forever, it seems. Is that going to last? Do I need to expect a crash and burn? Thanks y'all!
Shades of Grey Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Back slap to you Incognitox. I'm so pleased that you're feeling so positive. I think that everyone reacts differently at the end of an A, there are so many factors to be taken into consideration. The fact that you made such a positive decision yourself and that you feel good about it is brilliant. Whether you will feel differently about it when the dust settles only time will tell but I truely hope that you can continue to look optimistically and positively towards your future. Well done x
Author Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 What a great message! Thank you so much, Shades! I think I'm going through the euphoria of being single again and realizing I no longer have to be his damn cheerleader! The other side is - I feel really bad for his wife. Really bad for being such a 'ho to her - even if she didn't know a thing about it. I sorta want to tell her and not just as revenge for him being such a dickwad, I want her to find a man who will treat her as she and her kids should be treated - know what I mean? Why the hell should she be in a situation that she has no control over because she knows nothing about it? It's like as if Chernobyl was kept quiet and no one informed of the risk. Oh now I'm sounding all self-righteous and you guys don't know that I wasn't all ok with being a married man's mistress and keeping it from his wife before
Shades of Grey Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I completely understand your desire to tell his wife. So many times during my a I thought why the h*ll shouldn't she know the kind of man she is married to? Doesn't she deserve to know that she is living a lie? However in my experience telling his wife will only cause her an immense amount of pain and the likelihood is that eventually she will still choose not to leave the marriage. So in effect that pain will be for nothing. When the need arises MM can be all kinds of convincing about the reality of their affairs and their desire to "change their ways" I would urge you to concentrate on your own recovery and leave it be.
Author Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 That's very wise, Shades. Yep, I can see how she'd not necessarily break from him and why give her pain that will do no good if she chooses to stay. I can so believe how he'd lie his way out of it as well. Gezus! Ok, I need to stop thinking about all this.
Kenzo Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 This need to tell will pass...he is not your "problem" anymore! Let it go, let them work it out. I think most OW go through this phase or wanting to tell for whatever reason. His true colors will come to light whether she finds out about the A or not. Don't concern yourself with it, or him, or them for that matter! Live your life, and stay strong... You are doing something a lot of us are trying to do...It's encouraging to see someone come out of it so optimistically, it's actually very encouraging!!!
Author Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Also a great post! Thank you Kenzo. Ok, I've put the little thought of spilling my guts, outta my head. Not my business. I'm so glad my being so bucked up is encouraging. Are you making plans to move on out?
Cliche Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Incognitox, I think I'm right where you are, except I don't feel negative feelings for him or me. It all just is. I feel okay. Actually, I feel better than I have in months. It is like I have a new pair of eyes. But I, too, am terrified that those awful, anxiety-riddled, near depression feelings, longings, etc. are going to come back. But I have a little bit of hope because the sort of fresh look feel I have now is exactly the same feeling I had the day after I ended my marriage, and all the really bad stuff never did come back (some anger issues, but that was about it). Good luck to you. And to me. Our futures are wide open. And btw, I saw where you said something I said rang a bell in you. I'm really glad to have been able to help someone...anyway. I guess we all meet here for a reason, huh?
Author Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Hey! Yep, you said about that 'aha!' moment and I thought "Goody! It happens to other people too!" You know what, my negative feelings about him are balanced with a kinda wistfulness of 'what could have been'. But I'm thinking that all those things I thought I had with him weren't real they were just what I wanted. Anyway, everything I need, I can give myself. I don't need a man to complete my life and validate my existence. I've got my woman of substance thing goin on! I think we have to forgive ourselves those moments of depression and anxiety if we have them. We know they don't last and they'll become as fleeting as an itch. Now, plan, plan, plan - I'm joining a gym, I'm going to eat more healthily and I'm booking a little vacation by the sea.
Author Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Luv, I really believe that we can only find love, true love once we love ourselves. Until I care for myself, I won't stop putting myself into harmful situations, like hooking up with the wrong people. Well, it starts here and now. Infact, it started 3 days ago. Weird to say, but just the very act of finishing with the MM was a huge boost to my confidence. Its so good to hear your story, Luv and thank you so much for posting it, it's a great feeling that I'm on the right track
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