confused88 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Trying to get some opinions... Married for 18yrs, one 16 yr old D. Military is moving me to CO this summer. W is refusing to go, she loves VA, our house, neighbors, and friends. This is a mandatory move for me, and W says that she understands I have to go, but she will not. She says we can do the LDR and visit each other once every 1-2 months, depending on schedules. (This will be a 1-3 year job - I'll retire as soon as I can to return to VA) On paper it sounds ok, but emotionally it sucks. I feel she is choosing the location over the relationship, and I feel a little abandoned. I told her that and she refuses to go. The good - My D is a Jr in HS and can finish here in some good schools. We can also keep a good house here. The bad - I can barely afford the house in VA now, let alone trying to find el cheapo apartment in CO for me to live in (W does not make any money). Also W is very bad with communication - she does not call or email very often at all, even when I travel. We had a rough patch 2 years ago (went to counseling) and briefly discussed separation. Things have gotten better since then, but there are lingering hurt feelings. Thoughts?
justagirliegirl Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 It sounds like you have a difficult situation. No kid wants to move to another school and finish their last year of high school away from their friends. If your wife wants wants to stay there, she can go out and get a job to help out. Is there some reason she isn't working now? Please don't use the stay at home mom excuse as it really doesn't fly with a teenager who is close to being out on their own.
Author confused88 Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Wife runs a business (selling antiques) that currently loses about $4K a year. It's an expensive hobby, but to this point I could manage to fund it. She say's it's her dream and someday it may turn a profit - but she wants to keep trying. Basically she isn't willing to get a "real" job - she, get this, says she doesn't want to give up her freedom.
justagirliegirl Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I would tell you you need her financial help if she wants to stay there. She isn't being fair about this. If she really wants to stay there, she should help to make that happen.
Melovator Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 She is totally not being fair- she wants to keep her life where it is then she needs to makes it happen, she should not rely on you to support her 'freedom' in these circumstances. She wants her 'freedom' give her all the damn freedom she can handle- including the freedom to starve. She is setting all the rules, a marriage is about negotiation and joint decisions, she makes a decision to go it alone- then she should go it alone. She should not be talking about her 'freedom' and taking no responsibility for herself. You don't deserve this sh*t.
PWSX3 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 You have a lot of different things to concider & they do affect others besides yourself & that really makes it hard. As for your teenager I also feel it would be best that she gets to finish her schooling at the same place if that is what she wants to do. I had gone to the same school for 10 years then my dad had to move because of his job, but I was lucky enough to have been going to a private school & my last two years of high school I lived in the dorm so I was able to finish there even though my folks moved. Have you talked to your kid in private (without her mom there) to see what she wants to do? It could be her mom is the one saying she wants to stay there to finish school. In a marriage you do have to compromise, but it sounds like you have no choice since the military is moving you. As for CO I'm not sure what part you are moving to (I'm assuming southern part) but the cost of living isn't cheap & apartments are expensive at least around here. Just come out, enjoy the mountains, the people, etc. & leave her there. If she loves you then after your kid graduates then you can talk about what to do after that. I do have to say; CO isn't that bad of a place to live.
Author confused88 Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I've talked to my daughter - she likes VA and wants to stay, but is not adverse to moving. We are very close (she's Dad's girl!!!) I'm headed to Colorado Springs to teach, btw. Yes - I feel she is being unfair also, but I can't force her to move, and it has the advantage of keeping my D in a great school... SO I use that to justify the split. My big issue - I'm a people person and I don't like being alone. Waking up next to someone, talking about the day over coffee in the morning, and having someone to talk to after a long day (good and bad) is really important to me. Being honest about it - yes I will miss my W, but mostly I don't want to be lonely. Is this one of those suck it up times, or is this one of those where you go your own ways?
jmargel Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 What are you getting out of this marriage? Your wife is like a little kid, having her cake and eating it as well. Losing her freedom? Pretty lame excuse there. Sounds like she has no responsibilities in this marriage and hasn't in a long time. She's using you as a meal ticket, to keep a roof over her head and allow her to do what she pleases. As long as you tolerate this behavior it WILL get worse. IMO this freedom will move onto 'other hobbies' if you know what I mean. I mean why not? You already mention she doesn't communicate with you and what will stop her from finding someone else to mess around with? You being across the country and really no way of anyone else finding out and being able to tell you, you will be living in constant fear and worry about what is truly going on. Honestly if you already have problems in this marriage, 3 years of having a LDR with her is not going to work. She either needs to take responsibility in all of this and move with you (she knew what she was getting involved with when she married you with the moving) or leave.
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