Did Not Contact Her :)

[oppath]

I successfully didn't give in to my panic attack and call the ex!

 

I've had insomnia all week, and now a summer cold, and since I'm going back to San Diego next weekend (if you want to move the SoCal meetup to then I'm down) I've had FEAR of running into her if I hang out with some of our mutual friends.

 

This woman hurt me bad. Had she been honest with me, and not asked to be Friends With Benefits 2 weeks after she ended our 6 month relationship, maybe, in time, friendship would have been possible. I responded ANGRILY to the FWB request and when I learned about her dishonesty. I overreacted since I hadn't been there before, and tried apologizing several times, to no response. I'm not sure why I apologized. I was embarrassed that I reacted so strongly and got some mutual friends involved; my reaction was juvenile in a sense but I shouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.

 

Anyway, with no acknowledgement from her, it has torn away at me and I know she is poison for me. What she did to me was wrong. How I reacted was over-the-top but if she had any empathetic foresight, it wouldn't have happened. I don't think there is a single person on this board who, if they dumped someone, and it was a non-mutual (though non-angry breakup), and the dumpee said "please, I can't be friends, we might not ever be able to be friends though I hope it happens several months down the line. Give me time and space so I can heal and move on to the relationship I desire", would respond, "I understand. Let me know when you are down for a friends with benefits relationship." I chose anger because assertion didn't work.

 

For some reason, however, it's hard to fully let go, of the anger, my own shame, and even...hope. Hope is the last to die though I wouldn't take her back. I know we can't be friends, but I fear running into her and having a panic attack. We share some mutual friends. I have this idea in my head that if only she'd apologize to me and acknowledge me, we could be civil and I'd be ok. So when the anxiety picks up, I ****ing want to call her. I want her to absolve me for acting like and idiot, with rageful words.

 

But then I realize, even IN a relationship, everyone loses their cool every now and then. It's not a healthy way to solve disputes, but most people, at some point, sadly will express anger in an aggressive way. I am human, I had a right to be pissed, she did me wrong. I haven't been able to let go of the fact that I am not perfect and reacted imperfectly to a problem where there WAS NO SOLUTION. There was no solution to the problem. But I can't cope with acting imperfectly, so I BLAME BLAME BLAME her, making myself a victim, to justify that I am embarrassed at how I reacted. It must be her fault because I have to be perfect. Yes, she caused me unneccessary pain, but I must be responsible for my actions. I've learned from it and would react differently in the future, though it's unclear how. I'd probably just say "I feel highly insulted and objectified that you would ask this of me so soon after a breakup. I feel belittled and it devalues me and our relationship. If that is what you are looking for, I suggest you go somewhere else. I'm not going to belittle myself. I'm hurt enough as it is and you asking this really hurts me." instead of "when you broke up with me, you broke up with my cock. I'm not going to whore myself out to you, and that's not going to change 1 week or 1 year from now."

 

So, I called a friend who is familiar with my story to say, "hey, I have this anxiety, and need to tell someone I have this anxiety." Then, I called another friend and didn't bring it up at all. Now, I feel good. The urge has passed. I don't want to contact her. She is a great woman, but she made a big mistake in how she initiated the break up. I wish her the best and hope to someday run into her and be able to smile at her and make 5 minutes of small talk, and I hope she falls in love, has a family, etc. But she is not good for me, I know it, I'm glad I have the strength to get through these moments.

[AriaIncognito]

Good job oppath! I know how hard it is to not give in to these urges. And you're so right, hope is the last to go. I still have hope that my ex will stop being a moron and realize what he had with me was real and hard to replace, but well, if he were worth my time and energy, I'd be be saying "we" and not just "me" so obviously I need to do what I can to get rid of the hope too...

 

It's hard. Just wanted to empathize with you. And really good job on calling someone ELSE instead of her. No point in letting her ego get any bigger, right?

[oppath]

You have no idea how difficult it is. It's been a long time since contact with her. Her last words to me were "I was just joking." It hurt so badly that the first woman to tell me she loved me...her last words were "I was just joking" in response to me being angry at her for asking to be **** buddies.

 

****ing depression.

 

While I now know we'll never be friends, I want to let you know that gave me things beautiful, nourishing, and memorable. I chose a victim roll, but the things I have learned about myself, my imperfections, my fears, my pains, will only make me a better person. In a way, I owe you thanks; you showed me a taste of what love is like, and I've been forced to confront

old

wounds and demons, a terrible imposition that comes blacking through my mind, shot, like a diamond bullet, pure and crystalline, each facet reflecting fear. I was not used, not all love lasts, it is not meant to last. All relationships are temporary, they all end. We are both beautiful. I only wish I had expressed to you how the time of my life had passed, the darkness of the rooms I walked through. I was waiting, waiting to see your figure standing naked over me, with a mole on your arm and a wry way of holding wide the ceiling of my darkened path. I was looking for a savior. When we mingled our limbs, swam and buckled, I emoted hope. Unlovable, years of abuse, wiped away with love, for the first time, I felt...normal. You loved me but knew there were other loves that you needed to experience, other lovers, other joys and pains. I loved you. I never loved myself. I was unable to cope with that reality when you withdrew your love.

 

I only wish I had more clearly expressed why I needed a couple months space, then all the drama would have been avoided. Friendship wouldn't have been possible, but at least civility. Now, we don't even possess that.

Uuggghh I feel so dark. The damage she did to me was deep, and she had no idea the reasons why. I just feel, if she could somehow know, then she could forgive me and express apologies herself...but that is IRRATIONAL. I admit I reacted very juvenile to the end of the breakup...after big **** was revealed to me. I simply did not know how to cope. Lovers enter my life but I discard them; I don't even wish to face intimacy. I know this is only a moment though. I will persevere and get over her and over my depression.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Oppath, I have been in your situation (as I'm sure many on here have). The urge to contact them is overpowering, it takes the last ounce of willpower left, to avoid doing that. Even then, we err.

 

You did a good job, by resisting and diverting your need to call. Full points to you for that.

 

Don't give in, not after all the rationalizing you have done in your posts. You're right in your thinking, so stick by what you've said.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

You have no idea how difficult it is. It's been a long time since contact with her. Her last words to me were "I was just joking." It hurt so badly that the first woman to tell me she loved me...her last words were "I was just joking" in response to me being angry at her for asking to be **** buddies.

 

****ing depression.

 

While I now know we'll never be friends, I want to let you know that gave me things beautiful, nourishing, and memorable. I chose a victim roll, but the things I have learned about myself, my imperfections, my fears, my pains, will only make me a better person. In a way, I owe you thanks; you showed me a taste of what love is like, and I've been forced to confront

old

wounds and demons, a terrible imposition that comes blacking through my mind, shot, like a diamond bullet, pure and crystalline, each facet reflecting fear. I was not used, not all love lasts, it is not meant to last. All relationships are temporary, they all end. We are both beautiful. I only wish I had expressed to you how the time of my life had passed, the darkness of the rooms I walked through. I was waiting, waiting to see your figure standing naked over me, with a mole on your arm and a wry way of holding wide the ceiling of my darkened path. I was looking for a savior. When we mingled our limbs, swam and buckled, I emoted hope. Unlovable, years of abuse, wiped away with love, for the first time, I felt...normal. You loved me but knew there were other loves that you needed to experience, other lovers, other joys and pains. I loved you. I never loved myself. I was unable to cope with that reality when you withdrew your love.

 

I only wish I had more clearly expressed why I needed a couple months space, then all the drama would have been avoided. Friendship wouldn't have been possible, but at least civility. Now, we don't even possess that.

Uuggghh I feel so dark. The damage she did to me was deep, and she had no idea the reasons why. I just feel, if she could somehow know, then she could forgive me and express apologies herself...but that is IRRATIONAL. I admit I reacted very juvenile to the end of the breakup...after big **** was revealed to me. I simply did not know how to cope. Lovers enter my life but I discard them; I don't even wish to face intimacy. I know this is only a moment though. I will persevere and get over her and over my depression.

 

Please don't re-read her deep dark notes to you. They'll make you more depressed.

 

The note is probably an attempt to get over her guilt. Well, she can do away with her guilt. But it's her guilt to bear, because she was the one who did you wrong.

 

Take a deep breath, take a short walk, do whatever. Just don't re-read the note. Pretend that it was written to someone else.

[Nemo]

Please don't re-read her deep dark notes to you.

That's good advice. File them in a box, or just burn them.

[oppath]

Please don't re-read her deep dark notes to you. They'll make you more depressed.

 

The note is probably an attempt to get over her guilt. Well, she can do away with her guilt. But it's her guilt to bear, because she was the one who did you wrong.

 

Take a deep breath, take a short walk, do whatever. Just don't re-read the note. Pretend that it was written to someone else.

 

No, that note is one I wrote to her but did not send! That is my darkness. I don't feel she intended to do me wrong. And I expressed anger in a really unhealthy way. I've shouldered all the guilt. Because I reacted, I pushed other people away and made a fool of myself. I can't let go of my guilt. I desire absolution. And I know how messed up that is, because all I did was react with anger to someone really hurting me, and it is almost impossible in those moments to remain calm and rational. I was abused as a kid and she opened up terrible wounds of being used and abused and abandoned by someone who is suppossed to have loved me. I want her to forgive my reaction, and I want her to apologize. She feels NO GUILT. If she did, she would have contacted me. In her mind she did nothing wrong...she was just making a request, and I could have just said "no."

 

I hurled vicious words at her. Years of repressed feelings were triggered and I let loose. I involved friends, which only served to make me look further like a fool. Yes, she did me wrong. Yes, she didn't have any empathetic foresight (which is shocking). Yes, it is ok if I reacted imperfectly to an imperfect problem with no solution. Yet, I know she didn't mean to hurt me, and in her eyes, I became a monster, someone who lost control.

 

I lost my love.

I lost my dignity.

I lost my pride.

I lost mutual friends.

I lost feeling intimate and connected to people.

I lost my self esteem.

I lost years of therapy and confidence building.

 

I lost those things because of me, not because of her, because I had issues I had not sorted out. I grew up feeling unloved and unlovable, worthless, and losing those things brought those feelings back, and I am scared. I dwell in misery and disasters because they are comforting. I know them. I'm not sure I know how to be happy. And honestly, I'm scared of getting there again, only to crash yet another time.

[Nemo]

And honestly, I'm scared of getting there again, only to crash yet another time.

Well, the monks are always on the lookout for new recruits. I wouldn't beat yourself up about losing a friendship - things are never the same after a relationship ends. One of you would always end up wanting more, and there's no silver (or diamond) bullet.

[oppath]

I've just had a bad week with my depression. It's cyclical. I do beat myself up. For some reason all I feel an apology would salve the wounds. But would it really? Likely, it would just open up another.

 

I'm going to go out and spend some money on ME today. Treat myself. I think I need it.

[Nemo]

I've just had a bad week with my depression. It's cyclical.

Yes, I've heard that the bike seat can unnecessarily compress the testicles.

I'm going to go out and spend some money on ME today. Treat myself. I think I need it.

Great idea. I hope you soon start to feel better. Maybe walk if you can, and it might help to loosen up your equipment.

[oppath]

Thanks for making me laugh. The difficult part is accepting that I was abused as a kid, and my words to my ex were vicious. I now believe that I am abusive, and I can't shake it.

[Nemo]

I now believe that I am abusive, and I can't shake it.

Who was it that said that recognizing one's faults is the biggest step toward conquering them... well, not me. But I will take the credit if no one else steps forward.