Another sucky update, long & rambling

[Melovator]

Unfortunately, you will continue to be hurt by him until you fully accept what is going on. (And it's natural for you to take some time before you can fully accept that). Your husband wants a divorce and is acting accordingly. Now that he's told you he wants out, in his mind, he's a free man, free to do whatever he chooses. In his mind, the marriage is over, and the divorce is only a technicality. All these "promises" he tells you is simply to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting you.

 

Dgiirl is right as much as it sucks.

 

I think it is time to "LET HER GO" on her merry way. He doesn't agree of course (I told him what she supposedly said).

 

You're co-owner, you don't want to work with this woman, then tell him- she's gone, it's not working for you and if your labour laws allow you to do that then too bad, too sad for her, just obtain legal advice first to make sure she can't get you involved in any costly action. She's been disrespectful of you, her boss, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

And you don't have to put up with his sh*t either!

 

I also told him I think we need to start the process of selling this company. Even if it means less $ for us in the long run, at least we cut our losses, get away and get started "starting over".

 

If that's what you need to do, then do it. Because you know you are capable of the hard work, dedication and physical effort involved in running your own business. And you can find something that you're passionate about and do it again if you want, only this time you'll have way more knowledge and skills than the first time around and it will ALL BE YOURS!

[mammax3]

Good luck TXB! I wish I had something to say that may help you.

 

I'm thinking of you.

 

((HUG))

[TXButterfly]

UPDATE: Spoke with him about selling the business. I just don't see how I can face him every day, work with this girl every day, etc. It is torturing me. I've been in denial (still am) about how painful this really is & thinking we could actually work together but now I see the alternative - hey, what if we DIDN'T work together? I saw I'd be able to move on more easily, saw some potential in my life / career if it were something new. I have cooled down on firing that girl, esp now that we are moving forward on trying to sell it. Pretty much everyone will lose their jobs & that would include her so I will just have to deal with it in the mean time. Maybe can work from home more until then.

 

So we talked on the phone today (were going to go see fireworks together but we agreed it was best not to see each other in a personal setting now). He talks as if he's decided that this is REALLY OVER, but then he says he thinks we should live apart & "think it through". I have been feeling like I am in limbo. So I just put it out there & said "what is it that you want? why do you keep saying you need to think when you talk the other way" and he said "what do you think" or something like that - and I said that my feelings haven't really changed: I realize there were major problems but would have at least liked to have worked on it first. But also that a lot of couples go back and forth with each other before finally calling it quits and I didn't want to do that, but to just decide now. And I also said that even if he wanted to get back together (and I said I didn't think he did, but even IF he did at some point) that a lot has happened since the separation that has really hurt me (dinner date with my employee!)...that we never had trust issues before but now we would have that to deal with too. And that I never dreamed I'd be in a marriage with trust issues...so we should prob go ahead and divorce even though I didn't want it. And will be brokenhearted, and will miss him terribly.

 

He said he doesn't think we should try, and didn't think that. He was just giving me some time to come around and see how bad things were. He said he feels bad that I am hurting so much, that I don't deserve to be hurt & I deserve a lot better than he has given me, can give me, etc. He doesn't "want" for us to divorce but that he thinks its the right thing. He loves me, cares about me, wants me to be happy etc.

 

So, there it is. It's really over. I will keep saying that to myself until I actually get it.

 

The thing is, I brought it up probably b/c today is JULY 4th...and I thought to myself, let's make it "Independence Day" for real. And from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."

 

I just hope I can get over this guy. I hope I can find someone new and be in love again. We weren't in love for a long, long time & I have sorta forgotten what that's like. I am shy and hope I can come out of my shell enough to meet a man, I hope they will appreciate that I have some class...that I prefer to share my magic behind closed doors. I hope I can get through this......the next few months are going to be really hard with getting through the divorce emotionally/financially/legally and attempting to sell the business. It is all falling down at once. And I'm getting used to living in a new place, all alone that is SUPER QUIET. I think I am going to take our dog in the meantime so I at least have someone to come home to. 2007 is turning out to be a pretty crappy year

 

Whats so weird about this experience is that I have so many mixed emotions. Some are so painful I can hardly breathe, sad/depressed/angry/lonely. Others are along the lines of relief or excitement even at the possibility of a new life. It's confusing to feel so many different and conflicting feelings all at once.

[sumdude]

Any way the two of you could come to some arrangement where one sells the business to the other? Buy him out .... monthly payments ... something like that.

[TXButterfly]

He has offered to pay me my salary even if I do not work. I guess I could take a leave of absence or something but I'm afraid I'd have toooo much time on my hands and then really lose it. As hard as it is to get up and get moving, when I do it seems a little better. If I just have nothing to do - hmm, might be too easy to really fall apart / into deep depression. Scary.

 

I don't want to just sell my portion and let him keep it. Just one more example of me having to give up everything from our life & him getting to go on as if nothing changed. NOT fair. Also, the company is growing & if I sell now I stand to lose a lot of $$$ by selling too early.

 

We all lose by selling now - but that isn't my fault - I didn't ask for this. He wants this & it just seems like he should have to make some adjustments too.

[Trialbyfire]

You are allowing him to take care of you again and he's manipulating this to his benefit. No more verbal agreements. Time to get everything in a legal agreement. Listen to your attorney.

[TXButterfly]

No, no TBF, I am not doing verbal agreements, not to worry...but thanks for the heads up. The divorce petition hasn't even been filed yet...and we are still working on our "corporate agreement" which will supposedly include the "salary even if you don't work" thing...but I've already told him I'd rather just sell the business and have a clean break, both personally and financially. Even that could take a few months though & I'm not sure I can handle (emotionally) several more months of this seeing him every day.

 

After hearing his final decision yesterday....today I just feel like I am going to DIE..... I just can't believe this is happening. It is so hard b/c my whole life has been him...the marriage, our home, our business (my career) it all includes him, it is all centered around him & I put all my eggs in the same basket...and now he's gone and thrown my basket on the ground...all the eggs are breaking together at once. I feel like I have nothing left.

 

I'm really scared for myself & my sanity. I'm worried about what losing EVERYthing at once is going to do to me emotionally/mentally etc...I feel such deep, dark waves of pain sometimes it scares the crap out of me. I am wondering if I should go get on antidepressants or something. I have even thought it would be better to just die than go through this. I don't know how I am going to make it.

 

I'm losing my best friend...my comfort zone...my protector...my husband...I loved him...the future father of my children...my business partner...confidante...my snuggle mate...my laughter in dark times...my rock...He was my solid ground & now he's gone...

 

I think he was waiting to drop this bomb at a point when we were doing well financially. He hasn't said it but that is what I think - last year was a tough year money-wise so I think he was waiting & now that we're doing well - BOOM. He says most people when they get divorced have to worry about money but we won't...that we'll be fine. I guess that's good but it's a small relief when you're losing everything else.

 

How on earth do I rebuild EVERY facet of my life from this?? My identity, my self esteem, my career....I have always been a really proud person, didn't like asking for help & I feel so unbelievably vulnerable...so scared.

He keeps telling me I am being too hard on myself, I am rewriting the history and making it seem better than it was.

 

I'm scared that maybe I need to check myself into some type of hospital for a few weeks. I can't believe how terrible I feel...I don't know how to deal with it. I'm terrified....of how I feel, of where my life is going...I don't see good things for myself right now...not friends, or a new man...not a job...but a straightjacket with me in it...and in my head are playing images of him having s*x with someone else (beautiful and perfect in all the ways I am not), having kids with someone else...taking our business from me and me left with nothing.

 

Sorry to be such a downer but the images playing in my head are awful...gotta get them out somehow.

[Trialbyfire]

You're an intelligent woman. You can be strong and stand on your own two feet. While yes, he's taken care of you, he also strikes me as a control freak. Not now but later, you will find out how heady freedom and self-success can be.

 

For now, let yourself grieve. Get it all out now. Don't be afraid to cry like you've never cried before. The more you allow yourself to feel now, the easier and quicker it will be later on.

[sumdude]

TX slow down, you'll be OK. Worry about right now, it's all you have control over. Easier said than done but remember. All you have control over is your own actions at this exact moment. You have no idea what will happen tomorrow .... ever. Take care of this second, this minute, this day... tomorrow will come regardless ... and you'll deal with tomorrow when you get there. If you spend your time worrying about tomorrow you will use up all the eneergy you need to deal with the right here and now and get nowhere anyway.

 

Try this on for size and repeat when you feel overwhelmed....

 

" Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

You cannot change the past, cannot change how your H feels or what he is doing and you cannot foretell the future ... so deal with yourself and today. Get today pretty good and tomorrow gets better.

 

And yes .... greive ... let it all out. Take the whole weekend and just let it out of you... Been there, it hurt like hell. I'm a man and I bawled like some kind of infant. I had more than one thing to grieve for built up in me. But I felt better when I let it out and healed faster.

[funkybassplayer]

''And yes .... greive ... let it all out. Take the whole weekend and just let it out of you... Been there, it hurt like hell. I'm a man and I bawled like some kind of infant. I had more than one thing to grieve for built up in me. But I felt better when I let it out and healed faster'' Quote.

 

I was like you lost ex and her 3 kids in one go, but let out all the emotion as i had to, and as i have no day job, was able to do it as and when. Keeping busy was not the way for me, i did'nt want to cover up with **** that i could'nt deal with, i sulked layed on the couch, cryed whatever, and now with the help of posting here, people here, and strict no contact, after 2 months since the spit, im well on the way to being the guy before i got on this relationship that prayed on my emotins. You cant keep a good man (or woman) down! and doind whats right for me. Thats the key, its over and now its about you and you alone. If i have a weak moment i always remember one thing she said 'you should be over your dads death' What sort of decent human being would say this on the aniversary of your dads death? a crap one!

[Ladyjane14]

I don't want to just sell my portion and let him keep it.

 

I would. I'd go find the biggest a*hole on the face of the planet... and THAT's the guy/gal I'd sell it to. Either that or I'd hire a representative to manage my interests FOR me.

 

Look, you're right.... You did have all your eggs in one basket. The only action you can take now though is to start to diversify. You're not going to be happy with your work anymore, not like you were before. So, staying there and letting your STBX mind-f*ck you twice a day isn't an option.

 

Living well is the best revenge anyway. Why not get out and explore your professional options? Put your expertise into another project somewhere else so it can be totally yours, and hand the old place off to someone who's capable, yet ANNOYING to your STBX.

 

(we really need a "little devil" emoticon. )

[dgiirl]

LJ, I'm so in love with you!!! You are one smart lady

 

TXB, I was like you too. My whole life was centered around my ex, and that was wrong of ME and it is wrong of you. Your ex cannot be everything for you. You need to have balance in your life and right now you have a chance to rectify that mistake. Yes, what you are going through is very hard, but I do believe that God/Higher power gives us enough that we can handle, and he wouldnt be putting you through ALL of this unless you can handle it. You ARE strong enough to deal with this all. It's good to grieve, but do know you are strong enough to get through this. When the pain is too unbearable, just focus on the present moment. There is noone there right at this moment making you miserable. It's your own thoughts making you cry. Your ex leaving was one crappy painful event that happened one day in the past. But the event is not continuously happening, so be present in the present.

[Ladyjane14]

:love:Dgiirl :love:...

On THIS board, baby, I can only talk-the-talk. It's YOU who's walking-the-walk. And the way you do it is inspirational.

 

:bunny::bunny:

[TXButterfly]

Hi all, it's been a while since I've been able to get online. Thanks so much for your input and advice. I especially value the part about just trying to concentrate on TODAY. And not worry about tomorrow. I'm going to have to work on that one. Thanks also for telling me I am smart, capable, strong enough to handle this, etc. I need to hear that.

 

Yes, TBF, he is a control freak. And while I AM enjoying having more freedom, it's stunted by the overwhelming quiet, the loneliness. But you are correct in your analysis of him. He would even admit that.

 

There are a few key moments I'm dreading...I'm really dreading that day when I find out he's dating again. Probably even more than the day when the divorce is final (although I'm sure that will suck big time too). The emotional "it's over" seems worse than the legal one to me. I guess it's the rejection and knowing I wasn't enough & he's on his way to finding "the one"...wondering what she will be like, etc. I don't really know how long he plans to wait until he starts dating (he swears he isn't seeing anyone) but I doubt it will be very long after things are legally over. I think I mentioned he had already created a dating profile on one site I knew of & is just keeping it private for now while we're separated. How can someone move on so fast??? After 11 years? I just don't get it. I can't imagine dating right now, or even for months after.

 

It feels like I will feel like this forever...HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE until it really does take a turn for the better? Until I am not crying EVERY day? Or so ANGRY that I am scared how much I hate him. I'm not a hateful person so feeling like that scares me.

 

All of this started the end of May. It's already been almost 2 months. He is going out of town this week and said when he gets back let's get all the papers filed, get the process moving. Yay (sarcastic). So it's 2 months after we file that things will be final (most likely, if the divorce settlement negotiation is simple).

 

We recently (last week) got news of a new BIG account we won - so I am really hopeful this will make selling the company a LOT easier. If I sell too soon (my portion) then I stand to lose a LOT of $ so I'm kinda stuck right now. Every day, I pray that we can sell the company outright. Then we both lose the same things at the same time, instead of him getting to go on with OUR company like nothing happened while I disappear into oblivion. NOT FAIR. Why should he get to stay and reap all the rewards? And have fun with all the employees, our team (half mine), while I'm all alone and trying to figure out a new career on top of everything else? I know, I can't imagine ever feeling the same way about this job again, but losing ALL my stability just seems like too much at once. I could see myself doing something different in a couple of years but not really RIGHT NOW. That's too much change and stress for me right now.

 

During the interim, my sister recommended trying to move my team to a separate location so I don't have to see him every day. Right now we are literally 10 steps from each other's offices. It's amazing how powerful DENIAL is - I really thought I could do this but now that it's setting in more...seeing him is too painful. Especially now that he's lost 30 pounds & looks good again - especially when he jokes around with people at work like NOTHING bad is going on - and I'm sitting here pasting on a smile and fighting back tears. He tells me he is really torn up over it & he cries about it & he is just putting on a happy face as a way of coping. It still drives me crazy when he seems to be just fine though.

 

It's weird b/c on ONE hand, the "story" reads that: we both love each other but there's chemistry & compatibility problems. Strong platonic love. We've both been missing something though. In the past, it was probably me that was the more unhappy one, due to his controlling and sometimes mean behavior. I had to give up a lot in order for the relationship to work. My mom says the relationship "absorbed" me.

 

On the OTHER hand, there's this new twist: All of a sudden, out of the blue, he is the one ending it. I was shocked, caught off guard. He's confessed attractions to other women - women that work for me. He's lied and taken one of them to dinner behind my back. He's already talking about dating again. He's making a lot of personal changes. He's told me he's not in love with me. He acts all happy at work like nothing is happening. To me, though, he tells me he loves me & cares about me, I'm so beautiful/smart/talented/wonderful just we're not a good long term fit. He wants us to remain friends. I feel like I am dying inside. My perspective feels skewed - right now he seems so much more valuable in my eyes than he did & I seem a lot less valuable. I don't like feeling like he is a more valuable person than me, people like him more, he's "better" than me. But that's how it feels.

 

So I am having a hard time reconciling the two sides of the story together. Will I ever feel like "ok yeah, NOW I remember why I was unhappy before, this really IS the right thing". Or will I always just feel the most current feeling of being rejected. I hate that I feel so rejected. Like I'd take the tiniest scraps of attention from him if he'd give them to me.

 

Before this relationship I would have NEVER put up with that from myself. But I don't know how to turn it OFF. It's just THERE. I wish I could work through it and change my perception about what our STORY is. But I'm scared I'm going to always just remember the rejection....and not all the unhappiness I originally felt, too.

 

My counselor tells me I am like a puppet on a string right now, just reacting whenever he pulls a string. My whole mood depends on how he treats me - if he is nice/kind to me, I'm in a good mood, I feel valuable. If he's cold to me, or overly friendly with others, I feel like sh*t about myself. How do I stop feeling like that??? How do I get my self esteem back??? I just feel so crappy about myself...like no one would want me. I mean, we were married 8 years...and he didn't want me...shouldn't he know if I'm valuable or not? And he voted no.

 

I know I am giving him SOOO much power over me but I don't know how to stop it.

 

Sorry this is so long, had a lot to vent

[Trialbyfire]

I think it's an excellent idea to move your team if it's possible. You need to distance yourself so you have a fighting chance to get over him. Continuous contact like this will continue to erode on your self-esteem.

 

Btw, you don't have to be friends with him since you don't have any kids together. Since you do work together, the extent of your responsibilities is to be civil. If anything, I would recommend against being friends since you still have strong emotions about him.

 

I'm glad you chose therapy. I found it extremely helpful from a tools for coping, perspective.

[sumdude]

It's weird b/c on ONE hand, the "story" reads that: we both love each other but there's chemistry & compatibility problems. Strong platonic love. We've both been missing something though. In the past, it was probably me that was the more unhappy one, due to his controlling and sometimes mean behavior. I had to give up a lot in order for the relationship to work. My mom says the relationship "absorbed" me.

 

On the OTHER hand, there's this new twist: All of a sudden, out of the blue, he is the one ending it. I was shocked, caught off guard. He's confessed attractions to other women - women that work for me. He's lied and taken one of them to dinner behind my back. He's already talking about dating again. He's making a lot of personal changes. He's told me he's not in love with me. He acts all happy at work like nothing is happening. To me, though, he tells me he loves me & cares about me, I'm so beautiful/smart/talented/wonderful just we're not a good long term fit. He wants us to remain friends. I feel like I am dying inside. My perspective feels skewed - right now he seems so much more valuable in my eyes than he did & I seem a lot less valuable. I don't like feeling like he is a more valuable person than me, people like him more, he's "better" than me. But that's how it feels.

 

 

Hi TX,

 

I wish I had an answer for you. It takes as long as it takes... you have to take an active role in rebuilding yourself. You have to fight for your own self esteem because you are the only one who controls it in reality. I'm at six months and still dealing with it. Not nearly as bad or as often by far ... but that nagging feeling of self doubt occasionally rears it's ugly head at times. Heck I've lost 60 lbs am in the best shape of my life and people are amazed at how I look. The number of compliments almost gets embarassing but I STILL get that feeling sometimes. Just have to shake it off. I know it will pass eventually though. The only rejection that could affect someone more is being rejected by your own mother or father I suppose. You will get through it and evetually fourish but it will be a rough ride for a while.

 

I don't know if this link was recommended to you but the advice there is priceless.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com

 

these articles in particular

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/junk_person.html

[TXButterfly]

thanks sumdude, i spent quite a while reading those articles last nite. very helpful. one thing that confused me in some of the content was whether or not they suggested to really "wallow" in the feelings or not. I'm afraid I'm getting stuck in the bad feelings & maybe should get an anti-depressant or something. I mean, I want to allow myself to feel & get it out, but how do you know when it's TOO MUCH? I feel like all the emotion is really affecting my ability to function. I already was a very small person & have now just lost my appetite almost entirely & am rapidly losing weight. Can't sleep, cry at the drop of a hat, panic attack if something mildly stressful comes up, no motivation to do work. I am seeing my general practitioner on Thursday to discuss this & see if something is needed to smooth me out over the next couple of months during the major transition of the divorce, figuring out the business, etc.

 

I don't want to be so emotionally screwed up that I can't think straight & then make bad financial decisions...business decisions...things that will likely affect me for years to come. So maybe I should get meds to help me function better until some of these questions are answered?? There is a history of chronic / debilitating depression in my family so I am scared about that.

[TXButterfly]

i decided to post this separately - here are some ideas my atty gave me for how we might handle the biz and our roles with it. any thoughts or opinions?

 

possible options.

 

OPTION A • sell it outright, then we both lose the job identity instead of just me...but it's a clean break (assuming there is a taker). get cash now which will help me support myself, and i will prob stay on with the new company but won't work directly with him anymore. maybe work there a couple years, then change careers (i was burned out on my job BEFORE the divorce came up, so even doing it a couple more years seems daunting).

 

OPTION B • me take a leave of absence for a couple of months, sort out my feelings and figure out what i want to do about work. take a break. My atty said he needs to sign a letter agreeing to pay my full salary and benefits during this time and no judgments when I return. Upon my return (if I return) then work as far from him as possible (at home for example). If not to return, have him buy me out...probably over a period of time, since the business is going to grow a lot next year & i don't deserve to lose out on that growth by selling 100% of my interest now, prematurely before the growth boom/investment is realized.

 

OPTION C • me go ahead and start working from home, come in every so often for staff meetings, etc. maybe do this for 12-18 mos (VERY limited contact) then we try to sell the biz after the growth peak has finalized, so max return is achieved. If not to sell entire business, him buy me out (or someone else to buy me out). I move on to other career.

 

OPTION D • not an option....me buy him out. I just don't want the responsibility of managing a business. That's his job & he does it well. I design products & enjoy the creative side of things, I don't want the stress of running a business and it isn't my forte anyway!

 

The goal is to find something that is : fair to both him and me, protects me from losing out on the future growth that is coming (that is a direct result of my efforts the last 6 years), allows me time to rest since I was burned out before this started - and now I really need some space from him too.

 

Thanks for reading my VERY long posts. It helps a lot to write about it and share it with others.

[azianpride143]

I'm glad with your progress and how your moving forward. Like what everyone has said you need to separate your emotions from your decisions. Always think outside the box. Analyze your situation and decide what's best for you. It's now all about your interests and you only have one shot at it.

 

It's hard to see the crux of it all since the future seems so bleak at this time. But it will get clearer and clearer as you start taking control and move forward. Get yourself in IC so you can get some help dealing with the "emotional rollercoaster". Take care of yourself.

[TXButterfly]

Thanks A! I appreciate the comment that things will get clearer...that helps keep me moving. I want to understand this crap as much as possible.

 

I feel like I AM making a little progress. Only in that I am trying to check off some things on my to do list that I have been resisting. It's hard doing things...don't feel like doing them...but then I DO feel better after so I need to remember that.

 

I'm starting to realize just how bad it is going to be for ME to continue working face-to-face with him. Even just talking to him for 2 seconds on the phone about work derails me. I think because it is ONLY about work now when he communicates with me. It feels like more rejection when he does that. I wouldn't mind hearing once in a while that he cared. Or ask me how I am doing every so often. F*cker.

 

He doesn't ask me b/c he knows I am doing shi*tty and he doesn't want to open it up for fear of a "conversation". He wants to talk and be friends so long as we can be just like we used to be...or so long as it's happy-fake I guess (he's fake). He walks around acting like nothing has happened and he's just A-OK which just drives me insane. He says its an act to make himself feel better, but I don't see how...it seems so natural. He is all friendly and fun with our employees - so he can be "the fun/cool one" while I'm falling apart. I think he does this on purpose...to build his own self-esteem at my expense. Gradually taking away everything that mattered to me (the respect/love of my team). Part of me wants to just let go now - I don't see how I can win that battle, so fine - let him have it. Do I stay and fight?? Or get out now with as much dignity as possible, even if it means he "wins"?? He has become so passive agressive/manipulative with this stuff...I truly think he does it on purpose. And that scares the living SH*T out of me....worries me what else he is capable of.

 

He says everyone he has talked to has told him to give me the space I need to heal...so he says he's "doing it for me". Its amazing how little responsibility he takes for the whole thing. He is always doing it "for me". I want to say "why don't you ask me what *I* want instead of making decisions FOR ME?!?" And I have, but he always finds a way to rationalize *everything*, always has some line of cop-outs ready. He has *always* thought he knew what I needed MORE than I did...so I guess this should be no different.

 

I agree I need space, but it hurts how he just turns off his feelings like a faucet. He says he went to dinner with his family a week or so ago & just cried the whole time...upset at how much he is hurting me...but then to my face he is so *matter of fact* that it really stings. If he cares then why be so cold to me??? It doesn't make sense.

 

I think we'd have a lot better chance at being friends someday if it seemed like he felt something, if it seemed like he cared. And if he wasn't playing manipulative games to take away my employees' loyalty to me. And if he didn't flirt with the girls that I have to work with.

 

One thing I thought to myself this morning...he has made this amazing transformation (lost 30+ pounds & is working out like mad) and it's happened sooo super fast for him...but I think he is going to lose steam at some point (how much skinnier can he get?)...then it will be just "maintenance" for him and that's a lot less exciting than the phase he's in now. MY transformation is yet to come, and I think....will be greater and longer lasting, and REAL since it will actually come over A PERIOD OF TIME, after a time of HEALING as opposed to just running out and becoming a brand new person overnight. I think b/c he still sees me (gets to spend a little time with me, doesn't have to feel the loss of me in his life) AND b/c he sees me hurting, this fuels his self-confidence boom...which in turn, is equally bad for ME. We're still connected - in a way that benefits him and is harmful to me. I feel he is sucking the life out of me...always have, really...just more exaggerated and painful/harmful to me now that he's all about himself now.

 

I know my greatness is about to come. If I can just ride out this healing bit. So many people have told me they're surprised HE left - that they always thought I was too good for him. So, I chose "butterfly" as my name here b/c of the metaphor. I'm in my cocoon right now. And you guys are helping me while I'm in it, thank you.....

[azianpride143]

Look at my situation for example. My ex was all ready to go. Found someone and was willing to leave everything we've worked hard for behind. The difference was that the tables turned, the money ran out, and she had no clue what to do. So she decided to try to come back. During the time that we have been separated, I managed to pick myself up, clean the dust of my shoulders, and go on with my life. I told her flat out that it's too late and there's nothing to go back to.

 

You will get to this stage at some point in the future and you will look back at your relationship wondering why you have put up with this all these years. All I have to say is that you need some time away from him. You need a break from the daily interactions. This will allow you time to think your whole relationship through and accept the reality of your situation. In my case the separation helped me with working things out with myself. We still interact because of the kids but that's how far that goes.

 

That's why I mentioned that you have to take care of yourself. I never understood this in the beginning of my journey. I would always wonder why, when I did not have the will to eat or sleep. But you have to. At some point, you need to start channeling your anger/pain and put it to positive use. I started working out and working out everyday up to now. I am now in the best shape of my life. At the same time it helps boost your self-esteem. You have to find an outlet for all that bent emotions that's all.

 

For once think about yourself, think about your future. Make a list of things you've always wanted to do and achieve. Channel all your energy to get to your goals. You have this bright future ahead of you. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. This is your time to focus on yourself and get to know you.

[TXButterfly]

I can't really elaborate b/c I am on my way to dinner - but it's clear from recent events that STBX and the girl who works for me (we'll call her Trampy) are definitely flirting with each other, etc. I have strong reason to believe that the two of them are in cohoots to try and get me out of here.

 

She's an opportunist. She knows if I leave, she is next in line to step up (unless I name someone else I suppose).

 

I am totally devastated right now. I am GLAD to be getting away from this loser...don't get me wrong...but now I am more so than ever just concerned about:

 

• losing my company

• losing my current and future income

• being made to look incompetent

• how to deal with this b*tch who works for me

 

my brain is fried. if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

i am meeting with my atty next week, and also gathering names of other atty's and possibly a private investigator as well.

[sumdude]

If you're sure about this ... and remember your mind is very geared up with your emotions. Think about the keeping the business option. Can you say HOSTILE TAKEOVER! If you want the business .. if you think you can run it with help then you should fight for it. Find someone to be a new partner and invest OR start a new one run the way YOU want it run with the people YOU choose to be working with.

 

Times are really hard right now and it seriously sucks that you are going throught this. Take two weeks vacation and get as far from that place as you can while the lawyerr machine grinds out some options. Do NOT let on to any plans you may have or what your lawyer is doing. While you're gone weep, moan, scream, rant, rave ... whatever you need to do. Come back loaded for bear.

 

I know it's next to impossible right now but try really hard to use your brain and look at this from a business perspective. Imagine yourself as an observer of what is happening, Now imagine yourself 1 - 2 years from now without your X and happy 'cause there's some NEW really good stuff in your life. What do you want to be doing?

[TXButterfly]

thanks sumdude....(breathe in, breathe out)

 

yes, i think my mind is geared up (no DOUBT bout that) but i'd rather be safe than sorry i suppose. i know i cannot trust him anymore. i had to talk to him on the phone today (work related) and he made some comment like "i know you're having a hard time getting your work done lately with everything going on" and i was like, WTF???

 

I have missed some time lately (1 week right after this all came up, 3 days about a week ago, and several 1/2 days in between) but I said "ExCUSE me?!?! NO. Of COURSE I am having a hard time. This is the most emotionally devastating thing I've ever been through in my life! Hello??!" There is solid evidence that *MY* efforts are the reason why we just landed this big account, not to mention all my efforts over the last 6 years that have built this company to be what it is today. So if I happen to be having a hard time lately & need to take some time off, I am WAY overdue. No doubt. He can sit there and try to make me look incompetent but whatever, I still own 1/2. And I *am* doing my job.

 

Next week is attorney time. No more trusting him. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now my boxing gloves must be permanently strapped on....even if he is sweetie pie to me....strap on my wall of Teflon armour....nothing can get through. Not around him anyway.

 

The more I see, the more I realize he is a user. And he has ulterior motives....but I am stronger than he is, always was & I will not give up.

 

**Edited to add: Oops forgot to answer your last question. What do I want to be doing? Lying on a beach someplace with a bunch of money in my bank & a huge margarita in my hand, working on a killer tan....for a while anyway....then I want to find something I am passionate about doing and work again. And MAYBE, one day, I'll be able to trust someone again, fall in love, get married and have a family. I'll be sure he fits a LOOOONNNGGG list of criteria first though. One of which includes he's ok signing a prenup. Oh, and be sure he doesn't want to start a business with me. I definitely won't ever do that again.**

[Melovator]

Now my boxing gloves must be permanently strapped on....even if he is sweetie pie to me....strap on my wall of Teflon armour....nothing can get through. Not around him anyway.

The more I see, the more I realize he is a user. And he has ulterior motives....but I am stronger than he is, always was & I will not give up.

 

You go girl! Get what YOU want, what is going to make you happy to be yourself. You are strong Butterfly, and you keep getting stronger.

 

working on a killer tan

 

As someone living in the country with the highest skin cancer rate in the world... though apparently Chile's catching up... Anyway a tan is a killer! I had a lump removed from my leg when I was 23- benign thank goodness but now I always try to use sunscreen and wear a hat, I might be pale but no way do I want skin cancer... have to do something about my nicotine addiction...