TXButterfly Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Background: H and I married almost 8 yrs, together 11, own a business together, no kids, 32 yrs old. He started the conversations about a month ago to get separated. He has also had an infatuation with a girl who works for me. I believe strongly no A, but he did take her to dinner just the two of them one night almost 2 weeks ago. I ended that by ripping his head off & he's agreed to sign corporate agreement prohibiting any dating/fraternizing with our employees, or I won't work with him. He's kept his distance from my ee's since then. So we are "separated" for about 3-4 weeks now, still living in same house for now - at least for one more week. I was going to make him move out but I decided to move out, primarily b/c I've depended on him for so long, I wanted to go find my own place, do it myself. Also wanted fresh scenery and not so many reminders being at current home. My atty says this is ok as long as I follow a few simple rules, so I'm ok with it & not stressed over the house. Although I'm sure it hasn't hit me that I am moving in a WEEK. After all, I just signed a lease 3 days ago. Things are moving FAST. The split is going very amicably. STBXH is telling me he wants to slow down the process & not file yet. Being very helpful with getting me transitioned. I think he does genuinely care for me as a person & yet, I also think some of this "eager to help" attitude comes from guilt. Maybe even some not wanting me to create an ugly divorce experience. But I do think he cares. If anything, it does make it hard that he is so nice to me, caring etc. it just seems weird. He says he is doing this for both of us so we don't waste more time & can find the "right" people for each of us. He's doing this *because* he cares for me. This is what he says. I "knew" it when we got married (not right for each other). I've known it at other times in the marriage, even threatened to leave a bunch of times (when fighting). His turn for the breakup talk came out of nowhere. I realized today, I have been fighting this whole relationship for him to love me, for us to have that "in love" greatness. I don't even know if I really loved HIM, I just wanted him to love ME. I married someone whom I deeply cared about b/c I wanted to get married, and was scared to be on my own (still am!) I think I knew he wasn't *truly* in love with me...married him anyway...I mean, he seemed to love me, told me he did, but he wasn't affectionate. He had major intimacy problems...prob wasn't really capable of loving someone for real. That said, we were great friends & had a good time together, really cared for each other a lot. But hey, that doesn't make for a hot passionate marriage. I think I've known I deserve more but have always been scared to go for it. Commitment phobic?? Had intimacy issues myself, I guess. I think I have a low sex drive & it seemed he did too so I was content. Would have liked to have had more than a few times a YEAR but whatever. We worked a lot & we both used it as an excuse. SO. Now I have to face myself...I abandoned myself 11 yrs ago when I *knew* he wasn't the one & I stayed with him. I took a major life detour...but I learned to love him, wanted to invest in the marriage...looked at it from a practical standpoint "no marriage is perfect" and settled I guess. I have to face myself knowing I gave him all my TIME, my energy, my love, my body to someone who really didn't even know who he was, much less who I am. He was so out of it. And I married him!! I spent all this time "teaching" him & now he wants to go share that knowledge with someone else. I feel used...by him...and by myself. Now I'm comfortable with our life & it's being ripped away. I also admit to being someone who has just always wanted to be married. The social status is a major loss to me - considering the name change makes me feel demoted...I like my married name & people know me professionally by it. Would not be a huge deal to change but still. I like it. So, I guess the married life grew on me & in some ways I had it pretty good...now he is moving on & I am getting left in the cold. I feel embarrassed to be getting a divorce. I do miss a lot of things about our life, and about him. He's changed a lot already, lost weight etc. and looks better so that hurts...he looks cute again & that really hurts me b/c now I can't kiss him, hug him, anything. Sorry for the long and rambling mess that this post has become... I have a lot of questions & I just need to get them out of my head: - How to do NC if we work together? - Is it a bad idea to keep my married name? - How long to do NC? He wants to be seperated for a month or two then make our 'decision'...even tho it sounds as if his mind is made up. - How long does getting over this REALLY take?? - How long should I wait to start dating? I have NO interest at all right now and not for months I am sure, just wondering. I *would* like to fall in love and have a family someday - Can you really be friends with someone who divorced you??? I just don't know what is possible for us. Especially since I invested so much & feel like I got hardly anything from it...not the things I wanted - kids, forever love. - I hate that he is reconnecting with old friends, has gone on a major diet and lost 30 lbs, new wardrobe, on rogaine now, getting his teeth whitened...becoming a new person without me, no more "us" behavior but "him". I feel so jealous I can hardly stand it!! He IS compulsive about things so it makes sense for him to do a 180 like this but it hurts a lot too. I'm not even out of the house & he's already someone new. Oh yeah!!! He has also started going by a new name, his middle name!!! - Should I file the D paperwork? I'm afraid to wait on him to file, and then feel rejected when he does...but if there were even a teeny shred of hope then I'd ruin it. But I also don't feel like I deserve to have to be hanging onto little shreds like that. That makes me feel unloved, unappreciated, etc. - He says he thinks I am too good for him, he didn't deserve me, he says I was the better spouse (I put up with a lot of controlling, mean comments, little to no affection). That only makes me feel crappier about the TIME I've given up. Reinforces that I am coming out on the losing end. - What do single people do about going on vacation??? I've never traveled alone but I know I will want to vacation sometime soon. - How to divorce as friends? Or is that something to avoid since it could make my recovery slower? Thanks in advance for your input.
Melovator Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 getting your won place- fantastic! A change of scene is an excellent idea. Not sure if my answers to your questions will be much help... but I'll try. - How to do NC if we work together? Only talk about work- nothing personal- doesn't matter if he asks you how you are- its none of his concern. Don't be drawn into personal conversation, say goodbye or nothing. - Is it a bad idea to keep my married name? I'm the wrong grrl for this question, because mine never married me and I always intended to keep my surname- its a sucky one but I've earned it and its who I am. So how would having your married name make you feel? Would it always remind you of him? Can you emotionally handle that? My feeling would be to dump the married name- you said: I also admit to being someone who has just always wanted to be married. The social status is a major loss to me - considering the name change makes me feel demoted...I like my married name & people know me professionally by it. Would not be a huge deal to change but still. I like it Just wanted to be married?!? Social status from being married?!? WTF?!? Why do you sell yourself that lie? Who cares what other people think about you? If people give you credit just because you're married then they are living in a world that does not exist. How many people get divorced? Any social status you enjoy should be because of who you are, not who you're sleeping with. So don't think of it as demotion, think of it as going up a rank to a better you. Can you really like a name that much? if you don't like your unmarried name then pick yourself a completely new one and change it to that. - How long to do NC? He wants to be seperated for a month or two then make our 'decision'...even tho it sounds as if his mind is made up. NO clue- there are others here better placed to answer- but what do you want? No contact would be good in giving you time to think about that first. - How long does getting over this REALLY take?? Again there are others with much wisdom than I, not too long I hope, but I'm pretty sure you've gotta work on it, ie work on yourself, be all that you want to be and if you don't know what that is then take the time to figure that out. Be kind to yourself. - How long should I wait to start dating? I have NO interest at all right now and not for months I am sure, just wondering. I *would* like to fall in love and have a family someday Anyone? Anyone? I'm kind of thinking it would be a matter of when you feel ready and you want to, rather than a months, days thing. - Can you really be friends with someone who divorced you??? I just don't know what is possible for us. Especially since I invested so much & feel like I got hardly anything from it...not the things I wanted - kids, forever love. Why be friends with him then? Are you really that interested in his new life- do you really want him in yours, You ahve a business relationship and that can be 'friendly' but it doesn't mean you ahve to be friends. - I hate that he is reconnecting with old friends, has gone on a major diet and lost 30 lbs, new wardrobe, on rogaine now, getting his teeth whitened...becoming a new person without me, no more "us" behavior but "him". I feel so jealous I can hardly stand it!! He IS compulsive about things so it makes sense for him to do a 180 like this but it hurts a lot too. I'm not even out of the house & he's already someone new. Oh yeah!!! He has also started going by a new name, his middle name!!! Let the old him go- this new one isn't the man you married. You need to focus on 'you' behaviour. You said you 'settled' for this man, you don't need to settle anymore. Don't think about him- examining his curent behaviour through the prism of your past is going to mess with your head. - Should I file the D paperwork? I'm afraid to wait on him to file, and then feel rejected when he does...but if there were even a teeny shred of hope then I'd ruin it. But I also don't feel like I deserve to have to be hanging onto little shreds like that. That makes me feel unloved, unappreciated, etc. Talk to your lawyer, get rid of the shred of hope because it is making you feel bad, visualise your new future. What do you want? Not to feel this way- what can you do for yourself to make that happen? - He says he thinks I am too good for him, he didn't deserve me, he says I was the better spouse (I put up with a lot of controlling, mean comments, little to no affection). That only makes me feel crappier about the TIME I've given up. Reinforces that I am coming out on the losing end. When he says that its self-serving crap from someone who doesn't want to think he's an a-hole, and doesn't want others thinking he's an a-hole. I would bet you this is not what he's thinking because if that were true he would be doing everything to be a better spouse for you. He's not. What do his actions say? Ignore the words. Its sucks you came out on the losing end, but your time is your own now so use it to your advantage. Do what you can to amke sure this doesn't happen to you again- set your own boundaries. - What do single people do about going on vacation??? I've never traveled alone but I know I will want to vacation sometime soon. I just thought of the place I wanted to go and the company I wanted to be with and called the person who best fitted my description and we arranged it. A single friend of mine went to Fiji recently and enjoyed the local male attention a lot if that's what you are looking for. Where have you always wanted to go- what sights have you always wanted to see- what do you want from a holiday? To relax, enjoy the sights, soak up culture, shop?? Thinka bout what youw ant in a holiday and then find the best place to get it. - How to divorce as friends? Or is that something to avoid since it could make my recovery slower? I'm not a shrink- Personally I think it will make your recovery faster, emotionally disconnect, unplug his bulb from the light socket of your heart. You'll just keep getting reminded of your old relationship with him. Keep it all about the business, friendly but business. I think you're doing better than you're giving yourself credit for- you are taking control- don't give it up now. Keep moving ahead. You're the one in charge of your life- no one else. What do you want to do with it?
azianpride143 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Didnt you have an old thread before? You should post your questions there to allow folks to see the history of posts/advice given to you. Just my .02 cents.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 sorry, yes, I didn't know to post on the old thread thanks for the advice, I will re-read it again tomorrow when I have had more sleep. I am also having a really hard time with trusting him & being jealous. I'm not normally a super jealous person, never felt the need to check up on him, etc. but with the recent "dinner" with my employee, I felt the trust crash down around me. I hate that I don't trust him but the fact is, I don't. I keep feeling like he's up to something. Not sure what to do about it. He says he does not have an attorney. He got the name of someone & apparently called them, but told me he didn't like the guy & so we are just both working with my attorney now. But when I've asked him the guy's name, he "didn't remember". There are other things like that which add up to make me very uncomfortable, but I realize I could also be going totally paranoid now with all the emotions I am feeling. Today, the girl who works for me casually mentioned he called her on the phone from outside the office. She was making a point about something else, but it came up. He had agreed not to have any private conversations with her - that I would always be present. I also admitted to him that I snooped his work email & read the flirtatious emails going between them (she has a BF & I believe she's clueless to his attraction), also between him & another ee of mine. So now he is using the phone I guess? Even if I can't continue to check his email (and I won't), I still have the right to view her emails or any of my employees, so he knows he could get caught that way now. I guess it could have been a fast call - need you to do this for me - but why would he need to call her from outside the office on his cell phone?? It could not wait until he returned to the office so it was a public conversation? I am so freaking paranoid / suspicious it is driving me crazy. I'm NEVER like this, usually just mind my own business. I'm scared to dig more and see what I find out. If he is MAJORLY lying to me, I know I cannot work with him & that means I could lose my job/career on top of everything else...and he swears he has never cheated...I just don't know if I can handle losing so much at once. I'm scared there is more to this story than what I've seen.
Melovator Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 You could be paranoid, you could be right- does it matter? I know I'm sounding harsh again (you should hear the things I tell myself) the marriage you thought you knew you didn't. And is any further information going to make it any less confusing or painful? Its not about him anymore and what you did or didn't do for him or what could or couldn't have been. It about you and what you do for yourself and what can be for you. You say you're worried about losing your job/career- I understand that its easy to lose a job but a career? If you feel that emotionally its too much to work with him- how can you extricate yourself? You probably have an awesome array of skills that you put to use in your own endevours, into something you're really passionate about, something that's your own. Or if that's too much- where else would you like to work? What would your ather be doing with your time. Because work consumes most of our waking hours, we spend more time at work than with our friends and loved ones, so you better be doing something that makes you happy. If you think you need further qualifications, could you ride out working for him if you knew there was a time limit? Say it to yourself: I am in control of myself and my life. There, it feel good? Sometimes I have to chant it underneath my breath ten times before it starts to work. Make the most of this horrible awful time to give yourself time to think about what you really really really want to be doing with your life. How you would want your life to be if you crossed a road and a bus came along and cleaned you up. Sounds weird but it works for me.
quiet1one1 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 TXB, This business is a MAJOR hurdle. Is there any way to separate you (or him) from it? Based on all your posts I just don't see how you're ever going to get through this with all this contact.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Hi all. I don't think there is a way to get myself out of the business right now. I see myself there for a minimum of 6 mos. I have to have something from my 'old' life right now, I think that would be too much change all at once for me. This has all happened so fast...I need something stable to hang onto for the time being. I do see my time there as temporary...6-12 months then that's probably it for me. We will prob be moving the company to a new building in a couple of months. I think this would help b/c my department and his would be on different floors. So I don't think we'd run into each other much at all. Maybe just talk briefly (like 10 mins) a couple times a day and that is pretty much it. We run into each other a lot right now. Today I am hating him & that feels better than missing him, for sure. On one hand, I am sad to move from my home, I've lived here 2 years and worked my a&& off to be able to afford this house. But now? I also can't wait to get the heck outta here & get to a place that doesn't have him attached to it. I have a hard enough time seeing him at work, but at home I think it's even harder. Not that moving and living alone is going to be easy, I'm sure it won't. But at the very, very least, it will be mine and mine alone. I think my biggest concerns right now are: I won't be able to take care of myself (he did everything so I feel totally clueless about being a self-sufficient adult), I'll fall into such a deep depression I won't be able to work or function, I won't ever meet anyone who really and truly loves me, I won't get married again or ever have kids. So just a few worries...nothing major... Thanks for listening to my vent.
azianpride143 Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 You are getting a dose of reality. The fear of losing him. The competition for attention from your husband added on top. The hard part is because he's moved on emotionally and your left behind with pain, fear, anger, and resentment. You begin to realize how much this person means to you. How much love you have for him. Because your heart is having a hard time catching up to your mind. The flood of emotions too much for it to process. You'll feel inadequate and insecure. I remember you mentioning that you have tried one last shot to see if you can work the marriage out. You have done what you can. You have to pick your battles. This one is a "draw". Just pick yourself up. Start with IC. Consult your lawyer. I know it's hard to do this being in the state you are in. You have to protect yourself. Do not allow him to think he's got you by the "cahones". You also need to get him out of your house or move out. Seeing the changes in him does not help at all. Grieving alone is so much healthier. Armed with the information. Decide for once what course of action you want to take. He has decided to move on. With regards to your business. You just have to put up with it for a little while. Put on your game face and leave the emotions at home. Do not discuss personal matters and just leave it professional. Limit your contact with him. Take care of yourself. Get a massage, new hairdo, a manicure, some pampering, shop for some new clothes. You deserve it. Spend some of that hard earned money on yourself for once. After the separation, I began to work out (2x), eat right, started a hobby, and kept myself busy. As soon as I started feeling depressed, I hit the gym, channeled it all back into myself. I am now in the best shape of my life. Instead of retreating in my bedroom and sulking all day. I am out and about. I didn't drink alcohol for a couple of months. So I can feel the myriad of emotions. I did not want to run away from the problem but face it head on. It allowed me to move on quickly. I'm not saying I'm fully healed. But it's not as bad as it was in the beginning. You are still fortunate. You don't have kids and he didn't have an affair. He doesn't know what he's giving up. A lot of men/women don't and simply give up on theirs. My ex wants to go back so bad. She's realizing she may have made a mistake. But it's too late. The damage has been done. She destroyed everything we have worked so hard to build up all these years. I do not want to ever go through this again. I gave this person 14 years of my life. If they are willing to walk away from it once. They will do it again. Everyone deserves to be happy. I know I am on my way. In the end you will see and begin to understand what got you to this point in the first place. Who was weak and who was strong. You cannot control him, vice versa. You just have to decide what's best for you. It's your life. Good luck and keep posting here in LS. I find it to be good therapy. I find that helping others and getting myself some advice truly does amazing things.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 Thanks Azianpride. I think that is all very good advice. I will keep it in mind...I could see myself being at the same place you're at, where even if he DID want to come back, that I would have just gone through too much by then. I think I already have, really. I really don't know how to handle the situation when he is trying to be helpful, kind, complimentary to me. I think he does care about me & is concerned about me. I also think he wants to not think of himself as a bad person. So I think a good portion of it is selfish on his part. Which only makes me hate him more. Oh well, thx for listening.
Melovator Posted June 23, 2007 Posted June 23, 2007 I really don't know how to handle the situation when he is trying to be helpful, kind, complimentary to me. I think he does care about me & is concerned about me. I also think he wants to not think of himself as a bad person. So I think a good portion of it is selfish on his part. Which only makes me hate him more. He is selfish but don't hate him- it just means your still emotionally invested in him- I don't who said it here on LS I'm not trying to rip anyone off just can't remember right now- but indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. Maybe you gotta fake it till you make it. Act indifferent and eventually you'll feel indifferent. Don't think about him- he's not worth you're precious time- we are not here for long- think about what you want to spend your time thinking about- and tell those intrusive thoughts of him to bugger off when they occur! Go on the holiday you mentioned before, even if you can't get a decent break can you even get a couple of days to yourself? TAke care.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 I think I'm afraid to feel indifferent b/c I still (foolishly?) think there is a 1% chance we might get back together...and I don't want him to think I don't still want a life with him (under very different circumstances than before). No paperwork has been filed yet. He seems to still care about me. I know...that doesn't mean he loves me, wants to live his life with me, wants to have kids with me, etc. I'm moving out next weekend & I know that is going to be SO hard. Shocking. I'm still in shock. Yesterday, I went to a musical with his family (they are all being so wonderful to me). H and I had season tickets. I asked him if he wanted to go & he said no...we should spend time apart (which I knew but couldn't help asking)...so I went alone, but with them. "Our" seats were in a different spot than theirs, so I sat next to an empty seat & that was really hard. I felt empty myself. I'm someone who has always really valued "alone time" but now it isn't seeming all that great. But I pat myself on the back for sitting there with his empty seat next to me...I got dressed up & went out & had a nice time in spite of it all. But I am seeing that each day feels like 1,000 years worth of time...it just drags. I feel like I am dying on the inside. The vacation...I will have to think on that one. I would hate to go someplace awesome & just be depressed the whole time. Seems like an awful waste of $. I think I'm not ready for that yet. So I will prob just take some time off, get massage, lay by the pool at my new place & work on my tan, read, etc....that's about all I think I may be up to right now. Oh well, thx for listening.
mammax3 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 You must have felt very brave going with that empty seat beside you! It can be difficult to go to public events by yourself, even more difficult on the heals of a separation. Good for you! I know what you mean about the slimmest chance of getting together. I don't think that feeling goes away until it goes away... I mean time takes care of that. You won't be able to 'choose' to feel indifferent - at least not to your real self... He can think you are, though! It'd be good if he thought you were! I don't always have something to add, just that I'm reading and following your threads. So I'm here even if I'm not always posting!
Author TXButterfly Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Hi mammax3, I did not exactly "feel brave" but I did it anyway...I survived it, I didn't die sitting by myself! Thanks for the pat on the back! And for being here to read my posts! My self-esteem has been so smashed by this, by him...into a million little pieces...that I think I am trying to do something every couple of days that frightens me, or that I don't want to do, just to have some sense of accomplishment. And I'm making a list of them as I go along. Like that I "got through" some difficult event, or I took a step on my own (like signing my own lease without his help). I want a record of all the things I did, something to feel good about so I don't feel like an unlovable slug on the ground. Since I've never really been on my own before, that is adding a LOT of stress and fear for me through all of this emotional turmoil & heartbreak. But I do see the opportunity in this (at least this minute I do ) - once I get through doing a lot of these things I've never done, I'll know how to do them & feel that accomplishment. Then next time I do them it should be easier, right? Baby steps. For some reason, mornings are really terrible for me. I don't know why. I wake up in the morning feeling SO depressed, scared, overwhelmed by all the feelings...like they are a giant tidal wave coming my way, going to crush me. The feelings are so overwhelming in the morning. I have trouble getting out of bed. Once I get up and get moving it feels better but my GAWD. I've never felt ANYthing like this before. It frightens me. ok i will stop now, i could write forever
Author TXButterfly Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 also wanted to thank you melovator for your post - i have been thinking on it the last day & the indifference vs hate thing...stopping myself from emotionally investing...that all makes sense, thx for the input.
dgiirl Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Hi mammax3, I did not exactly "feel brave" but I did it anyway...I survived it, I didn't die sitting by myself! Thanks for the pat on the back! And for being here to read my posts! My self-esteem has been so smashed by this, by him...into a million little pieces...that I think I am trying to do something every couple of days that frightens me, or that I don't want to do, just to have some sense of accomplishment. And I'm making a list of them as I go along. Like that I "got through" some difficult event, or I took a step on my own (like signing my own lease without his help). I want a record of all the things I did, something to feel good about so I don't feel like an unlovable slug on the ground. Since I've never really been on my own before, that is adding a LOT of stress and fear for me through all of this emotional turmoil & heartbreak. But I do see the opportunity in this (at least this minute I do ) - once I get through doing a lot of these things I've never done, I'll know how to do them & feel that accomplishment. Then next time I do them it should be easier, right? Baby steps. For some reason, mornings are really terrible for me. I don't know why. I wake up in the morning feeling SO depressed, scared, overwhelmed by all the feelings...like they are a giant tidal wave coming my way, going to crush me. The feelings are so overwhelming in the morning. I have trouble getting out of bed. Once I get up and get moving it feels better but my GAWD. I've never felt ANYthing like this before. It frightens me. ok i will stop now, i could write forever TXB, I can relate in so many things you wrote. But I'm glad to see you are challenging your comfort zone and doing those things that push your limits. That is exactly how I recovered from this. And I think it's a great idea that you are writing these things down! As you build up more and more events, you WILL be proud of yourself. For me, I photographed my events, and now, 2.5 years later, I barely can recall the pain, and am just very proud of myself and how much I have learned. Like you, I never lived on my own before. I also never knew how to cook, nor pay any bills, and had developed some social anxiety about asking strangers for help. I was completely alone, far away from my support system. So I was very stressed out, and at times, I seriously thought the sky was going to fall. Mornings for me were horrible, and I think it's because of my dreams. I use to have these haunting dreams where I was asleep and I wake up from dreaming thankful to learn that the divorce was only a nightmare. Then a few moments later, I REALLY wake up, and find out that dream was only a dream and the divorce was really true. It was horrible. And I have a feeling my subconscious was replaying these dreams every night, even if I couldnt recall it. That is why I woke up with such morning dread. But I kept moving on. Every little step counts! They say it takes the average person 2 years before they recover from a divorce. Most of my friends say it's about 4 years. I'm glad to confirm that at 2.5 years, I rarely dream or cry or think about my past. I'm _very_ far removed from that pain, but it does hit me once in a while out of nowhere. Thankfully, it doesnt last very long, usually only a minute or two, where as back then, I cried litterally 24-7 for the first 6 months. Be patient with yourself. You have a very level head and you remind me of me And if you are like me, you know yourself very well, and you'll know how to get through this. I knew when I was crying too much and to get off the floor. I also knew that crying was ok too. You need to get these emotions out of your system. It's healthy to do so. But you also dont want to get stuck in these emotions and become bitter. You have an exciting life ahead of you. Keep focusing on the positives and the good will come!
Author TXButterfly Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 I am the SAME. Have NO idea how to cook, unless it's a microwaveable item! I paid bills when I was in college but that was with my parents' money and that was 11 years ago, before I met STBXH. So I'm totally clueless. Although STBXH has offered to help me however he can...so I let him help me set up the moving company but now I kinda wish I did it b/c then I could write it down on my list, LOL. And I, too, have trouble asking for help. But when you KNOW you've hit rock bottom - asking gets a lot easier. I just feel like I have so much to learn, it is scary. And don't even get me started with dating or finding someone new. I am nowhere near ready right now (of course) but I'm naturally pretty introverted so I cannot imagine being all flirty and trying to catch a new man. Also b/c STBXH is leaving to find someone with more "chemistry" and more active sex life, that makes me feel like a prude...and unsexy/ugly. I have to keep reminding myself that I *wanted* more but we both were waiting on the other one to make the first move. I just want to feel sexy again...someday. I'm in my 30's and that's supp to be my prime, right?? I'm also worried I will get too lonely & jump someone's bones too soon, lol. Will have to tie myself to a tree if I get like that, I guess! I don't have any idea of the rules of dating now...been off the market 11 yrs. Have no idea what is acceptable anymore. Oh I hope it doesn't take 4 years for me to come out of this!!! I've heard 1 year from a family member of mine that is divorced (wife left him, they had a daughter whom he raised). But I think b/c I am working with STBXH still, I bet it will take me longer than 1 year. Who knows. I can't imagine it really does take 4 years...that seems like forever!!! Ugh. So the "morning dread" is normal - it really does feel like dread...so heavy I can hardly breathe or move. I'm glad to hear this gets easier. Thanks
Melovator Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I did not exactly "feel brave" but I did it anyway...I survived it, I didn't die sitting by myself! Nope you didn't, well done. Not many people who aren't going through what you are could have or would have done it. My self-esteem has been so smashed by this, by him...into a million little pieces...that I think I am trying to do something every couple of days that frightens me, or that I don't want to do, just to have some sense of accomplishment. And I'm making a list of them as I go along. Like that I "got through" some difficult event, or I took a step on my own (like signing my own lease without his help). I want a record of all the things I did, something to feel good about so I don't feel like an unlovable slug on the ground. He smashed it but you get to/ have to fix it. The good thing about the fixing is you get to put it back however you want to, discarding what you have no use for anymore. You should be giving yourself credit for each little thing you do and be kind to yourself, you've had a hard time. So no more unlovable slug talk please! Its just a self fulfilling prophecy; if you think you're unworthy of love you will become unworthy of love. You gotta love yourself first before anyone else can really love you, otherwise all they're doing is wallpapering over the holes in your psyche. Which is not fair to them or you. Plus the wind will still get through.. Since I've never really been on my own before, that is adding a LOT of stress and fear for me through all of this emotional turmoil & heartbreak. But I do see the opportunity in this (at least this minute I do ) - once I get through doing a lot of these things I've never done, I'll know how to do them & feel that accomplishment. Then next time I do them it should be easier, right? Baby steps. It is scary and freaky and oh my god! I'm doing this alone...? But I've never done this... how do I?? You just do it and if you make a mistake... then you'll know for next time. We don't learn when we do everything right, correcting a mistake is when you figure out what you're really supposed to be doing. So yes, teeny, tiny, wobbly, fall on your bum and then get back up baby steps. For some reason, mornings are really terrible for me. I don't know why. I wake up in the morning feeling SO depressed, scared, overwhelmed by all the feelings...like they are a giant tidal wave coming my way, going to crush me. The feelings are so overwhelming in the morning. I have trouble getting out of bed. Once I get up and get moving it feels better but my GAWD. I've never felt ANYthing like this before. It frightens me. I know this feeling, when you have to reassemble yourself all over again, like all the hard work you put into yourself yesterday has vanished into the ether and you just don't want to have to get through another day of putting yourself back together. Get up straight away, have a shower, get a coffee, what ever you do first thing because it is better when you're moving. It does get better, the waves stop being so large and scary, eventually they'll just be sea foam washing up on your mental shore. It's your life now, live it how you want, be the person you want to see when you look in your mental mirror.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 thanks melovator, you rawk:love: i like the mental picture of the waves getting smaller...and i'll quit thinking of myself as a slug. edited to add: i love your avatar! i have a vintage lady magnet that says "she could no longer pretend he wasn't an idiot" and it always makes me
Melovator Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 thanks melovator, you rawk:love: i like the mental picture of the waves getting smaller...and i'll quit thinking of myself as a slug. edited to add: i love your avatar! i have a vintage lady magnet that says "she could no longer pretend he wasn't an idiot" and it always makes me Thanks x 2! I found her while doing something for work. My sister has this great mug with a smiling woman holding out a cup of coffee and saying 'How about a nice big cup of shut the F**k up?' I always use that mug at her place.
Author TXButterfly Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Mel, I love it, wish I could find me a cup of that when STBXH starts rattling on about how many times he worked out today, how far he ran, how much weight he has lost blah blah blah. SO.....I am starting to feel REALLY paranoid now. When I start adding up all the weird behaviors, I must admit it doesn't add up. I have a sneaking feeling there is more to this than he is letting on. He is just being SOO nice to me. If he wants away from me so much then why be so nice?? •This has come pretty much out of nowhere. The only coincidences I see to his major changes are that the two girls he has a crush on (that both work for me) - one of them announced her divorce shortly before his weird behavior. The second one started working at our company also around the same time. Before that, I truly had no idea he was so unhappy. He says he has been feeling it a long time but of course he said nothing to me. • Since girl in office started, he listens to same kind of music she does, eats new foods that she likes, is working out for like 3+ hours a day, new clothes, etc. • Major changes in behavior, appearance, even is going by his middle name now - he never liked his first name but why change it NOW?? • SAYS he doesn't have an atty but can't seem to remember the guy's name he spoke with (and supposedly did not like) so he has gone with me to my appointments so we can draft up something together...he says he wants it to be so cordial that we don't even need attys. •Is offering to help me with so many things...says he loves me and cares about me...wants me to be ok (then WHY dump me, hellooo?). He says he is keeping me as his primary beneficiary on his Life Insurance policy even after we divorce (and it is a lot of $). Has offered to continue to pay me a salary from the business (same as his) even if I don't lift a finger!!! All of this just seems to be too much & it raises a red flag...why is he being SOOO nice, SOOO accommodating? It seems "off". I mean, he always did take great care of me so it isn't weird that way, but it just feels wrong. He's bending over backwards & so I have to wonder why. • After our first (and only) appt with "my" attorney, he started wanting to slow down the process, just be separated physically & not even separate our finances just yet. My sister pointed out perhaps he is gathering his weapons, or siphoning money away & if he slows things down then he can just be in that much better of a spot when he DOES decide he wants to file. It seems like the decision will prob come within a month based on what he has said about how long we should "just spend time apart". Though he encouraged me to sign a year long lease at my new place, rather than a shorter term. What should I do to protect myself? I feel the process has halted & that feels weird, funny, unsafe. Being in the middle - not together but not apart either - makes me feel unsure of what is going on...and scared of what he is really doing behind the curtain. I thought I believed everything he'd said, but what if he is lying??? Should I "hope for the best, prepare for the worst"? My sis says she knows another lady who lost tons of $ b/c her XH was siphoning it away while being a sweetie pie to her face. And my STBXH is a "great talker" as even our counselor has said to ME privately. How might I find out if he is socking money away? He has handled all our finances for years. How might I find out if he has been cheating on me? I thought all along he hasn't been, I mean, we've spent practically every minute together for the last 6 years...until the last 6 weeks since all of this has gone on. I hate to think I need to do this (snoop on him) but I am concerned I am being too trusting & with his strange behavior, and super nice behavior, well, it makes me very uneasy. NO, I would not rather have him be an a&& to me, but still - I don't know which end is up right now. Thanks in advance.
mammax3 Posted June 26, 2007 Posted June 26, 2007 Wow. I wish I had some actual advice for you. I think it's terrific that you're listening to your internal alarms and are trying to figure out what's going on with him. You've known him for a long time, and although this is a strange situation ("strange" meaning new and unprecidented - the separation) you would be aware when something is amiss. I'd do whatever is needed to ensure that you're not being taken for a ride. Easy to say for me, but it's hard when you're actually in the position, I know. This is the man you've trusted for years and years and now he's showing somehow that he's not to be trusted. It's weird and scary that this man who you've loved and cared for, trusted and respected is now unworthy of trust or respect - until he shows otherwise. It is super strange. If you need to snoop around to find out any hidden bank stuff, I say do it. There's a law of disclosure (something like that...?) that says both partners MUST show all accounts and money, but I've known situations where partners have hid money or stashed it around. I say beware if you think something is odd.
Author TXButterfly Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 OK, so I moved out yesterday. Today was my first day in my new "home". I woke up wondering where I was for about 2 seconds, then my stomach dropped when I remembered "oh, yeah, I'm *here*". Truth is, it's a cute place & I like it, could see myself decorating, etc and being happy with it. But I'll be alone & that is just SAD and LONELY and DEVASTATING. He and I have been together 11 years...we work together and have spent every moment together (almost) for the last 6 years we've owned our business. Now I am all alone in this strange new place. It's quite a shock. The move yesterday was pretty non-eventful. STBXH helped me the first part of the day (with the actual movers, etc.) helped clean up the new place b/c it hadn't been cleaned properly when I arrived. He drove back to the house and got more stuff while my sister helped me unpack and get situated, so I spent the latter half of the day with her. He and I had a few sad moments & some conversation, but for the most part it was pretty emotionally smooth, just busy getting moved. He called me at night to check on me and see how I was doing. I called back and said I was ok. The truth is, I *was* ok. I also think I am in major denial and not feeling anything. It still feels surreal...like time is frozen or I'm in a dream. I don't know how to feel about him, what to think. I think he gives some mixed messages, he disagrees. I also know how unhappy I have been in the relationship too (well, I'm trying to remember). So why am I so darned sad, depressed, angry, blah blah blah??? I guess it's the timing. I hadn't been thinking about it, was at peace (more so than happy) and he ripped out the rug so I was caught off guard. He also never talks of his feelings or the relationship EVER so it REALLY caught me out of nowhere. He also confessed infatuations for 2 girls who work for me, so that was a huge slap in the face. I told him it would have been a different experience if he'd kept the disappointment between the two of us - just about our own relationship - instead he brought 2 "cute girls" as he calls them into the mix & that made me feel like crap about the way I look, how sexy I am or am not, etc. and also has made me really question how much can I trust him. Now, I am alone in my new place. It is SO, SO quiet. He has our dog for now, but I'm looking forward to having the dog with me soon (while house is on the market for a few months probably). At least someone will be happy to see me when I get "home" and I won't walk into an empty apartment. I also think when I get my TV set up at least I can watch TV, now I am just reading a lot & it is so quiet. Any suggestions how to cope with living in a new place?? It just feels so weird and so lonely. I am naturally a shy person so I'm really worried about how to make friends (we spent all our time together so NO social life outside the marriage). I feel like I cannot trust anyone, I am so paranoid after getting hurt like this. I can't imagine ever feeling safe enough to date someone else, he has just crushed my self-esteem... Thanks for listening, you guys are great.
Author TXButterfly Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 I have snooped his emails a few times since all of this came up. He SWORE to me he has only peeked at the dating sites, hasn't put a profile up on any of them yet. I snooped again tonight & I find out that the DAY I AM PACKING TO MOVE OUT, he registers for a site and posts a profile, he claims he is DIVORCED. No paperwork has even been filed yet!!!!!! I wasn't even moved out of the house yet. He even helped me and my sister pack that evening & was super duper sweet......I can't believe he is such a jerk (and a liar). And we own a business together. I know now I am going to seriously have to go behind his back and get my ducks in a row (legal and business). I hate him right now. It makes me sad that I hate him. We could have actually had a peaceful divorce, I think, if the idiot didn't keep lying to me. Now I know I cannot work with him & trust him anymore. No way. Looks like I am on the warpath now. Can't say anything of course, let the chess match begin. I just can't believe he'd be so stupid as to use his corporate email address that he KNOWS I have snooped once before (I swore I'd not do it again, intended to keep the promise but could not help myself....now I'm glad I didn't!). What an a&&. I knew he could be a real jerk, but I never EVER thought he was a liar. :mad::mad::mad: Our money is still in a joint account. I've been checking the bank and the credit card accounts recent activity and it *appears* innocent. Just bills and food mostly. But I will keep watching it. I'm going to have another rendezvous with my attorney now, in private (he went to the first meeting with me)...I am going to have to get away from him completely, I see this....it is breaking my heart b/c I thought we could divorce as friends, and I told him "that's up to you and how you treat me" but I cannot be friends with a liar. His profile was ridiculous. It said something like he is looking for someone who "loves her family and has great friends". This is hilarious since I am crazy about my family but he wasn't so he'd never let me spend time with them (very controlling) and he has NO friends so of course he needs to use hers. He states he is "CEO of a company" which he is, but of course he leaves out that he co-owns that business with his STBXW!!!!!!! What woman will want to be part of that? Oh yeah, he's already divorced so maybe she won't care.
dgiirl Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 I'm glad to see you are getting some fight in you, but I'm sad to see you were hurt because of your ex's actions. Unfortunately, you will continue to be hurt by him until you fully accept what is going on. (And it's natural for you to take some time before you can fully accept that). Your husband wants a divorce and is acting accordingly. Now that he's told you he wants out, in his mind, he's a free man, free to do whatever he chooses. In his mind, the marriage is over, and the divorce is only a technicality. All these "promises" he tells you is simply to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting you. What you need to do is STOP snooping on your ex. He has already told you he wants out of the marriage, and that alone should be enough for you. Whether he wants to date these two girls at work, or he wants to live the bachelor life, or he turns out gay, as harsh as this will sound, it makes no difference what he's going to do with his life, he is simply leaving you, and that alone should piss you off enough to get the fight in you to end this relationship. You need to start working on that self esteem of yours! I know mine was shot to hell even before the divorce word was uttered. And on top of that, my ex kicked more dirt into my face when he left and criticized the way I looked. So it was a hard climb to make, but I made it. I started with some retail therapy!! At first, very simple things, that didnt cost that much money. I never wore nail polish before, and I started doing this daily. Just my shiny nails made me feel pretty. Since I was alone, to kill the silence, I use to listen to girly music, light some candles, and take bubble baths. I use to take a good look at myself in the mirror and focus on the one attribute I REALLY love about myself (my eyes), and focus on how pretty they were and allowed myself to FEEL pretty. I started listening to my internal voice, and pushed out all the negative comments I said to myself. I noticed that the things I said to myself were things I'd NEVER ever repeat to my worst enemy, and yet, I thought it was ok to say to myself. I stopped that, and replaced them with positive, ego boosting, compliments. When others gave me compliments, I started thanking them, instead of being "humble" and denying them. I found this made the situation less awkward, and I also allowed myself to accept and believe those compliments. When someone gives a compliment, the last thing they want to hear is someone denying them. So in a way, I'm doing my good deed by allowing others to do their good deeds by giving me compliments. I went shopping for clothes, but not necessarily to buy them. I just wasted time by trying on new clothes and experimenting. I use to be afraid to try on different styles because I knew right away they were not my "style". But I never really knew what they looked on me. So I played more, and tried on different clothes, even if I KNEW I wouldnt buy it. I just wanted to see what they looked on me. Interestingly enough, I started to find more styles that suited me and I started dressing more girly, which made me feel pretty. As for your apartment, read my <a href="http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91168/">last thread</a>. I started that a few weeks before I moved into my new apartment. What I STRONGLY recommend doing is think about ALL of the things you were never able to do because you were in a relationship with your ex, and then START doing them! I got such a great feeling from "rebelling" in this way, even over silly things, but it was one step to making my life BETTER than what it was married.
Author TXButterfly Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Thanks dgiirl - I had this long reply all typed out to you & it disappeared, I will have to retype it later. But your comments are truly appreciated. I told STBXH to change his password. I didn't want to be tempted anymore. He swears this profile was nothing. He had it hidden (not public) and said he was just curious what was out there, what he might say about himself, etc. That he wouldn't actually make it public until he is actually divorced. So anyway - the update today (on the next saga of Days Of Our F*cked Up Lives") is that a coworker came to me yesterday and told me that the girl who works for me (the one he's attracted to) said in a recent conversation about my STBXH "yeah, he's cute, handsome & has a great personality. i'm sure he won't have trouble finding another girl". WTF?!?!?!?!?!? This coworker of mine also said he appears to favor her with praise over the other people on our team (including me) and I've noticed this too. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I think it is time to "LET HER GO" on her merry way. He doesn't agree of course (I told him what she supposedly said). OF COURSE he doesn't think she should be let go - they're into each other, or at least attracted (she does have a boyfriend who just moved her for her). I canNOT work like this, I canNOT live like this. I hate him for putting me in this position. I feel like they want me OUTTA HERE & I am not leaving my business in their hands. What should I do?? Texas is an "at will" employment state, which means either party can leave or be fired for no specific reason. So basically I could just say "it isn't working out" and she'd be gone. This dynamic is killing me. I don't want to leave my business, I have already lost my marriage, my home, my life. And I've worked 6 years like a freakin' crazy person trying to build this company up & I will not be run out on a rail to let them party down after I leave and fall apart. Even if what she said COULD have been innocent (which I doubt) it's really bad for me - it is making my working here sooooo hard...and my healing cannot begin. She sits 3 feet away from me & I am her manager, so I'm responsible for training her, etc. & I just cannot do it. What should I do. This whole thing is so screwed up, I cannot believe the mess he has created for me. And maybe she IS in on it afterall. At the very least I think her comment shows favoritism to him & that is deeply offensive to me. She points out it would be easy for him to find someone else (*other than ME* her boss!!!!). I want to vomit. She also dresses provocatively - I am sure her big boobs are fake & she wears these low cut shirts to show them off. I also told him I think we need to start the process of selling this company. Even if it means less $ for us in the long run, at least we cut our losses, get away and get started "starting over". sigh i hate this so much
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