feeling very lost and upset - I'd desperately love some help

[questforpeace]

Hello,

 

I've been in limbo now for 1.5 yrs and I'm totally lost. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and dated 5 years prior to that. I love him very much and he is a very dear person to me. 2 yrs ago things started to change where I seemed to become a non entity to him romantically - he was not not cheating at all, but rather buried himself in his mystery books, computer games and online games which took up all of his evenings and much of the weekend. The sex/intimacy was very sporadic, though nothing else was wrong. As time went by I grew more and more upset, angry and hurt. I talked to him on numerous occasions - calmly, in tears, in anger - you name the approach, I tried it. He would always say sorry, he never meant it and he loved me with all his heart and would be different. Still the books and games/online games prevailed (again, no affair - none whatsoever - he even would ask me to join in the games as another player). Finally, I realized that I had the choice to either leave or stay. Being that I love my husband, and I know that he feels the same, aside from this whacky behavior, I decided to stay. If this was the way he was, I was not going to be one of those nagging wives - or try to change him. I could choose to either stay or leave.

 

As the months went by, I felt myself emotionally withdrawing. Meanwhile, he was still hot into his gaming - you name the online games, he played them (he'd turned into a sales professional during the day/gamer by night). I had been reading on the advice boards about gaming being one of the newer reason marriages were being destroyed, but I really began to stop caring. Meanwhile I met someone else. As I grew closer to this person over time, I told him my marriage was coming to an end and my husband and I were estranged, as I realized that I was very unhappy. We grew more closer, and in this person I found all that was lacking in my marriage (emotional/sexual intimacy, caring, a love that grew deeper and deeper as the months went by). I made the decision to leave my marriage and start a new life. I was careful to ponder and confirm the fact I was not leaving one person for another, but rather leaving because I was unhappy. Another relationship had helped me realize what I was missing that was important to me.

 

My husband then, suddenly, woke up. He just "snapped" out of it - he realized that I had changed. I was withdrawn from him, spent time going out to movies and taking the dogs out for walks without him, etc. He suddenly stopped playing the games, and reading the books and said he noticed I was becoming a totally different person. He tried to initiate intimacy, but by this point I was totally uninterested (and yes, perhaps a bit hurt and angry still). I realized that though I love him so very much, I'm not in love with him any more. He has now spent many, many months trying to make it up to me. He has been sweet, loving, attentive and has promised to spend the rest of his life making up for his prior year of behavior towards me.

 

I'm now torn, confused, and very heavily guilt ridden. I don't know what to do, and end up crying myself to sleep every night.

 

1. I feel terribly guilty I am having a 2nd relationship with someone who is very dear and sweet to me, someone I am considering spending the rest of my life with. I have now been seeing him for close to 16 months. Leaving my husband or leaving this new relationship will deeply hurt one of the two individuals. The guilt is absolutely tearing me apart.

 

2. I'm angry that my husband waited this long to care enough to fix things, after I'd already emotionally moved on and fallen out of love with him.

 

I don't know if it is possible to find the spark and fall in love again with my husband. Some people believe that when a spark is gone, it's gone. I don't know if that is the case. All I know is that I love him very much, though things are just not the same.

 

I very deeply love and care about the person in my new relationship. He has patiently waited for the end of my marriage (which I've told him is in process) without any expectations or pressure. At the end of the day his attitude is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but what is more important to him is that I am happy, whether I choose to be with him or not. Part of me feels I will strongly regret walking away from him.

 

I don't know what to do. This is the first time in my life I have felt completely lost. Please offer me some help and guidance :-( Thank you so much.

[lonelybuthappy]

Hello,

 

I've been in limbo now for 1.5 yrs and I'm totally lost. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and dated 5 years prior to that. I love him very much and he is a very dear person to me. 2 yrs ago things started to change where I seemed to become a non entity to him romantically - he was not not cheating at all, but rather buried himself in his mystery books, computer games and online games which took up all of his evenings and much of the weekend. The sex/intimacy was very sporadic, though nothing else was wrong. As time went by I grew more and more upset, angry and hurt. I talked to him on numerous occasions - calmly, in tears, in anger - you name the approach, I tried it. He would always say sorry, he never meant it and he loved me with all his heart and would be different. Still the books and games/online games prevailed (again, no affair - none whatsoever - he even would ask me to join in the games as another player). Finally, I realized that I had the choice to either leave or stay. Being that I love my husband, and I know that he feels the same, aside from this whacky behavior, I decided to stay. If this was the way he was, I was not going to be one of those nagging wives - or try to change him. I could choose to either stay or leave.

 

As the months went by, I felt myself emotionally withdrawing. Meanwhile, he was still hot into his gaming - you name the online games, he played them (he'd turned into a sales professional during the day/gamer by night). I had been reading on the advice boards about gaming being one of the newer reason marriages were being destroyed, but I really began to stop caring. Meanwhile I met someone else. As I grew closer to this person over time, I told him my marriage was coming to an end and my husband and I were estranged, as I realized that I was very unhappy. We grew more closer, and in this person I found all that was lacking in my marriage (emotional/sexual intimacy, caring, a love that grew deeper and deeper as the months went by). I made the decision to leave my marriage and start a new life. I was careful to ponder and confirm the fact I was not leaving one person for another, but rather leaving because I was unhappy. Another relationship had helped me realize what I was missing that was important to me.

 

My husband then, suddenly, woke up. He just "snapped" out of it - he realized that I had changed. I was withdrawn from him, spent time going out to movies and taking the dogs out for walks without him, etc. He suddenly stopped playing the games, and reading the books and said he noticed I was becoming a totally different person. He tried to initiate intimacy, but by this point I was totally uninterested (and yes, perhaps a bit hurt and angry still). I realized that though I love him so very much, I'm not in love with him any more. He has now spent many, many months trying to make it up to me. He has been sweet, loving, attentive and has promised to spend the rest of his life making up for his prior year of behavior towards me.

 

I'm now torn, confused, and very heavily guilt ridden. I don't know what to do, and end up crying myself to sleep every night.

 

1. I feel terribly guilty I am having a 2nd relationship with someone who is very dear and sweet to me, someone I am considering spending the rest of my life with. I have now been seeing him for close to 16 months. Leaving my husband or leaving this new relationship will deeply hurt one of the two individuals. The guilt is absolutely tearing me apart.

 

2. I'm angry that my husband waited this long to care enough to fix things, after I'd already emotionally moved on and fallen out of love with him.

 

I don't know if it is possible to find the spark and fall in love again with my husband. Some people believe that when a spark is gone, it's gone. I don't know if that is the case. All I know is that I love him very much, though things are just not the same.

 

I very deeply love and care about the person in my new relationship. He has patiently waited for the end of my marriage (which I've told him is in process) without any expectations or pressure. At the end of the day his attitude is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but what is more important to him is that I am happy, whether I choose to be with him or not. Part of me feels I will strongly regret walking away from him.

 

I don't know what to do. This is the first time in my life I have felt completely lost. Please offer me some help and guidance :-( Thank you so much.

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]

If you can't decide, then be by yourself for a bit.W[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]hy not just be alone for a while?[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]Just enjoy life without being in a relationship for now. You can get many answers in you[/sIZE][/FONT]