NeverLate Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I am an xOM and have been in NC for over 6 months. xOW works in the same company but I have found ways to work around that so that I dont have to work with her directly. I have even gone so far as to create rules in my email application that automatically delete mail messages sent from her so that I dont have to worry about seeing anything from her. Funny thing is while things have gotten easier with time I still miss her. I know it sounds stupid and you guys may go off on me and maybe I deserve it but I miss her. Its so sad I have done everything possible to forget about her and yet I think of her all the time. I wonder how she is, what she is doing, I miss our conversations and the connection we shared. I know that she is married and so am I and I have been working on my marriage but all of that doesnt change the fact I still miss her. I some times get angry at her because she wanted to stay "friends" after our affair was ending but I felt that I would be comprimising my feelings by constraining our relationship to a "friendship". I wasnt about to give her cake and let her eat it too. I will never speak to her again but that doesnt change the fact that I still love her and I miss her so.....
Tomcat33 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I know what you mean and I think it is totally normal to still miss someone we shared so much intimacy with, both emotional and physical. I too miss all the conversations the most, we would spend hours on end talking and laughing and sharing things from our pasts and sometimes it would even take place in between our love making. I also miss our phone conversations some nights it would get so late and we'd be on the phone knowing we had to hang up because the next day we both worked and yet it was so hard to say good night we wanted to keep on chatting. BUT when I fall too deep into missing him mode I just remind myself why that cannot be anymore and I try snap myself out of thinking what will only make me sad in the end. It's all about mastering the art of supression I suppose..... Who knows maybe we will never stop reminiscing, it is normal? What's normal?
Author NeverLate Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks for the response. There are times that my heart just aches for her and there is nothing I can do about it. I just take a deep breath, think about my W and my kids, and thank God for what I have. Its funny but I find myself hating the kind of car she drives, hating the music she likes and in the end I just realize that I have to let go of the hate and move on. She hurt me so deeply and profoundly I dont know if I will ever recover fully. I can see her face and her eyes and the way she used to look at me at my heart sinks. I do feel bad for my W because I will never really be able to give myself to her completely. It really is tragic......
FavoriteHeadache Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I know how you feel man. I am about 3 weeks out from the OW and I think about her a lot. I'm in limbo though and have no idea if I'll ever hear from her again. We were friends first and foremost and it was ended when her husband found out that she had a relationship on the side. He doesn't know all the details but it was bad enough that she wa hiding even talking to me. So we ended all contact. I guess my situation is different from yours but still I know how you feel I think. It is better actually that it ended when it did. In the long run it is better this way.
Tomcat33 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Well it sounds like we all in the same boat. Though I'm single so I still have the hope of a new illusion a new start and the uncertainty of what's ahead for me is quite exciting in and of itself. I do empathise with the two of you because it must be so hard to face your relationships after the emotional dent an A leaves behind. I find myself wondering sometimes for a split second (that's all I allow myself) if I will ever love someone like that again. I mean the affinity I had with this man was unlike anything I had experienced before, even in my most segnificant relationship a man I lived with for many years it was not quite as deep as this last one was we were in synch in almost every way, it was a deep emotional connection. Can I ask you NL, why are you not with her? FH I already heard sort of why you are not...buy why do you men deprive yourselves from what could be your true happiness? I don't get that? Or was it more an addiction for you?
Author NeverLate Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Hi Tomcat, The reason we're not together is because she chose to stay with her H. She came close to leaving him a couple of times but when the going got tough, the tough stayed home. I was ready to give it all up for her. My marriage, family everything. After that we stayed in our affair for almost a year. I finally said enough because she was progressively working me out of her life as she tried to put her Marriage back together. She wanted to stay friends but I told her that wasnt what I wanted and that I was not going to comprimise how I felt so she could have her friend with benefits. In the end I decided to go NC because I wanted to show her that she couldnt get away with that. That was the last time we spoke. She got so mad that she returned a bunch of sentimental stuff I had given her over the years to me and then called me to let me know she did it. I never bothered I just took all the stuff she gave me and threw it all in the trash never bothering to tell her at all. I remember the deep connection we had. It was almost telepathic. I still feel her presence in my life although I will never let her know. We used to talk and then make love and talk for hours on end. I realize its gone never to return and thats the part that kills me. She was the best friend I ever had. what a tragedy.......
Incognitox Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Well, hey. Very recently I finished the 'relationship' I'd been having for 2 years with a MM and I'm feeling very positive. I really don't miss him, at all. I guess I wanted to post on your thread Neverlate just to give another way it can be. Cliche said something in her thread that rang loads of bells with me. It was about missing something that never existed. I had that 'aha!' moment and realised that I was loving something that didn't exist, I was loving something that was just a projection of what I wanted, not what actually was. Goodness, everytime I saw my MM he'd talk about leaving, getting his own place and how we'd be together. All he was doing was feeding me a line to keep the sex and the emotional stroking on tap. Bleh... is all I have to say about anyone who's too broken to either fix their marriage or get out before making someone else fall in love with them.
Cliche Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Though I'm single so I still have the hope of a new illusion a new start and the uncertainty of what's ahead for me is quite exciting in and of itself. THIS!! This is what I *felt* for the first time yesterday and oh my it is exhilarating. I have a future that is going to be spectacular and I don't even know what it is yet!!! I think that may be one of the most beautiful thoughts I've had in a long time. I'm glad you were able to show me how to verbalize it, Tomcat. Thank you.
Tomcat33 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Cliche: you're welcome! You know after all the heartache and broken illusions settled the one good thing I could say I gathered from this whole experience is that it has taught me to look at the positive in things, I had to retrain me brain if you will to focus on the positive to avoid sinking deeper into all the negative I was feeling. A good place to start is forgiveness it is truly liberating, there is so much truth to the fact that anger and resentment is a way to stay fully attached to a situation or person. I am forgiving and the gap that happens when I the flip-flopping back and forth between forgiving and feeling angry is getting smaller as the days go by and I feel more forgiveness than anger. All the energy we spend on resentment is energy spent on gluing ourselves to our past. Hi Never Late: thank you for your response, I see what you mean now you are sort of in the same boat I am minus the marriage on my part. Had it been up to you you would have been with her....that is really tough. You are 6 months into NC and you still find you miss her, well I find I still miss my guy a LOT too, however the way I miss him today is different than what it was at first. Let me explain... I am roughly 5 months in NC where the NC was broken a few times by him but overall the weeks seemed so long and the days even LONGER at the begining. It was so so hard not to focus on all the good we had and what the "not having that" incurred. I have learned to train my brain to refocus, to erase certain paths to build new ones, and I find it really works. Some days I do fall a bit behind and reminisce just a little too much, and that's ok I allow myself that, but overall if I feel myself getting nostalgic I do refocus on all the why's we are no longer together. On all the uncertainties I had about our future had I ended up with him, and on the simple fact that the powers that be wanted it this way. I am learning to pay attention to what I miss VS what I ACTUALLY had. I can't speak for your situation but mine was very angst ridden and I tried to deal with a lot of emotions that should not happen between two people who are in love and who want the best for one another out of this certain "love". THAT is my huge reminder that what we had was not healthy no matter how good it felt at times, yes what I felt was great and the intellectual/emotional connection was very intense as I know it was for him but what we actually had wasn't. Perhaps this is why an A feels so intense? Even though the element of hiding around and sneaking wasn't really a part of mine all the emotions that it evoked caused for a very intense experience. Unlike past rels that ended I realised this one was going to take a lot more work on my part to overcome, more work than I had imagined given my past break ups. So I have been doing just that really focusing on reality vs feelings. Not sure what your "reality" was but a dose of it might just help to redirect your thought pattern you truly do have to take your thoughts into your own hands...I found this out the hard way. I think certain feelings will always stay with you but once you understand them better you can keep them in a cool place like a crate of old records that will always inspire a certain something in you when you listend to them, as opposed to carrying the crate on your shoulders when you are not even in the mood for music. Maybe right now you are carrying the crate? Incognitox Good for you! Stay strong and keep focus on your journey. Perfect example of feelings vs reality by the way!
Meaplus3 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I am an xOM and have been in NC for over 6 months. xOW works in the same company but I have found ways to work around that so that I dont have to work with her directly. I have even gone so far as to create rules in my email application that automatically delete mail messages sent from her so that I dont have to worry about seeing anything from her. Funny thing is while things have gotten easier with time I still miss her. I know it sounds stupid and you guys may go off on me and maybe I deserve it but I miss her. Its so sad I have done everything possible to forget about her and yet I think of her all the time. I wonder how she is, what she is doing, I miss our conversations and the connection we shared. I know that she is married and so am I and I have been working on my marriage but all of that doesnt change the fact I still miss her. I some times get angry at her because she wanted to stay "friends" after our affair was ending but I felt that I would be comprimising my feelings by constraining our relationship to a "friendship". I wasnt about to give her cake and let her eat it too. I will never speak to her again but that doesnt change the fact that I still love her and I miss her so..... Hi neverlate, Just want to say that I am sorry for your heart break. NC is very tough to maintain, ( in my case complete torture since mm lives nextdoor) however it sound's to me like your doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself for that. Good Luck. AP:)
Author NeverLate Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Thank you all for your kind words. While NC is hard it does work. You know it would be worse to have to be friends with her and see her with her H and watch her go on vacations with him and do things with him. It really is better this way. I can rationalize the fact that it wasnt real and all of that but at the end I did and do love her so. I guess what I really want is for someone to love me like I thought she loved me. Like I thought she loved me when I held her and when we layed in bed and talked and laughed and loved and all of it. The longing the caring the connection of it all so addicting so wrong ultimately. NC is hard
BurriedAlive Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 The last two days have been horrible for me. NC has been going for more than 2 months now and I have this awful urge to contact him. I just want to know if he misses me. I miss him so much it hurts. I thought time was supposed to heal everything? But so far, I am strong and I have restrained from emailing him. It would be so easy to just do it but it would probably be worst in the long run.
9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 The last two days have been horrible for me. NC has been going for more than 2 months now and I have this awful urge to contact him. I just want to know if he misses me. I miss him so much it hurts. I thought time was supposed to heal everything? But so far, I am strong and I have restrained from emailing him. It would be so easy to just do it but it would probably be worst in the long run. I beg of you not to do it. Realize that your life with him while he is married will ALWAYS include pain. He has not contacted you....just leave it alone. THIS path....there is so much emotional distraught. Just walk away....you r doing good. I know. I am only not even a week and very day is very very long. Dont go back to this
BurriedAlive Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 I beg of you not to do it. Realize that your life with him while he is married will ALWAYS include pain. He has not contacted you....just leave it alone. THIS path....there is so much emotional distraught. Just walk away....you r doing good. I know. I am only not even a week and very day is very very long. Dont go back to this Thanks 9lives. And yes, I am still strong. I have not weakend and contacted him and in all likelyhood, I won't. And you are right, life with him while he is married will always include pain. Infact, life with him even if he wasn't married would be painful since there is only one person in his life who is important to him - Him!!! He drove by my house last night twice. It ruined my night. Tonight, I am refusing even to look outside.
9Lives Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Infact, life with him even if he wasn't married would be painful since there is only one person in his life who is important to him - Him!!! He drove by my house last night twice. It ruined my night. Tonight, I am refusing even to look outside. That is funny. Him driving by...whatever. Him and I have not ever went more than 2 weeks so this is going to be pretty new to me. I just telling myself that life with him why he is married is painful. That helps me remember why I am hurting right now!!!! It has only been 2 days. I dont think he cares. That is what he is telling himself. We did not have a bad relationship. I know this sounds stupid..and I am scared to say it..but I think he love me still. I guess all that dont matter no more anyway. It is done. I'm not going back this time.
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