skeletonindacloset Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 So I was in a relationship with a woman who I was absolutely crazy about but it ended over three years ago. Since the moment I met until right now she's never left my heart or head. It's honestly driving me quite mad. I've had meaningless relationships since then and one that had a bit of hope but amidst all I have done with my life since her I have not been able to get her out of my head. I've had moments where I felt like I could move on but I'm usually a step away from alcohol poisoning when I feel that way. The last relationship I was in ended only two weeks into it and I was thankful because I felt horrible for thinking about this other woman every second we were together. It's like I'm not giving anyone else a chance and it's not like I don't want to. I'm absolutely sick and tired of feeling like a bad person for thinking of someone when I'm with someone else. For a good 7 or 8 months I was able to not be outwardly sad in front of people but that just went to hell a few weeks ago. I started a new job about a month ago and this whole thing is causing nothing but negativity for my job, and I'm a waiter and we have to happy cuz that's our friggin job. So I'm lost on what to do. Everyday all I can think about is her and how badly I want to call her and tell her how much she means to me but she has since then moved on and though through friends I know she still asks about me I know that verbal contact wouldn't be the best idea. I have no idea what to do and I can't afford professional help. I'm sick and tired of my friends and family being so careful with their words around me because they're so worried that I'm gonna off myself. That's why I started lying about how I was doing when anyone would ask me. I'm kind of at the end of my tether and I want this pain to end but I don't want to be honest with the people around me because then I'll be some mental case again and I already know I'm crazy.
polywog Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 It's awful that you feel so terrible and alone with the pain over losing your gf. You say it's been 3 years; that's pretty long to still have those feelings, unless there's more to the story. Have you maintained a "friendship" where you see each other a lot still? Anything like that? You say you can't afford therapy, but in your case I think it sounds like it would be incredibly helpful and pull you out of this painful state. You'll get the support you need to move on, learn about yourself, and find your inner strength (it's there, you just can't access it now). There are all sorts of ways to see a therapist (social worker, etc.) for very cheap or for free. If there's a university with a psych department you can see a graduate student, for example, for nothing or very little money. There are all sorts of social services for people with low incomes (I assume your tax returns would show a low income since you're a waiter). I recommend that you look in the yellow pages or ask around, maybe there's a crisis or mental health center in your area that could refer you to someone. It's out there for us poor people. There are also some wonderful books that can help you out. I'm at a loss at this moment to think of any titles, but maybe someone else on this forum can give you suggestions. Anyway, I do wish you the best, and hope you take my suggestion of seeking a counselor seriously. I speak from experience. You can only talk to your family and friends for so long, as you've seen. They just want to see you move on and be happy, but your grief has its own timetable, so you are isolated with it now. But you can unload all you want to in therapy, and get help to move forward at the same time. Take care of yourself, sweetie. PS- you aren't crazy!!! Just grieving!
Pixie-Minx Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 dont think your crazy.. it took me 5 years to get over my first loe terrified it will take me as long this time!) in the end, i put im in a diffrent place in my mind to the pedisal he groun his heels into! the way i did that unfortuantly was to let him cheat on his fiance with me.. Not proud of it! but there will be a way for you...
Author skeletonindacloset Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Oddly enough the woman I'm losing my mind over was cheating on their fiance with me, so I guess we share that in common. It didn't make me feel like she was a bad person for it though. I guess it made me feel like I was a better person for being able to give her the love she craved. But now she's married to the dude and I'm still freakin out. I guess I could chalk it up to being flattered that she picked me as her last fling before marriage, sick as that may sound. Who knows!! On a side note I have to say this. I started working at a hotel restaurant a few months ago and there are a bunch of women that work there and we all get along pretty well and some I could be attracted to and some not so much, but what's odd is that I couldn't get the time of day from any single ladies there yet I'm being flirted with on an extreme basis by quite a few married women. So do people that cheat have the ability to sense those who've been around that block before? It's kinda eery. To tell you the honest to god truth I prefer the idea of that situation over an actual monogamous relationship because any relationship since then I've always felt like I was betraying my true feelings for the woman I love regardless of her situation or beliefs, whereas with some situation where love doesn't come into play I guess we can both just treat each other like cheap pieces of ass and be fine with it. I know that's incredibly awful to say but anytime I've tried to get close to a woman I always feel like I'm cheating on my love. My belief is that it stems from the fact that we only had sex a few times and it was more talking and spending time together than sexual, so if I try to be that way with someone else I just feel awful. I'll tell ya this much, I hate my friggin brain sometimes.
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