He says he needs space after 10 mo - ?

[happilyeverafter]

ok, I've never posted on here. But I could really use some advice. I have been dating my BF for 10 months. We get along great, never argue, have great converstaion, great sex, we've had the usual few bumps in the road but have recovered each time.

 

This summer he decided he was going to leave his job of 11 years and go back to school. I'm very proud of him for being strong enough to make that kind of change. It also meant that we could see each other more often, since we live an hour apart.

 

At first things we going good, I'd come up there for a few days during the week, then go back to my place, he'd come down for the weekend and when we weren't able to see each other we talk on the phone at the end of the day. things were good.

 

I know he was nervous about quitting his job, and having time off before he stars school, but his anxiety has been pretty high. I has caused some changes in his behavior. a few times he has been kindof distant, not really negative, but just not the guy I've grown to love. He's aware that he's been acting funny and even apologized for it. But the same continues...

 

last week he said he thought ti would be best if he had some space to figure out what he's going to do with his career, etc. He told me this had nothing to do with our relationship, that I shouldn't worry.

 

So, last week I didn't go up to his place. we still spoke in the evenings, but breifly, and the converstaions we're always as animated as they have been in the past. He came down to my house and stayed Friday and Saturday last week, he was still kind of off - hard to describe. but we had fun, visited some friends, we were close physically, he is still affectionate, but somthing was different and I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

Anyway, I have continued to give him space this week. Tuesday I told him that I missed him, and his response was, "It's only tuesday." I was shocked, he's never said anything like that to me. What is that supposed to mean?

 

We have been speaking on the phone at night. But he hasn't mentioned anything about weekend plans, and last night he didn't call like he usually does. I'm worried that this space is creating a rift between us, but I don't know what to do. If I continue to give him spacwe it may get worse. If I don't give him space I'm smothering him. I don't even know if i should tell him how I am feeling. And the whole situation and uncertianty makes me feel horrible. I just want my boyfriend back!

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

[whichwayisup]

Give him the space he needs...I know that's hard to do, especially if you love the guy and are used to seeing/speaking to him daily. So, let him MISS you.

 

Try not to push it, meaning - Let him do the talking (as in I miss you, don't say it first...) because him saying "it's only Tuesday" IS a sign that he is thinking about something....he isn't handling it properly which is why you're feeling insecure and not sure what is going to happen.

 

All I can say is, focus on other things in your life, keep busy, hang with friends and family. Shield your heart abit when it comes to him...That way you won't get hurt.

 

In afew weeks or so if you still feel that distance from him, definately tell him you two need to talk. After 10 months of a relationship he OWES you honesty and respect.

[happilyeverafter]

I am trying very hard to be paitent, but I can't understand why he dosn't want me there for him, I want to support him when he feels unsure. I want him to need me the way it seemed like it was before. I do have many things to keep my occupied but it seems like my mind keeps taking me back to him.

 

It was so exciting to have a healthy, happy relationship with a sexy, intelligent man. Everything was moving in the right direction, at a great pace. I don't need to move forward to the next step, I am very content where we were at but taking a step backwards just becuase he's insecure about somthing unrelated to me dosen't seem fair.

[Lizzie60]

It could be well be that he is drifting away...

 

I don't believe in LDR... never did, never will...

 

If he needs so much space, lock him outside... no seriously... leave him alone for a while... that should give you a good indication if you need to leave him.

 

I know it's hard but you just have to do it. If you don't then he will think you're dependent (huge turn-off)... let him miss you for a change and if he doesn't ...well not much you can do... can't force him to love you.

[frygirl]

I agree with Lizzie on this. Maybe I'm a bit old school, but I believe when you are in a relationship you don't get to take "time outs." That is what asking for space is essentially. If he is goigng through a tough time he should want you there to support him. If he doesn't it measn there is something wrong in the relationship that he is not being upfront about. perhaps his feelings have cooled off a bit and he doesn't feel the need to see you as much anymore. I know its not what you want to hear but it is likely what is really going on. When you are in an LDR, its hard to smother some one so I doubt youa re guilty of him needing space to deal with that.

 

These days I think people asking for "space" is very unhealthy. If a guy ever asks me for space I would give him all the space he needs and walk away.

[happilyeverafter]

I wish walking away were easy, but the problem is I still love him, he hasn't given me a reason to believe that he has fallen out of love with me. We don't fight over this, I respect the fact that he is having a hard time right now, but his change in behavior is having an effect on my and I'm not sure if he realizes this or not. In the past he has been very intuitive, will discuss anything, even touchy feely emotions to death without becomming unconfortable. I know this becuase anytime he has become uncomfortable he says he'd rather talk about it another time and we return to the subject later.

 

I just don't want to make a mistake that can't be fixed, because i feel like what we have together is worth waiting on (for a little bit) but if it's not becuase of us, and he isn't seeing someone else, and I'm not driving him up the wall, why does he distance himself by not calling and acting aloof? It drives me batty!

[jcster]

It sounds like he's looking at ALL aspects of his life right now - and your relationship is one of those aspects. The only thing you can do right now is respect his wishes and have faith that he will resolve his issues and re-affirm his commitment to your relationship. I don't think there's a lot you can do to expedite the process, so if you want to continue the relationship, you are just going to have to be patient and let him tell you what he needs.

[curiousnycgirl]

You need to remember that everyone handles things differently, while you might want to be supported if you were doing all the things that he is doing - he may need to spend some time reevaluating his life, etc.

 

Do not take this personally - give him his space and see what happens. If you push him, it will push him away.

[whichwayisup]

I wish walking away were easy, but the problem is I still love him, he hasn't given me a reason to believe that he has fallen out of love with me. We don't fight over this, I respect the fact that he is having a hard time right now, but his change in behavior is having an effect on my and I'm not sure if he realizes this or not. In the past he has been very intuitive, will discuss anything, even touchy feely emotions to death without becomming unconfortable. I know this becuase anytime he has become uncomfortable he says he'd rather talk about it another time and we return to the subject later.

 

I just don't want to make a mistake that can't be fixed, because i feel like what we have together is worth waiting on (for a little bit) but if it's not becuase of us, and he isn't seeing someone else, and I'm not driving him up the wall, why does he distance himself by not calling and acting aloof? It drives me batty!

 

Then trust him when he says it's not about you, and that he just needs time to sort out his future, whether it be his job or something else going on inside his head. Many men tend to disappear and try to figure things out on their own, so as another poster has said, don't take it personally. He needs to do this on his own, so respect that. BUT, in 2 weeks if he is still very distant, then you two should talk.

 

Another thing, try your best NOT to let this ruin you...It's not about you, it's about him and he's putting himself first which I can understand is making you feel nervous and insecure. Have faith in him, your relationship and just take it day by day.

[happilyeverafter]

thanks for all the great advice guys. I really appreciate the varried insight. It's hard to tell what the right thing to do is. I just want to call him. But what would really like is if he called me.

 

I want to feel that closeness with him again, I love the way he makes me feel valued and important and beautiful. I want to be able to have that again, and support him when he's feeling insecure.

 

In the meantime, I think I need a project, hmmm...my house needs to be redecorated.....

[Lauriebell82]

thanks for all the great advice guys. I really appreciate the varried insight. It's hard to tell what the right thing to do is. I just want to call him. But what would really like is if he called me.

 

I want to feel that closeness with him again, I love the way he makes me feel valued and important and beautiful. I want to be able to have that again, and support him when he's feeling insecure.

 

In the meantime, I think I need a project, hmmm...my house needs to be redecorated.....

 

Yeah, thats a good idea! Do something to occupy yourself and get your mind of it. I went through this when my bf was studying for the CPA exam. He became very distant and said that I was a distractiona and he couldn't see me for awhile. It wasn't about me I realized and that if I gave him his space and time it would work out. So I did, and he passed his exam! But while I was away from him I tried to do some other things to keep my mind off it, I went out with friends, studied more, read books, watched movies, anything to keep my mind off him. I guess that's all you can do right. Good luck!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Please protect your heart. Nine times out of ten when someone says they need "space" it is to make space for a new partner in their life.

[happilyeverafter]

He called tonight, but I missed it.

 

the good news is he wanted to call me last night but wasn't able to get cell reception (he was visiting a friend and didn't have service) and by the time he was able to get reception it was late and he didn't want to wake me up, which i appreciate.

 

But, I was hoping that he was going to want to make plans with me this weekend, so we could see eachother, Tomorrow is already Friday. I just miss him so much.

[oppath]

Not to make you feel bad but if he wanted to reach you, he would have. He made an excuse to make you feel better, but he could have taken your number from his cell phone and used his friends land line to call you for 5 minutes.

 

You are doing all you can do, but start thinking about what YOU want in a relationship. Do you want someone who acts distant when things are difficult, or do you want someone who says "things are difficult and I need your support." Do you want someone who is open about why they are acting different, or someone who doesn't take the risk to explain it. Explaining it could mean him losing you, so he doesn't explain it. Rather than say "I love you and I'm afraid of some things in my life and worry they will mean losing you which scares me" he is saying "I'm not sure if I love you enough with all these other things in my life and need to sort it out."

 

I hope I'm not discouraging you. I'm trying to protect you. If he does break up with you, you are going to be hurt and pissed and feel like he had been lying to you for several weeks instead of just being honest with you. That is what happened with my ex. It hurt worse because I felt entitled to whatever her thoughts were as she had them so I could make decisions.

 

Months later, I still struggle, and the only thing that really makes me feel better is realizing "I wanted this and that and I was about to dump her because she wasn't meeting my needs."

 

Examine what you want and need from a relationship so that (1) you can express it to him if he pulls out of his funk and (2) if the relationship does dissolve, you can feel confident that he wasn't giving you what you needed so you are better off without him.

[jcster]

I love the way he makes me feel valued and important and beautiful. I want to be able to have that again

 

You will have that again when you learn to feel that way independently. One of the reasons that this separation is so hard for you is that you need him around to feel that way. It's a tough way to live, when you depend on others for your self esteem. Learn to feel valuable, beautiful and important just for yourself, and you will have an entirely different view of your relationship.

[happilyeverafter]

OK, so I didn't really get to talk to him last night, again....

 

I'm dying to talk to him about all this. I want him to know that I understand he has a lot on his plate but that I need things from him as well. I don't ask for a lot. somtimes all it takes is just being in the same physical location, we don't even have to be doing the same thing. It just feels right, you know?

 

so I am going to try to talk to him about some of these feelings I'm having this weekend. I have been writing things down so that I get my thoughts clear, rational, and non-threatenting so I don't put him on the defensive. It seems like a lot of this is preventative, this is the first time we have ancountered a bump like this. the other trials we have encoutered in our relationship we have handled as a team, and handled them well.

 

so here is the jist of what I'd like to talk to him about.

 

 

Boyfriend -

 

[FONT=Arial]Since I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to you much this week I figured I’d write my feelings down.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]I know you have a lot on your plate right now. You have reassured me that nothing that is causing you anxiety is related to me, and that I shouldn’t worry. I tried this, giving you some space, some time. I have been keeping myself busy, having fun with my friends, taking on projects around the house, spending more time with my family. It’s been nice. But, I still miss you. I love you. Our relationship has been so enjoyable. But lately some of your behavior has been making me think about us differently. Let me give you a few examples.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]When you don’t call like you usually do, or when you say you will and I don’t hear from you it makes me feel unimportant. I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to hear from you or not. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]When we don’t make plans until the day before I feel like my time has been taken for granted. I want to see you, but I want to have something to look forward to also. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]A comment you made earlier this week has really stuck with me (Different than some of your other Dave-isms). I told you over the phone that I missed you, and your response was, “It’s only Tuesday.” What does that mean? Do you think about me when I’m not around? We used to count down the hours until we’d get to see each other again. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]When you are aloof and distant and we are together I feel like I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention. I have been in a relationship where I was put up on a shelf until he wanted me and I’m not going down that road again. One of the many reasons I fell in love with you is that I was so excited to have someone who wanted me like I wanted them.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]I was also worried that I explained to you that I’m feeling down, and then I don’t hear from you for a couple days. It would be nice to get the same kind of encouragement that I give to you back in return. Instead I feel like you must be so busy you don’t have time to think of me. You’ve told me that you like the fact that I am independent and different than some of the other women you’ve dated, but still have flaws (I’m clumsy, I get anxious, I snore sometimes and I pick at my nails). I need to know that you will be there for me when I need you.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]I was enjoying spending more time with you at the beginning of the summer. I thought that we would continue to see each other during the week (a little) in addition to the weekend. I loved being able to help you with things around the house. I also figured you would want to help me return the favor. You used to come down and visit me midweek, is there a reason why you don’t do this anymore? Do you not feel compelled to spend as much time with me as you used to? I feel like you don’t want me in the picture anymore. I thought you like having me there to support you, bring you books from the library to read about what is concerning you, talk things through, bounce ideas around. At one point you told me these were some of the reasons why I was so good for you. That my input and encouragement have helped you make good decisions. I miss doing those things for you. I also miss some of the things you used to do for me. Making me coffee in the morning before I went to work. Planning sweet romantic evenings at your place. I’m scared. Scared because a lot of things have changed between us in the past month, I fell in love with you because of how we were together before these changes. I’m not so naive to think that things are always going to be the same forever, but I need to let you know that right now, I feel we are headed the wrong direction if we want to continue to both be happy together. [/FONT]

 

[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]I am so excited to have a healthy, happy relationship with a sexy, intelligent man. Everything was moving in the right direction, at a great pace. I don't need to move forward to the next step, I am very content where we were. You had said you were too. Now it feels like we are taking a step backwards and that makes me uncomfortable.[/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Arial] I want us to be able to support one another, if I am feeling down and you are feeling anxious, let’s be there for each other. I want ot know that we can handle good times as well as bad times, and both of us feel like we are getting what we need. I can give you space, but I also need time together, I’m sure we can work something out so that both of us are comfortable.[/FONT]

 

Does this sound fair to both of us? I don't want a lot from him, I just want to come to a happy mediuum so that we can both be comfortable. I want to find a solution we can both handle.

[happilyeverafter]

I am just trying to make us both happy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its good that you put your thoughts down like that, but when a person asks for space and you try to do something to lessen the amount of space they are comfortable with - it will be met with resentment, and a greater effort at maintaining or increasing that space.

[justagirliegirl]

I really like your list of what you are planning on saying. I plan to try some of them.

[Walk]

Since I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to you much this week I figured I’d write my feelings down.

 

I know you have a lot on your plate right now. You have reassured me that nothing that is causing you anxiety is related to me, and that I shouldn’t worry. I tried this, giving you some space, some time. I have been keeping myself busy, having fun with my friends, taking on projects around the house, spending more time with my family. It’s been nice. But, I still miss you. I love you. Our relationship has been so enjoyable. But lately some of your behavior has been making me think about us differently. Let me give you a few examples.

 

This first paragraph is good. Reminding him why the relationship is good.

 

When you don’t call like you usually do, or when you say you will and I don’t hear from you it makes me feel unimportant. I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to hear from you or not.

 

When we don’t make plans until the day before I feel like my time has been taken for granted. I want to see you, but I want to have something to look forward to also.

 

This is good. Love the "have something to look forward to" part.

 

A comment you made earlier this week has really stuck with me (Different than some of your other Dave-isms). I told you over the phone that I missed you, and your response was, “It’s only Tuesday.” What does that mean? Do you think about me when I’m not around? We used to count down the hours until we’d get to see each other again.

 

Maybe instead of "what does that mean" you could phrase it a bit different. Almost makes it sound like you're shouting, "WTF... you should be counting down the hours!" It'll put him on the defensive even if you don't mean it to. Maybe try re-phrasing that.

 

Something along the lines of explaining how you interpreted his words, and offering a couple options that don't color him in such an ass hole kind of light. But the way its worded here would put most people on the defensive. (I think)

 

When you are aloof and distant and we are together I feel like I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention. I have been in a relationship where I was put up on a shelf until he wanted me and (strike this part) I’m not going down that road again . One of the many reasons I fell in love with you is that I was so excited to have someone who wanted me like I wanted them.

 

Maybe replace that with how it made you feel unwanted, unloved, whatever... and it didn't make you feel like the person appreciated your effort or respected your feelings. But saying "I'm not going down that road again is an ultimatum. Could be interpretted as "If you don't shape up, I'm leaving your ass". Which he might need, but he's going to get defensive and react badly rather than want to talk about how to make things better.

 

I was also worried that I explained to you that I’m feeling down, and then I don’t hear from you for a couple days. It would be nice to get the same kind of encouragement that I give to you back in return. (I'd strike this too) Instead I feel like you must be so busy you don’t have time to think of me. You’ve told me that you like the fact that I am independent and different than some of the other women you’ve dated, but still have flaws (I’m clumsy, I get anxious, I snore sometimes and I pick at my nails). I need to know that you will be there for me when I need you.

 

I love the way this paragraph begins. Perfect. But instead of accusing him of being an uncaring arse, maybe you could take that part out. I got the point you were trying to make in the first two sentences. You feel he's neglecting you, and that he ignored you when you said you felt you needed him. The rest got kind of confusing.. You're independent with flaws... what did that have to do with him ignoring you when you felt down?

 

I was enjoying spending more time with you at the beginning of the summer. I thought that we would continue to see each other during the week (a little) in addition to the weekend. I loved being able to help you with things around the house. I also figured you would want to help me return the favor. You used to come down and visit me midweek, is there a reason why you don’t do this anymore? Do you not feel compelled to spend as much time with me as you used to? I feel like you don’t want me in the picture anymore. I thought you like having me there to support you, bring you books from the library to read about what is concerning you, talk things through, bounce ideas around. At one point you told me these were some of the reasons why I was so good for you. That my input and encouragement have helped you make good decisions. I miss doing those things for you. I also miss some of the things you used to do for me. Making me coffee in the morning before I went to work. Planning sweet romantic evenings at your place. I’m scared. Scared because a lot of things have changed between us in the past month, I fell in love with you because of how we were together before these changes. I’m not so naive to think that things are always going to be the same forever, but I need to let you know that right now, I feel we are headed the wrong direction if we want to continue to both be happy together.

 

I am so excited to have a healthy, happy relationship with a sexy, intelligent man. Everything was moving in the right direction, at a great pace. I don't need to move forward to the next step, I am very content where we were. You had said you were too. Now it feels like we are taking a step backwards and that makes me uncomfortable. I want us to be able to support one another, if I am feeling down and you are feeling anxious, let’s be there for each other. I want ot know that we can handle good times as well as bad times, and both of us feel like we are getting what we need. I can give you space, but I also need time together, I’m sure we can work something out so that both of us are comfortable.

 

The rest sounds great, and I don't think you're asking too much. I personally think the things I put in bold could potentially cause a person to become defensive and could cause communication to hit a wall... but its up to you whether you want to keep those as they are, or not. You know your bf better than I do, so don't take my word for it.

 

I think you need to pull away from him more. You tell him you're keeping busy with family and your house, but he has nothing to worry about. You're cocooned in a saftey net that will hold you safe and sound until he's figured out if he wants you or not. You'll be right there waiting for him when he decides he has time for you.

 

I'd start telling him about the great new bar you went to. The new friends you made. The fabulous weekend you had while hanging out with friends, and having men ask for your phone number. How you went on a weekend trip to sightsee or go rafting, or something you don't normally do... something that sparks his brain enough to say "Hey... she's continuing her life without me" She's still exploring the world, still finding new things to do, and those things don't involve ME. Maybe it'll trigger that little thought in the back of his head that if he doesn't involve himself in your life, then he won't have you in his anymore. Maybe it won't.. but either way you'll be living your life instead of just busying yourself with stuff until his return.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't give him the letter nor tell him all that stuff right now. If you do, he'll wonder why you don't understand that he just needs space. If you push it, you may not like his reaction......Could ask for MORE space and it could push him enough that he will make a choice.

 

I understand your pain, frustration and not knowing what is going on, but honestly, it's out of hands either way. IF he IS deciding and needs time to figure out your relationship, talking to him now won't help.

 

let him miss you. Focus on you, back off, have fun with your friends...