alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Hi, wasn't sure exactly where to put this but I could really do with some advice. I'm 23 and was with my ex for 6 months. He was my first love and during the time we were together he said he loved me, wanted my baby etc. Before anyone asks, no he didn't say it when we were in bed together, we talked about the subject a lot. I know we rushed things but we were living together, happy, I was young and in love, and in retrospect, knowing that he had 3 sons already (one from a marriage aged 23, one from a LTR and his youngest who's 18 months old from a 'casual relationship'; my ex is 44) that he's barely seen should have set off warning bells in my head, but we'd even talked marriage and he seemed so genuine when he said he wanted children with me and wouldn't ever leave, that I believed things could be different with us. Anyway a lot of stuff's gone on; we split in January and it's been up and down since then; he wanted space, I wasn't great at giving it to him, I kept trying to discuss the baby and he wouldn't, recently it's been awful - in March & April he said he loved me and wanted to get back together a couple of times then changed his mind a few days later, then in late April he let me stay over one night then kicked me out at 3am saying he hoped I and the baby froze to death (he knew I had no money to get home). I don't condone it, but in desperation I ended up breaking his back door window. He called the police but then let me in a little later and shared the sofa with me, cuddling up all night! Basically now though, he hates me. Don't blame him in some respects, but we've both done stupid/hurtful stuff lately and if I can forgive him for the things he's done, why can't he? I do still have feelings for him but what's most important to me is that he's a part of our son's life. I desperately want him to be at the birth - a few times he's said he'll be there but lately, all he'll say is that he wants nothing more to do with either me or the baby, keeps saying he wants a dna test (he knows he's the only person I've ever been with), is more worried about me not goign to the CSA for child suport than actually playing a part in his baby's life. I saw him last night and he just kept saying I should stop 'bugging' him (he recently got me arrested for harassment by the way, a week after we'd had sex and he said he wanted to stay friends. This 'harassment' was actually me attempting to talk to him about the baby) then I mentioned that I'm carrying his baby and I can't believe he doesn't care about it, he said "when it's born..." and then said I "keep bringing it (being pregnant) up". Finally he said the bit about not wanting anything to do with us. I just don't get how he can be like that. He's left me stranded in town before because he didn't want to give me a lift home, ok I'm his ex and he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, but I'm also 7.5 months pregnant with his son, so you'd think he'd feel some sense of responsibility - or at least a bit of guilt, if he knows I have no money to get home and need his help? Or am I being unreasonable in thinking that? Maybe I am using the baby as an excuse? He's been fairly consistent in saying he doesn't want to see me or the baby again for the past 2 months, and the baby's due in 10 weeks so I feel like I'm on a bit of a time limit on getting things back on better terms; I'm hoping he'll come round and realise that how he feels about me isn't important; his baby is all that matters and his son deserves to have his Dad playing a part in his life - but I can't see that happening somehow, especially as there are only 10 weeks left until the birth. Are there really men out there that honestly don't have any feelings towards their own children?! I can't get my head around that concept - I mean, I can sort of understand it if the baby is the product of a one night stand or something, but we were in an (albeit short-lived) relationship, were living together and (I thought) in love, so surely he'd feel something for his son? Do you think there's any hope of him changing his mind (bearing in mind his history with his other children) and how can I try and get things back on better terms between us? Any ideas/advice appreciated - sorry this post is so long! PS - not sure if this is relevent, but he's the type of guy who takes criticism really badly. He perceives any opinion that he doesn't agree with as you "having a go" at him and will start shouting and get all defensive. He's not a good talker and refuses to show his true feelings, bit of a nightmare really!
curiousnycgirl Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Why do you want this man in your son's life?! From what you describe is more than a bit over the edge. At the very least he is verbally abusive - but kicking you out at 3 am knowing you had no money and no way to get home?! You need to love both your son and yourself more than this! Who cares what your ex wants? I would strongly suggest you stop all contact with him and heal yourself before your son is born. Who cares if he is in the delivery room?! Your primary focus right now should be to ensure that he pays child support! I tried reading some of your previous posts - and thanks for the synopsis above cuz it was all confusing to me -I would suggest all communication be done in writing. Stop going to his house to drop things off, etc. Distance yourself! If he wants a relationship with your child - trust me he will have one, the courts will see to that. You need to focus on your baby right now - and introducing him to the type of BS you describe is completely unacceptable.
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I agree with the above poster. I wouldn't want him at the birth at all. It could possibly stress you out and giving birth is stressful enough. I would, however, contact a lawyer who specializes in family law. Explain to him your financial situation and maybe you can have your baby's father pay your legal expenses if the court's deem fit. I hope you have friends and family close by who can help you out when the baby gets here. And try to relax and enjoy this last bit of your pregnancy as best you can. This should be a pretty happy time in your life...don't let this guy drag you down from experiencing all the good things you should be feeling right now. Best of luck to you.
crzyblndstar Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 First of all, you can't FORCE him to have a relationship with your child. If he wants one, he will come around, if he doesn't, he simply won't. And, why would you want to force someone to be around your child, if they don't want to be? The way I see it, it is his loss to not be a father. I am speaking from experience. I was in a similar situation. Me and my son's "father" were together for a total of 2 years. I left him one night with our child because he was abusive and tried to kill me. At first, I would call and email him wanting him to see our son. I would always ask him when the next time would be. It finally got old. It is not my responsibility to make him be there. Since I have stopped calling, he has now not seen my son in 10 months. And, he has never supported him financially either. Which is partly my fault because I never took him for child support. My point is, you will eventually get tired of it and give up. You will meet someone who you love and they will take over that role of a father. The father of your child is just like my ex. They are selfish and only think of themselves. My ex has 2 other children other than mine who he does not see either. That should have been a warning sign to me too, but I chose to ignore it. You have 2 options here: 1. You can wait until the baby is born and take the guy for child support. He will then be given visitation. Again, there is nothing you can do to enforce it. 2. You can completely forget about him, don't have him at the hospital, and go on about your business raising you child the best you can. I, personally, wish I would have chose option 2. Now that he has signed my sons birth certificate, there isn't much I can do. Even to change his last name to mine, I have to get it ok'd by his "father", which is never going to happen because he is a narsicistic (sp) jerk and it would hurt his pride too much. I have a great man in my life now, who would someday like to adopt my son after we get married, but now I will have to fight with my ex about it, because I so badly wanted him to be in our child's life even tho he wasn't trying to. I am not saying that either option is better for you. I am just fortunate enough that I don't need his money to raise my son. I just down right refuse to MAKE someone be in his life. If he doesn't want to, then it is his loss, because I know the joy that children bring. Sorry If I went a little long with my story but I just want you to know that there ARE men out there who are like this. And, you are not going through it alone.
McFadden Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Unfortunately there are people like that. I have people in my own extended family who had children and then just ditched them and the children are being raised by other relatives. These people live in the same town as thier children and have not even cared to see them more than a few times. So considering your ex's history I don't think you will be able to force him into the picture. Its terrible that he wanted to have a baby earlier and now he says he doesn't want anything to do with it- I hadn't realized this was a planned pregnancy. At least it will have one parent that cares about it which is more than a lot of people start out with though. Hopefully you can at least get child support out of your ex.
Author alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks, I was a bit depressed earlier - sorry for posting such a whiney thread! I think it just hurts because I know that he did kind of make the effort in the past (for a while anyway) with his first two sons - he was with his wife all through her pregnancy and she divorced him 18 months later after an affair. He's always been honest with me about his kids and I remember him telling me about how he went to her scans and being at his son's birth was the best feeling in the world etc, then with his second son he wrote in his diary stuff about how he wanted to be the breadwinner (when he'd been made redundant form his job), be a good father, lots of little comments about how 'radient' his gf was when she was in hospital and holding the baby...it was quite sweet really and how he 'should' be acting. I sort of feel like there's something wrong with me that he doesn't think anything like that about me. I know we're not together anymore, but I'd like him to think that he'd want to be at his son's birth and that it too, would be an amazing experience like it was with his first two. That make sense? I know he was younger then but you'd think he'd have grown up as he matured, he seems to have gone backwards! McFadden - yep it was planned, although not very well thought through and quite rushed, obviously! Over the past few months he's gone through phases of saying he'll buy stuff for the baby, come to my next scan (never happened; he had 8 weeks to get the day off work and when he hadn't bothered by the week before the scan, I changed the appointment so it was at a time when he wouldn't be able to make it, even if he'd wanted to. Petty, but he'd had more than enough time to arrange to get the day off work!), be at the birth and all that kind of thing. The last time he said he'd come to my next scan (a 4D one in July) and be at the birth was only about 3 weeks ago; when I saw him a few days later and mentioned it, he denied he'd ever said it!
Knittress Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Would you ever consider adoption? It sounds like you've got a lot of unhappiness and turbulence in store for you, and giving the child to a stable couple might be the best thing for all concerned. I'm not saying you SHOULD, just that maybe it's worth considering.
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I just don't get how he can be like that. He's left me stranded in town before because he didn't want to give me a lift home, ok I'm his ex and he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, but I'm also 7.5 months pregnant with his son, so you'd think he'd feel some sense of responsibility - or at least a bit of guilt, if he knows I have no money to get home and need his help? Or am I being unreasonable in thinking that? Maybe I am using the baby as an excuse? He's been fairly consistent in saying he doesn't want to see me or the baby again for the past 2 months, and the baby's due in 10 weeks so I feel like I'm on a bit of a time limit on getting things back on better terms; I'm hoping he'll come round and realise that how he feels about me isn't important; his baby is all that matters and his son deserves to have his Dad playing a part in his life - but I can't see that happening somehow, especially as there are only 10 weeks left until the birth. Are there really men out there that honestly don't have any feelings towards their own children?! I can't get my head around that concept... Yes there are - you have one right in front of you, although understandably, you are doing your very best to avoid seeing it. So much of his behavior is consistent with his being an absent father and an uncaring flake, but you are trying to hold on to the little positive glimmers you have occasionally seen in him. The overwhelming evidence is negative. Do you think there's any hope of him changing his mind (bearing in mind his history with his other children) and how can I try and get things back on better terms between us? It sure sounds like he has been consistently absent and uninterested in his childrens' lives. And I use the word consistent quite intentionally here - I tend to think the best predictor of his future behavior is his consistent record of behavior in the past. I'm not saying this to put you down - I believe you and your baby are valuable, precious human beings - but what makes you think he sees you any differently than his past women/babies? You are grasping at little, inconsistent, occasional positive signs, but you're having trouble accepting the overwhelming, consistent, negative behaviors he has exhibited.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Your child has a better shot at life without this man in his life, than he ever will with this man in his life. The last thing you want is for your child to grow up trying to make this man love him, like you are trying to make this man love you. It would be kinder to demote this man down to an unmentioned name on a monthy check, than it would trying to force him to be a part of your child's life in any meaningful sort of way. This man sounds incapable of anything approaching mature, responsible loving relationships. I feel sorry for his kids, and they will likely grow up wondering why he doesn't love them, but hopefully one day they (and you) will see that his abondonment is truly the best thing that could have happened. As for CS, I wouldn't go easy on him. He fathered this child, and wanted the child so he can damn well help support the child as well. Get some good legal consultation. If he wants a DNA test, then by all means let him pay for one - and when he is deemed to be the father, then he can go ahead and sign the CS agreement as well.
Author alasia Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Would you ever consider adoption? Yes, I am considering it - well more than that actually; truthfully (I know this sounds bad), I haven't had any positive feelings towards the baby at all since I found out I was pregnant. I really don't want a baby, but I'm worried that it's because I'm thinking "why should I" bring up another of his sons, when he can't be bothered to be invcolved himself? I know it sounds so incredibly selfish, especially as there are so many women out there who can't have children and desperately want them, but I'm only 23 and I don't think I'm in that 'motherly' place in my life - I want to go back to how my life was last year, when I had a good job, friends, I was happily single and going out and having fun. Hopefully I'll be able to have children in future, when I'm in a stable relationship/marriage and I'm also a bit more financial able to have a family, than I am now. The only reason I'm unsure about the adoption thing, is my mother keeps trying to guilt me into keeping the baby. Everytime I mention it, she assumes it's all talk because of how things are with my ex, or to upset her - then she makes a big deal of how it's her first grandchild...she'll never speak to me again if I get this baby adopted. Then again if I keep the baby and hope that I'll develop maternal feeligns towards him - what if I don't? He's already got one parent that doesn't care about him, he doesn't need two. It sure sounds like he has been consistently absent and uninterested in his childrens' lives. And I use the word consistent quite intentionally here - I tend to think the best predictor of his future behavior is his consistent record of behavior in the past. I'm not saying this to put you down - I believe you and your baby are valuable, precious human beings - but what makes you think he sees you any differently than his past women/babies? You are grasping at little, inconsistent, occasional positive signs, but you're having trouble accepting the overwhelming, consistent, negative behaviors he has exhibited. I know...it's because I still love him. But I also think; he's had 7 relationships in his life and has 4 children, all with different mothers. Of the other three ex girlfriends, he wanted children with one of them but she didn't, so she made sure she used protection. One of his exes was 49 and couldn't have kids, and the third ex also couldn't have children due to medical problems - if they'd have all wanted children and were able to, chances are they'd have been pregnant by now too! He doesn't use protection - yes it's up to the woman to insist on it if he doesn't, but he's also very good with words, and when you hear that sonmeone wants a baby with you and you're in love, it's easy to get carried away with the idea. So how long is it going to go on?! He's 44 now so has potentially, 20+ more years of being able to produce children...he does usually have a couple of years 'break' in between his girlfriends and always has long term relationships, but what if he keeps getting his girlfriends pregnant...he could have a football team's worth of kids before he's 70!
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