funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I copied this from a web-site. For a few weeks after the split i was trying to work out my ex and her ways. (please read goodbye my lady) i wrote that before i did some researce to try and understand what was going wrong and why i was feeling like i did both in and out of the relationship. This is my ex to a T narcissistic personality disorder Fragile self-esteem, a need for constant attention and admiration, fishing for compliments (often with great charm), an expectation of superior entitlement, expecting others to defer to them, and a lack of sensitivity especially when others do not react in the expected manner, are also hallmarks of the disorder. Greed, expecting to receive before and above the needs of others, overworking those around them, and forming romantic (sic) or sexual relationships for the purpose of advancing their purpose or career, abusing special privileges and squandering extra resources also feature ]People with narcissistic personality disorder also have difficulty recognizing the needs and feelings of others, and are dismissive, contemptuous and impatient when others share or discuss their concerns or problems. They are also oblivious to the hurtfulness of their behaviour or remarks, show an emotional coldness and a lack of reciprocal interest, exhibit envy (especially when others are accorded recognition), have an arrogant, disdainful and patronizing attitude, and are quick to blame and criticise others when their needs and THIS WAS HER TO A ‘T’ .. They say to walk away from this kind of person as they are dangerous to there partners in that they will consume there energy and love for them in an unhealthy way! …….blimmy lucky Thats why she had a hubby with a bad attitude to her after she dumped him, then me thinking blimmy this is hard work, and now a new guy in her life after a week of us spliting. 3 kids that she puts 2nd to her own self. Its helped me understand her and to know warning sighns for the future.
Pixie-Minx Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I found this online too! its is 100% to a T what my ex is like but i think he has an extreme case!
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I tell you it makes you realise that no matter what you do nothing will work, and the relationship is doomed from the start! and the dumped end up feeling guilty, tired, used, hurt, confused, and crap. Did you feel this? but now after i went n/c it gave me time to reflect and learn and now im im feeling freeeeeeeeeeeee! and starting to date agian!
alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 If it helped you get over your ex to some extent then that's good but I wouldn't be too quick to 'make excuses' for your ex's behaviour - what I mean by that, is when you get dumped and are heartbroken over it, you tend to over analyse the relationship, ex and breakup, trying to work out what went wrong and in a way, I guess you're looking for a way to 'prove' that your ex splitting with you wasn't 'your fault'. I know I've done this with my ex. I've also done the 'google thing' and came across a website about NPD - and thought the description fitted my ex really well. Seeing as the disorder only affects a tiny percentage of the population, I think it's unlikely that all our exes suffer with it; although I think pretty much evryone displays some narcissistic traits (even me). I think it's easier to stop looking for excuses (for want of a better word) or reasons for why an ex acted the way they did and just accept that they're normal and for whatever reason, weren't happy in the relationship. Doesn't mean they have mental problems. Or in the case of my ex; he's unfortunately just an a**e Sorry to be negative...
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 i hear what your saying, but i have been in a few relationships and none of them have been like this. This really is what she was like, it not an exuse for anything. I have had some lovely girls, and never felt the need to look deeper after a break-up, but i always felt during the relationship that something was not right in her, I mean would you lock your own dauhter in a house on a school day and just leave? Is that the act of a normal thinking woman? That was just one small example. Did i need to hear her tell me (after going clubbing and leaving her kids at home many times) that guys think shes 27 (looking for comps obviously) and that she had her arse squeezed all the time? Is the a normal womens triat? I did dump her not long before she me for the problems mentioned in the above post. This does esist in people, and its important to realise that these people are not stable, and they will bring you down. I cant say this is what she had, but it is how she was............to a T . Those meetings she had with the doctor, and he gave her weeks off work for 'stress' those days spent lying around sulking because things were not going how she wanted but would never say why, and the texts from her ex hubby 'as long as you get what you want nothing else matters' i look back and it all adds up.
Steveto Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 That seems like a difficult person to get along with.. Ok, but what's the difference between: "They are also oblivious to the hurtfulness of their behaviour or remarks" vs honesty Only reason I ask is because I'm a little curious (I got this from my mother actually..she's the same way) it's Not necessarily the behaviour, but the remarks..I'll say things, but I am not oblivious to peoples feelings..I just think that if they take the comment negatively, they can't handle the truth (no pun intended ). I WANT people to to be as honest and blunt to me as I am with them. Though I only run into a few people that tell me I have no tact. It drives me nuts trying to read between the lines. As for the other symtoms..some of them I am the total opposite and others I don't have at all in my personality....so maybe I am 3% narcissistic!!! Oh well, we can't all be perfect.
alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 FBP - I see what you're saying, and I'm not saying your ex didn't have some kind of mental 'issues' - then again, we can't assume that she did. My ex was also a bit of a nightmare, he was very controlling and possesive, displayed a lot fo the NPD traits but also some of borderline personality disorder (such as the fact he's unable to handle any form of criticism, however mild he'll totally over react, plus he'll have extreme love/admiration for a person one minute, then as soon as something goes even slightly wrong, he'll flip and he'll suddenly hate you with a passion!). He could have either of those conditions, or he could have just been brought up to be like that, through being spoilt by his parents, or whatever. Do you see what I mean? Anyway I wasn't criticising you or saying that your ex definitely doesn't have NPD - at the end of the day as long as you feel happier and it's helped you get over her, then that's great
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 it was in her case a lack of saying and dealing with her own problems, and would never say or want to talk about any of them. She would just close her self off and become very hard to be with, which of course affect me. I never felt comfy with her at all, except right at the start of the relationship, then all the peoblems started to emerge. but i did love her and the kids, and wanted to work at it. She did act in a way like she was possesd with anger sometimes......or maybe i drove her to it!!! My dad died on valentines day, and its always a bit of a sad day for me. Is it right for her to say, it was four years ago so get over it!!! (after she went mad at me for being peed off that her brother who was kicked out of the dads house at 28 shared our first v.tines dinner!) who knows eigther way im glad im out of it and i hope that she finds happyness and an inner peace. iM not bitter with her, but i just felt like i wanted to try and work out this person, both in and out of the relationship. Just for the record, i would have stuck by her and the kids, but i know now, she would never be happy untill she finds that inner peace that she is looking for.
Pixie-Minx Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 the dumped end up feeling guilty, tired, used, hurt, confused, and crap. Did you feel this? I still do, my ex has some unknown power to turn every single thing over to my fault, it would always go his way and he would seemingly forget every little thing he did and go mad if i did the same as him! Not one person i know including his own freinds can explain his behaviour (such as the fact he's unable to handle any form of criticism, however mild he'll totally over react, plus he'll have extreme love/admiration for a person one minute, then as soon as something goes even slightly wrong, he'll flip and he'll suddenly hate you with a passion!). Exactly the same as my ex, he would spend so much time grovelling and trying to make me se ehow much he loved me and in one moment hate me with a passion switch a 180 as if i was his worst enemy and then later flip back like nothing had happened
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Alisha (hope i got it right) please dont think i took offence, i really never at all, Im not bitter about the split, and i do have at the moment too much free time so i look into things alot, If its bass guitars or cars, houses and people. I did though get over her (in that i new it would never work) but i still admit to missing her (not as much now though) and the kids but i know she was no good for me. I heard a friend say it may have been that, and i was interested in it and thought id post on it!!! I did;nt do it to make me feel better, as i already was, i was just interested. ! Its easy for people to think thats why i put it on and looked into it.
McFadden Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 My ex had it too. He was actually diagnosed before I knew him, plus he has other things (BDD, schizophrenic tendancies ect.) It is impossible to deal with these people in a normal way.
Pixie-Minx Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Problem is somehow cos we are such good hearted poeple we think we can help them, and we hold on to the good moments and forget everything bad. there are extreme highs but they are rare and the lows caused by them are not worth it. U have to realise that they will never make you happy. Its hurts but its true
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 pixi, were to blame as well for thinking that we can help and make a difference and not walking away, so we bring it on ourselves...............these people need real help to sort them, not love!
alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Problem is somehow cos we are such good hearted poeple we think we can help them, and we hold on to the good moments and forget everything bad. there are extreme highs but they are rare and the lows caused by them are not worth it. Ugh that's so true...you know what? I used to get so euphoric when my ex was actually nice to me - we had a silly argument one morning and because he went to the shop and came back with some chocolate that I loved and gave it to me as an apology, I instantly forgot all the bad stuff that had been going on for the past few weeks (from his side) and even told all my friends and mother what he'd done for me. Their response was "yeah...I get presents from my bf/husband all the time". Made me realise that one little gesture of selflessness doesn't make up for all the times he only thought about himself. But you're right FBP, we are partly to blame for walking away - but what do you do when your bf/ex won't ever get 'professional' help, because everyone else around him is so willing to let him get away with his behaviour? My ex is very (too?) close to his mother and sister - they still cook all his meals for him, wash his clothes and everything. (Bear in mind he's 44). His mother hasn't once told him he should start to be a bit more independent, or that the way he sleeps with girlfriends, gets them pregnant then never sees the children again is wrong, so as a result he's convinced that because I pointed out his flaws I'm an evil cow and in the wrong, and his behaviour is totally reasonable. These people need professional help, but they won't always get it.
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 i said we are to blame for not walking away!
Pixie-Minx Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 i agree we should look out for ourselves more, but love does blind you, i like to think that if i had a problem he person who loved me would stand by for for a while but i wouldnt expect them to put up wit it forever if i was not making an effort to change. they will always blame you for everything! and because you can see the truth they go on...stp prenteding you know me cos you dont!" stop caring in otherwords! so to care for me rather than him!
Author funkybassplayer Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 my ex once told me at 2 in the morning, to kick her daughters boyfreind out , and i did but was polite about it, and she went wild at me because i treated him with respect!! you see when my ex was happy, she was happy for him to be in the house, when she was'nt he had to leave. one more example of how their minds work...........cant win, and they can go from nice to horrid and back in seconds !! YOu can only do your best, but i have learnt that there is a time that you should wipe your hands clean of someone. I have learnt alot in my last realationship.
alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 i said we are to blame for not walking away! Yeah I meant not as well - typo
sb129 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 When I broke up with my ex, he searched online and found the NPD definitions, and promptly labelled me with them. He sent the lists to other people, including my mom, so they would know what i was really "like". At the time, I was so furious that he refused to see his part in our breakup, that I couldn't read the list without getting angry. And I thought he was crackers. Believing I had NPD helped him stop stalking me so letting him think that was fine by me. I had no desire to defend myself to him, I was so glad to be out of the relationship. It wasn't till a few months ago on here that someone else was talking about NPD that i could actually read the entire lists of traits without getting mad. And guess what?!! They describe my ex to A T!!!!! Pot calling kettle black huh. I'll admit that in the past, I have had problems with self esteem and taking criticism. I have had severe depression and emotional problems. When I was younger, I slept with people to boost my self esteem. But I am thru all that now, and I don't think that I have ever had full blown NPD, and I am certainly not suffering from it now! My ex on the other hand is a lost cause I think..... but who cares anyway?
alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 That's exactly what I mean about everyone showing some narcisstic traits. We all have them
sb129 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Narcissm means to love oneself, which is totally healthy! I am happy to have some narcissitic traits! NPD is when it becomes pathological...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 i said we are to blame for not walking away! You're absolutely right funky. The problem comes in realizing that there is a problem. It's very hard for a fairly normal person to understand a truly pathological NPD because you are comparing them to what you know about normal human beings. These people can make you think that YOU are crazy while you are living in t heir reality. There is only one way to fix the npd in your life and that is to walk away! I'm sorry there is only one legal way to fix the npd in your life!
sb129 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 These people can make you think that YOU are crazy while you are living in t heir reality. There is only one way to fix the npd in your life and that is to walk away! So true IWWH! My ex really did think that I was the one with all the problems, that I was crazy etc etc etc. Actually, going thru that was good in a perverse way though, because it makes me truly appreciate how wonderful my non NPD boyfriend is. My life is so much more balanced now NPD ex is gone. Its normal! My new relationship is amazing! Walking away was the best thing I ever did!
Tony T Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Narcissm means to love oneself, which is totally healthy! I am happy to have some narcissitic traits! NPD is when it becomes pathological... A positive self esteem is totally healthy. Narcissism is an extreme form of self love where the narcissist is concerned only with himself or herself and nobody else. Be happy you have a good self esteem and you think yourself worthy of good things. I wouldn't be proud at all of having narcissistic traits.
sb129 Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 Narcissism describes the character trait of self love. Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth and was the first to use the term in the reference to psychology.[1] Andrew Morrison claims that, in adults, a reasonable amount of healthy narcissism allows the individual's perception of his needs to be balanced in relation to others[2]. In psychology and psychiatry, excessive narcissism is recognized as a severe personality dysfunction or personality disorder, most characteristically Narcissistic Personality Disorder, also referred to as NPD. Jeepers Tony T, must you take EVERYTHING so literally? :rolleyes: I will clarify that what I meant when I said was proud to have narcissistic traits was that I am proud to have the narcissist traits of "self respect and self love". I didn't say I had excessive narcissistic traits. Dont call me a shrink just yet.
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