alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Hi, first of all I know I shouldn't be obsessing about tiny details; in fact 6 months after we split I probably shouldn't be thinking about him at all, but he was my first love, the only guy I've managed to be able to let into my heart (due to past issues) blah blah...so humour me I'm usually fairly good at picking up subtle signals (I think women are, generally). or example, whenever I've seen a guy that I suspected liked me, it's always turned out that I was right and he did. I think I'm good at picking up on those subtle body languge signals, or something. I think I've always been pretty good at reading my ex too - he's very good at covering up his emotions, but since we split I've been getting feelings that while he was saying he wanted me to leave him alone, deep down he had feelings for me still that he didn't want to/didn't know how to cope with or deal with at that moment in time. It was easier for him to be hurtful towards me to get a bit of space, rather than having to explain that while he does still care, he needs a break. On the face of it I was right every time. Usually a few weeks of me getting those 'feelings' that he still cared, I'd do what he asked and do LC and then he'd start saying he loved me and wanted to try again. Since the last time he said that though (in early April) a lot has gone on as you'll know if you've read my other threads. He's been consistently saying he wants nothing more to do with me (or our baby...ouch) yet has still helped me out on occasion - giving me a lift home, letting me stay overnight at his place once or twice and for some reason, even though the police have been called in the past between us and I'm on bail conditions not to see him (as mentioned in my other thread), he won't call the police when he's seen me. You'd think if he hates me that much, he'd use any excuse to call the police and get me in even more trouble, but he doesn't. We've even had some fairly heated rows over the past few weeks and everytime he could have called the police and said I was harassing/bugging him, got me arrested or at least told his family or work that I'd been 'hanging around' - he could have even lied, but he hasn't. He's kept seeing me to himself. He also seems reluctant to say he hates me - you'd think he'd want to hurt me as much as possible but it seems...I don't know, I realise I could be deluding myself here but my instincts are usually right, and it feels like he does care about me, but he's been so stressed lately by what he percieves as me 'nagging' him (which is actually seing him once every week or so and trying to find out if he's ever going to be involved with the baby), that he's having to treat me harshly just to get some space. He's used to people just disappearing when he splits from them, or like his last ex who did what he asked and didn't bother contacting him when she was pregnant. I'm not like that though; I can't just disappear and be happy to just contact him when the baby's born, or wait for him to get in touch if he ever decides he wants to see the baby...I'm more into talking things over and getting things straight, whereas he's the silent type who just lets things happen. Anyway I'm rambling. A few days ago he said something like "I hate having to be like this with you" and I'm not sure whether that was just bull to keep me happy/shut me up, or if he meant it and I suppose what I'm asking is for male opinions - are there any men on LS that are similar to my ex or have treated an ex the way Phil has with me, and could it be possible he still feels anything for me and might come round in future? I want him to be at the birth of our son more than anything (I think it's important for him to see his son come into the world, especially if he's not going to bother watching him grow up), but I've no idea how to ask him (I've mentioned it recently and he hasn't said he'll be there) without it seeming like I want him there because I still love him or something. I think that's what he'll think if I ask him to be there, but really I just want him there as the baby's father. Does that make sense? My ex has been pretty much consistently telling me he wants nothing to do with me for the past 2 months, and I only have 10 weeks of the pregnancy left, so I feel like I'm on a time limit! My main 'goal' is getting Phil to be at the birth but I can't see him coming round in time. Any ideas on how to achieve this, or at least getting back on better terms with him? I do realise I may just be horribly deluded here, so feel free to tell me that as well, if you feel the need!
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 I've been where you are now. Pregnant by my first love who I knew I'd never marry. He wasn't in the delivery room with me. Instead I had my mom be my coach. She even cut the cord. My son's dad found out about our son in a birth announcement in the paper. The only reason this happened is because he never bothered to contact me to see how I was coming along. If he had been considerate I would have been too. I replied in your other thread telling you to get a lawyer. That's what I did. And it's a good thing. Judges look down on deadbeat dads like you wouldn't believe. As far as the reality check...well...this guy has been here before. He has children from other women and he's treating you no differently than he probably treated them. He hasn't changed in all his years which he really should have by now. If he wanted things to be different with you he'd have made certain by his actions that they'd be different, ya know? I would worry less about what he says and focus more on what he does. He doesn't treat you so great. Okay so maybe he gave you a ride or let you stay the night but he should. That's not really a big deal or treating you like a princess, ya know? You are carrying this man's baby. He should be bending over backwards for you now. Running to the store for ice cream at 2 am if you crave it. Digging you a hole in the sand if you want to lay on your stomach at the beach. Bringing you a flower and telling you how beautiful you are pregnant because we all know how ugly we can feel when we're pregnant. That's how a daddy should be towards his pregnant baby's mother. I personally think you are thinking about him because you're carrying his baby. And you have no choice but to be reminded of him on a daily basis. But I do think that if you see your baby as the best thing this man will ever do in his life for you then you will be accepting reality.
McFadden Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Sorry for not being a man and still replying but, I just have to say your ex really sounds like a no gooder from reading this and some other threads. Especially because of the fact that he had a child with someone else that he's not taking care of, yet that didn't stop him from being more careful after that. He should want to be in the baby's life, but unfortunately things aren't fair so you may have to accept that it won't happen and the most you can get is possibly financial support if you get a lawyer. Considering that this guy seems like a no gooder and that you fight and get violent it may work out better for the child with him less involved anyway. (sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions.) I'm just wondering why you see him every week and have stayed over at his place. I know your goal is to get him back into the picture for the baby, but it seems like this would be accomplishing the opposite because he already feels nagged and like he wants space. It seems like with most people the only way to get them to want to be involved is to really back off for a while, and it sounds like thats especially true with this guy.
Author alasia Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 I would worry less about what he says and focus more on what he does. He doesn't treat you so great. Okay so maybe he gave you a ride or let you stay the night but he should. That's not really a big deal or treating you like a princess, ya know? You are carrying this man's baby. He should be bending over backwards for you now. Running to the store for ice cream at 2 am if you crave it. Digging you a hole in the sand if you want to lay on your stomach at the beach. Bringing you a flower and telling you how beautiful you are pregnant because we all know how ugly we can feel when we're pregnant. That's how a daddy should be towards his pregnant baby's mother. I personally think you are thinking about him because you're carrying his baby. And you have no choice but to be reminded of him on a daily basis. But I do think that if you see your baby as the best thing this man will ever do in his life for you then you will be accepting reality. I know, you're right - and that's exactly the kind of thing I need to be hearing at the moment, while I'm in this stupid, self-pitying mood! The thing is, yes I've thought the same as you; he's treating me like he's treated 'the others' - but (and I've just posted this in the other thread too) he really isn't. Well it's worked out the same way for all of us, but with his first two (when he was younger, so really should've been less mature than he is now) he made a bit more of an effort through the pregnancy and afterwards. He was married to his wife for 18 months after their baby was born (she divorced him) and used to tell me how much he'd loved going to her scans, and how being at his son's birth was the best thing ever...I'm not sure if he was with his gf at the birth of his second son, all I know is she disappeared back home to Ireland not long after the baby was born, but he wriote in his diary at trhe time about how radient his gf looked when she was holding the baby, talked about providing for the baby and the three of them moving in together. With me, it just hasn't happened. I know there will be different rules for me because we're not together anymore and I've acted slightly (a lot!) like a bunny boiler recently - but to just say "you're nuts" and use that as his excuse for not seeing the baby - when I've said that I'd prefer him to see the baby without me being there anyway - is unfair, I think. And you're also right about me thinking about my ex because of the baby - I know for a fact, if I wasn't pregnant I'd have left him alone ages ago. It also makes me feel so guilty, when I feel my son kicking or think about him working his little socks off, growing and getting ready to be born....and what's he going to be born into? A dad that hates him and a mother that at the moment, is an emotional wreck! I'm going to get counselling, because I do realise that one (sane!) parent is better than two feuding ones, and I think I need to work on my own issues and ensure that I can cope with this little boy, before he's born. McFadden - I don't see him as often as I used to; I've been making an effort to avoid him but he's a bus driver - I used to know his shifts so could easily avoid them, but now he keeps adding more of the shifts that brings him into my town - he's done that particular shift for three days this week, and I haven't known. So I go to catch a bus thinking he's out of town, and there he is! Usually I'd just wait for the next bus but they're every hour, and being heavily pregnant I find it really hard to stand around for too long - so now it's easier to just suck it up, get on the bus and try and ignore him and his nasty comments, than wait for the next one. He's changing his shifts deliberately to make it awkward for me and a few weeks ago I asked him to stick to his scheduled shifts. He refused, saying he can do whatever he wants... it seems like this would be accomplishing the opposite because he already feels nagged and like he wants space. It seems like with most people the only way to get them to want to be involved is to really back off for a while, and it sounds like thats especially true with this guy That's true, and is pretty much what I've been saying to you in your threads! You'd think I'd be able to take my own advice...thing is, he's been acting this way with me pretty much constantly for the past 7-8 weeks. The baby's due in 10 and a half weeks, so I sort of feel like I'm on a time limit - because being the stubborn cow that I am, if he's not interested in the baby before he's born, I don't want him involved after the birth. My ex saw his current youngest son for 6 months, then nothing for another 6 months before he turned up at the mothers house last Christmas Day to see him again! I wouldn't want that, it's not fair on the child. I think I might drop off the face of the planet for a few weeks, take my mum to the 4D scan on the 6th July, then maybe send one of the pictures to my ex (not sure about that yet though...) - then leave him for a few weeks after that. Maybe try and get back in touch with my ex in early August time (about 3 weks before the baby's due) and see if his views have changed - if not, then it's time to give up and leave him to his sad, lonely existence.
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