lrae Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I still feel he is keeping secrets about his 1-1/2 year long EA. In particular about his feelings for her and his conversations with her during his EA. When asked - how did you portray me? What did you share with her about our marriage? What did you tell her about us that you were unable to tell me? Which are important, driving questions in my mind (STILL!!). I get the response - I don't remember, we just talked about day to day stuff. He will admit to talking to her about his suspicions of my post partum depression and to complaining that I was always mad at him (about his drinking and absences from the home). But my concern is that these responses are not in line with his body language. Last night when I brought some of this out again, he just sat there for an hour (at least) vibrating and twitching. I felt that I could literally see each memory surface on his face and yet he would then turn to look at me and say he couldn't remember any of their conversations. Yet, overwhelming nervousness/anxiety was evident. Now, to put this into context - our talk had been going really well! He was accountable and really demonstrated how he had made major steps forward in his committment and honesty. I also did my best to keep things relatively safe. I worked hard to not corner him and to avoid getting emotional (that makes him really uncomfortable). And then those questions came up and our talk was OVER for him. I feel like I need to know the answers to these questions in order to understand the vulnerabilities in our marriage and to never end up there again. Plus, I want the power back that comes with knowledge (power that he witheld and kept for himself during his A). I cannot move forward until I understand what happened and I am absolutely unwilling to live with any further dishonesty. This doubt is driving me CRAZY! I do believe he has changed. Now he comes home after work. He is now maintaining NC (he didn't during the first few months of discovery). He tells me if there is something that comes up about her (her suicidal car accident, her hunting him down at local pub, etc.). We maxxed out our MC through his benefits and currently have no more due to my being on maternity leave. So haven't been in MC since Dec/06. I am seriously ready to break down and pay out of pocket for more sessions. But I feel that (IN HINDSIGHT) he kinda talked around the previous counsellor, too! Am I freaking out? Reading too much into this? All I do know is that I am fed up with BS and want to move forward (not stick my head in the sand, again).
mountain girl Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 OMG...your comment about the twitching cracked me up because I experienced that as well a couple of times when talking about/ asking about the OW. Sounds like your H is the little rescuer just like mine...and they "never talk about our marriage" or our personal stuff...just casual day to day stuff like any coworker... Hang in there. Crazy making I know...now go out for a big long walk and get some fresh air. Helps sometimes.
woe_is_me Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Irae, I don't know if my reply will help. I'm an ex OW.. the A lasted 12 months. Have you never spoken to or seen her? It's a shame that you can't just call and ask the OW yourself. I'm sure though that you probably feel you may not get any honesty from her. I can only tell you that my xMM portrayed his W to be the wicked witch of the west. He said she used the children against him and that he did all these things around the house and for the kids and she never appreciated him.. That she yelled at him in front of his friends.. I wonder if that's why your H can't really come up with any answers for you. Maybe your H did the same. I kept an open mind and knew i was only hearing one half of the story She could've been really nice. I'm sure he was no walk in the park to live with. And since D day earlier this year i've heard nothing and vice versa which leads me to believe we are both above and too mature for his silly and pathetic games. I have no animosity and can only hope things work out okay for all involved.
Author lrae Posted June 22, 2007 Author Posted June 22, 2007 Have you never spoken to or seen her? It's a shame that you can't just call and ask the OW yourself. I'm sure though that you probably feel you may not get any honesty from her. At first I thought that this must be some sick joke... Yes, I have seen her and I have spoken with her. She is no further capable of being honest with me than she is of being honest to herself. Delusional describes it best. But she's young, cute (even for a large girl) and considers the small city we live in to be her playground. Quote and end quote. No lie - heard it for myself! Nonetheless, what could she possible have to lose?? Other than her self respect. Wait, that's already gone. I can only tell you that my xMM portrayed his W to be the wicked witch of the west. He said she used the children against him and that he did all these things around the house and for the kids and she never appreciated him.. That she yelled at him in front of his friends.. I wonder if that's why your H can't really come up with any answers for you. Maybe your H did the same. That has crossed my mind. Still, I would rather know the awful truth and face it head on vs. revisiting the various scenarios that run through my head during my not so fine moments. I kept an open mind and knew i was only hearing one half of the story She could've been really nice. I'm sure he was no walk in the park to live with. Good for you. There are always two sides to a story and I'm pretty sure the BS is not the only person being lied to in most affairs. I don't think most cheaters can even handle being honest with themselves. And since D day earlier this year i've heard nothing and vice versa which leads me to believe we are both above and too mature for his silly and pathetic games. I have no animosity and can only hope things work out okay for all involved. Thx for the support Mountain Girl! Sorry, but it does make it a bit more tolerable knowing that I am not the only one to have faced this. L.
woe_is_me Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 The whole truth is extremely important, i agree. Ironically i was a betrayed spouse in 1997 - we finally separated in 2000. Insanity and distrust eventually give way to more pleasant and manageable emotions.. (with time) My exH is still sorry to this day and would give anything to have my trust, intimacy and his family back again. Just the other day i said to him "I still don't believe what you tell me is all that went on" (His was a one night stand which he tells me did not go 'all the way') "yeah yeah sure" is all i say "that's what they all say" So I've held a grudge for over 10 years just because of a one night stand. God only knows how I could've put up with him having a full blown EA and PA! I don't think i could've! In 2002 is when i met MM .. he disappeared in 2003. Re-appeared again in 2007 .. joy! ..we didn't manage to see one another again because i accidentally and 'god willingly' got him busted. His is a 20 year M ..maybe now he will start to value it. Security and history and children account for a lot of M's that weather the storms of infidelity. Good Luck with your H Irae. I know my exH cares for me way way more than xMM ever could or will. He is like my best friend.. It's just taking me a long time to see that.. Just for the record. I never met or saw MMs W. And i never knew who the woman was that my exH had the one night stand with. I'm not sure how or if that would've changed anything.
Recommended Posts