Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi everyone, I haven't posted in this room for awhile now (which I guess is a good thing!) but I have run into a problem recently. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 10 months. Lately we have began talking more about our future together. We both feel like we want to be together forever and that we've found "the one." We haven't talked very in depth about when/where we would get married or anything, just that it will happen one day. We have been talking lately about moving to a smaller town (right now we live in a big city) where we both want to settle down and raise a family. We talked about a time frame, possible 2-3 years from now. I will be done with Masters next year, and I want to get some experience in the city before moving. Ok, on to the problem: I will not move with him and/or live with him unless we are married or at the very least engaged for awhile and have set a date and planned it. I think this way because I had a very bad experience with living together with an ex bf where I got totally screwed on the rent. I will not have that happen again. My boyfriend knows all this, and he knows that I don't want to live with anyone unless I'm married. Several months ago, we had a talk about marriage time frames and he said that he's not ready. We havn't talked about it since, and marriage or anything hasn't really come up beyond the "I love you, i want to be with you forever. I think about us getting married and having kids all the time." (his words) Now, I'm really scared that in a few years, if we still aren't married or planning on it than I really don't want to move. I feel like i'm planning out my life based on when we are going to be married, and what scares me is that I don't know when. I'm freaked out to ask him about it though, but I would like to know that we are on the same page about this. I'm not in a rush to get married or anything but I would like to in the near future (1-2 years). I'm not sure what to do right now, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but making all these plans without talking about marriage is scaring me a little. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I talk to him about this or just let things happen naturally?
Quinch Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 If you get engaged, or even married, before moving in and then find he leaves his dirty laundry around the bedroom floor, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't do his share of washing dishes, etc then you'll wish you had lived together first. That's why people move in together before marriage.
quankanne Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 would he be upset if you talked about setting mid-range goals, like the steps you need to take to realize your long-term goal of getting married in a couple of years? You could discuss what would need to be done (garage sale to get rid of excess items while raising funds for your nest together, etc) and when a good time to do it. That might give you a better idea of how to plan accordingly AND peace of mind/assurance that he's not going to pull a runner like your last boyfriend and the housing situation! sounds like he's pretty understanding of why you have chosen not to get back into a situation with that kind of potention, so you prolly are in a better position to ask straight out and get an answer ...
quankanne Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 If you get engaged, or even married, before moving in and then find he leaves his dirty laundry around the bedroom floor, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't do his share of washing dishes, etc then you'll wish you had lived together first. That's why people move in together before marriage. not everyone has the burning need or desire to live together before they set up house, my dear!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 If you get engaged, or even married, before moving in and then find he leaves his dirty laundry around the bedroom floor, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't do his share of washing dishes, etc then you'll wish you had lived together first. That's why people move in together before marriage. I already know all that..we stay together all the time because I'm at college. We pretty much do live together. And he is the most neat and orderly person there is, and keeps his apartment emaculate. He knows how i feel about the issue, we practically live together anyway so I don't think it would be an issue. I have other reasons for not wanting to live with him first.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 would he be upset if you talked about setting mid-range goals, like the steps you need to take to realize your long-term goal of getting married in a couple of years? You could discuss what would need to be done (garage sale to get rid of excess items while raising funds for your nest together, etc) and when a good time to do it. That might give you a better idea of how to plan accordingly AND peace of mind/assurance that he's not going to pull a runner like your last boyfriend and the housing situation! sounds like he's pretty understanding of why you have chosen not to get back into a situation with that kind of potention, so you prolly are in a better position to ask straight out and get an answer ... Well, our plan is that next year when I finish my Masters degree i'm moving back to the city (i go to college in a small town 1.5 hours away and have an apartment) when my lease ends next year. I'm going to live in my parents townhouse (I stay with my bf all the time though) and get a fulltime job and save money for us for when we move. But weddings and marriage have not been included in that discussion. And he told me that I could put my furniture in my parents storage area where the other stuff from our old house is, because he has newer and nicer furniture. Which again IMPLIES that we would possibly be married or engaged. I'm scared to ask him about the time frame, I don't want to seem pushy or like he has to tell me exactly when.
tanbark813 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 It's understandable to want to be cautious about moving, but if you're worried about getting screwed over then it doesn't sound like you're as sure that he's "the one" as you think you are. It sounds a bit like you see engagement or marriage as a sort of guarantee that things will work out when a marriage is anything but that. You guys could get married tomorrow and be divorced by next year, or get engaged 3 years from now, married 4 years from now and be together the rest of your lives. There's no way to know. It takes a leap of faith. If you find it hard to take that leap then he might not be the right guy, or you might not be ready, or both. But all that aside, if you're not going to be moving for 2 - 3 years anyway then why is this an issue now? In short, chill for a while and see what happens.
allina Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 If you get engaged, or even married, before moving in and then find he leaves his dirty laundry around the bedroom floor, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't do his share of washing dishes, etc then you'll wish you had lived together first. That's why people move in together before marriage. I don't think that that's why people move in together before marriage in most cases. I moved in with my bf fairly soon in to the relationship, I didn't do so as a test drive of his personal habits I did it because I love him, wanted to share a home with him and sleep with him ever night. Lauriebelle, I think that you should reconsider your feelings on living together before marriage, especially due to the reason you gave. I would also remind your bf of your plans just to make sure he's still taking them in to consideration. Plus he said he wants to move in in 2-3 years, isn't that plenty of time to get engaged and married?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 I don't think that that's why people move in together before marriage in most cases. I moved in with my bf fairly soon in to the relationship, I didn't do so as a test drive of his personal habits I did it because I love him, wanted to share a home with him and sleep with him ever night. Lauriebelle, I think that you should reconsider your feelings on living together before marriage, especially due to the reason you gave. I would also remind your bf of your plans just to make sure he's still taking them in to consideration. Plus he said he wants to move in in 2-3 years, isn't that plenty of time to get engaged and married? Well my reasoning in more practical, yes I want to live with my boyfriend because I love him but I want to be married to him when I do it. It's more of a committment, and it's more special. I pretty much do live there anyway, I stay there so much. I just didn't like living together and not being married. I don't want to do it again, that's all. Yes, 2-3 years is enough time to get engaged and married, however since me and my boyfriend haven't really discussed it before I really don't know if that will have happened yet when I want to move. And I want to marry him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have children. So I guess my reasons for all this are more practical. I know this is not happening for several years, I am just curious how my bf feels about all this.
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 we stay together all the time because I'm at college. We pretty much do live together. ...we practically live together anyway. Ummm, no, you really don't pretty much live with him. You see him on the weekends only. Right now, you're both really at your best behavior. Having lived with someone previously, you know that living with them DOES change things. I think this way because I had a very bad experience with living together with an ex bf where I got totally screwed on the rent. I will not have that happen again. Okay little lady, if you had said "I'm afraid of the why-buy-the-milk scenario," I'd understand your reservations. I've lived with a BF too, and it ended horribly. While I did get "stuck with the rent," $$ is not even a consideration when thinking about living with another BF. In all honesty I think your reasons for not living with him aren't really reasonable. He's more to you than a potential roommate, isn't he?? It's understandable to want to be cautious about moving, but if you're worried about getting screwed over then it doesn't sound like you're as sure that he's "the one" as you think you are. It sounds a bit like you see engagement or marriage as a sort of guarantee that things will work out when a marriage is anything but that. You guys could get married tomorrow and be divorced by next year, or get engaged 3 years from now, married 4 years from now and be together the rest of your lives. There's no way to know. It takes a leap of faith. If you find it hard to take that leap then he might not be the right guy, or you might not be ready, or both. I couldn't agree more.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Okay little lady, if you had said "I'm afraid of the why-buy-the-milk scenario," I'd understand your reservations. I've lived with a BF too, and it ended horribly. While I did get "stuck with the rent," $$ is not even a consideration when thinking about living with another BF. In all honesty I think your reasons for not living with him aren't really reasonable. He's more to you than a potential roommate, isn't he?? Oh yeah def. It's not just about the rent, that could happen to anyone. It just ended really bad and I don't want to go through that again. That's all. I hated living together without being married, so I don't want to do it again. I do see your point stargazer, yeah we don't live together, thats why I said "practically." I'm home for the summer right now, and I spend every night with my bf so it does feel like we are living together even though we technically aren't. I'd just rather know that i'm going to be getting married to him and spending my life with him when we move in together. Living together before marriage was a bad experience for me and i just don't want to do it again. Thanks for your points everyone, your helping.
thelittlespoon Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi everyone, I haven't posted in this room for awhile now (which I guess is a good thing!) but I have run into a problem recently. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 10 months. Lately we have began talking more about our future together. We both feel like we want to be together forever and that we've found "the one." We haven't talked very in depth about when/where we would get married or anything, just that it will happen one day. We have been talking lately about moving to a smaller town (right now we live in a big city) where we both want to settle down and raise a family. We talked about a time frame, possible 2-3 years from now. I will be done with Masters next year, and I want to get some experience in the city before moving. Ok, on to the problem: I will not move with him and/or live with him unless we are married or at the very least engaged for awhile and have set a date and planned it. I think this way because I had a very bad experience with living together with an ex bf where I got totally screwed on the rent. I will not have that happen again. My boyfriend knows all this, and he knows that I don't want to live with anyone unless I'm married. Several months ago, we had a talk about marriage time frames and he said that he's not ready. We havn't talked about it since, and marriage or anything hasn't really come up beyond the "I love you, i want to be with you forever. I think about us getting married and having kids all the time." (his words) Now, I'm really scared that in a few years, if we still aren't married or planning on it than I really don't want to move. I feel like i'm planning out my life based on when we are going to be married, and what scares me is that I don't know when. I'm freaked out to ask him about it though, but I would like to know that we are on the same page about this. I'm not in a rush to get married or anything but I would like to in the near future (1-2 years). I'm not sure what to do right now, I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but making all these plans without talking about marriage is scaring me a little. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I talk to him about this or just let things happen naturally? Being that your ex screwed you over and ruined the living together part for you, I don't blame you for being cautious. I have only lived with one guy, my current boyfriend, and things are going very well for us. We both pull our own weight and our relationship has grown stronger. So, I have nothing but good things to say about living together. With all of your concerns about not wanting to live together before getting married unless you are engaged and movnig in together with the intent to get married, I would definitely talk to your guy about how you feel and make sure that it is clear to him and what the standards are that you are setting for taking the next step in your relationship. That is pretty much all that you can do. Good luck!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Thanks guys for all your advice. I was going to talk to my bf about it tonight, but I'm thinking I should wait and do it in person. I just don't know if I should even do that. I guess moving will have to wait until he has at least proposed to me because I don't want to move to another town with him if we are just dating. So do you actually think i should talk to him about this or just let things happen. He may feel pressured or that I'm trying to make him ask me at a certain time. He told me earlier in our relationship that he thinks that the proposal should be a surprise, so he probably doesn't want me to know when exactly he is going to propose anyway. Should I just let this go?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 23, 2007 Author Posted June 23, 2007 alright so I got my answer last night. Actually it was very strange what sparked the whole thing. My bf and I were out to dinner with his friend, and we were talking about how my best friend is getting married in a month. My bf then started talking about what is going to happen at his wedding because his family doesn't drink (he does though), so then he said how we would have to talk to my parents and work something out since his family is supposed to pay for the alcohol but they don't drink. Then we started talking about how neither me or my bf may be able to drink at our wedding because his parents are against it (because of their religion) and they don't know that my bf drinks. I was real shocked that we were sitting there talking to his best friend about our wedding. So then later when we went to bed I asked him if he really thought about our wedding and he said of course he did and that he thinks about marrying me all the time and what our wedding will be like. He also said that he doesn't want to be pressured and that he wants to propose to me when he's ready and he wants it to be a surprise. I guess I am worrying for nothing, because I told him that I was hesitant to move in with him without being married. He said he understands and it would be more special to move in together if we were married. So I guess I got my answer. Thanks for all your advice everyone, I appreciate it. I guess I psyched myself out a little bit because everyone seems to live togehter before they are married and I wasn't sure if he knew that. I need to chill out and wait for it to happen (which is hard!).
Walk Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 i asked him what his attitudes towards marriage and money were and he said "when i get married, and i dont mean to u just in general, (which was an a-hole thing to say) i dont believe in having seperate bank accounts, whats mine is urs, whats urs is mine. he just believes that before u are married everything should be even 50/50. he said he would try harder not to be so strict about it cause i dont have money. well we'll see. I will not move with him and/or live with him unless we are married or at the very least engaged for awhile and have set a date and planned it. I think this way because I had a very bad experience with living together with an ex bf where I got totally screwed on the rent. I will not have that happen again. Does the first quote have anything to do with your reluctance to move in with him with out marriage being firmly established?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Does the first quote have anything to do with your reluctance to move in with him with out marriage being firmly established? Actually it doesn't have anything to do with money really. My bf has been wonderful about the money situation actually. He pays for pretty much everything and he is real understanding that I dont have that much. My hesitation about moving intogether is just cause I had a bad experience and got stuck in a lease because my ex bf and I broke up, and I just don't want to do it again. Me and my bf actually agreed that it would be more special if we waited until we were married.
Zona76 Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Do you think his friends wouldn't come if it was a non-alcohol reception? I feel you should respect your parents. I don't drink. But think... when you drink, you get silly and stupid and make a mess and you parents will think what a fool she is to marry this man. Ask the best man to have another party after honeymoon. If the marriage begins with to drink or not to drink... it's not a question. It's a fast ending.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 24, 2007 Author Posted June 24, 2007 Do you think his friends wouldn't come if it was a non-alcohol reception? I feel you should respect your parents. I don't drink. But think... when you drink, you get silly and stupid and make a mess and you parents will think what a fool she is to marry this man. Ask the best man to have another party after honeymoon. If the marriage begins with to drink or not to drink... it's not a question. It's a fast ending. Oh no I honestly don't think it's a question about whether or not there is going to be alcohol there. I'm not sure what we are going to do when that time comes. I wouldn't go and get real trashed at my wedding, actually I wouldn't care whether or not there was alcohol there or not. That's something to think about when we are planning the wedding, and we aren't even engaged yet, so we arent even really think about it seriously yet. But honestly, I wouldn't care if there was alcohol there or not, and I know everyone would still come even if there wasn't. Neither me or my boyfriend are big partiers or drinkers so it really wouldn't matter that much.
Walk Posted June 24, 2007 Posted June 24, 2007 Thanks for answering. I had hoped it didn't have anything to do with your previous problems, but thought I'd ask. And I'm really happy you two have found a good resolution that worked. On the topic of alcohol.. The place I had my reception at offered a side bar for people to purchase drinks if they wanted. Otherwise, free coffee, tea, and soda's were brought around to guests. I thought that worked out really well. If you two did something like that then you could deny culpibility for supplying alcohol, while still allowing those who wanted it to get it. And it'd save money since you (or his family) wouldn't have to purchase it and provide it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Thanks for answering. I had hoped it didn't have anything to do with your previous problems, but thought I'd ask. And I'm really happy you two have found a good resolution that worked. On the topic of alcohol.. The place I had my reception at offered a side bar for people to purchase drinks if they wanted. Otherwise, free coffee, tea, and soda's were brought around to guests. I thought that worked out really well. If you two did something like that then you could deny culpibility for supplying alcohol, while still allowing those who wanted it to get it. And it'd save money since you (or his family) wouldn't have to purchase it and provide it. Thanks Walk..yeah things are a lot better with us. Anyway, I don't think I should be planning the wedding yet, we aren't engaged or anything. We'll talk about the future and stuff but sometimes he gets weird and starts saying how he's too young and crap. That really scares me, I don't know what his deal is. I know it's only been 11 months but I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've read some threads on here about girls who have waited for their bfs to propose for like 6 or 7 years and i dont want that to be me. He's 25, the age where he doesn't know exactly what he wants. We have a timeline to move, 3 years, but I dont know what our status is going to be yet. I don't want to be 4 hours away from my family trying to plan a wedding, esp. since they are paying for it. I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him, and it may seem like i'm in some big time hurry and want to get married. It's not that i'm in a hurry, i'm just worried. I've tried to stop talking about it so much, actually a lot of the time he starts the convo. he may be getting a bit freaked out because my best friend is getting married in 3 weeks.
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