redfathom Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 So I know you should never get involved in other peoples relationships; however, I am very tempted to tell my friend that she is being a tool. I introduced her to my brother in law about a year ago and they hooked up for about four months. After which they would have an on again off again relationship full of drama. She would sleep with him without finding out what would happen the next day then be upset if he did not call and come over crying complaining about what an ahole he is. She would at first say she was okay with it then get mad when he did not want to commit. She started this because she was going to move to another state so she figured it did not matter, then even after she decided not to move she did not tell him and kept sleeping with him. She really wanted to be in a relationship with him but knew he did not and so did not want to ruin what they did have. This went on for about four months, she would say he was an ahole, and then when she was lonely she would call him up. While they were dating she would flirt inappropriately with other guys (which ended up straining the relationship). Then after she stopped the whole friends with benefits, she thought she got an STD from him, called me crying and called him accusing him of giving her herpes, what does she then do three days later, goes over to his house and sleeps with him because this was “so stressful for her she needed to be comforted.” While this was going on she was chatting with this other guy who lived out of state but they had plans for him to come visit, which he did, they slept together (two weeks after she thought she got an STD and slept with my brother in law) so then they started dating, this guy from out of state. She told me, that if things did not work out with him, she would try to get back together with my brother in law, I told her that is not fair to him. The guy she was dating did not want her talking to him so she completely stopped being friends with him. Well, I just found out the guy out of state broke up with her two weeks ago and so this weekend she hung out with my brother in law/. As you can tell, she has an issue with not being with someone. I can’t think of a time since I have known her that she has not had a boyfriend or someone on the back burner in case she needed someone. She would be dating someone but talking to someone else incase things did not work out with the first person she would have a plan B. I think my brother in law needs to stay away from her. I mean she is my friend, but I do not want to see him get hurt. She even told me once that she knew she could not have kids (she was very upset about it) when I asked her how she knew she said she had stopped taking her birth control while she was with my brother in law for a month and since she did not get pregnant she knew she could not have kids (she wants them badly). I have not told this to anyone, not even my husband but I think I should. I mean at the time she did it, she was only with him for about three months and they were not having talks of being serious. No talks of marriage or kids. I know my brother in law still has feelings for her and so I feel bad because she uses people to make herself feel good. So I am wondering: 1. should I tell my brother in law about her not taking her birth control and 2. Should I tell her to leave him alone because I do not want to see him hurt and she just uses people? I understand she does not have to listen to me but I am so angry that she is so reckless and uses people like that. It seems like she always needs to have drama in her life and because of that I do not want to see my brother in law suffer.
quankanne Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 the die has been cast ... you introduced them to each other, but you're not forcing either of them to stay together/break up/hook up again, it's something they choose of their own volition. Best thing to do is just step back and let them sort it out, even though this is driving you nuts. Your BiL is a big boy and knows what he's doing. If you try to get in the middle of this both will resent you.
Author redfathom Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 the die has been cast ... you introduced them to each other, but you're not forcing either of them to stay together/break up/hook up again, it's something they choose of their own volition. Best thing to do is just step back and let them sort it out, even though this is driving you nuts. Your BiL is a big boy and knows what he's doing. If you try to get in the middle of this both will resent you. Hi quankanne, I know he is a big boy, but he does not have the whole story. It is not fair to say that he can take care of him self when he is not getting the truth from her. I mean he is running the risk of fathering a child because she is lying and telling him she is on birth control when she went off it. I mean if she was cheating would it be fair to tell him, heck yes. If she is putting him at risk by being selfish should someone tell him, I think someone should. I have not decided yet if I will say something to him, right now I just want to tell her that I don't like what she is doing and stop being friends. I do not care if she resents me for it, I do not care if she resents me for doing what I believe to be the right thing. She does things with out thinking about the consequences which is fine if she is the only one who has to suffer them but she puts others at risk. I mean she thought she had an STD and two weeks later sleeps with someone and does not tell them. That is total BS. Who knows if she got something from this other guy and will expose my BIL to it and not tell him. I can accept her resenting me, but I can't live with is ignoring what I beleive to be the right thing.
quankanne Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I have not decided yet if I will say something to him, right now I just want to tell her that I don't like what she is doing and stop being friends … I can't live with is ignoring what I beleive to be the right thing. had meant to post more but got blocked out, then side-tracked, and it pretty much addresses what you've just posted. tell her that you're not there to listen to her whines, complaints or anything else regarding her relationship with BiL, because he's family, and she's not. there's a fine line between interfering in a relationship and helping someone: Maybe instead of just flat-out telling him what her evil intentions are (to get pregnant without his knowledge sounds pretty evil to me) ask him where he sees the relationship going, and how he'd feel if there was a baby made as a result of their sleeping around ... you'll be able to gage what his thoughts are, then decide how to break the news to him that she's got certain plans that involve his sperm. ultimately, though, he's going to be the one deciding the kind of behavior he'll put up with ... this isn't being rude or uppity, just a gentle reminder that even when someone is getting crappy treatment and your intentions are good, sometimes they don't want to be reminded that they're getting used.
Author redfathom Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 "Sometimes they don't want to be reminded that they're being used" That is a great point. For my b-day this year they were both invited (they were not dating at the time). My friend asked if my BIL was going, I said of couse, she then sends a message to him asking if he is going and if so to not say anything to her while she is there. This kindof bothered me so I messaged him and told him that if he was going to be uncomfortable with her there I would ask her not to go. He then send my message to her telling her that I would univite her because I like him better. I replied to him letting him know that I could see that he would be fine with her there and uneffected. So I agree with your statement. In that one instance he knew what he was doing and they were both acting like children. So I guess I am more concerened with the long run, like the next 18 years. I wish they would grow up, I mean 28 and 32 years old should not be acting like this.
Trialbyfire Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Your last sentence says it all. They both need to grow up. Your BIL is using her as badly as she's using him. He hasn't committed since Day 1. It appears that they're both drama queens. Stand as far back as possible with these two. You do not want to become collateral damage.
Author redfathom Posted June 20, 2007 Author Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Trialbyfire, I do agree with you there, the only difference is that he is honest about it. Yeah he did not make a commitment to get married or have kids but he was faithful to her. The only thing is when they became friends with benefits he never said he wanted more and she told him she was okay with that. The fact was she was not, so then she would feel used and betrayed. I mean I guess you could say he used her but he was always honest about it. He never promised her anything. I do agree that I should stay out of it, except for the birth control issue because if she did get pregnant it would not be fair to him or the baby.
Author redfathom Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 So my friend has basically been ignoring me (see abov). Even when I try to make an effort to hang out with her she is always busy or cancels because she is hanging out with someone else. So I invited her to a movie today and said she was going to the movies with someone, but I could come along. Then she leaves me a VM that says since she is moving this weekend this person and her are going to hang out at her house while she packs and I am "more then welcome to come over if I feel like it". So I told her I was going to pass (I have a migraine) but to have fun. So she replies "Okie Dokie, thanks". I have been thinking about asking her what is up for a while so I decided to. I asked her if she was mad and she said: "Nah, just stressed out, my life in in turmoil right now, I will drop you a list some time in September". So I replied with this: "Not to stress you out further, but: I have tried making an effort to hang out and you awlays seem to have plans with other people or cancel our plans so you can hang out with other people. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel that as you get over x (my brother in law she used to date) you feel no need to be friends with me. I guess it is hard not to take it personal when you seem to have time for everyone else but me whether or not your life is in turmoil. So I hope things get better for you and if I am overreacting, then drop me a line after things settle down for you." Do you think I was too harsh? Or overreacting?
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