MissA Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Guys, Hope you can help.....I'm in a relationship of nearly 4 years, which has been great. Being with him has opened up a whole new world to me, I now have a great circle of friends and have learnt so much from him. There's been no major fall outs between us, we've been travelling together, we currently rent a nice flat together and we just kind of plod along nicely. Basically we have a stable relationship except for the lack of spark I have for him, which affects my mood toward him. I often get sulky because I'm feeling confused, but he has no idea that's why I'm sulking. I think I love him, he's great, but he's just not doing it for me. There's no romance (he's never been romantic) and we only have sex once a week on a saturday, which is a planned thing. We both like sex, but his approach to sex just doesn't turn me on, therefore we don't have it that much! I've tried suggesting new things to him, which might give him some other ideas, like watching porn together etc, but he's not interested in that kind of thing. We broke up for a few weeks several months ago, because I slept with one of his friends in a very, very drunken one night stand, which he doesn't know about. I still fancy his friend, but nothing will ever happen because of their friendship. During our break-up, I slept with a couple of other guys, which was exhillarating but it didn't progress into anything other than sex. Strangely I still met up with my boyf. once a week during our break up because I missed him and his company, but we didn't have sex. I guess I felt like I was getting the exciting other stuff from elsewhere and only really wanted him for the stable couple thing. We got back together after a couple of months because I missed him so much and we eventually moved in together which was good for a time, but now it's slipped back to the "I just don't fancy him!" thing. Now we're in a situation which is very cosy and a break up would be devastating for the pair of us. So my question is do I move on and break out of the cosiness or is it love and we are just going through a rough spell? Help!! And thanks for reading!!
Living_For_Me Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Do your current b/f a favour and break up with him. From what i've read from your story it is clear as day you don't "love" him enough to want to be in an exclusive relationship. The fact that you were "really drunk" and ****ed his friend shows exactly why there is nothing there. Make no mistake you're not going through a rough spell, the relationship is over and you need to break it off asap.
Author MissA Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 "From what i've read from your story it is clear as day you don't "love" him enough to want to be in an exclusive relationship." Hello again - thanks for your response. My bf and I are in an exclusive relationship. We have been since we got back together and moved in to our flat, which was in October 2006. I'm starting to question if he is right for me because he doesn't make me feel particularly hot and there is a severe lack of romance, which is important to me. I slept with some other guys last year to see how it made me feel (which I enjoyed), but at the end of it, I still wanted him because ultimately he is everything I would want from a long term partner, if only he were more romantic and the sex was better. He doesn't do it for me, but he is kind, loving, understanding, supportive, funny, would make a great dad etc...so this is where my quandry lies. We've built up a great relationship, our families are interlinked, our friendships are interlinked, it would be heartbreaking for us to go seperate ways over his lack of romance. I've tried suggesting different things to him but he just doesn't DO romance! Should I be in a relationship with someone who I don't really fancy that much? Or should I bite the bullet and find someone who is romantic and satisfies me in these other ways?
trent25 Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 Let me get this straight, You slept with a lot of dudes in between, even his best friend. You are horny, he is not. You like sex, he is conservative. I don't blame you for wanting a man who takes care of business. But what I do blame you for is this; You cannot use a person, if you are not happy with him, to get what you want, which is comfort. This will come back to bite you in the ass. This guy is not for you. You need a dominant guy and someone who takes care of your needs. He is not it. Stop using him for comfort. Go find someone who gives you what you want. Don't use these guys who are not alpha. Get a guy who takes care of it. I think that if he had a spine, he would have and should have dumped you by now. But he won't because he is not dominant. So its up to you to stop hurting someone who cannot stand up for himself. Sad but true.
Author MissA Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Hey!! Can everyone stop presuming I'm sleeping with other guys now?! I slept with his friend when things were at an all time low. I broke up with my bf at that point, realising I had done wrong. Then I slept with another guy who was actually a friend of mine, which was a comfort thing. We knocked that on the head and I got back with my bf because I missed baing with him. I haven't slept with anyone since!! I'm not cheating on him! I agree that maybe he is not the dominant guy I'm after, but he is everything else. Gaa! What a situation. Thanks
Author MissA Posted June 21, 2007 Author Posted June 21, 2007 Oopps! Obviously read that in a bit of a hurry, I didn't see you'd written "in between". Apologies.
Keara Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 I'm wondering if you aren't hitting two problems with this "lack of excitment" thing. One, you're feeling less then desirous of him.. which he's probably very aware of and affects his desire to do "new things". And two, you're telling him to step up his efforts on keeping the spark alive. Which he's probably interpreting as 'you have the sexual prowess of a piece of moss'. Combine those, and the guys getting a double message that could really dent a persons self-confidence and sexual desire. He might be confused about what will work, how to do it, when to do it, or what you really want from him.. Maybe if you focus on logical, spelled out steps he can take to excite you then it might work. (Men need to have it broken down for them. ie: "Do this.. okay, now do this... Lighter.. harder... slower..." etc) We both like sex, but his approach to sex just doesn't turn me on, therefore we don't have it that much! Do you initiate sex equally, or does he do the initiating in the relationship (past and present)? If he isn't "approaching" it the way you want, then why don't you take the lead for a while? Take some responsibility for your own sexual needs in ways that benefit the relationship. Heck.. my bf loves it when I tell him what to do to get me excited. Plus, its kind of exciting to me to be "in charge" of the show. Which was something I wasn't comfortable with for most my life. Anyway.. if you don't get the sex life back up to par for both of you, another girl is going to show some serious desire for your guy... and he's going to be so swept away by the fact that someone really does find him hot and sexy that he's not going to say no. You remember how you felt with his friend, right? That overload of lust.. feeling wanted and desired... You know your bf can't be happy with the one night a week, pre-planned, bore-fest you two have. Give him a supportive kick in the butt by taking his hand, placing it on your crotch and showing him exactly how to rub or where to touch, and what to do. Just do it... don't offer off the wall ideas, and then feel upset he isn't up for porno's and public nudity. Keep it simple. Walk up to him, lift your shirt and tell him to fondle you. If it isn't working for you.. grab his hand and SHOW him how you want it done. Initiate sex, physically place him where you want him, and let him know what feels good. (don't forget his happy ending either) If he can't figure out what works for you (or doesn't) after a month, or maybe two.. then leave him. p.s. Not judging you in any of this.. just suggestions. I had a 10 yr relationship with... uh... not good sex, and I regret not being more assertive in what would turn me on, and how he should do it. Hindsights 20/20 though.
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